DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

OP, it's clear that you and your H have very opposing views about what his telling everyone about your past trauma actually means.

He sees it (or at least this is what he is telling you) as something he HAD to tell people so that they would understand if he needed to suddenly support you due to some possible future crisis, and that you should somehow be 'grateful' for his foresight??

Why would he need to prepare for a future 'crisis' exactly? Unless you've has previous 'crisis' episodes with him? If you've never suddenly 'needed' him due to your past traumas, why on earth would he feel the need to prepare for it??

No he's decided that it's simply 'water under the bridge' that you've found out about it, and he's decided to simply brush it under the carpet and act as if nothing major has occurred. He's doing that because, as far as he's concerned, he's told you he did it FOR YOU, therefore he's got nothing to be sorry about. You're clearly overreacting, and he's not going to agree to therapy, when he's done nothing wrong.

You, rightly, view it as a huge betrayal of your trust, which has altered your view of him as a person/partner, as well as dramatically changing your friend/family relationships, as you simply can't engage with everyone as you did before you knew your deepest, darkest secrets have been exposed to all and sundry by the one person you had trusted to keep them.

The fact that not only has he decided that it's 'no big deal' (cos for him, it's not) and a nice steak dinner will make you jump back into line, and carry on as before, he's also shut down your request for therapy to help you both gain understanding and maybe be given the tools to work through this, thereby shutting down any chance that his actions be examined and the unpalatable 'truth' of who he is and why he did it, be unveiled.

The truth being that he's betrayed your trust. He's put himself, first and foremost, in everything he's done. His priority has been to keep his friendship group intact, and to keep you from 'causing waves' by minimising what he's done, and then telling you it's for your benefit he's done it?? WTAF???

He'll be saying 'You're overreacting' and 'You're too sensitive' when the steak meal and 'slip back into the usual routine, nothing to see here' pressure doesn't work.

Please OP, listen to your own gut, which is screaming 'He's not who I thought he was!'

@Anon8761 a lot of posts here, all appalled on your behalf and I think they must be overwhelming to read. I hope you're OK

Please do seek some support in real life too x

It all sounds very much about control.

I even think that B being in the same bar as you and your friends, but sitting on his own, may not have been a random coincidence.

DH could have pre-arranged for one of the group to have been there to ‘protect’ you. Hence his eagerness in agreeing for you to ask B join you when you messaged him.

But, this is just how my mind works and it could have been a completely innocent chance meeting. It’s just after reading your posts and all the layers of your husband’s deception, control and gaslighting, nothing would surprise me.

Your husband has underestimated your strength. Keep reminding yourself of this, whatever you decide now - or in the future.

Maybe you should read OP's first thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=30&reply=153565865

Her husband has done lots of unforgivable things that would be marriage ending for many peope.

Things that OP's DH has done:

• without OP's knowledge, told the whole of his male friendship group all the details about OP's rape by two men at the age of 17
• didn't support her or even apologise for telling his friendship group all the details of her sexual assault when OP told him about meeting his friend B on a night out where he questioned her in detail about her rape, including asking if she was turned on by it
• Told his boss all the details of OP's sexual assault without her knowledge
• Told OP's MIL all the details of OP's sexual assault without her knowledge
• When OP was upset with him about all this, he told her that she wouldn't understand because she had only worked for 3 months in her life (this was due to the ongoing trauma from her assault)
• He told OP that she was mental

OP has already had lots of therapy. I doubt whether he would agree to couples therapy.

One observation in relation not to OP's situation but the thread in general.

I find the insinuation that seeking therapy means there's something 'wrong' with a person deeply offensive. No one asks to be traumatised. No one is saying that being retraumatised is an 'OP' problem rather than an 'OP's DH and his appalling friends' problem. Those who inflict abuse on others are always the problem, and the fact that trauma is the result and that this sometimes needs treating is absolutely no endorsement of the traumatised person.

It's a statement about OP taking care of herself first and foremost. The other considerations are secondary. I know from experience that PTSD/cPTSD can make a person very seriously ill. It's an acquired form of neuorodivergence. It has symptoms that are sometimes hard to distinguish from bipolar. These are things I've only read (and recognised) about my own situation as a cPTSD sufferer relatively recently.

