DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

The problem is, he’s broken your trust. And that’s a fundamental part of any relationship, particularly your marriage given what you have survived. You don’t need to end your marriage today, next week, or even next year. But one day, this might be the reason you end your marriage. And that’s ok. Time is your own, you don’t have to make any decisions in haste.

I've just caught up on your other thread -i am so sorry for what you've been through,all of it and now with your husband betraying you the way he has.

His friend B sexually harassed you and your husband buckled at the first push back to cut him out of his life.

He refuses to take take responsibility or even properly acknowledge your feelings, and you find out he has lied to you for years and left you vulnerable and exposed. No wonder you're doubting whether your marriage can recover.

Please reach out to someone you trust in real life.

In the meantime, don't let yourself be gaslit or steamrolled. You're a bloody queen for recovering after you've been through so much.

Posted on the other thread but I'm going to put it here too to give you something to think about...

Unfortunately, I discovered DH has told his boss about the assault and chronic pain conditions so he could get off early should I 'need' him. It was 'for my benefit'. I've no idea what else he's been saying.

Sorry OP but I think your 'D'H is shit. And what he's got is a bad case of main character syndrome. Even though it's not his trauma, when he tells people he's still going to get a lot of 'gosh', 'wow', 'how awful'. And then he'll get the questions (because a lot of people are like that) 'Did she know the person?', 'how old was she?', 'did she report it to the police?' etc. And all the time their eyes, ears and attention are on him.

He doesn't have your back, however much he tries to spin it that way. He's only looking out for himself and how your trauma can benefit him.

I'd be seriously thinking about whether you want to continue in a relationship where your husband sees your history as a way to gain cultural capital.

I think sadly it would. Only because I couldn’t trust my husband ever again. I expect safety from him. Not to use my trauma for his own gain and messed up brownie points.

That your husband isn’t willing to go
to therapy given your trauma is so devastating. That he’s not begging you for forgiveness or even acknowledging what hurt he’s caused is insulting. I’m sorry.

Just to add that I do agree with a pp that it's too early for you to make any decisions yet. It's easy for us to say what we think we'd do in your shoes but very early days for you to even know what you feel never mind what to do. The shock is going to keep catching up with you repeatedly over the coming days and weeks. But if you're asking whether YABU to be horrified or whether to believe the narrative he's trying to sell that you're overreacting, then I think that most of us are saying we're horrified on your behalf and you are definitely not overreacting.

It sounds as though your husband is a man who loves to gossip and pick apart other people's problems. It sounds as though he's really enjoyed telling people - he'd know that they'd be shocked to hear what had happened to you and now he's the one with a story to tell. It's his story to dine out on.

If I were his mother I would have given him such a bollocking for talking about this without your permission.

It would be marriage ending for me, OP, because he's never put your interests first and he gossips with fucking horrible men about you being raped.

That Person B needs to be put against a wall and shot.

BTW when you messaged the group, were the women included?

I wouldn’t ever be able to see him in the same light again, apology or no apology.

He should be on his knees with shame, but he isn’t is he.

The bottom line is, he has absolutely no respect for you, because if he did, he wouldn’t have dreamt of so seriously betraying your trust in the first place.

I think this is really insightful, pointing out his main character syndrome and how he's made it all about him.

Will also reiterate that what B subject you to, op, does more than meet the legal definition of sexual harassment.

I agree with above.
He is the most odious of men.
His character and useof your trauma to benefit him really would make my skin crawl.

I don’t know is the honest answer from me OP. I just don’t know. I do think other posters are right though in saying you need time to think. Don’t make any decisions now

I'm sorry OP - yes it would for me.
Have your struggles ever actually meant that he has had to leave work or seek emergency child care? How stressful do you think things have been for him, in terms of trying to support you? Truthfully, if you reflect on your needs and behaviours?
I'm just so shocked by his betrayal that I'm half hoping there is some sort of explanation that we aren't seeing, without his side of the situation.
Regardless, he has betrayed your trust. Only you know if you could trust him agaun, and under what circumstances /conditions.

I think this is even past counselling . You could give him an ultimatum , either counselling or the end of the marriage . But to be honest I think you’ve already made your mind up and there’s no going back. He doesn’t want counselling as it would mean he’s in the wrong, seems his pride and bigot ness is more important to him

People who have not experienced trauma have a very superficial understanding of it, and how to behave around it. I know this.

It is understandable.

Not for nothing, most decent therapists have some experience of trauma somewhere along the line.

Your husband is fortunate in that he has not had a catastrophic experience, but unlucky that the woman he loves has.

Unlucky because it means, for example, that he has walked himself into this situation while thinking he is supportive.

I can see how that enrages you.

It is clear that he does not have a clue why it is so wrong and the how many levels there are. To me though, it seems to come from ignorance rather than arrogance.

I do not think it should end your marriage. All told I bet he truly loves you.

And all told, if the dust settles a bit, he will "get it" on a deep level, and you will see change.

But right now, he is in defense, there is a lot coming at him. and he cannot see wood from trees.

Remember, if you leave you cannot go back. Think carefully and take your time.

Whatever you decide, good luck op.

