DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

You’re amazing. I don’t know if i would ever trust him with anything again, and without trust you have nothing.

Oh and he can shove his steak up his arse

Yes it would. He has basically told the world and his wife your personal information and there was no need to

he also was not prepared to back you when his obnoxious friend. B questioned you in the way he did and then agreed to a meeting to sort it but you were not invited

he does not have your back and you can never trust him not to tell people personal information. He’s not prepared to work on the marriage by doing counselling and appears to be minimising the affect this has all had on you

so yes I would be telling him it’s over. And it’s down to his actions it’s over

I think I could forgive. I agree with @SylvanMoon post. Do not do anything in the heat of the moment. You know what your marriage was like before all of this, you will need to see if time, proper communication can help keep your marriage. I agree to keep suggesting couples counselling but in the meantime it could be worth you going individually to discuss your feelings and work through what you feel is best for you.
I’m so wary of relationship advice on here as with any relationship post most of the posters advise splitting, marriage is hard work, there will be ups and downs and you do have to both put a lot of effort in…if you want to.

Yes, he's betrayed you and seems too stupid/shallow/insensitive/callous to understand the gravity and impact of what he has done.

At best, he made a horrific misjudgement (and that's being kind) in telling anyone at all about your trauma. That alone I think many people would consider a huge betrayal and struggle to get past.

But then, instead of being horrified at what he's done and doing everything he can to rebuild trust, he has:

• Lied to you about how many people he's told and how long they've known

• Been more worried about his friend's feelings than yours

• Ignored your messages

• Called you mental

• Refused to apologise

• Refused couples counselling

• Refused to leave to give you space

• Gaslit you and love bombed you so you're starting to question whether you're just making a big fuss about nothing.

He has behaved appallingly. It's some of the most appalling behaviour I've ever read about on Mumsnet, and that's saying something. It would absolutely be relationship ending for me.

Having read all of your posts on both threads I’m quite suspicious of your husband. He has tried to lie to you at every turn and probably still isn’t telling the truth, or not the full truth. It wouldn’t surprise me if
a) The story about them making jokes was a bullshit cover to explain why so many people know, but he forgot that some of the people he’d told weren’t there
and
b) The reason the friends wanted a “meeting” without you there was because your husband talks about this a lot and they were under the impression that you are also open about it. Now that they know otherwise they wanted to ask him wtf he’s been playing at. Especially now that his behaviour has threatened their friend group.

I’d 100% be ending the marriage over this. Every single part of it is his fault. Does he also blab about your former anorexia and how wonderful he is to support you with that?

It sounds to me like he shared your trauma to benefit himself. Ie so he could get off work earlier, have all his friends rally round poor him etc. he’s a cunt

He has betrayed you, not just once, but many times over. He also doesn't seem to realise the enormity of the situation for you. No, a steak won't fix it. I said on your initial thread that he needs to choose between you and his mates. And he also needs to throw everything he has at fixing this for you and meeting you where you're at. Ie it might not be huge to him but it is to you and that's how he needs to respond, in kind.

Only you can decide if this is marriage ending. You have a long journey ahead if you decide to stay and lots of future triggers. You also have a difficult time ahead if you split. But you WILL get through it and you WILL be okay. I promise. Good luck xx

Yes this would be the end for me. He’s betrayed your trust not with one or two people but with multiple that you know about. These people may or may not have shared this information with others and you’ll never know. Your DH felt the need to share something deeply personal about you that wasn’t his to share with anyone else. Your DH and this group of friends don’t seem to grasp the severity of what your DH has done by telling them or what their other friend did to you in the bar. I’m absolutely horrified they were actually going to hold a meeting about it, their lack of awareness on how this has impacted you is astounding.

Personally, I couldn’t trust my DH with the smallest thing again if he did something like this, I’d have asked him to leave by now.

You don’t need anyone else to tell you what you already know. It is the end of your marriage, there is absolutely no coming back from this.

Yes it would be the end of the marriage if it was me. He called you mental

He has basically used your trauma as a way of gaining sympathy for himself. At best. I would end it. In fact I did end a relationship where my partner shared things about a family member with his adult kids who then gossiped to his ex wife - things I hadn’t told my own mum and then he told me everyone in his exes family was asking for me. I went ape and he refused to tell his kids off for gossiping even though he was at fault for telling them anyway… he also said I was out of order reacting like I did.. “they clearly cared” but they had no need to know. It was private and if the person they were discussing had found out, they’d have had a doing too. I can’t imagine what you’re going through with this level of disrespect, betrayal of confidence and unapologetic behaviour. It’s all been about his friends. Fuck him. Seriously there is no coming back from this. You’ll never trust him again. I’d also be worried they also got off on it.. his mate certainly was

I may have this wrong but wasn't his reaction to insult/belittle you & worry about splitting his friendship group?

