There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

You’ve not done a u-turn. Rather, you are on a bit of a helter skelter - cum - theme park ride where there will be highs and lows, twists and turns. Sometimes you’ll see what’s coming, sometimes it will catch you out.

All this is entirely normal and frankly, to be expected. It’s part of being a decent human being.

You also need to remember that that this is all very recent and new to you and of course you’re going to have wobbles. You need to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up when you feel this way. This too, shall pass.

It’s worth pointing out, too, that Mattress Man has had longer than you to assimilate all this - we don’t know how long he’d been planning to split but you can bet your bottom dollar he had it all in his head for quite some while before he said it all out loud.

You really are doing incredibly well x

Arrogant, selfish, spiteful pig. I'm hoping karma arrives for him big time. You're doing great. Give yourself a break you've had a number of awful shocks and are reeling whilst juggling the DC and all the other 101 things that have crashed into your life. Keep going, Lovely.

@mummy917 your feelings are completely natural, please be gentle to yourself. You have been through so much over the last few months, your whole life has been turned upside down. Do you have any more counselling sessions planned?

Thank you all again, your words have helped immensely 😊 I took your advice and ordered a takeaway and ate it in bed. I didn’t bother with the iced coffee and had my usual instead (Pepsi max 🤣). My friend did text to ask if I wanted to go to hers for a few glasses of wine but I just don’t fancy it and also am of the mindset that alcohol is just not helpful when I feel like this.

Exactly, I do need to keep going back to when he said that to me and I remember feeling as if I was going to drop to the floor. It was an absolutely horrendous feeling and something in me that day just broke. I think that was the first time during this, where I thought we were probably doomed. It took me a while to also realise that this was obviously something he’d be thinking about for a good while before he told me, because how could he go from being completely committed to a lifelong marriage, to then saying what he said?

I feel as though I’ve been romanticising the marriage and him overall over the last few days, without meaning to and I just don’t know why. But I know it’s all very normal the way I’m feeling, I’m just sad that I’m not where I would like to be yet.

It still feels surreal to me when I actually sit and think about how much my life has been turned upside down over the last 3 and a half months. It doesn’t feel as though it’s actually me it’s happening to.

No @LostpassporthelpI don’t have anymore sessions booked, but I’ve been thinking about it today that maybe I should book another, because clearly I’m not as okay as I thought I was.

I definitely think some more sessions could help. If you click with a counsellor it’s a great outlet and a helpful tool to help you process things. You are probably going to need more than a couple of sessions to feel any long term benefits.

I’m glad you treated yourself to a takeaway. Do you have any plans for tomorrow? ☺️

Thanks for this. Made me chuckle after a vile day

You're grieving. Grieving the relationship you've lost and the one you wanted it to be. That's perfectly normal and healthy - just go with it. It's far better to cry/scream/shout than keep it all in and letting it fester.

I was married many years ago (I’m 44 lol but it was a lifetime ago) and I remember being incredibly unhappy and I kept saying to myself that I’d leave if I was unhappy on xdate or after the holiday if I’m still unhappy I’ll leave and I never did then one day he came home and announced he was leaving (he had another woman of course) and I was so angry, but I was angry with myself because he took the decision away from me. I’d wanted to leave for about 3 years and never did. I still feel so stupid that even 17 years later and a very expensive divorce, I didn’t take control of how I was feeling and being treated.

I’ve dated since, and I have my DD but I’ve never settled down again - I love my freedom too much and the life I’ve created.

I guarantee in a year this will all be behind you and you’ll wonder how you ever found him attractive!

Oh sweetheart, you need to brace yourself. If he hasn't already got another woman, he is shagging around and keeping his options open.

You and he have no idea how many people on mn are silently supporting you and absolutely hating him. X

I’m so so grateful for everyone who is supporting me both on here and in real life, it has helped more than I can put into words 💛

I never thought I’d wish for another woman to come out of the woodwork as much so that he would be banged to rights for cheating and I could hate him, rather than feeling like I miss him.

@PeachBlossom1234although my situation is different, I totally get the feeling of having the decision being taken away from you. I’m so glad you’re really happy and content in the life you’ve built with your daughter 😊

You don’t need to hate him - just be sad for him that he’s so much less a person than you thought he was - not at all someone you would choose a life with.

“Mourning the life that might have been”. Absolutely spot on.

Hatred is an unhelpful and corrosive emotion. If it surfaces for you try to let it go and concentrate on what important to you.

It was during my married to my ExH that the feelings of hatred and fear surfaced every time he admitted to yet another affair or found a way to put me down. When I finally called time on the marriage the two emotions that sustained me were relief and pity. Relief it was over and that I didn’t need to let myself be hurt by him anymore, and pity for him. He always thought he was a big man because he shagged around and kept me in my place. Within a year he was a shadow of his former self, and at my youngest DD’s graduation 7 years later I didn’t even recognise him when he entered the room. He’d aged so much and lost all his bravado.

Agree with initial
feelings of pity and relief, but as the years have gone by I for one have felt increasing levels of contempt for XH, as he has progressively shown what a non-father he is, a non-son, a loser, a user, a waster of all the advantages we started out with when young. Hate is something very negative that grabs hold of you; contempt is a visceral reaction to the evidence before you.

