DH told a lot of people I was SA and I had no idea (TW)

[Anon8761]

Hi all this is just following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554153-dh-friends-want-to-discuss-me-i-want-to-be-there-aibu-tw?page=1

Thank you for your support there 💐

I don't know if I'm supposed to summarize the above thread? If so I will try. Sorry.

I don't know if my marriage can actually recover from this and it's confusing as DH is very sorry, right now but won't attend therapy and won't give me a decent apology. Instead he's said he'd cook us steak tonight and I want to throw his stupid pack of steak in his face! Steak isn't going to solve this is it?

I'm in this anger stage.
Past the shock.
Just furious.
Until I panic and think maybe I'm overreacting
Because maybe he did mean well and maybe I should be greatful for him 'protecting me'.... then I swing back to anger.

Can I ask, genuinely, if you were me, would this be marriage ending?

What was your DH's reaction to B quizzing you about your sex life with DH? Surely that would have incensed him to know his wife (you) was being asked if he (DH) satisfied you?
It's all a terrible state of affairs and you must feel very betrayed indeed.

It wouldn't be marriage ending for me providing he was willing to discuss it in therapy. Is he doubling down at the minute because he is panicking?
You obviously know him best of all, I'm just so sorry you've been through all of this. Solidarity OP. It must be hard to feel any type of safe place after what he has done but If you've had 9 years of happiness I would take a beat on this, if you feel you can't get over the betrayel then you are absolutley within your rights to walk away but emotions are sky rocketed at the minute aswell.

It would definitely be marriage ending for me. So sorry, OP.

I would be so hurt by this, I would struggle to get past it. (And whoever that find was that was digging I could never go out with him again- he’s scum to ask you those questions).

Why on earth your DH has shared this deeply personal trauma I do not know. He should be absolutely disgusted with himself and his ‘mates’. I agree with pp he’s betrayed you.

Yes, absolutely marriage ending.

Telling his friends & his boss, for his own reasons which appear to be manipulative and self serving.
Allowing this rape fantisist friend B to not only go unchallenged, but then to encourage a male group meeting to discuss you. Discuss you, like they are the commanders in the fkg Handmaids Tale. This is VILE and misogynistic beyond any comprehension.
To bully you into submission.
Then to call you mental? How dare he.
Even one of these things is unforgiveable.

I say all this as someone who experienced trauma as a young woman and which took me nearly 30 years to tell my DH about. There would be no coming back for the relationship, for me. (I showed my H your previous thread and he said he was so appalled by your husband's behaviour he was struggling to find the words).

You are brave.
You are strong.
You are worthy of far more and far better than this.
I am so very sorry for all you have experienced and for you having been so badly let down.

We are here for you whatever your decision, lovely. 💐

Hi OP. I read the entirety of your first thread and commented on it. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. After reading your first few posts I felt that your husband had betrayed you so completely and so repeatedly that, if I were you, I would
leave the marriage and not look back.

After reading your later posts re: how he responded to you, then I’m afraid the situation just sounds worse and worse.

He doesn’t seem to care about your feelings - he is either so stupid that he can’t comprehend the extent of your trauma and disgust at his actions, or - more likely - he doesn’t want to know because it’s not important to him. It’s just drama that he can’t be bothered with.

When you asked him to explain his actions - the awful betrayal of repeatedly dining out on your past trauma and using it (as other posters astutely labelled it) for social currency he called you “crazy”, threw your past medical history in your face, mocked your employment history, denied there was a problem, refused to work on your marriage by going to counselling and basically told you to shut the fuck up.

Your husband is nothing special. In fact, he’s the stereotype of the gas-lighting, DARVO-ing, abusive narc. This isn’t about you as far as he’s concerned, it’s about the most important person here - HIM.

How little does he respect and value you, that he thinks he can buy his way out of any repercussions for his awful, abusive treatment of you with a CUP OF COFFEE and a STEAK!?! What the actual fuck?

It’s a very good thing that he couldn’t even be bothered to agree to attempt counselling. You should never, under any circumstances, try joint counselling with an abuser. It just gives them another avenue by which to manipulate and violate you.

You are not safe with him. You will never be safe with him.

This

there are no "grounds for divorce" now in the UK

Personally I couldn’t be in a situation where anyone I was talking to may or may not know what had happened to me depending on who my dh had told and how much of a dickhead drama llama that person was. I assume if you are in the uk you are in a tight knit community if there are a group of friends who are close after 30 years so I would expect everyone to know everyone else’s business. I could not ever forgive someone for putting me in that situation. Something much lesser happened to me at work and someone I trusted spread what had happened round like it was a rumour and I haven’t ever trusted a work colleague with any personal info since, it absolutely floored me someone I thought was a friend would use something so personal as currency, so to find out my husband had done that would be utterly unforgivable.

Op I’m sure you don’t want to hear this but you need to be getting your life sorted out so you can thrive on your own, money, childcare, work etc etc so you can leave this man and this awful community behind. It isn’t your fault and you haven’t done anything wrong but I think you will struggle to feel safe in the environment you are currently in. Which is shit for you, I wish there was a way your dh could feel what you and I imagine many women who have read your story feel.