I'm so sorry, OP.

I could not get past someone who was supposed to love and protect me using my traumatic SA as a 'get out of work early card' story or a story to share with all his mates and mother freely. He's made your SA all about him, even though he wasn't in the picture when it happened and had zero reason to. And now he's more concerned with his friendship circle and his mates' feelings? Just, wow. Wow!

I read your first post and it actually made me incredibly angry. Your husband is now lying to you on top of having broken your trust. He didnt tell people for your benefit, he told people because he’s a gossip and enjoyed the attention of the sympathetic responses he will have got.

I am so far away from the usual LTB responses that most women get for barely any crime but your husband? He wouldn’t be mine anymore. I think he’s an arsehole of a man and I wouldn’t trust him ever ever again. I’d be more inclined to give a second chance to my husband if he’d actually been having an affair.

I posted on your other thread before the update about your DH's recent behaviour.

I was raped at the same age. I wouldn't be able to forgive him or trust him again, it was touch and go after he even showed willingness to meet with his mates to have a discussion in the first place. Absolutely not after the calling you mental, refusal to apologise and go to couples counselling. I would be done.

FWIW DH was even more hard-line said he would have cut off all his friends for even suggesting that it could be worked out or for staying friends with B after what he did. Also said that you should leave your DH.

In your position I would get some individual counselling sorted ASAP and start getting your ducks in a row re: evidence of finances and make sure you have some funds in a bank account in your name only that DH can't access, yours and the kids passports/ID and important paperwork somewhere safe preferably not in the house and get a free solicitors appointment.

Eat the steak though, I imagine stabbing it with a knife and cutting it into tiny pieces could prove therapeutic, use the strength it gives you to get angry and get free from him. You have been so strong and done all this work to get to this point within yourself where you feel strong enough to stand up to this arseholery. You don't need him to bring you down and try to make you feel weak because he gets some sort of ego trip out of it.

I’m so sorry to have read what has happened to you. You sound so brave and so strong to have overcome this and anorexia as well. You have my admiration.

As your marriage… I don’t know I would want my husband to find a new job and ditch all his friends every last one of them I’d even consider moving house.

You need New start. If you decide to stay, of course

I think he knows exactly how badly he's fucked up and is hoping just to style it out. That simply confirms how shallow and self-absorbed he is. You should leave him. I can just imagine what his bullshit sob story will sound like. You deserve so much better. He's all ego and only cares for himself.

He used your trauma to get himself attention and time off work. I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the same way again.

He doesn't want to go to couples therapy & none of the friends wanted you present when they were planning their "discussion" without you. Because they all like to think of themselves as "good men". Being confronted in person by the reality that they have not been good men in the way they have behaved so far, & will continue to behave (I would bet good money that they'll all hang out with B again soon!), is too much for their egos handle.

I'm so glad you've started another thread OP, you need a lot of support right now.

Your DH has also violated you, just in a different way. I honestly don't know how you can get back from that - he's been caught out using your story for whatever reason - attention, pity, ego... fuck knows what. And he's got no right at all to do that.

I would see counselling, so that he has to face the enormity of what he's done, as the only way through this together. I'm so sorry, OP.

On your other thread it read to me as though your husband has positioned himself as your saviour. The guy who might need to dash out of work early, or drop the kids with mil, or take on all the household responsibility because you are so affected by your trauma. He's used you to promote his own nice guy, ultimate hero image. It's parasitic, on top of exposing and violating.

The idea that over the years you have been in these social situations where everyone else is aware of these details and you have been ignorant to that, at his doing, is vile.

Its worth taking your time to think about if this is salvageable, what you need from him to make it work and what your next step is if he refuses. Dont feel pressured to make a decision straightaway, but also please dont feel like you owe him anything in terms of forgiveness because for most this would be a marriage ending scenario.

You’re handling this so well and advocating for yourself so well. I hope you’ve got other people in real life to lean on though as this must be coming at a great emotional cost.

The real question now, is whether he is sorry he hurt you (questionable given that he won’t even apologise and instead attempted to attribute blame to you for his actions, by calling you mental), or sorry he got caught?