It's a serious condition. It needs retreatment if retraumatised - because as a form of acquired neurodivergence a person's mind has been reset in the way that it processes trauma. EMDR can treat existing trauma very effectively, but if new ones happen they need retreatment. And despite the effectiveness of this treatment, this way in which the mind is conditioned to process trauma is the one aspect of PTSD which cannot be undone.

Therefore recommending treating new traumas is not misplaced. The OP wants advice as to how to respond to her husband's betrayal: this forms part of that advice. It's advice to prioritze herself. Comments as to therapy are not an assumption that anything is 'wrong' with people who have been traumatised. Please think before suggesting that this might be the case. It may be well-meaning, but it's also wrong.

I'll just add that he declined therapy, lied about what he told and to who and when and in general dismissed her feelings of betrayal.

I agree, OP needs independent support right now to talk through everything that has happened. Seeking therapeutic support for this is not about it an 'OP problem' at all.

I have in fact suffered the exact same situation as the OP. And I have cared for a disabled relative my whole life from age 12 until she died about 5 years ago and have a child with a disability. I am simply saying that you want to reduce this down to he is bad/she is good. But by the looks of it this relationship is far more complex than this as is pretty much ALWAYS the case. If she is an adult that has not worked in a job for more than 3 months because her PTSD is so severe that she cannot work that is absolutely relevant and he is absolutely providing some care for her. That does not excuse his behaviour (in fact it makes it worse) but provides context to the marriage as a whole in relation to the stress they are both under. No one wants to talk about these grey areas because it's easier to just demonise him and encourage her to leave. What he did was wrong. I stand by the fact they need counselling together. This is one area where marriage counselling can actually be helpful.

OP: is he generally helpful, kind, a good father, a good provider, stable and loving? Do you get on, enjoy each other's company and see a future with him? If this had not happened how would you feel about him? Does he try and constantly tear you down? Or make you doubt yourself?

Don't make your life worse or make any rash decisions because a bunch of people you never met before told you to.

Your comment about the husband being her “carer” is insulting and faintly astonishing in light of your lived experience as a carer.

You are factually incorrect about marriage counselling being potentially useful in this situation. What it would be is a potential tool for him to victimise and blame her more, while he continues to play the saviour.

But, whatever. You’re entitled to your opinion. We’ll leave it there.

I just can't fathom what your DH was thinking. The boss thing is so stupid as well. what does he mean he told them so they knew incase he needed to leave early. Does that mean your DH has left work early on occasion and used your abuse as a fake excuse to benefit him? That's what it sounds like. Absolutely horrific behaviour

The OP wants advice as to how to respond to her husband's betrayal.

No, she didn't ask that actually.

She explained what had happened and asked one Yes/No question - "genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?"

The whole listing of what sort of traumas this might manifest/lead to/reawaken is a potential trauma for the OP in itself. Answer the question asked, with reasoning, and leave it there. Move at her pace, not yours.

I did read it. But if I didn't want my partner to tell other people things about me, I would either have made that crystal clear up front when I told him, or simply not have told him. Of course OP is entitled to be cross that he has told people about her traumatic experience but since they love each other, there is no reason they can't work it out between them. It seems that he thinks he did nothing wrong and did not tell these people for bad reasons but to help them understand her predicament. If she doesn't love him, then leave absolutely.

No wonder marriages are falling apart left right and centre with the refusal to accept any action as good-faith. We are a low trust society and MN seems to be lowest trust of all, especially with regard to men. Try giving people the benefit of the doubt for once.

Oh stop it.

Marriages are also falling apart left -right and centre because one spouse refuses to address the issue driving the m apart. OP has asked that DH goes for counselling. He has refused. So he is not ready to do the work for her to feel safe again and to trust him. Instead, having been told it was traumatizing for her when he told his friends, he has gone and told his boss. Why? Lets give him the benefit of doubt. Why couldnt he just say my partner needs me due to a health issue. Why did he have to tell a story that is not his to tell and that he has been told explicitly he should have? What next? If he wants a seat on the train he will tell the story again? OP has been reasonable in her response to her DH. He has thought the solution is to cook her a steak. A steak. Really?
I cannot tell OP what to do. But to her question is this marriage ending? I would say in the context of him refusing counselling, refusing to do the work to rebuild a safe space for OP then yes, 95%+ its marriage ending.