Honestly there was betrayal after betrayal in his behaviour, it would be marriage ending for me. Not just him telling them, but even entertaining a discussion with the group about his friends harassment of you, and his minimising something so painful for you. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I followed your previous thread but didn’t comment. However, I’m not sure I could move past this betrayal of trust. I don’t think there are any good reasons for telling his friends, his boss or his mother.

I think there are some people who when trusted with a big secret just can’t keep it; often gossipy women but there are men too. There are also those who tell so they appear to be saviours, good people, and get their satisfaction from appearing to be a hero.

I don’t think he is your hero and he has broken your trust. You don’t need a reason to divorce nowadays. You might want to explore counselling first but I think I would be heading to chat to a solicitor.

I also would not be telling him about talking to a solicitor and would just be keeping fairly low key so he thinks all is OK. He isn’t going to give you a genuine heartfelt apology but you might as well soak up the coffees in bed and the steaks….Try not to act in any way he can claim is a mental health issue.

I wish you serenity.

Op I read your other thread too. For me it would be marriage ending. I couldn't ever feel i would trust him again.

I’m not sure it’s something I could get over. You told him in the strictest confidence because he’s your husband! He has told so many people that I could never forgive him. It’s not his to tell. The fact that you opened up to him and he has blabbed to everyone and saying it’s for your benefit and to protect you. What a load of gaslighting bullshit!! I just couldn’t

I couldn’t get over his betrayal.

The basis of a good relationship is having honesty and respect between you and you now know you don’t have that. I’d be telling him that you can never forgive what he’s done and the marriage is over.

Edited this to say I’m so sorry for the trauma you went through as a teenager and also for extreme hurt that you are suffering now.

Yes it would be relationship ending for me. He seems to have enjoyed sharing this information with everyone at any opportunity and used it to benefit himself eg finishing work early. He has normalised his friend group's casual attitude to discussing it by talking about it so freely, which has led you you having to deal with their appalling behaviour. It isn't about you at all and he hasn't respected your needs, trust or privacy. I am so sorry, he seems to have snared you after a vulnerable time and is now acting as if supporting you is a hardship and using it against you, when he probably was actually attracted by your vulnerability.

He said you were mental? Wtaf?! I’m appalled that he’s told anyone, let alone his boss. His reason for doing so is total shite. If B is still a friend after quizzing you about this, I’d be disgusted.

Your dh appears to be minimising this. His excuse as to why he told his friends is bollocks. I can’t imagine my Dh telling his friends I was raped because they were making awful comments because a) his friends are not total arseholes and wouldn’t dream of making such comments and b) he’d just tell them to shut the fuck up because making comments like they did is horrible.

Yes in my eyes it is marriage ending.

It’s not just that he broke your trust.
Its his answer when you vi fronted him, the things he said (never worked etc….)
Its his refusal to go and see a counsellor
It’s the fact he still hasn’t given you an apology
And it’s the way the ‘friends’ have been talking about you, B included. It makes me think he was truly enjoying talking and judging you with his friends, in a quite creepy way. I mean fur B yo feel that relaxed about asking you if you enjoy sex, it’s a subject they must have gone over many times.

And it’s the fact it has been going on fur years. And he used your rape as an easy excuse with his boss.

All of it is just disgusting and creepy. No way I could ever trust a man doing that.
I hope you’re not going to give him ‘a second chance ’ . He doesn’t deserve one.

This would be the case for me too.

Just supposing we give him the benefit of the doubt that he told everyone, including his boss, so that he could support you when needed, OP.

It just doesn't add up. Where is his support for you now? He doesn't even seem to think there's anything to be concerned about.

@Anon8761I think your DH's reaction just ramps up the concern.
Had he been mortified and willing to do whatever it would take to restore your faith and trust, then maybe that would be a way forward.
But minimising and refusal and thinking cooking dinner makes any difference is a huge red flag.
So tbh I don't see a future here.

If you don't believe that OP is genuine, either just stop posting and leave the thread or report the thread to Mumsnet who will check behind the scenes.

I believe that OP is genuine and I don't think it's fair of you to try and derail the thread and cast doubt upon the verity of OP's posts.

Oh op I’m so sorry.
I read your first thread in utter disbelief.
Your later updates were just really bad. I’m still shocked he told so many people, inc your MIL and his boss. The last one just seems so unnecessary.
But then to call you mental etc is fucking unforgivable.

So yes, 100% it is marriage ending. I would no longer trust him. At all. With anything.

How is your DH not furious at his mate for asking you inappropriate questions? It's so weird he doesn't seem to be bothered.

If he was incredibly remorseful and wanted to make it up to you AND if he defended you against his friend AND wrote off his friend, I'd consider forgiving him.

Right now it's marriage-ending behaviour, but that's easy for us to say and hard for you to do. But you can only stay with someone you trust, surely?

Would it be difficult to leave (eg financially etc)? Would it make you feel vulnerable again? If you need to stay until you feel stronger so be it. You've been through a lot.