There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

When really hard things happen, we can be so busy coping (as you have done so beautifully) that it doesn't really hit us until things settle down and the immediate crisis has passed. Maybe you've hit that point? It's totally normal for your feelings to go up and down over time.

One thing my own counsellor suggested was having a cry in the morning, like in the shower or something, then that's my moment and then I get on with my day. I don't know if it would work for you. I don't think that works so well for me, but obviously it does for some people.

If you hadn’t been so accommodating, so determined to keep this marriage together, so prepared to overlook him being out at least three nights a week, so tolerant of him lying in bed, so bloody hard working, you’d have been on MN, been told to LTB and been ahead of him. I’m not berating you but addressing your comment and pointing out the positivity which endears you to us and bodes well for your future.

I want to be totally indifferent to anything they’re doing or with who.

He doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother, has pulled away from you, can go for a long time without contact with his children but can act the part when it suits him. That’s three generations OP. What does his future hold? He won’t change. He’s superficial, not a serious option, a hard pass.

Your DH wasn’t up to the tasks of being a husband and a father. In his limited (look at the vocab) and gawkish way he keeps telling you that. Listen to him and see who he really is, then you’ll reappraise your feelings.

OP you are are grieving the life you were promised. We're all here invisibly supporting you. One step at a time my love. You will get through this, you are a warrior and a wonderful mum xx

Keep going you’ll get there xx

This. The letter writing technique can be a very helpful one.

Thank you all, I’m hoping today is a better day.

I will try the letter writing.

Yes that’s exactly what it’s like @DauntlessDamson. Whenever I tried to say how I felt, it was either dismissed, belittled or I was told “no that’s not the reason, you’re being controlling and saying you feel like that is just an excuse.” I could never ever express how I really felt because it was just shut down straightaway.

Time for another Wendy Cope poem

HE TELLS HER

He tells her that the Earth is flat—
He knows the facts, and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win. He stands his ground.

The planet goes on being round.

His messages to you aren’t someone who’s out there living their best life. They come across as angry and bitter. I wouldn’t read into how he acted at the nursery graduation, he strikes me as someone who would put on an act in public regardless.

I imagine one of the reasons you feel like you are regressing is because you’ve probably had more contact with him again over the last few days. The children are with him, so I imagine you have been in contact with each other more. I imagine he’s struggling a bit too having all the kids so he’s probably being nicer as he needs you on side.

That’s exactly what I think @Lostpassporthelp

Divorced for 30 years. I absolutely recommend the letter technique.

My counsellor also said to take a piece of paper and divide it in 2. On one side put pros of him/ your time with him/ why you want him back. One the other put all the cons. Keep it handy as you'll think of things to add for weeks. You may well find that the cons list far outweighs the pros and that the pros are actually very few and have little substance. Keep it somewhere/ do it on your phone/ tablet and refer to it when you feel sad. It really helped me to realise that,much as I missed him ( and it was painful for a long time) I probably missed the man / father I wished he was rather than the man who was actually there.

Good morning @mummy917

May I suggest adjusting that thought of wishing for hope, and switch it round to ‘HOW can today be a better day?’ Instead.

Hope you don’t get any nonsense from There We Are Then.

My guess is you won’t get through the weekend without a message to request you help, provide something otherwise cover his a*e - make sure you’re unavailable 😉 - he’ll figure it out - there we are then 😂

I feel as though what I need this weekend is just time to myself. Instead of trying to fill my days by seeing people/doing things, I just want to “be” for a little while. I’m popping to the shops for some picky bits, having a shower and spending the day in my pyjamas watching tele.

I don’t think I’ll hear from him if I’m honest, I think it’ll be after they come back to me he will say how hard of a time he’s had.

Do not underestimate the emotional damage you would have sustained while traversing a marriage to a difficult man. It the old "boiling frog" syndrome. It happens over years and it's insidious.

I came out of my abusive first marriage feeling like a husk. I was also permanently on high alert due to the years of conditioning.

So don't be hard on yourself. You are in the very first stages of this huge life change. Baby steps. Self care. Sitting with your feelings and emotions and understanding them.

I promise this does get better. You are on the road to self-healing and finding a much much better future, built around your needs and wishes rather than somebody else's.

I think that’s an excellent idea @mummy917 I hope you are able to let go of the tension from the turmoil of emotions. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to feel. And there’s no quick fix - just take each moment at a time and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Poor man, having his own kids for a few days (5 days?) when you've had them all the rest of the time!

Sounds like a plan, sometimes you just have to sit in the moment and let it rest around you.
Bridgerton on Netflix is good for binge watching with snacks I find if you haven’t watched it yet, there’s multiple series.
I wasn’t sure it was going to be something that appealed when a friend recommended it but I managed to binge watch a couple of series in a day when I was feeling crummy 🙈

I think I’m just struggling so much because I have felt so stuck the last few days. A man I have known for years since I was a teenager sent me a message on social media last night and tried to initiate a conversation, however after a few pleasantries about what we’re doing in our lives/careers now, I took a step back. It was totally innocent conversation but I had a feeling he may be leading up to asking for a coffee or something and I just can’t even think about that at the moment. It is the furthest thing from my mind. And then I felt guilt for my ex. This is honestly a rollercoaster.

I watched the first season of Bridgerton and enjoyed it but couldn’t get into the second one when I started it. I’ve been thinking of maybe starting Call The Midwife as I’ve never watched that before but not sure if it’s maybe a bit too emotional of a series to watch at the moment.

Sometimes a TV series that makes you cry is just what you need.
Gets the tears out by 'proxy emotions'.

I’ve been watching early seasons of Grey’s Anatomy on Disney+, never watched it before but recently got into it. Not sure I’ll watch the more recent seasons but currently enjoying getting a Dr Mark Sloan fix 😂. Even things like rewatching Sex And The City episodes can be good escapism. I also rewatched Brothers and Sisters a few years ago and found it easy watching.

I couldn’t watch call the midwife after the birth of our second, not sure why but just used to blub at every episode.
The latest series of bridgerton I think was the best, if you have a general idea of the characters maybe just skip season 2 and go to the next one x

I loved Bridgerton! I think it takes a few to understand the change of focus across the characters.

For something silly, I like Big Bang Theory.

Ugh! Pathetic weak man!

Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock!

Whenever I need some "emotional deep cleaning", I rewatch the second season of Fleabag.