Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

As to the colleagues thing....I dunno. I think most of his female colleagues are grandmothers, so perhaps their children are having issues?

Or maybe his male coworkers have been having issues?

He works very long hours, so his main socialization is with his work colleagues. He doesn't really have any in-person friends outside of work. So...maybe online friends.

I do feel like....something specific had to have happened. Because while I could easily see him evolving into a space of, "You know what? I do want kids after all".....the specifics of his goal and his sort of mindset for it, a lot of nostalgia for his family growing up...that to me, feels like it must be coming from somewhere.

To give you a real life perspective, I had great test results too and it only took me 3 months to convince naturally at 42.

But I had 2 miscarriages before that, was referred to the miscarriage clinic and used progesterone as soon as I got a positive test to support the pregnancy. I had also spent about a year taking vitamins (it starts with the egg protocol), cleaning up my diet, tracking my cycle etc.

So while I had a healthy, natural pregnancy at 42, there was a lot going on behind the scenes beforehand. It's absolutely possible that you will have a healthy pregnancy but it might need a more proactive approach. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Older mum here. Well if you believe in God then believe God created the mechanism. You can track your ovulation with very simple indicators which you can buy in the pharmacy. Then you have a day or two, and sperm has to get to the egg in that time for the best chance of conceiving.
From what you have said, and I can totally believe it, it's a great shame that these conversations were not had earlier. Some religious culture does not support, well, women's knowledge and autonomy basically. And that's kind of neglectful. But do.listen to medical advice. if you still want it there's still time. Have no shame about driving the practicalities with the right person for you and the potential children. That which created the children created your drive.

Edit..And also..yes maybe it would be adviseable for him to be tested. Perhaps he has been? But I do feel a lot of research focussed on women.

Does anybody feel that the boyfriend has been stringing OP along? I get major bullshitter vibes from all OP's updates (about the boyfriend, not OP)

He sounds like a fantasist, feeding her all the blarney about coming home to kids, etc. I think whatever she'd said/done, it wouldn't be good enough.

I suspect if they'd have conceived, he'd have found a reason to leave—he prob wouldn't be able to cope and would have found a reason to blame OP and leave.

If a doctor had implanted 3 babies and she'd birthed triplets, he still wouldn't be happy and would have suddenly decided he needed 6 kids or whatever...

If you’ve been having regular, unprotected sex for a year and there’s been no pregnancy then there is a likely a problem. It may be with him, it may be that the eggs you have - even if the number is good - aren’t that great.

It seems silly to me to tell him how fertile the tests suggest you are, when the real life test of your (as a couple) fertility shows things aren’t great.

It is possible. I know of a few men who have dated exclusively 40+ yo women thinking "oh she won't want to have kids really" and then marrying a 25 yo when they are serious about settling down. So shitty

So he was stringing you along whilst waiting for other opportunities and preparing his exit route all along..? Doesn’t it sound like it?

It’s not just about a 48 year old having twins though. It’s about those twins growing up with elderly parents.

If you do feel you want children then it’s not just about your body being able to conceive and birth them.

Those twins will have parents pushing 70 by the time they finish school. The average age for first time marriage in the UK is 31, meaning that those twins will quite likely not have parents around to see them get married. If they have children, those children probably won’t get to meet their grandparents.

Will someone in their 50s still in the throes of broken sleep and nappies for 2 children have the time and energy for active toddler twins? My DH was born to parents of about that age (his mum was 47 and his dad 53, and they were quite old for their age types - passive, sedentary, quiet etc) and when we met in our 20s he couldn’t swim and was only just in the process of learning to ride a bike. He’d never been ice skating, or bowling, he’d not had many friends growing up as his parents didn’t want that kind of noise in the house and didn’t have the energy to take him to places or other people’s houses and they lived rurally so he couldn’t just make his own way. In a lot of ways it was like someone who’d been raised in a cult, and it’s been quite fascinating, and sad, watching him figure out the skills lots of us learn from our parents as children.

OP I think you should tell him. In conclusion you’ve dated later in life and so at some point he was accepting of that. Yes he may have had some soul searching that now says 3 kids is the ideal, but also it sounds like you’ve been in self protection mode and talking him into a self fulfilling prophecy with views on your fertility. And I get it - for multiple reasons I won’t share (too outing vs being uncomfortable to) right from being about 16 years old, I would worry I couldn’t have children. I took it into every relationship.

My partner and I then had the same cliff edge type conversation because one day I woke up and wanted a baby after previously being all “if it happens, it happens” and playing it cool just in case I couldn’t - we were thankfully on the same page to try. I’m 39, got pregnant after 3 months of tracking cycles and doing it only once in the conception month (had a ‘sod it we’re busy and too tired for sex’ few weeks so had ironically written the month off). Healthy baby now in my arms. Curse myself out at being so bloody cautious and causing myself mental pain for years over nothing.

We can thank society for a lot of this in telling us we shouldn’t get pregnant and then suddenly worrying us we’ll be barren if we even look at a baby past a certain age. Tell him the results, and if you go for it then no faffing around. Track your cycle (in conception month I used Clearblue) and take a multivitamin supplement like Wild Nutrition. One more story: my aunty had 3 children naturally at 44, 46 and 49. My midwife was seeing a 50-something who was pregnant. I sat in waiting rooms throughout my pregnancy with women same age and older having appointments for their own pregnancies. Yes, some will struggle without intervention but believe me the numbers are still there in those having children in late 30s and beyond so don’t now place another mental barrier for yourself. Good luck and let us know how you get on x

So I have seen several comments mention this or some variance of this.