In that case, I mean in good marriage, the person who has hurt, even unintentionally, the other starts with an APOLOGY

Apology the OP’s dh is yet to make.
Actually he even went further the other way but insulting her and verbally attacking her instead.

These are not actions of a good man who wants to make his marriage work.
Just fur that, I’d think the OP is well advised to call it a day

Go fly a kite.

No man with a functioning brain needs to be told that some matters are private.

Thank you for the didactic reprimand and instructions as to how you think other posters should respond on this thread.

However, contrary to your disingenous claim, I am not the one trying to bulldose OP into the usual 'LTB immediately' advice whilst she is still in shock. Nor am I insisting that she should instantly act upon any advice offered on this thread.

I have engaged with similar therapy for similar traumas and am responding from that position: as someone who actually knows what it's like. The OPs traumas and engagement with EMDR were, incidentally, clearly mentioned on the previous thread. I have not plucked this out of thin air. It's therefore highly offensive to suggest I am responsible for potentially retraumatising her.

You should apologise. But given the morally superior tone of your list of imperious 'demands', I can confidently predict that you won't.

But the poster is listening to the OP.

To everything the OP is saying.

The OP has said that she has not worked because of trauma related issues.

Hi OP. As I think I said on your other thread, I can almost understand why he did it, BUT,,, and it's a big BUT.... 1 he definitely appears to hav ebeen getting some kind of thrill out of being the husband of a woman who had experienced such trauma. Either becuase it allowed him to elicit sympathy or becuase he was dining out on it. and 2. Now that he realises how much he has violated your privacy, his response is telling. He's NOT taking accountabiltiy. He's NOT apologising. He's NOT reflecting. And that, more than anything, is the really big worry for me.

You mentioned on your last thread that he threw some thing sin your face about your health and your work. I wonder if either he's had some low level resentment about that or if he's felt he needs to justify that to his friends, family and colleagues? Eithe rway, he was in the wrong, but again, it makes me wonder if there's issues going on in his own head he's not dealing with it.

I really hope that between you, you can work through this. But you can only do that if he's willing to actually be part of that process and so far he doesn't seem to be.

He called her mental.

Would you stay with someone that

1. betrayed your trust by telling lots of people the most personal and traumatic thing in your life.
2. Then joined his mates in trying to get you to smooth things over so it doesn’t cause the friendship group problems.
3. ignores your very understandable distress and anger and calls you mental (when you have fought long and hard to overcome the impact of your trauma on your mental health)
4. who refuses to take accountability and refuses counselling - invalidating you by saying ‘we are fine!’ When you feel re-traumatised and violated.

If yes, then I really feel for you. Your standards need to be much higher for yourself.

The OP alone can make this decision and is unlikely to rush into anything. However, he has missed the key window of repair and instead doubled down and been abusive. I think if he’d apologised and seemed to really understand the damage then I’d be camp ‘give him another chance’ but his reaction has been to gaslight, verbally abuse, manipulate and invalidate. That’s not a man I could trust again with my psychological safety.

its really clear that your DH, in addition to violation of your privacy, has no real sense of how awful sa is for victims. I was really struck by the reason he gave for why it was disclosed in the first place. Is he really saying that the only reason that men should not make disgusting rape jokes is if they know there is someone around who has been raped? This is exactly how men show they are part of the problem, not the solution. As well as casually sharing your private trauma , he is making it all about himself and showing some really entrenched attitudes which are pretty unforgivable.

Whilst people argue this out and bicker, im not sure if anyone has even noticed that OP hasnt been back once. Perhaps dialing it down and leaving the thread until the OP actually wants to come back for support might be wise?

I think that it probably would be marriage-ending, and his behaviour since you found out has made it all worse tbh.

I do think though that you shouldn’t rush to a permanent decision, maybe some counselling for you, so that you can work through it with someone.

I have noticed. I checked upthread as this occurred to me and I wouldn't blame OP in the least if she decides not to return. A lot of these posts are not in the spirit of supporting someone who has experienced a hideous betrayal on top of a painful historical trauma. There are only so many pages of moral indignation it's helpful for someone to read. OP knows it's a betrayal. She's aware. It's also not possible to make objective decisions instantly when immediately faced with something like this. Support throughout the process might have been more helpful.

It was suggested on the first thread that OP might want to repost on this board because AIBU tended to be too brutal. On this occasion it seems that was a misfire.