Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

Bit odd to split up over a potential lack of fertility without even trying? Sounds like bigger communication problems at play. I know two couples in their 40s who started TTC very early in the relationship, both had two kids naturally.

If you definitely want kids with him (two separate questions) tell him with an attitude of “let’s get straight at it like bunnies” and see what he says.

Well this all sucks
Would I tell him? Yes
Do I think it's fair that he has decided that kids are a priority over a happy relationship? Yes. I would tell a woman of a certain age to leave if her partner was being non committal about it like you both were. But have more conversation first.

However I would also seriously think about whether I could handle having a baby where I was possibly going to be a single parent, and whether I wanted to commit to that. Also, how you would cope if you tried unsuccessfully for 3 years, and it didn't happen, and you got left.

Realistically, the likelihood is you are not having 3 kids. At 42, 2 would be a push. That needs to be part of the conversation, and you need to discuss what happens if you're one and done, and the possibility he would leave you for a bigger family.

Are you going to investigate trying for DC on your own?
I would and I’d tell him you’ve had your fertility checked and will be using a sperm donor.

However, looking at the length of your relationship, I feel he’s probably subconsciously got to the end of relationship stage and is using the fertility as an excuse.

Do you even want three kids? I mean, I have three but that wasn't planned out while we had none. We had one, decided if we had extra capacity, had another, recalibrated and then three years later, decided we were ready to have another.

But, you know, it's not like three arrive on the doorstep. That's three pregnancies, three first years of no sleep, three sets of toddler years. I mean, it's a huge adventure, but to even stand a chance -even with peak fertility - you'd have to do this back to back with no opportunity to take a breath and decide if this is for this best, if you really have the energy and desire to do this again at an age when, honestly, I just wouldn't countenance it now.

Your sister is a labour and delivery nurse, which means she sees the women who make it to delivery in their 40s.

She doesn't see the thousands more that don't.

I'm now pregnant through IVF after multiple losses in my early 30s, TTC for 3 years. With the hell I've been through I will be so greatful for one healthy child. I don't think I have got time for 3 now, even though that was my intention. Ten years down the line I would be certain 3 was impossible. You may be lucky and conceive straight away, but if you have problems like me (none of which are related to a lack of eggs or age) then the road becomes long and difficult.

I think the prevelance of older mothers (in media especially) leads people to have over optimistic views of fertility and treatments. You only see the women who get the babies, not the long road to get there, and those who never made it.

Don’t tell him, and move on

That relationship wasn’t meant to be

There will be many men around your age who are happy not to have dc/more dc so a relationship with one of them would be a better fit

Well my answer to the second part is two-pronged. One was....I really thought that I probably couldn't have kids.....unless a miracle happened. And I knew miracles did happen. And I would hope like crazy for a miracle.

That said, had we become engaged and certainly married, and we were realistically looking at a family, yes, I absolutely would have started to track my cycle to push for the miracle.

But, our conversations about starting a family, with the exception of the last month or so....have always been in an "in the future" kind of way.

Side note: about 3 weeks before he ended it, we were on vacation, by the pool. He was talking about coming home to his kids. He told me, "You know those are going to be your kids too, right?" So, I mean...it was definitely being talked about. Just not in a "we should get to work on that right now." way.

They had only been together a year. Should women rush into having children with men they barely know just because of their age?

I hate to say this but any man who says he would achieve his family goals better with a younger woman can only be a man who has already met that younger woman.
Sorry.

Don’t tell him. You’d only been together a year (odd to leave this out of the OP), weren’t living together or actively TTC. If he wanted 3 DC then really he shouldn’t start dating women in their 40s let alone let it get serious, but I guess feelings ran away with you both and he didn’t really know what he wanted for sure until it was too late. But now he does know, it’s definitely incompatible with your situation no matter what your test results are, so let him go and keep leaving it up to god if that’s your position, although that seems rather at odds with you being okay with surrogacy (sounds like you’re in the US where it happens more but it’s not so acceptable for most people here, renting a womb, so I’m with your ex on that).

I’d move on from the relationship and revert to your former resolve, and not have unprotected sex with the next guy(s) unless you’re both std tested and further along with commitments than the ex. You never know if you’re really ‘on the same page’ for these things as feelings change a lot depending on how real it gets.

