Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

It sounds like you were incompatible. He was unable to deal with the possibility of infertility and you were ambivalent about having a baby. It’s probably for the best that you split.

Telling him your results feels like you want to stick two fingers up at him.

Tell him. Tell him what youve told us. If you can be brave enough to risk being rejected anyway.

Or dont, run away again in case hes moved on.

Choice is yours. But id gamble on telling him because for me worst case - youre exactly where you are already

It’s that it’s ‘god’s will’. Which means being totally passive and not being proactive.
it’s so silly

This.

Fertility aside, your thought process is very unusual. Getting to the end of the fertility stage and just talking about TTC and the odd unprotected sex. Assuming you’d struggl without trying or testing is very strange.

Why didn’t you track your cycles?

Why did you put it off so long?

I think your ex was wise to move on. I don’t think you actually want kids. Even if your numbers are good, your chance of miscarriage is higher now. And at 42, your changes of having 3 kids are slim to none. You’d be 43 at the earliest with number one, so presumably at least 47 with number 3 - not going to happen.

My family and I have talked about this in depth.

For example, one of my sisters wanted 4 kids. But, after having 2, they realized they had the perfect little family, and as far as energy and resources, they were content to be done at 2.

My other sister talked about a coworker in her late 20s. Had plans for multiple kids. But...the pregnancy was hard and the recovery was hard, and she essentially said, "I'm done, One's enough." That's something that could happen with anyone....of any age.

Or heck...maybe you have one kid, get in a car accident which shatters the pelvis, and so on and so forth.

I completely understand he wants kids....and wants to give his mom grandchildren. I totally get that. I am in the same boat.

One thing he mentioned was wanting to re-create his childhood (with the 3 kids) and the family tradition and all that. You used two words that have been floating around my family: idyllic, which my sister talked about him being over-idealistic. And unrealistic, which is what my mom keeps saying.

Besides all that....he is looking at meeting someone, dating them, then getting to the point of talking about the future.....that isn't a quick process....that is maybe another year or two...are they gonna have their fertility tested before they get married? What happens if they get married, and find out there are problems?

I feel you need to tell him. Nothing good comes out of a lack of communication. You were both complicit in the breakup and now you are changing your enthusiasm levels and you hopes.

He's a knob

you are much better off without him

i know this because i desperately wanted kids but would not have dreamt if leaving my partner if they were unable to to have them with me

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU

also st 42 doctors and science make babies happen not god

i would put money on him knowing he is infertile and he likes making his female partners feel like it’s their problem and then leaves them

Even if you’ve only been together a year, tbh, if you really wanted kids, you should’ve been trying from as soon as possible in that relationship if he’d given a green light. As at 42 there’s no time for dithering.

at the start of dating someone, at this age as a woman that might want kids, this is a conversation you need to have early in a relationship.

if hes just saying now he wants multiple children, that’s out of order. It should’ve have been stated early in relationship as this may be unlikely at your age, and you could’ve walked away early without getting too attached

Sorry but if you are 42 and genuinely wanted children you would be taking every opportunity to have one. You had a boyfriend who had made it clear that he wanted children . You didn't actively try to conceive despite time not being on your side. Perfectly reasonable of him to assume you didn't really want them.

You seem to be acting like you have all the time in the world - which at 42 you don't. He sounds like he realised he really wanted children and you were still in the vague 'some day' stage - there doesn't seem to be any concrete plans.

I think underneath there is other stuff going on. Hurt that he finished with you, wanting to 'show him' by proving you are fertile, having to face up to the fact that you probably won't have children and how your life will look going forward.

I think he made the right decision for him and that was very hurtful for you, which is understandable.

The numbers can be great. Mine are and I’m 44- but AMH especially only tell you that you have loads of eggs left the problem is they are still old and most likely none will fertilise or develop into a healthy baby. I have tried for the past 5 years and not one positive test at all in that time - I’m moving to donor eggs now . All my hormone levels were perfect too so it was really confusing.

Regardless of your fertility, at 42 you are still statistically less likely to conceive than someone younger.

That said, nobody is guaranteed fertility or the ability to conceive quickly or naturally.

You are right, that he may meet someone who doesn't fit his agenda or has second thoughts going forward. At this point that would be between him and them.

