Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

To be honest OP, I think this guy has done you a massive favour. Its all very well to want three kids, but being unwilling to compromise is pretty outrageous when you are not the one who will carry and birth those children, put your health at risk, feed those babies from your body, go through the physical and hormonal toll of postpartum, potentially deal with ppa or ppd, take a hit to your career, and in all likelyhood be the primary care giver. It sounds like he wants a handmaid's tale style baby machine, not a life partner. We all have preferences for how many children we want, or whether we want them at all but that has to change a flex given the circumstances of our lives. If you did get pregnant naturally then great, but it sounds like this guy would not be satisfied if he didnt have his dream of three and if you (or another woman) couldnt do that for any reason then he would blame and resent you. Fertility aside what about birth trauma, PPD, financial concerns or just the realities of being parents. Its quite bizzare that he chose to date a woman in her 40s when he wants 3 kids and is opposed to fertility treatment! My advise, of you really want kids, is to look at your options to go it alone. He sounds immature.

This. ☝🏻
He may have been future faking, or he might have had his head turned recently.
But he's out.

no, the risk of trauma and severe behavioural and learning difficulties is exactly why.

Obviously I appreciate that every baby is a genetic lottery but walking into an incredibly challenging situation wasn’t for me, I have the utmost respect for those who do.

@Sodthesystem Having your own child doesn’t require you to pass various interviews and assessments which happens if you want to adopt. You cannot just turn up and get a child. Decent people do get turned down.

My friend adopted . While I agree that it should be a rigorous process, not everyone wants social services crawling all over their lives, asking extremely personal questions . In my friend's case, social workers even spoke to her husband's ex wife. I get why, but it's a lot. And that's before you get into the fact that there are reasons why children aren't with their birth families and those reasons can result in children having trauma and huge difficulties in life that no t everyone wants or has the capability to handle!

It's not selfish to want one's own biological children - it's the most natural thing, to want to reproduce.

And why should they? Automatically aiming to have biological children is the most basic human nature. Amazing that some people choose adoption, but it’s not a bad thing to want biological children. What a weird post.

I have nothing against a desire for biological children....I myself would prefer a biological child.

I think what gets weird is when they talk about "continuing the bloodline" and "carrying on the family name." Like...sir, your name is Smith. Your name is fine. I suppose I could understand if there is an ethnic reason for it...but still....to talk about it like it is some high honor or duty to sire the issue is just.....odd to me.

Its not the 1960s with a huge pool of perfect babies born to unmarried mothers removed because it seems a good idea.

The vast majority of children available are the children of addicts or have been abused. A huge percentage of adoptions break down.

46% of family with adopted children 13-25 say they have been at crisis point.

Adoption isn't right for everyone. And it's not always a fairytale ending.

Sorry, you misunderstand me. They said the odds per cycle with IVF in mid forties is basically the same as the odds as naturally, so if no issues (and they had a child before) not much point having IVF in essence. Which was surprising, I thought they’d be pushing the expensive treatments to be honest, to make more money

I’m so pleased it’s all worked out x

Success rates for IVF clinics are hugely important to them. They don't want to push older couples to come (particularly if using their own eggs) as although they will receive money initially they will damage their success rate, which is overall bad for business.

the man dumped you for a younger version who could complete his perfect version of a family.

that man doesn’t love you. He loves the fantasy of a life he was insisting upon.

A man who loved you would say, this is what I hope for, but the end of it being together is the importang factor and we’ll weather the rest together.

he literally said, you know what- just incase your womb is barren, I’m out.

fuck that man.

@ThatCuteGirl

have you decided yet if you are going to tell him?

I haven't. We spoke a little bit yesterday. But, I didn't mention anything.

ThatCuteGirl

Can I ask what you talked about, I mean was it like a romantic check in or just a how are you? Who initiated it? Just curious because it sounds like after three weeks either you are still thinking about him, or he is thinking about you or whatever.

A bit of both.

We had texted previously on Friday, which I had initiated. He initiated yesterday/replied to something I asked on Friday.

Nothing romantic. Just friendly talk, mainly.

I don't think thats right. I was TTC for 4 years got pregnant 2nd time with IVF at 40.

I think you should meet for coffee and talk. One way or other you can't live in this limbo forever.

I thought that they had split up?

How is that living in limbo?

she was 44 but they said just under 5% per cycle either with IVF or natural. But she had had a child before naturally at over 40 so maybe that coloured it. But cumulatively, that’s a roughly 40-50% chance within a year

There is no limbo, he left her because he wants a younger woman who can give her 2-3 biological kids.

Op is clinging to hope, so she needs to speak with him.
Before she decides if she wants to go it alone with donor sperm or accept children aren't on the cards.
Time is not on her side

Clinging to hope isn’t the same as living in limbo though, she still can’t give him what she wants so she needs to focus on herself and what she wants away from him rather than doing a pointless ‘pick me’ dance that may result in her missing her chance all together. She can do better than a guy that would rather be with an imaginary younger woman than her

Not clinging to hope at all.

If I had hope, I wouldn't be crying every day. I would believe it was going to work itself out.

It wouldn't be fair to bring kids into a world with me as a single mom.

I know it stings now but in many ways he’s done you a favour. What if you’d only managed one child and he’d thrown a strop when you decided one was enough because of the strain on your body. We don’t know how we’ll feel till after the fact sometimes. And if you have a flakey partner who casts us off for a younger…brood mare, we get stuck being single parents and potentially really struggling.

And he’s arguably already shown he wouldn’t have done his share of the actual load of parenting. Can you imagine, “can you do the washing today I don’t have time?” And the big wet blanket (him, not an actual blanket) starts crying about some made up scenario in his head - and you end up consoling him AND doing the washing! Because he’s already determined that feigning an emotional breakdown gets you to stop asking him for what you need him to do.

I don’t know what he was like as a partner before all this. But he’s certainly not someone I’d trust remotely enough to have kids with.