Yes. If they want children at 42 there is no time to waste!

That’s why I think it’s really too old to be embarking on such a journey

He's finished with you, he's hung it on fertility or you have but you are clutching at straws and need to move on. Also no one's told you all that at 42 I'm guessing this break up has been harder on you than you are admitting to yourself.

When did you break up OP? If it's still recent, I think it may be worth having a conversation with him and being honest about your feelings. Have you told him that you do really want a baby with him and explained why it may have come across that you weren't as enthusiastic as you actually are?

However, if you do have that chat, I would focus on your feelings rather than your test results, which as others have said can be misleading. A great AMH result is a good start but unfortunately doesn't necessarily translate to a successful pregnancy.

I say this as someone of a similar age, if you’re 42 and want kids then whatever the numbers say you would have needed to get on with it with enthusiasm! You can’t afford to wait to try properly. It sounds like having one child should be possible if you try soon. But having further children is still fairly slim chances without egg donor I would imagine. Again, unless you were full steam ahead with baby one and planning baby two shortly afterwards.

Sadly the biology doesn’t care at all. So it’s not a matter of ‘should’ it’s a matter of biology. You can’t wait if you’re 42.

Your first post made it sound like you had been together for decades and that his attitude had gradually changed.
But the relationship has gone from hi, nice to meet you, to I think I could have a future with you, to kids would be nice if they happened to I definitely want 3 kids to, ultimately splitting up because you may be too old or struggle to have kids - in less than 12 months.
Either he has been less than honest or you haven't heard what he has actually been saying, only what you wanted to hear. Whichever way it was you definitely were not on the same page regarding the future and children.
Ultimately, to answer your question, no I don't think you should tell him the numbers. At the end of the day, as you put it yourself, he didn't choose you. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and will stand with you whatever the future holds.

He chose kids, not you, so I’d leave it.

Have you tried to conceive in the past with someone else? If not why would you immediately jump to not being able to have kids?
All your talk about miracles is very odd.

Yes, should is the right word. Because nobody should be rushing having kids with anyone for any reason, and if you're too old to wait then you need to accept you may not have a child, you should not rush TTC with a new partner!

She sounds American from her language, casual reference to god and miracles is more normalised there

Op. Don’t tell him this wasn’t a long term relationship, the kids thing seems a red herring, as is your results, at 42 there is pretty much no chance you’d have 3 kids, and unless you started tcc immediately a high chance of not even one.

hed have known that due to your age, this was never going to work,

i don’t think you should tell him about your fertility testing. Numbers don’t necessarily mean much. I was 35, my numbers were excellent, so were my husbands and after two years of naturally trying and timing intercourses and unexplained infertility we ended up having ivf. Two failed cycles before finally having kids at 39. That’s all with excellent numbers.

I wouldn’t share the results with your ex, he sounds like he is quite set on what he wants and I’m not sure he truly loved you to tell you because he wants at least 2 children he’s going to look for someone younger.
As others have mentioned you may have lots of eggs left but no one knows the quality of them.
Close relatives started TTC at 40, fell pregnant at 41 and the pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at 15 weeks. They tried again and now have a beautiful little boy but they won’t be having any more because of their first loss, they feel lucky to have him and don’t want to ‘push their luck’.
Good luck to your ex on finding a younger woman who will want to have his 3 children, paternal age is now thought to more of a factor then previously realised in children being born with some conditions. He may struggle to find someone himself.

That doesn’t sound like her reason though- her reasons for her lack of enthusiasm were caution and concern that it might not work out.

Sorry, to me you both sound like people from another time or place. To suddenly decide you want several kids when you are both over 40, after only knowing each other for a year and not having made the commitment to live together yet, seems utterly bonkers to me. The doctor sounds like she's also from another time and place. No one can say definitely that you are likely to have a child, especially without knowing if your partner may have issues too / instead.

As an older couple it feels like neither of you have been realistic about this. Plus fostering or adoption are the more ethical and more likely achievable routes to parenthood (though not to be undertaken lightly, of course), not surrogacy.