DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

I am so sorry this is happening to you, I am sorry he has put you in this position, I am sorry you couldn’t trust to very person you should be able to trust. I have no idea why this bunch of H’s ‘friends’ need to get together and talk about an incident that has absolutely nothing to do with them!! That for me is quite frankly disgusting and your H should have put a stop to that a lot sooner. Your H lack of responsibility here is astounding, its actually disgusting that he thinks he can behave in this way towards you, and that you would think thats ok?

I couldn’t trust my H again, I would be very upset by his current behaviour and this would be the end of my marriage.

Great post and I am sorry that you too have been raped @ThouShaltHaveaFishyonALittleDishy 🥲

Agree. It is disrespectful to @Anon8761 and what she is having to process right now. Posters need to be right doesn't trump the support OP needs.
She has such a lot to process right now. Reopening the wounds of what she went through and the failure of her husband to support her.

He had no right to tell anybody and his failure to acknowledge this is concerning.

His friends are arseholes and their friendship group has been fractured but that is entirely on them.
B needs to suffer some consequences as do the whole group. They need educating on the deep trauma women suffer at the hands of men. Not sure how this could be achieved but there should be some accountability.

Her husband retraumatising her is completely unacceptable and his attempts at deflection and blame is concerning. That he is still not accepting his failure to protect his wife and child is almost unbelievable.

There is so much for @Anon8761 to process before she can even begin to decide how to go forward. Urging her to leave the marriage straight away while she is in shock is not the answer. I would ask him to leave the home while she makes her decisions with no distractions or him and others in her ear.
A poster mentioned his mother and what role she has played. I find it difficult as a woman, that she didn't question his right to share that information with her or ask if he had shared it with anyone else.

So much to unravel. Wishing you healing and hugs @Anon8761 . Hopefully you are getting support and working on a path forward.

I'd walk away. He treated your worst and most traumatic moment as gossip. It was a talking point for him. None of his friends would know but for him running his mouth. Its unforgivable. You can't trust him.

Hope you're as ok as can be Op. Thinking of you.

No level of stress makes it even remotely reasonable or understandable that he told at least 9 people, 8 of who are men, without asking OP first or even letting her know afterwards. Consent matters to good men.

Just about everyone on this board gets told to LTB.

My point exactly. It is not conducive to healthy relationships if that is where you go to as your first response, every single time.

This.
You are still reeling not only from horrible B's verbal attack but from the crazy and unexpected aftermath. It's a lot.. and yet you have stood up for yourself and articulated how you felt. I agree you need bit of time and someone to talk to who has the experience to help you. You are definitely not over reacting.

However, DH cannot continue doing what has caused so much offence in the first place. No more hand wringing for sympathy or asking the group for "advice" which is really updating them. He needs to be telling them what's going to happen, not the other way around.
That would be the last straw. It's also hard to trust someone who has lied. He doesn't seem to understand this. And he's not listening to or understanding the damage its done. But that is difficult if he can't/won't discuss it properly and resorts to calling you mental etc..Being extra nice for a few days in the hope that everything will go back to normal, especially after recent conversations, is not going to cut it.

Does he not understand that B, in targeting you was also doing his best to wreck a happy marriage, and then wanting salacious details some of which were as much about DH as about you. There's jealousy there as well as creepiness.
Why is he not hopping mad about that? Has it even sunk in? or is he just dismissing it?

If it was one of my DC who'd been hurt like this by a friend, I'd be round there tearing a strip and telling them never to darken our door again and the same to anyone who agreed with them. I wonder if any of the wives of the friendship group have noticed B's creep factor. I wouldn't want B still hanging around in future years as the group's offspring get older either.
It makes me think that DH is ruled by this friendship group.
Sorry OP.

The only way I could move forwards is if he did everything that you needed from now on, (apologise, therapy, cut off horrible friend etc.. ) and even then it would be difficult. I'm very sorry.

I'd be also questioning the husbands attitude to what happened to the OP more generally. The telling everyone, the throwing the consequences back in her face (eg not working due to the trauma), the hanging about with a group of guys who make rape jokes (and only asking them to pack it in when there is a risk of being overheard, otherwise he is seemingly fine with it)...none of this suggests he is really taking what happened to her as seriously as he should be

Yes, for me it would be relationship ending.
I cannot think of any legitimate reason for your husband to have told anybody about what happened to you, let alone at least nine people.
Telling your MIL is especially disgusting to me, as she's someone who you have to see and interact with often, with a much more personal relationship than just one of his mates or his boss.
It comes across to me he's told people for the sake of his own ego, like, "Look what I've taken on, aren't i so selfless/understanding/patient" or some other long list of superlatives about just how amazing he is, like he's some knight in shining armour for choosing someone with completely understandable trauma that will have an effect on every aspect of your life. Like some kind of hero complex on his part. He's also used your trauma as an excuse with his boss to try to get leeway or special treatment he otherwise wouldn't get, like leaving work at the drop of a hat or taking days off etc claiming you "need" him. Be interesting to know if he's actually done this to get an early finish or a day off you're completely unaware of.

He's dismissing how what he's done was disgusting and abhorrent and insisting you're fine and don't need therapy etc, because it's destroyed his image of himself as this super human on a pedestal he's made himself up to be. A therapist would rightly tear him a new one and tell him in no uncertain terms he's 100% in the wrong and what he's done is in excusable.

In short hes taken the worst experience of your life, used it to his own advantage, and now because of his predator "mate" he's been exposed and completely re traumatised you all over again. Like you said, it was private, you didn't want to be judged or thought of differently by others because of it, so chose to keep it to yourself, as was your right. Hes betrayed you, and made it central focus of your life again, and reduced you in so many peoples eyes whoms lives your entwined with, as a "victim" instead of just being "anon8761".

I'm so sorry he's done this to you and hope it doesn't set you back in your healing journey.

Thinking of you op

Hope you are ok OP. Please don't let all the outrage on this thread deter you from returning if you need any support.

If you have made the decision to move on with your marriage, all the best for the future. You have been so strong.

Hi all, I'm sorry for the radio silence

I will read some of the replies now
I'm booked in with the trauma psychiatrist sometime after the summer holidays
Trying to keep things above water till then I guess.. just trying to survive the 6 weeks you know?

@Anon8761 you can get through them 💪 how are things with your dh?

You don't owe us any apologies, at this point you need to put yourself and your kids first not us unknown people on the internet. We are here when you need us. It is good you have organised some support for when you will have more headspace to think about everything. Keep on paddling.

No need to apologise. That's what these threads are for, but you don't owe anyone any updates.

In a way, it will be good to have the school holidays. None of that early morning getting everyone out on time stress.
You can take the DC for some nice trips and keep them occupied. During a difficult bereavement I found it was so comforting to have the children around, seeing them enjoying doing normal things.

Are there any summer clubs or sports you could book them in for, if you need a break or have you got family who could come round and entertain them a bit? Mine used to get very excited by train rides... and just changes of scene really, everything always seems better in the open air. But also having pj days .
(I'm not asking the question for any kind of answer, just listing some suggestions)
Might help to book in some cleaning sessions so that you have a bit of help with the inevitable holiday messes.
But don't feel you have to be too ambitious, just keeping going step by step will help.
I'm glad you've been able to book in some support.

Wishing you all the best x