There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

It's a normal response to loss, OP. Like when somebody goes no contact with a parent for many years, then hears they have passed on and has a total meltdown. It's human nature. Mourning the life that might have been. Mourning the man you married who no longer exists. Go easy on yourself. You don't sound like much of a drinker, but a glass of prosecco might be just what the ward sister ordered this weekend.

Hang in there, OP. You're not missing 'him', you're missing what you hoped he was when in reality he's a giant twat. Hang in there x

It will pass. You are missing the man he might have been. Allow yourself time to grieve. Sob, shout, punch the bed etc, whatever helps. I did and then laughed at myself for looking daft. I cut him out of our wedding photos too.
My 'there we are then' never had the children overnight. They were older and didn't want to stay with him and his seriously batshit crazy partner. It didn't stop him still trying to control what I did.
You are doing really well. I take my hat off to you

At the minute I’m really finding it hard to not see him for what he has shown me and I have no idea why. I’ve started feeling upset again at the thought of him moving on etc and I just feel stuck again. I’m not much of a drinker at all, the odd glass here and there is about it for me. I may treat myself to an iced coffee xx

You’re doing great OP! Hang on in there.

hes awful. You can do miles better and you deserve miles better too!!

he‘s not good enough for you.

You haven't done a u-turn OP, you were still in shock when you filed. All of this has been a huge shock and now you are alone and so your body finally feels like it is safe to process. Your children are safe and not with you and so finally you've stopped running on adrenaline and reality is hitting. Do whatever you need to do. Scream cry, sob, cry in the shower, scream into a pillow. And then have a cool shower and make yourself a lovely drink and order takeaway. It will not always feel like this.

The reality is he does not want to reconcile and even if he did, you could never ever forget the way he has treated you and how he has shown himself to be a man of very little values.

@mummy917

All perfectly normal emotions considering.

You’ve been focused on dealing with the crisis so to speak, and the children, who are also a great distraction too, and it’s catching up with you now your foot isn’t on the gas, so to speak. You’re mourning.

Let yourself feel, cry, all that. It’s ok!

Maybe just go easy on the caffeine at night and self medicating with the alcohol generally. It’s an easy trap that won’t leave you feeling good. Maybe move, go for a walk instead? Play the song by @Sodthesystem and leap around your kitchen?

Either way, do what you feel you need to do. It’s ok to NOT try to fix the emotions. Just have them. It can help to write down how you’re feeling though, get it out of your head.

💐

You have the time and space at the moment for grieving that’s why, it’s not because you’ve moved backwards. I think missing the children is playing more of a part than you might think in terms of the missing him bit!

I actually said to my friend yesterday that I feel as though the adrenaline is now wearing off and everything is hitting me and it’s just absolutely awful.

No, I really don’t know if I could ever get past everything he has said and done over the last few months. I need to keep reminding myself of the time when I was absolutely in the trenches with all of this and he said these exact words to me; “I can’t give you the guarantee that I will feel like I want to be with you forever even if I decide I want to stay together.” That is a conversation that will stay with me forever.

This.

Take away sounds good! Maybe ice cream too… 🤔

@mummy917

This is normal. It's your first extended time away from DC, so you have the time to focus on 'other things', and that includes all the thoughts and memories you've buried.

You may want to look back at your various posts on your threads and focus on the ones where you detail what a shit he is. WARNING: Sometimes this can make things feel worse. If you feel that happening STOP, DON'T WALLOW. Pull yourself up and find something to do for a bit.

Although my situation is very different than yours, I have 38 years of truly good memories I have to deal with from time to time. I've found it best to just let them roll over me and feel what I'm feeling. It doesn't weaken my resolve to stay apart nor does it really make me regret leaving. They're 'feelings to be felt'. They don't really have any more 'power' that we choose to give them.

The way I see it, the 'good times' are just as valid as the 'bad times'. It's just that there comes a time where the bad times outweigh the good. That's where you are right now and why he's gone. No matter who actually said to split, you realized it was best for you to split, too. Honour yourself for that decision.

@mummy917 Sending you lots of Un-Mumsnetty hugs and cuddles. You are grieving and probably will be for a while. Grieving the husband you thought he was, the loss of your plans and hopes for the future, grief on your children's behalf that their lives are going to be different too. Plus grief is not linear. You'll have good days and then days when you feel like you are going backwards.