To answer your original point, in regards to wether or not you tell him you had the tests and confirmed as fertile. That's entirely up to you, is it a last ditch attempt to achieve your own goal? Would you really want to be with a man, who would quite easily ditch you because you haven't or can't achieve his goals?

Honestly op I would write him off. He has made his bed. I would also question if you do really want kids. That whole 'if god wills it' is an excuse. As a woman of faith you should know very well that doesn't mean waiting for things to fall into your lap. You make your own luck. Think if the parable of the drowning man ( two boats and a helicopter).

When the subject very first came up....I specifically told him, "I may not be able to give you kids." His response was that we would figure it out together, whether that meant adopting or maybe just being an uncle and auntie. So, yes, I knew he wanted kids, but he also seemed open to whatever our family would end up looking like.

Once it got to the point that he definitely wanted kids, his own biological kids, and multiple....he still didn't talk about it in a "Guess we better get started" kind of way. It was in a, "If we have a future together, this is what I am wanting" kind of way.

I'd say he wants to look elsewhere. His rationale may have been honest... or not... the equivalent of 'it's not you it's me'. Either way, he isn't the one for you.

Children are a huge life change, and challenge the most loving and stable of relationships. Without the foundation of mutual love for each other, then it is a much harder ride.

Take some time out for yourself, stop chasing shadows and dreams around him. Do things that bring you pleasure, small or large, see what life brings you, see what you can make happen. For you.

If they want children over 40 then focus is required.

I would tell him, perhaps say that as you had been having unprotected sex and not got pregnant you thought you should get your fertility checked, and as your has come back showing no concerns perhaps he should consider a test for himself so he can manage his expectations for future family.

I don't think you should have children with him though, it feels from what you have said as though he wasn't certain about the relationship and and was too willing to give up on the relationship/ not to take the next steps. Better to go it alone if you really want kids than to have them with the wrong person just because you feel time is ticking.

I think if you’re someone who knows they definitely want at least 2 children, then a relatively new female partner of 42 who isn’t 100% sure or enthusiastic is pragmatically not going to be the best option.

I read your OP assuming you don't want kids, so no wonder he felt the same. Yes of course it's possible to get pregnant at your age (I was pregnant at 40), but if he wants 3 kids, that's not quite as likely.

Exactly @ThatCuteGirl. To me this is mid-life crisis territory….sudden dissatisfaction with what he has and aspirations to have something vastly different regardless of the people around him or common sense.

Has he recently had colleagues having children or been around people wanting children?

I think be careful of what you are signing up to here. If you tell him about your test results and you reunite, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you can’t have children as a couple or you have one and he still leaves because he is dissatisfied.

My thoughts? He has done you a favour by leaving. You would have been under the most unimaginable pressure if you had stayed together and, what if having a child doesn’t measure up to his idyll? What if your child has a disability or high needs which means they are not the child he anticipated? The vision he has of his own childhood being repeated is pie in the sky.

This has his mid-life crisis stamped all over it. Please think carefully about what you really want from your life, your goals? It’s time to live your life, your dreams, not his. I know the end of your relationship has made you sad but don’t let it force you into making rash decisions with someone who doesn’t have realistic expectations of the future.

This. And is the reason ALL the reason? I do wonder if the "God will send or not" attitude just got annoying?

A far as having babies goes , couples in their 40s do not have time to waft about with an ' in the future mentality'. If he wants children but ' in the future' then he needs to do exactly what he's done and try to find a woman with many more years before she gets to 40. You can tell him about your fertility results ( having lots of eggs is great but they may be non viable eggs. He may well have lower motility/ quality of sperm as he's over 40 too) but unless you are both in the place of trying to conceive as soon as you get back together it's pointless.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me if I was infertile.

I’d be very happy still, even if partner didn’t want kids (I do) because to me I feel ridiculous getting rid of someone I love for someone who doesn’t exist.

id also be fine if someone chucked me for not wanting kids, if they did. But leaving you because you can’t is really shitty.

I think he liked you but then his biological clock started ticking and he realised that having lots of children was important to him and that was not going to happen with a 42 year old. I don't think telling him your fertility numbers will convince him otherwise. I also think it would be horrible pressure for you to be with someone in these circumstances.

Regardless of him, if you do decide you really want children you may have to go for 'God helps those who help themselves' rather than 'God willing'.

Instead of talking hypothetical scenarios and thinking the worst, why didn't you try conceiving?