Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

I also assumed from your OP that you were about 35. From your ex’s perspective - he got into a relationship with a 41 year old, realised his desire to have a family wasn’t going to happen with her, chose to end it. All seems pretty reasonable tbh. There are no guarantees he will meet someone else let alone have a family with them yes that’s true but there is one guarantee and that’s that you aren’t having 3 kids with a 42 year old. I can see why he’s decided to roll the dice. The thing with having kids is you can’t just say it’s gods plan - you need to actively try to get pregnant at an age at which pregnancy is likely. You didn’t and that’s totally fine but you would be much better suited to a man who doesn’t want children or who already has them.

I would if I were 42 and didn’t have kids, I’d plan how to go it alone if the relationship didn’t work out but I’d go for it re having babies, because I’ve always wanted babies. I’m 43 and I have 3 dc and it’s black and white to me that if I didn’t have any I’d take my chances to have a baby . (To have a baby naturally, I wouldn’t be looking at surrogacy)

It's been almost 3 weeks.

I did tell him I wanted a family/baby with him and I was all-in on whatever that meant (as far as donors, IVF, surrogacy, whatever it meant) That was the point that he told me about the 2-3 kids thing. What that stems from is....3 kids is sort of his family's tradition. His parents were each 1 of 3. And all of the aunts and uncles had 3 kids. He talked about wanting to give his Mom a grandchild (which I totally get that) but then also about the family name and bloodline, which I found kind of strange.

Of course, that was all before I had the tests done, and got the results. So, when I had that conversation, I did lean it more of the case of....alternative ways to have kids, instead of just the....homegrown natural way to have kids.

I did have a transvaginal ultrasound about a year ago, along with tissue samples. Per the Dr....obviously it's been a year, so no guarantee. But everything showed up as normal in the ultrasound. So, I think it was the combination of the numbers and the ultrasound, which is why she was so optimistic.

I have read all the comments, and I started out replying to all of them, but I think I am falling behind, so just to address some things I have seen: as of the breakup, he had not been tested. I asked him, not in a mean way, but....what if HE has troubles? Then...the whole "natural" thing may not be possible in the end anyway. He may have to be open to other options.

Is it possible he met someone else? This is something I have wracked my brain about as well. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe so. That said, I have had boyfriends in the past, or maybe just one, I would say the same about, and he in fact had met someone.

It doesn't matter what he said, he just wasn't that into you. Sorry to be blunt but whatever you say to him about your fertility now won't make a difference.

Why do you want to tell him anyway. Do you want him to change his mind and resume the relationship?

At age 42, it matters less about your egg reserve and more about the quality. This can't be tested unless you have ivf.

If you really want children, then look into sperm donor asap. The chances of you meeting someone else and then starting a family are not in your time frame. It's all well and good being 'god willing' but you need to take matters into your hands depending on what you really want.

I think a year into a relationship is often a cross roads of whether you both want the same things. It does not sound like you were saying yes I want kids which is possibly why he has walked. If I was you I think it really important to consider if you really do not to just consider this for him. I find it interesting that neither of you brought up getting tested. Yes I would reach out and tell him but I would not pin your hopes on him changing his mind as there may be more to his decision.

Don’t tell him.
Regardless of the dr telling you that you are some sort of medical miracle, with lab-figures of a much younger woman, there’s no guarantee and he’s already checked out.
If you tell him this with the hopes of winning him back, there will just be heartbreak. Sorry op.

@ThatCuteGirl you were with him a year and he was pestering for kids, I'm sort of glad you didn't have one tbh. I think relationships need more time. The contrary matter is your age - I assume he's around the same age - ie you can't really hang around can you?

I would tell him you can have kids but only if you want him back otherwise let sleeping dogs lie. The fact you had unprotected sex and didn't get pregnant suggests he might have a fertility issue. The same happened to a relative of mine. Was with her partner for 10years, she had PCOS. He blamed her for not getting pregnant when in fact when they went through fertility assessments, he had a very low sperm count. They split up. She met someone else and now has a beautiful baby boy.

I hope you meet the right person soon xxx

I'm baffled why you want to be with a man who only wants you as a baby factory.

My cousin had her first (and only) baby at 43. Her little one is now 7. And is an only child and will remain so.

Taking everything else out of it, it’s HARD for her. I certainly wouldn’t want to have a 12 year old at my age.

You need to think about future planning op if you want to have a child in your mid-40s.

I’m sorry OP, but after 40 if a woman wants children (or a child) that needs to be the priority. It’s not fair and it’s uncomfortable to think about, but it’s just biology. There’s no test that can tell you if you can have a child, the only way to know is to try properly. I’d say the unprotected sex for a year without getting pregnant isn’t a great sign - yes, I see you weren’t tracking etc but still - just at random you would have had multiple opportunities to get pregnant and you didn’t.

I have several friends who had a child after 40 but it was rarely simple. And I think I only gave one friend who had two kids after 40 - at 40 and 42. Her husband is a bit older. And to be honest they’re struggling now. Parenting teenagers in your 50s+ isn’t easy either.

If you want a child for your own reasons you need to do something about it now. Leave your ex aside, you can’t give him what he wants. But if you really want this you have no time to waste.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing.

I don't get why would you contact him about the fertility test results? He's made it clear he wants several children, and at 42 that's unlikely to happen with you.