You have coped brilliantly, both when he told you and for the last few weeks as you kept things together for the sake of your children, but now things are a little more organised, you will have time to care for yourself, you will be suffering from the after effects of an adrenalin rush, which helped you to keep going and it is absolutely normal that you are now feeling the way you do. Cry, or do whatever you feel like doing, while your children aren't with you. It's absolutely fine to do that.

One day at a time just now and you will get through it and come out the other side

So, happy to keep you dangling until he seems to think there’s a better option. What commitment. That does wonders for anxiety!

You're grieving and missing your husband despite the fact he hurt you. Life will get better. I really don't think all the name calling from other posters helps. Slow down a bit. Try going out for a walk when you feel overwhelmed. I'd ignore all the suggestions to drink alcohol when you feel emotional. In my experience it makes things worse especially when you're on your own. Good luck for your future. You're a good woman so you and yours will be fine x

I think it's the first time you've been able to fully stop juggling everything and it is going to start to catch up with you. That's normal. If you need to cry, do it, if you need to stamp your feet and scream then do that too (maybe warn the neighbours so they know you're not being murdered)!

You haven’t done a u turn op, you are grieving and grief unfortunately isn’t linear.
The old saying of “if you are going through Hell, keep going” applies here. You can’t go back, nothing good that way, you can only move forward. Feel what you feel, accept it, and accept it’s going to take as long as it takes. Good days and bad days are all normal but, over time, the bad days will reduce.
If it wasn’t so bloody hot, I’d recommend a kick boxing workout. You can get them free on YouTube and punching and kicking frustration away always helped me. (I may or may not have been imagining my exh face at the time 🤣)
And take heart op, a lot of us have been through it and now have lives better than we could ever imagine at that time. This too shall pass.

It is hard, and you’ve been without your children for a couple of days. You’re grieving the loss of your marriage and family, and the man you thought he was.

Right now this is your whole life, but in time your life will grow bigger around it and it will feel less than it is.

Be kind to yourself and take the time you need.

I have read all of your threads and have been championing you along in my head.

Just wanted to say how bloody awesome and graceful you are 😊

“I can’t give you the guarantee that I will feel like I want to be with you forever even if I decide I want to stay together.”

That's awful.

When my first husband & I were going through a "bad patch" (he was cheating although I didn't know at the time), we were out for a walk & getting on ok.

He said something along the lines of just because we were getting on it didn't mean that everything was going to be OK.

It crushed me.

But also I thought what a bastard & hate you now!

Of course it will. He literally said "You are my back up plan until something better comes along" No one could ever forget that. And its good that you will always remember it because in your wobbles it will help you remember that you have absolutely done the right thing. You are far too good to be anyone's second choice, much less a useless piece of shit like him.

I knew it was you as soon as I saw the title 😂 Sending you continued strength and posivity

Thanks for starting a 4th thread. You have been - and continue to be - absolutely amazing (I've been on MN for several years and never yet seen any poster inspire a song - and such a terrific one at that). As PPs have said upthread, it's natural for you still to feel shocked, devastated and to wish to grieve. Of course the idea of him moving on with someone else is appalling.

You have focussed on making sure that everything works for your DCs and that they have everything they need; for yourself, you've focussed on getting through the day and not losing it with Twattoo despite the many selfish, obnoxious and cruel things that he has said and done. And this came completely out of the blue and when you were on mat leave i.e. when you were still building a family with this guy and had very recently added more children to your family. Emotionally, you are still running several marathons a day. Heartbreak and grief are horrible but allowing yourself to feel these emotions means that you are processing them and that is how - over time - they will lessen until eventually they will fade away completely and he will just become part of your history. You've got this a million times over, OP. Please do go gentle on yourself and let yourself do the grieving and processing that you need to do.

Back in the '80s, my PT/HoD told me that her first PT used to refer to certain children as a 'dear little elf'.

When the PT retired, she admitted that elf = Effing Little F*cker.

It's quite natural to get into a funk, particularly because your children are out of the home and your body is signalling to your brain that it's safe to start processing things - hence you're bound to feel terrible.

An ex gave me the exact spiel of, "I can't guarantee I'm going to want to be with you... blah blah.." I'm sure they read from same the wanker handbook.

This poem by Wendy Cope cropped up today