I don’t hate him, probably still the opposite but I selfishly keep thinking that it’d be easier to start to dislike him massively and if he’d cheated on me, then that’d be a definite reason. I know that probably sounds daft but it’s just the way my mind has been working the last few days.

I see my ex at events for the kids and stuff and we have the eldest’s sports day on Monday and he just seems to be miles and miles ahead of me. He doesn’t seem sad or anything.

I feel like I’ve been robbed of any sort of say in the whole thing which makes me almost certain that he’d decided what he was going to do before he even spoke to me about it. I was kept in limbo with my life as I knew it, dangling in front of me until he “made up his mind”. When in reality he knew for that whole 7 weeks probably, even though he hugely denies it.

My exDH left me because “he was unhappy”.

Three months later he was in a relationship with my then best friend.

30 years later, they’re still together as far as I know. I haven’t seen him since 1999.

Of course they had got together while he was still with me.

And my god it stung. He got rewarded for being the bad guy, and she was the third affair he’d had while married to me.

But the best revenge is to live well.

It took me a long time to get over it, but I’m happier now than I think I would have been if I’d stayed with him.

It gets better.

Wonder how many times in those 30 years he’s cheated on her? Or how secure she truly is in their relationship?

I don’t even want revenge, just to get to the place it sounds like you’re at; content and totally indifferent to anything they’re doing or with who.

OP, one thing I do when I’m caught up in feelings that I rationally know aren’t helping is take myself out of the occasion.

Let’s imagine your daughter came to you and told her a man had said these things to her. That a man had treated her the way he has treated you.

What would you be feeling then? What would you say to her if she said she was feeling mixed up?

I bet you’d be able to see it clearly. You’d be angry at his selfishness, and how badly this imaginary man treated your daughter. You’d be doing your best to show her that he’s absolutely no loss and that she deserves better.

So do you.

Viewing it through an objective lens is a really good way to see that you always deserved more and that this is nothing more than a reaction to such big changes, and the turmoil over sharing custody.

He’s not worth your tears, or the brain space. Give yourself the care and respect that you’d give to others 💐💐

Occasionally I wonder if he’s a cheater and she puts up with it, or if she has him on a tight leash, but mostly I enjoy my life. I didn’t meet my second husband until 15 years later, though I had some serious relationships in between.

In the end I realised that I could spend my life furious with him, or just forget him and enjoy my life. Admittedly I didn’t have kids, so I wasn’t tied to him, but life is too short to waste time on regret.

This is in your future. Right now, you’re dealing with the immediate fallout and you don’t have a map or a parachute. It will be fine, it will be better. But not yet and right now your job is to get through this volatile period while dealing with the admin. A bit like when someone dies.

Take it one step at a time. One day at a time. Focus on just this step and maybe the next until you can lift your head and see the way through. It’s like eating an elephant - one bite at a time and eventually you’ve eaten the whole thing.

You can do this.

I don't usually post on these threads, but I've been following your story and can see how far you have already come. It's completely natural that you would grieve for the relationship and the life you thought you had, especially when you were given very little choice in the matter and have been running to catch up with events that he has had time to think through, while you were dealing with everyday life and your children.

Your emotions are similar to those who face the sudden death of a loved one with whom they have had a difficult relationship that has never been resolved and now never will. He has done a lot of talking about his feelings but whenever you have tried to do the same you have been accused of being controlling and silenced, so those feelings are still milling around inside you. One of the things that is often recommended in that situation is to put everything you want to say but have been prevented from doing so face-to-face, into a letter. Not with the intention of sending it, but to give rein to your thoughts and frustrations and emotions. You may find it upsetting but it can help to relieve the feeling of going round in circles. Just write whatever comes into your head and when you feel you have said everything you wanted to, read it back to yourself and acknowledge that your feelings are valid and matter. Then, when you feel you are ready, have a little ceremony where you burn the letter (I'd suggest the garden for this bit) and let go of the negative emotions with it.

I know that, with time, you will come out of the tunnel you find yourself in at the moment and the world will be a much brighter place.

Your doing the right thing by processing these feelings.
Before that awful conversation you were happy and thought you had a certain life ahead. It wasn't you who wanted to change that so of course you are going to pine for that life! And you need to allow these feelings to be present, your not wrong for having them and you won't emotionally move past any of it if you don't allow those feelings the space they deserve.
It's okay to miss the him you had before that day, you won't always miss him but you are allowed to.

You will be better when your children come home.and you can put all your focus on them. Its the first time you've been on your own and you have had time to think, but it will pass. 💐

I used to think of it as I was in a storm. Calm days. Fierce days but learning to accept it and go with it. Baton down the hatches and self care when it was bad and put the sunglasses and bikini on when it was calm and chilled. It will settle.

Hi op I think you are doing amazing 🤗 considering it’s all been about him you loved him that doesn’t just go away even if there is another woman he’s still been a twat to you and he’s not father of the year either. Your wobbles are very much expected and you are not hitting the bottle your kids are your life that’s is very clear. Op unfortunately there not his. The good thing is you are letting him get on with things and if anyone is controlling it’s him. I would suggest therapy if you can because sometimes you want to be letting it out without fuss if you let your friends support you but get the therapy as an additional support. Do not expect any miracles moving on it takes time.