There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

If Gavin and Stacey is a bit too much ATM, try something a bit more kick ass.
Have you watched Dr Foster on iPlayer?
Suranne Jones is brilliant in it. X

Try any alan partridge the only crying will be laughter

Sometimes I think your brain does that as a sort of self-preservation mechanism, it throws a blanket over all the awful stuff temporarily. A bit like when some people have been caught up in a catastrophe or been bereaved, and they go onto autopilot for quite some time afterwards.

I've not commented on your threads before but have been following them. You are doing so well.

Eee…the parasites starting to come out of the woodwork now the very heard a rumour you are single.

Maybe that’s harsh but, no decent man would be trying it on with someone who is so newly separated. That’s what predators do, trying to get you when you are vulnerable.

Avoid him like the plague. Even when you are ready to date again down the line.

Chances are there will be a few more like him.

I mean ok maybe I’m cynical and he’s just trying to be a good friend… … …and the band (and its chorus girls) sing, believe that if you like haha.

No I completely agree and I got the feeling that’s where he was trying to direct the conversation so I just cut it off dead.

I have been watching a few women on TikTok just now who have been through sort of similar (mgnmtchll and a girl named Kimberley) and their strength is inspiring too. I’d definitely helps put things into perspective too.

Did you tell him you’d just split?

Yes, also second this. Schitts Creek got me through losing my daughter. I'm so sad there will be no more of it. RIP Catherine O'Hara.

Have a look at Rachel Starting Over on Insta.She has a similar story to yours and is a few months down the line.

Good on you. Don’t be surprised if he contacts you again. You don’t need to reply though! :)

Bit of a random suggestion but I loved the Queens Gambit on Netflix if you’ve not seen it. Not a comedy exactly but has some humours moments and a fantastic cast. Kept my attention from start to finish. Think it’s only like 8 episodes or something though.

No I didn’t let the conversation get to that point as I could already see where it was headed.

Unfortunately there’s a lot of men out there who see a woman in the early stages of separation or divorce as an ‘opportunity’. Sadly they are often married or in LTRs too. This one won’t be the first. Prepare yourself.

I like The Windsors for a chuckle.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this OP. It's so normal to feel like this at this stage - it's still all very early days. I suspect now that you've had time and space to think (with the DC's being away at their dads) all these feelings are coming up for you to process.

I've been there. It helped me to think of it as a drug withdrawal. As much as they hurt you, it's easy (in the very early days when you're going through "withdrawal") to forget how bad they were for you....and just remember all the good times....and crave them again......but you must remember why you did this in the first place. It might help (if you haven't already) to write down all the reasons you had to end it and refer to it in times of need. And like other posters have said, you're grieving for what could have been, not what actually was the reality. Good luck. We're all rooting for you x

I have been out this afternoon for an hour, just to dunelm and Aldi and it’s helped to clear my head a bit. I do feel slightly better today than I did yesterday and I do keep reminding myself of the things he’s said and done over these past 3 months. I keep thinking to myself “come on, it’s been 3 months, you should be further on than this.” And it’s not until someone else comes along and reminds me that it hasn’t really been long at all. I think it just feels like so long because it’s a hell of a long time to spend feeling the way I do.

3 months is nothing. Some people are still unable to function. You are doing so well.

@mummy917

“come on, it’s been 3 months, you should be further on than this"

May I help you rephrase this?

“Hey it’s been 3 months, look how far you've come!"

Look forward, don't look back. The woman you were then, 'destroyed' because he wanted to leave is NOT the woman you are now, glad that he's gone (with a few wobbles now and then).

I’d also say it’s not 3 months since he left and you’ve been dealing with the reality of that and ‘shared’ custody. You’ve had a difficult 3 months and are now at the beginning of the actual separation bit which is extremely recent. I bet you’ve not had this much thinking space in years either. Be kind to yourself!

Thank you ladies, you’re once again absolutely right! I honestly thought at one point during all of this, that I’d never be able to function properly again. I worried I’d rushed into going back to work at the end of this month, but I honestly think I need to just do it. For my own sanity and the alternative is just filling my days and trying to keep myself from ruminating. I’ll be much better off putting in the last bit of what will be my everyday routine and building my life up again.

That is so so true! He only left 3 weeks ago but I just always count back from the day he dropped the bombshell on me.

Someone once told me it takes a month for each year together and a week for each month past that, to get over it. And it also takes two years to begin to feel normal after a close bereavement. I don’t know how true it is, but at three months you’re still reeling.

A year ago you were in a marriage expecting it to last and now you’re not. The brain takes a while to catch up xx

100%! Hopefully I’ve only got another 10 months of feeling this way before I come out of the other side then as we were together 13 years altogether.

I do think that sometimes I put too much pressure on myself but that’s the way I’ve always been.

I'm the same - I pile so much pressure on myself. It's the human condition I guess.
FWIW I was with my ex for 13 yrs also and I veered from being so relieved and glad to be free of his control over me.....to missing him dreadfully. I cried every day in the beginning, then every other day, then twice a week, then every week, then every month until I realised I hadn't cried about it for a few months or thought of him at all! It took at least a year to 18 months to get to this point. You're just at the start of a grieving process as reality is hitting now, but please go easy on yourself. Your feelings are all very normal. Baby steps. Be kind to yourself

Thank you and I’m sorry you went through a similar experience, although I’m happy you got away from a controlling man and are now enjoying your much more peaceful life 😊

I have felt much stronger in myself over the last 6 weeks or so and up until Wednesday I hadn’t cried for weeks. But I do think it is because the dust is settling now, adrenaline isn’t flowing like it has been and the reality is really setting in now.

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I received was “in 12 months time you will feel completely different to how you feel today”. I wasn’t convinced, but it turned out to be very true!

Thank you. My life has changed beyond recognition. I dread to think how I would be if I had stayed with him. Probably not here in all honesty.....
I feel a bit ill when I think of him now....

Yes, absolutely, you've been runing on adrenaline to get you to this point - you've had SO much to deal with and organise and have been nothing short of amazing, so it's understandable that now you have time to actually think and process, all these feelings of grief are coming up. It's entirely normal. Allow yourself to greive and cry and don't judge yourself one bit.
It will take time...x