Your doctor said if she saw these numbers "in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers." So I take it that you have numbers that would be good for say a 38-year-old... I don't want to sound harsh but that still isn't that great if you're aiming for 3 kids. And would your numbers still be great in a few years time when trying for a third in your late 40s?

Let it go and move on. You are not compatible if he really has a strong desire for 3 kids. No good can come if contacting him about the fertility test results. It would just be a bit weird and look like you were trying to do it out of spite.

He's finished with her chasing after him waving some questionable doctors report and begging isn't the best look!

You broke up 3 weeks ago but did have a transvaginal ultrasound about a year ago.

You were however been together for almost a year.

Why didn't you tell him a year ago about your results.

A fertility test in early 40s a year ago does not mean your fertility will be the same now due to rapid decline. It's only ever as good as the day it's done so in itself doesn't mean much.

There are so many factors here, your age, his age, not actively tracking your fertility, quality of eggs unknown. You would be blessed to even have one child and that's if you had a donor sperm baby asap.

I think almost certainly the relation-ship has sailed - have the conversation if it would eliminate the ‘what ifs’ in your mind, but I think he’s done. The reasons people tell you for their actions aren’t always the full story. I think particularly the fact that he has unexpectedly come up with an exact scenario that makes it unlikely you are compatible, as he leaves, may mean that it’s not his full picture.

I agree also that ‘my numbers are great’ is a long way from 3 successful pregnancies starting at 42.

As for leaving it up to God - that’s not my worldview. But even if it were, I’m reminded of the story about a man waiting on a roof to be rescued by God, who is sent a boat, a helicopter etc and rejects them all because they’re not God. If your God sends you a man who wants children with you at 42, if you want a kid, don’t hang about, take some action. I will say that I was pregnant with ds 4 weeks after meeting my late husband. Was this a good idea, really? Probably not. But I loved him and we had a child together and I don’t regret a thing.

I don’t get the surrogacy idea, it seems terrible and unacceptable to me but obviously again in your worldview things are different.

Hmm, I didn't see this post before I wrote mine. The conversation around the pool puts a different spin on things IMO. A man who can say that to you and then dump you three weeks later is not a kind person. He's not someone who wants kids and has realised it might be harder than he thinks, he's someone who says things he doesn't really mean to string you along.

This is all so strange, you were continuously talking about having kids and a family, but at 42 didn’t bother actually, you know, actively trying?
Seems like you are both a bit delusional, him for thinking you could crack out 3 kids past 40 and you thinking god or the stork would gift you a ‘miracle’ at some random point in the future.

Bonkers!!!
absolute bonkers !!!

he left you for a younger woman so fuck him he didn't love you … he actually didn't

but why the fuck did you not do basic checks before assuming the worst????

at 42 even with good number you have a year to grab a young man and make babies if you want them

i doubt you really do otherwise you would have pulled your finger out by now

I hear you OP. I hear you and understand.

The thing that doesn’t match up here is his and your vision for the future. Children yes. But what would happen if you successfully had one or two children together but not a third either because you couldn’t as a couple or because after one, or two, you felt you had enough?

It’s all very well for a man to put a number on it because of his family tradition but, as you know, having children is life changing in every way and there is no guarantee that, even after one child, you are going to feel enthusiastic to have more. The birth could be challenging, your own health could be compromised, you could find having one child enough.

His vision doesn’t take account of any of that. His vision centres on a hypothetical, imaginary, idyllic future. It doesn’t take account of you or any other variables that could change things.

I very much understand that the loss of your relationship has sent you down this path but would encourage you to recognise that his vision is unrealistic. You could have one child with him and him still leave because he wants three and, for whatever reason, you can’t.

His view of it all is unrealistic. It’s that which has ended your relationship not your lack of commitment to having children..you could have talked that through. Is he having a mid-life crisis? Sounds a bit like it to me!

You are grieving the end of the relationship, thinking of the what's ifs and regretting how things went. If you want peace of mind that you did everything you could to help you move on, then by all means tell him your test results.

After this move on swiftly. If you want a child then don't leave it in gods hands just do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Apart from paying a surrogate to have a baby for her. Don't do that.

No, I do not think you should tell him your results.

Amazing results for a 42 yo or even good for a 38 yo is great news for you! However, as you say "he may have problems" so he is trying to give himself the best possible chance by finding someone younger. Maybe even under 30.

I think he probably should have thought of this before he started dating you though and before he started all the "those will be your kids too you know" talk.

At least he is being honest now.

Hang on to your dignity and move on. You have great fertility so you could meet someone else and have a child with them.

My ultrasounds were all good. So were all my hormones, excellent in fact. I still had a blocked fallopian tube, and seems as though I have a clotting disorder too. You don't find this stuff out until you test for it specifically, or until you start having losses.

I really would not be contacting an ex to tell him you're able to have his baby after all - because nothing has changed. Until you try you just don't know, and he isn't willing to do any treatments.

@ThatCuteGirl In your 2 decades of adult life have you ever tried for a baby before? In previous relationships?

God willing isn't going to work at 42 op unless He is gonna come down and do the do Himself.

This might sound harsh but if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. The test results don’t mean much on their own and I think sharing them with him probably won’t change anything and so might leave you feeling even more
hurt. Better just to move on.