Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

I'm so sorry to hear how sad you are. I'd really suggest you talk with someone to resolve what you want to do next. Motherhood is possible but it could look very different to what you envisaged and would require swift decisive action. Alternatively there are other ways to bring children into your life. The right counsellor at this point might help.

OP, with the best will in the world, you are not going to be having 3 children unless you have triplets some time in the next 12 months. He wants 3 kids, you are 42. Let it go.

To be fair, he should let it go too. Unlikely he’s going to meet some young thing that will be young enough, want to AND be able to have three kids with him. Let alone commit to that before they even start trying like he seems to want them to.

Plus he’s forty so his swimmers will be starting to get a little…confused too. People who throw away real people for hypotheticals are taking massive risks. People who do it for total fantasy land hypotheticals, are idiots who never deserved what they had to begin with.

They cant see the quality of your eggs on any test can they?

No they can't. They can't really grade eggs just quantity.
They can and do grade embryos through.

Here is the thing I don't quite understand.

I know he talked to his coworkers about it. He has a group of older women he works with...he always called them his surrogate mothers, and he often talked to them for advice.

I know that they loved us together and rooted for us. They often insisted he take time off work to see me.

While I am sure they want him to be happy and have the family he desires...surely they would have tried to talk some sense into him about hypotheticals and that nothing is guaranteed. Surely they would have had a more mature approach to this whole situation.

Also, he talked to his therapist about it, and while I know the therapist doesn't tell him what to do....just talks him through what he's going through...you'd still think she would have given him some smart advice.

You know who he didn't talk to? His Mom. The woman he wants to give a grandchild. The woman who was there for this childhood he wants to re-create. I found that very strange. Surely, she could have talked some sense into him.

I will say one thing that....didn't work well in my favor. His dad was 14 years older than his Mom. He had his youngest brother at age 49. So, I am sure in his mind.....he's got lots of years left. And...going for someone over a decade younger probably seems normal. BUT...also, his father got sick and then passed when they were relatively young. And, while they were growing up, he was kind of withdrawn and not super involved. Which...these are the things that he should think about if he thinks he has plenty of time left.

Yes but the rub of it op is that it’s very likely this wanting kids thing being why he left is likely just bs. Men don’t tend to leave a good thing unless they’ve someone else lined up. I think the kids thing was just a convenient way out for him.

Not to say he doesn’t just think he can date younger because his dad did and that when he leaves, miss world is just going to fall right into his lap of course.

But I highly doubt children have much to do with it.

OP I wonder if you have had the frank discussion you are having with us, with him.

I think being open with him might help you to move forward, either finally finish it for good or maybe find a way forward.

Taking your age out of the equation, for a moment, I don't think you have really made it clear you do want children.

You said as a person of faith you didn't want to assume you could have kids. I am also a person of faith and I completely understand the uncertainty of fertility at any age but I also think that there are always options. We had fertility treatments with first child, successfully; tried donor eggs unsuccessfully; and opted for adoption for no 2.

It may well not be with this man but whoever it is, it really does require quite a hearty commitment. Donor eggs process is not cheap.

Are you in the UK?

It sounds like you have a good job but one that might not be compatible with parenting, especially alone.

Good luck.

Just let it go @ThatCuteGirl

Focus on yourself and moving on rather than dwelling on a relationship that’s finished

I agree with this. Maybe all his co workers and his therapist did talk this through with him. Maybe they didn't say what you wanted them to say. Maybe they did and he decided he still wants to make the same decision. His reasons for leaving seem very specific, and sound like excuses. It's like that old song ' Soldier, Soldier, won't you marry me?' where he comes up with excuse after excuse and she resolved all the issues he says he has and then it turns out he's already married! The fact that song is about a century old and written by a man tells it's own story!

Let him go.....

A man who legit WANTS a family of THREE and its his hearts desire....isnt sat around humming and hawing for 20 yrs.
Realistically you need a 5.-10 yr window for 3... so stsrtong at 40 he is saying at 50 wants to be up woth a newborn and he will be merrily raising children unti almost 70.
No chance.

Agree this is midlife crisis / all about him and his legacy / fairy land nonsense....

He likes the idea of being a family man... a lot of men do... look to America and the MAGA lovers....

the reality is different.