This isn't to give your husband a pass but trauma isn't well understood even by many therapists and sexual trauma is particularly misunderstood - unfortunately so many men and indeed women seem to confuse it with sex when it is trauma pure and simple. I think your best bet would be to find a specifically and deeply trained trauma therapist and if you can afford it to work with them for a while. If not, seek out charities such as Women's Aid or Rape Crisis charities. They are experienced, sensitive and will have your back.

I am so sorry that following your original trauma you are now dealing with other people's nonsense/bad judgment/misunderstanding of your issue - you deserve much better. I think your partner doesn't get your trauma and that is not uncommon but it's up to you whether you leave him or not but maybe part of your work is to focus entirely on your own healing, be a little selfish. He sounds misguided - maybe a little immature - rather than a total idiot but as I say, trauma is very badly understood - particularly when it involves sexual trauma towards women. Men just don't seem to get it that well because it doesn't impact them and I'd even go so far as to say, I'm not sure they even can understand it. Find an experienced sexual trauma female therapist and you might feel understood - please do know that people can and do heal from these things.

I do agree with others don't make any rash decisions, op, although if you need some space from him that's ok. You've been retraumatised and your priority now needs to be doing whatever you need to help you feel safe again.

Please do confide in someone you can trust in real life, whether this is a professional, friend or family member

I am so sorry this has happened to you - I would not be able to continue in a marriage with someone who is so flippant with your private information.

When I read what you wrote about your H's reaction what struck me is that he seems to have enjoyed setting this topic up for open discussion - playing the "saviour with the poor wife". He has even blabbed to his boss to set up the excuse that his "poor wife" might need him. He is furious that he has been found out - not what he has done!

He has spent years perfecting his "white knight" narrative, it's not about supporting you - it's about collecting brownie points for being the "good guy/ supportive husband" while going into grim details with his mates. Given the misogynistic company he keeps I wonder if he holds similar views that he has kept hidden - that he perceives you as "damaged" and himself as a hero for marrying you.

A marriage is based on trust. You can't trust him, the trust has gone. He has violated you.

It would be the end for me. That he told a whole group of male friends about it would absolutely kill any feelings I had for him.

And he still doesn't understand what he's done - cooking steak! His reaction proves he hasn't the least idea.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I think it could be marriage ending as how on earth would you ever trust him again? What if you make new friends as a couple, he going to tell them too? He has treated you awfully in this. Clearly needs some education that rape is not something to be gossiped about! Ask him if it happened to him, would he be ok with you telling everyone?? Bet he wouldn’t.

You have a lot of thinking to do. What your husband did was a betrayal. He wanted the attention and used your trauma to gain attention.
Who are the meatheads who felt that they should have a meeting about a women's suffering. Your husband should have manned up and asked them who they think they are. They are not councillors, doctors, or phyciatrists just morons.
Honestly I don't think he was being caring. He told his boss for goodness sake. Did he use it to his advantage to get away early for something else
I can't advise you about leaving only you know if you can get past this. For what it's worth, I think he is weak, attention seeking, and very selfish. I think what he done was despicable, and I would tell him to stick his steak up his arse. It will not mend this.
I wish you well whatever you decide.

I think you need some time away from him and space to think.

I would find it very hard to trust him. And he just doesn’t get it. He really doesn’t.

Imagine if it was the other way round and you had told an entire group of your friends and your boss a deeply personal and traumatising thing that had happened to him without his knowledge. And used it in a gossipy soap opera way.

How well do you get on with his mum? I’d ask her to come and get him because you need time apart and he won’t go.

He has zero emotional intelligence. And to insult you and call you ‘mental’? makes it worse because he is refusing to admit he massively let you down.

FFS - a more entirely cynical read on the OP's partner and marriage would be hard to find.

And denigrating someone you have never met with such authority is truly delusional - I really hope the op, in a very vulnerable moment, has more sense that take what you say on board.

For example, how can you claim that a person you never met seems to have enjoyed setting this topic up for open discussion?

Or

He has even blabbed to his boss to set up the excuse that his "poor wife" might need him.

How, in good conscience can you present as "fact" - He has spent years perfecting his "white knight" narrative - I mean, what the actual F?

Here you discuss his motive with great authority - but you have never met him or anyone close to him - it's about collecting brownie points for being the "good guy/ supportive husband" while going into grim details with his mates

And the cherry on top of the absolute insanity of this post is saved for last - Given the misogynistic company he keeps I wonder if he holds similar views that he has kept hidden - that he perceives you as "damaged" and himself as a hero for marrying you.

This is someone's life here. You have responsibility. Use it.

I am so sorry. Yes this would be the end for me. He's basically treated your trauma as an anecdote, or an interesting fact about himself that he tells people. I'm sorry to be so blunt but your life partner and father of your children should never betray your confidence unless it's a life threatening emergency situation. He sounds quite thick to be honest and doesn't sound like he genuinely cares about you, just him and what your trauma means for him.

I am sorry to be so blunt. You sound like an amazing person. You deserve better.

Your posts are sinister.

@MarmaladeorJam i have to say I’ve had a similar feeling from what the OP said in her posts.

Its the way he presented it to his boss, how freely everyone in the group seems to talk about the OP trauma/SA as if it has been a subject many times, the way B approached the subject with the OP.