Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

Anyone of 42 wanting children needs to move to actually trying before anything else like marriage/houses/jobs away from home.

If you want a kid or 3 at 42 there is literally no time to waste and it would have to be the number 1 priority.

He wanted to end the relationship. It may be that he realised you want different things. It may be that the fertility issue is an excuse, an easy way of ending it without him having to say he didn't love you enough to want to move your relationship to the next stage of living together. Just leave it behind and move on.

He sounds like a bit of a fantasist. If he has really wanted 3 children, he would have made a go of it before hitting midlife. He wants to recreate some kind of rose-tinted fantasy of family life. Having 3 kids is bloody hard work; I wonder if he’s even cut out for it at his age.

She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially

Except they aren’t the “new normal”, they? Most women aren’t having their first at 43 years and older. Women aren’t naturally more fertile now than they were previously. Historically, women having babies in their 40s had other children prior and were naturally very fertile.

Those who are, are frequently relying on reproductive technology to help and many aren’t using their own eggs. I haven’t needed IVF but a close relative has and it’s A LOT - stressful, exhausting, draining.

I find the concept of surrogacy abhorrent.

If he is breaking up with you because he realises he wants 2-3 children you need to let him go. Firstly, because it’s a shitty, future-faking type thing to do, but also because a blood test showing you have egg reserves doesn’t mean they are of good quality.

Tell him see what happens.
You def have time for 1 maybe 2 if you try straight away afterwards.
Make sure he pulls his weight with the first one and trust me he then won’t be bothered about anymore, let alone 3 🤣

He knew your ages and that you wanted DC. He either ‘future faked’ or didn’t give it sufficient thought, changed his mind once he’d properly thought it through and realised he’d have much better odds of biological DC with a younger woman.

Both shit ways to treat you,

Don’t run after him now.

I had a pretty big breakup when I was 38, and at that point, I sort of came to the (possibly wrong) conclusion that.....it just wasn't going to happen for me.

I think it was more than likely the right conclusion unless you had met someone pretty quickly.

My feeling is that if this relationship had legs you’d have had the relevant communication and done the testing while you were still in it.

You were right to be cautious and even if you managed to have one at this age, you’re unlikely to have more.

Sometimes people’s family goals are more important to them than being with the person they’re with. That seems to be case here.

I got excellent results in my fertility tests (AMH levels?) at 38 but when I tried to conceive at 40 I had multiple miscarriages. We tested and it was always a chromosome problem - so the quality of my eggs not the quantity. I don’t know if that would have been the case when I was 38.

I understand why you wanted to manage his expectations. I also understand his perspective of having children is so important to him.

I wouldn’t tell him. If you are at peace with the idea it might not happen for you then I would continue life and try to meet someone where it isn’t a deal breaker.

what if you get pregnant and then have miscarriages and he leaves because of that? That is not an umbrella of uncertainty I would want to live under and based on this you have a good indication of what his choice would be.

I think if you decide to tell him and try it would be worth looking at egg freezing now? I know the odds with eggs at 42 are not all that good. But it at least freezes the quality now - and the quality can be tested now as well. I dont know how you feel about that “ethically”.

I do think if you meet after a certain age and children are on the table the timetable needs to speed up. I had been with my husband for 1.5 years when we started trying as we both wanted it and knew we had to take the leap.

But. When we found out it was so difficult to keep a pregnancy going and I was emotionally wrecked from having so many miscarriages, my husband and I agreed together we needed to make a new plan for our lives. He was all in with that as well and supported me through everything. If he had been obviously wondering if he needed to find someone else, I think it would have broken me. Lifelong partnership is about joint goals and values. They have to be there for you through the good and the very very bad. While I don’t love what he has done, he has made it very clear what he would prioritise and I think best to leave it there with him. You deserve to be with someone who will love you regardless of an issue you cannot control. So I wouldn’t tell him and keep looking for someone who is more nuanced in his approach.

I'll start by mentioning that I met my husband in my late thirties, had my first child at 40 and another at 44. Both without any help conceiving but with some early losses, and the nearly five year gap between them wasn't planned. It just took that long, probably because of my age.

However when we met, my husband and I had a conversation about kids much earlier than we would have had I been younger. We both knew that if we were going to do it then we couldn't delay. A lot of work went into making it happen, lots of date checking and planned sex. Legs up on the wall after sex every time, using the gel stuff that apparently helps the swimmers along!

Unfortunately this bloke doesn't sound very bright, among other issues. Surely any man knows that starting a relationship with a woman of your age means that kids are not going to be an easy and obvious choice. The chances of doing it naturally at all, never mind three times are slim to none. If this is what he wanted he had no business being this ambivalent as if every month that passed didn't make it all more difficult. Also as mentioned earlier he doesn't get off scot free in fertility terms - more and more research is pointing to the age of the father being a problem, not just the mother. He has been cruel as well as unrealistic.

I always thought I didn't want kids. Even when I did meet my husband I didn't feel that distinct urge for a baby, that 'biological clock' thing that some women talk about. What I did feel was that I wanted us to become a family, which amounts to the same thing in the end, and had we had more time I think we would have had at least one more. If you had decided you really wanted kids I don't understand why you went for fertility testing when it appears you hadn't even got to the stage of actively trying to conceive by tracking your cycle and franctically shagging at the right time of the month. Were you maybe not as committed to this as you say, albeit subconsciously? We knew it might not happen easily or that we might need help with fertility but I'm pretty sure the first stage of conception, particularly given your age, is usually plenty of sex first rather than let's wait and see and a visit to the doctor.

If you do want kids and you get back with your ex, I would immediately do enough IVF that you get to the point of at least 4 to 6 genetically tested embryos. If you're keen on more than one you don't have time to just see what happens. If you want kids but not with your ex, I'd freeze eggs immediately - I know it's no guarantee but it can help. If you're genuinely not fussed either way then nothing to worry about but the kind of tests you've done are only one part of the picture of getting pregnant and results can change dramatically and quickly after 40.

