There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

I would say that this is a pretty accurate estimate, it certainly took me a year or so after 12 years with ex. But that wasnt a year of feeling like I did on day one, it was a year of going from utter devastation to total indifference, its a journey.

Been through some break ups with friends one stands out. He became a different person within months, she was left with a brand new baby.
It was horrific and we were so worried.
I honestly wondered if she’d get over it.
He was awful in every way.
And then a few years later we were having a meal and a guy at the next table started talking to her.
Their wedding was beautiful and they had two DC to add to her daughter.
We are a couple of decades on now and she still says her first DH leaving was the greatest gift. Her DH now is wonderful and my friend’s DD sees him as dad. Her father is the same arsehole he was when he left.

My tv recommendations, sex and the city, peep show (no functioning relationships to get upset about there), and the pit.

you’re doing great OP. form is temporary, class is permanent. You’re having a bad day, but you know you’re still incredible.

Amazing watch list being developed here! 😁
I think it’s wise to be aware of firsts as well. They always hit with a fresh slap. But that’s all they are- a sting, and over and then never again.

And there will be awesome firsts, too- things you’ve not been able to do with him that you can now enjoy!

Please don’t think you’re not doing brilliantly! I was a mess when my ex upped and left us (literally dropped the bombshell, went upstairs and packed a bag and left). I was so in love with him and never thought I’d get over it. I was so desperate to have him back that I let the arsehole use me as a fwb for a whole year afterwards, in a colossal act of self-harm. It broke my heart every time he left afterwards.

Eventually I just realised I had to rip the plaster off. Three years later I married my DH, and it was the best thing I ever did! We’re still blissfully married 20 years later.

Of course you’re going to miss him, and cry and get upset. Your life has been turned upside down! That doesn’t mean you’re not doing great, it means you’re human. Just give yourself all the self-care you can, whatever that looks like to you. x

You prob cried Wednesday as it was the start of your firstong period without the kids . It's just the first of everything op . The first Xmas will be hard first holiday it's normal to feel unsettled as it's the unknown x

Wise move. Not to discount it in future if you’re interested but it took me quite a while to even consider dating after the exact same thing happened to me. My ex then moved in with a “friend” from work. They are now married with a daughter. I am married again and very happy but I remember the sheer confusion and hurt as to why he’d done that to me. I was completely shell shocked. I’ve been following for a long time and you are handling it amazingly but be kind to yourself. You are amazing. You will get through this! You will definitely have more wobbles but you seem to be like an amazing mum. Trust me, they do remember when grown up who was there for them xx

I went to my friend’s house tonight and a few of us were there so it was lovely to catch up and get out for a few hours, it really helped 😊

No, dating or anything similar is so far from my thoughts, I couldn’t think of anything I want less at the moment.

Thank you everyone, I’m a woman just doing her best for her kids and I’ll be honest, pretty much winging every day, especially lately!

Yeah I am trying to tell myself that hopefully things will get easier once the “firsts” of everything are over and done with 🤞

I absolutely love peep show but it’s a series me and my ex used to watch regularly and I feel like it’s just a bit too close to home at the moment. I think tomorrow I may watch 24 hours in police custody and binge that on the channel 4 streaming app.

All your stories and experiences of how happy and peaceful your lives are now, is amazing to hear and more comforting than you all will ever realise xx

One day Op, you will be comforting someone on here, just as other posters are helping you. You’ve come a long way already, and it really is ok to grieve for what could have been. You’ve done so so well. X

This xx

I went to my friend’s house tonight and a few of us were there so it was lovely to catch up and get out for a few hours, it really helped 😊

You are doing really well. And you’ve had a few calm days with no texts and drama.

I expect the return may not be entirely smooth after he’s had 5 days of solo care. My guess is, based on my ex, whilst having agreed to the schedule he will still feel resentful at some level that his freedom has been impinged.Although having his Mum to delegate to may mitigate that. However don’t rise to anything. Just be happy to have them back.

i also wonder if the DC may also want to stay with you all week this week, so you will just have to take it in stages!

I’ll be honest, I’ll find it hard that they come back to me tomorrow then will go back to him for 2 more nights on Wednesday, but then from Friday it’s my long stretch with them, which I’m excited for 😊

Not long now OP 😊

Wow its not surprising you are lost & hurting, It's the first time your DC have ever been away from you for so long, & by force, into the enemy camp. it's not at all surprising it hurts. That all the empty time you once dreamed of is full of the ticking clock waiting for their return.
All your children grew in your belly, have your blood pumping through their veins. They are an extension of you,
Time will tell if he keeps having them regularly, if they play up or if they enjoy it, if you start feeling glad that they are happy or if it exacerbates his abandonment.
You will get used to it. for better or worse, but you didn't choose it.

I fear he will bring a "friend" out of the woodwork soon enough, he has planned this carefully to make it appear he is not a cheating wanker cliché, but rarely do men leave unless they have another plan.

......and breathe........

I do think someone will come out of the woodwork soon. However, I am starting to think more and more that he’s done me a favour in the long run.

I hope the kids have enjoyed it, for their own sake and I also hopes he keeps to his 50/50 for the same reason.

I can’t even put into words how excited I am to have them back home with me!

Just be aware they may well act up massively when they are back with you as they know you are their safe place.

Yeah I’m prepared for that, my 4 year old’s behaviour has changed since he left so I’m expecting her especially to be more heightened.

Hi OP,
if you're still looking for something to binge watch I totally recommend Rivals - if nothing else you will laugh and rediscover an awesome 80s playlist!
Also The Crown - I resisted this for a long time but thoroughly loved the early series. Both have got me through some dark times.

You are doing fabulously

Agree with both shows. Perfect!

Oh, he has done you a favour for sure. I think you do know it, your subconscious just isn't quite ready to fully acknowledge it yet. I think that's part of the 'death of the dream syndrome'. You'll get there in your own good time.

The reason you hope he keeps to 50/50 is that it would be best for the DC if he's able to parent them in an acceptable manner. I guess that part of it remains to be seen but we live in hope, don't we?

I’ve watched The Crown and loved it!

I do feel as though my subconscious does need to catch up with what I already know in reality. I really hope he can be there for them in the way they deserve.

Bloody love Rivals, it’s an (almost wholly) joyous romp through the 80s which has really kept me going.

The other bennet sister is fantastic if you are looking for something to watch!

Agreed, I really enjoyed it

@mummy917 you must be so excited for tomorrow, what time are you getting the children back?