Us not getting pregnant after unprotected sex for a year. For one...we didn't start having sex immediately. And it wasn't unprotected in the beginning. That said, as I mentioned...we don't live together. I travel for work quite a bit, he works long hours. A lot of our dates and weekends and time together did fall either during my period, just before, or just after. Not always, but that just seems to be how it sort of worked out. So, it certainly could have been a timing thing.

Also...he has some health issues himself, and is on SSRIs. Plus his age. So, I wouldn't at all be surprised if his fertility has been affected by that. Now, he did tell me he had been tested about 7 or 8 years ago and was VERY fertile at that time. So, I am sure he would think any trouble we have would be me.

I don't know if he's been tested since we last spoke or not; but I did bring it up to him, so surely he would have wanted to find out for sure.

It seems you have overcome what was a personal worry for you (getting pregnant when 'older'). For what it's worth I think you were sensible in being cautiously optimistic, many women do have more trouble conceiving and delivering over 40 but it's by no means the norm to always have trouble, just more common.

You also seem to ruminate over your past relationship and the reason it ended. It's quite common, I'm sorry you feel a lot of regret. It might be a difficult thing to tell him your fertility information as it's no guarantee he will want to give things another go. And it's also deeply personal information so it might make you feel quite vulnerable sharing it. However, some might say that it's worth a try. If you think it's worth a risk, you could do it. Because you might always have that 'what if' otherwise.

Had he said “Can we try for one child?” that would have been realistic.

Saying “I want three children” to someone in their 40s shows little regard for reality.

Seriously, this is not on you OP. You feel it’s your fault but it really isn’t!

I married my first husband at 25. He was the same age. We had 2 children at 27 and 28. At 30 he left us for a 17 year old who wasn't interested in children because he'd realised that children day after day,year after year was actually really hard work and he didn't want it anymore. When the girlfriend got to 29 she wanted children. He was in his forties and our children were 14 and 15. They had a baby through IVF ( vasectomy after our second child ). I think he wanted to make the mistakes he'd made with the first 2 'right' with a new baby. He left her too and ,by the time he ended his life, he was divorced again and completely estranged from all 3 children. If your former partner has some rose tinted view of family life ( especially as you will both be well into your forties by the time it happens even once) then you should be very careful. You don't sound desperate to have a child ( and realistically all of the pregnancy and birth and most of the day to day stuff will fall to you so you really need to want that ) and he sounds as if he wants to recreate what he had in his childhood memories ( his mum may well have very different memories of the sheer hard work of that time that he has no idea of). Its probably good that you've parted.

I think he's realised having dc is far more important than he thought it was to him, and it seems clear you're more on the fence about it, which is fine. I just think you aren't compatible.

I don't think the fertility test changes that. The brutal truth is that he wants dc more than he loves you. I imagine that's hurtful, but it's not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you.

Would you honestly want a relationship with him now, knowing that?

Just seen your update and I would be more cautious about wanting to have children with someone before you live together. It's a recipe for disaster, you might have dodged a bullet OP.

Eurgh. He was “VERY fertile”? No test tells you that. He sounds like an insufferable egotist.
A man who starts dating a 41 year old, strings her along and then tells her he wants 3 kids is a cruel and selfish bastard.

Just move on and forget about him. Not because of any logistics around kids but because he is not worthy of one second more of your thoughts or emotional energy.

I'm guessing by the fact OP keeps mentioning that his age is a concern means he may we be way more into his 40s or even 50s, and yet now wants a 'younger' woman to bear him these three children 😂 what a lucky lady she'll be.

He sounds like a future faking love bomber to me. Well rid

Sounds like he realised over time he wants children more than he thought. You on the other hand sound ambivalent about children. At 42 you are unlikely to be having 3 bio children and if that’s a deal breaker for him then you aren’t compatible.

Just a point on saying “the old fashioned way”, the correct way to describe it is normal biological way.

42 is getting on a bit. Clearly wasn’t your thing.

When I hear the words "I don't not want children", I think that person has never known a strong desire for children. If you haven't got that at 42, when most women are in the last chance saloon, then you never will have. He clearly has assumed you are not really into the idea at all.
I think he needs to know you are actively keen on kids and ready to go for it immediately. Sending over your fertility numbers doesn't indicate that mindset change.
If you're not that keen, then just don't bother.

I’d be willing to bet that she will be from a different country and open to a transactional arrangement.

You work away frequently, he works long hours. You've never lived together. You're both over 40. He's on anti depressants . He sort of might want a family ' in the future'. You have never had any great desire for children and have never actively tried to conceive. Its not the ideal recipe really is it ?

I've always wanted kids, and I told him as much. I always wanted to be a wife and a Mom. That was my dream growing up.

When I was in my late 20s, early 30s.....I was desperate for kids. I would have dreams about being pregnant. I wanted it SO very much.

I had a pretty big breakup when I was 38, and at that point, I sort of came to the (possibly wrong) conclusion that.....it just wasn't going to happen for me. And I grieved hard. For months. Grieving my lifelong dream was...on another level.

So trust me....I have known a strong desire for children.

I don't see the point in you telling your ex you can gave children. There's a difference between the ability to have children and actually wanting them.
Your post suggests your were not all enthusiastic to have children and could take it or leave it.

Leave your ex to seek a relationship where his partner will feel as equally as enthusiastic to want children as he does.

In the meantime, decide what you really want and don't merely react as a way to potentially get your ex back. Eseentially, that would be the only reason you want to tell him your fertility status.

Move on. If you meet a guy whose life goals align with yours e.g. having kids isn't the be all and and all, then you will be happier. Stop hanging on to the past and concentrate on now and your future.