I assumed you’d been together for years and was dithering about if you wanted kids and it’s only now that he left you, are you suddenly wanting kids.

However, if you’ve only been together 1 year and having sex for less than that then of course you wouldn’t have been trying for kids.

Gently OP I wouldn’t say anything because I don’t think it would make a difference.

If he genuinely loved you and genuinely wanted kids with you, he would have given you an ultimatum that you start seriously TTC or he leaves.

As you say, he’s got a very fixed idea in his mind and you’ll always be worrying about living up to that expectation.

You are not what he wants and I would not waste any more of your time on him.
Go and find someone who wants to be with you.

Future faking. Let it go and move on.

I very much agree. The biological clock ticking isnt an excuse to rush into having children at all costs.

How old is he @ThatCuteGirl. Depending on his age, he really should also be considering the additional issue of birth defects that occur with older man's sperm. Great to want 3 lovely healthy kids. What if they have have SEN or disabilities due to his age? Many, many men can't cope with that and check out. Plenty of posts on MN about this issue.

I think he's done the maths in his head. 'She's 42. Probably can't get pregnant. I'm X years old. I need a younger woman who is more fertile.'

He's added that to unprotected sex resulting in no pregnancies.

But I also think he's daft if he's assuming the not getting pregnant isn't also down to him.

Op at 42 you don't have time to waste. I assume he's similar age.
I'd get in touch with him. Going for test speaks volumes you obviously want kids more than your saying.

And be prepared to move fast. I wouldn't faff with not trying not preventing much longer. I'd go for IVF as egg quality matters as much as ovarian reserve.
I was 40 AMH off the scale, of 4 fertilised eggs that were put back, 2 then 2 only 1 took.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that

He has "done the maths" urgh and then unceremoniously dumped you, and is clear he wants a younger model to procreate with. He sees you as a commodity baby-making incubator.

i wouldn't go back to someone like that in a month of Sundays. With his attitude, you're at risk of him using you as a baby-making machine and then dumping you because the relationship isn't that strong. That's no environment in which to bring children into the world.

I wouldn't tell him about the test results. Having been through fertility treatment myself you learn that it's all about egg quality and you can't know about that until you try.

You do sound like you were ambivalent about having kids and he was unrealistic so you perhaps weren't the best match.

If you do really want children you should consider IVF with a donor soon as although your numbers are good some clinics won't use your own eggs after 43 because success tends to be so low at that point that it isn't considered worth doing.

OP, you had a relationship with a man for less than a year and you were playing Russian roulette by having unprotected sex with him. 11-ish months in, he dumps you saying he wants a younger woman - believe him, and also get an STD test.

And as for “putting things in God’s hands” don’t be so ridiculous. Do you not wear safety belts because if God wants you NOT to be thrown through the windscreen of a car if you have a crash, she’ll prevent it? Of course not.

Try and be a bit more proactive about your life; if you want something, do the work necessary to put you on the path to achieving it. You may get it, you may not, but if God exists, they surely will expect humans to put a bit of effort in.

Hi, it sounds to me that he used your age and potential lack if fertility as the reason to end the relationship. If he was saying 3 weeks ago that he was looking forward to having kids with you (by the pool) then something significant has shifted. He may just have decided that he wanted to end the relationship, perhaps he’s met someone else or just has the ick, but to use your age and fertility as the reason is cruel. If he had genuinely loved you, he would still be with you. See this as a lucky escape and make your own plans for a family - as soon as possible.

If you really want kids then get on with it on your own. Make it happen. This is your absolute last chance.

There are lots of unicorn stories of people having kids in their mid/late forties. Reason people recount these stories is because it is extremely rare and very unlikely to actually happen.

Imagine your 80th birthday. Will you regret not having kids. If so stop willing God to make it happen and take matters into your own hands.

It's unlikely you will meet a partner, get to know each other, then start tracking and trying for a baby. Sperm bank is your only answer at this point.

It makes no sense you were dithering about. If you wanted kids why didnt you try a bit harder given your age. Sounds like he got the vibes you weren't that keen and ended it. The statistics are against you. And the chances of having 3 starting at 42 would be virtually no chance.

Exactly!!

He knew her age when the entire time and he was adamant that he wants more than one child.

He was fine with her age a few weeks ago but all of a sudden she’s too old.

I definitely think it’s just an excuse and OP would be stupid to try and get back with him and trying to get pregnant for him.

I find it odd that you keep talking about "numbers" and dont say which fertility test you have had done.

I understand that you didnt start TTC as your relationship wasnt long enough for that, imho. It would have been helpful if you mentioned that in your OP, as well as your age.

I think you are better of withouthim, eventhough if your real life communication is the same as it comes across in your posts I am not surprised you possibly didnt get your point across the way you wanted.

Op, I wouldn't tell him the results. The fact is that you are highly unlikely to be able to give him 3 kids. I know your numbers are really good but that's just egg reserves. I had really great numbers too but the egg quality wasn't there due to age so even with IVF it took 6 cycles.
If you did tell him and he suddenly wanted to get back together, you'd most likely only be kicking the can down the road. The stress of trying to conceive, not only because you want a child, but because he'll leave if it doesn't happen quickly, would most likely impact on your fertility and mental health.
Also, the fact that he wants to do it all naturally means that if you did manage to have one, your eggs would be even older when it came time to have number 2.
Your best bet at having more than one child at your age would be to start doing IVF immediately with pgs screening. Get as many euploid embryos in the freezer as possible and then implant them over the next few years. For this to happen, he'd have to be on board with IVF and be happy to spend plenty of money.