If in some sliding doors world where you have a child or even 2....My money is on him being a piss poor father / Disney dad at best

I think if you were dithering at 42 and he’s set on a family then he did the right thing to leave.

What advice do you think his mother would give him?

This is going to sound harsh so apologies but I think all this analysis, thinking about what his colleagues might have said etc is a waste of your time. The only bit of what he said that you can rely on is that he wants to break up. There is no point in arguing that his reason isn't a good reason, as for all you know he has other reasons he hasn't chosen to tell you.

Your time would be better spent thinking about what you want and making plans for your own future.

Really good advice. Have you told him unequivocally you want children and your results are good?

I think I would tell him if I were you. I think it may not make a difference. But you can then move on. And you can think about doing it on your own, if you want to. Make plans for yourself and how you want your future to look

If a relationship is right, it doesn’t break up over he theoretical chance that you may not be able to have kids. This is an excuse on his part.

If you tried for kids, couldn’t have them and he left you, it wouldn’t have been the right relationship because he would have been an arse.

If a person is fundamentally against kids when the other wants them it might break up, because this is a fundamental
difference in values.

Sorry OP but I think you are clutching at straws and better to break up now than risk bringing a child into the world and then break up.

Completely agree with this. You most likely don’t know everything. It’s normal to not be blatantly truthful when relationships end to spare feelings and make things easier for the person doing the breaking up.
For all you know he has spoken to his mum. If you asked him and he said no maybe it was because he didn’t want to reveal what they said to each other so it was easier to lie.

If you really must have an honest conversation with him if you think it’ll help. Don’t be surprised if he comes up with further excuses for why you can’t be together. Also more importantly I’m finding it hard to envision how you could get back together on equal terms. If it’s because you promise to give him a family won’t that change things and put pressure on you? It doesn’t sound a good dynamic.

To be fair, although it’s good if a partner can talk to people and listen to relevant advice…would you really want to stay with someone who wasn’t capable of making good decisions on their own and had to get their opinion on important things from other women?

Can you imagine trying to raise a kid with someone who kept getting advice from women after only telling them HIS side of the story? That would be a disaster waiting to happen.

Men have a tendency to only tell their side of the story and women have a tendency to fawn and be either be extremely sympathetic (meaning he would be encouraged to only think of his needs) or, brutal and blunt and tell him to pull his finger out and stop being a prat to you (meaning he’s end up pursuing action, often in the completely wrong way).

A person shouldn’t need a council of other people to make their important life choices. His mum is completely irrelevant.

We had unexplained infertility and that was late 20s let alone 40s. You haven’t tried so have no idea if you would be successful having children.

I don’t think you are suited to one another as it seems communication wasn’t the best. If you told him would it change anything, are you wanting him back? Or are you trying to rub his nose in it and imply he was wrong to end the relationship?

And biological children never have disabilities.. they never turn out to be sociopaths..

Not all children needing adopting had the same experience and they shouldn't all be pre-judged and labelled. You have not worked in social care, or experienced any of this firsthand. Clearly. This is why there is so much ignorance out there.

I understand OP. I had my first at 37 and my second at 45! Both times I fretted that I would struggle, I was so convinced I would because of my age, so I also had a very “if it happens it happens” attitude with DH as armour, when actually I desperately wanted children. But both times I conceived quickly once I stopped leaving it to chance and started to pay attention to my cycles. And once I was pregnant I was scared of miscarrying, scared of birth defects, scared I wouldn’t carry to term - I enjoyed my pregnancies but there was always a little part of me that was preparing for the worst. It was rubbish and I don’t know how to turn that part of myself off.

I’m sorry your DP didn’t stick by you - I think you deserve someone who wants to make a life with you and not an idealised version of the life he wants to have, which as you say may not happen. Life throws lots of curveballs and all that.

I think he was being fair.

If I was in my late 30s/early 40s and childless and I was with someone who's attitude to kids was "if it happens it happens" I'd assume they weren't really interested in having them with me and would end the relationship to find someone who did.

In fact, I ended at least one relationship in my 20s with someone who "wasn't sure" if they wanted kids - there was just no point in pursuing it to me.

As some others have said…the children thing was probably an excuse thing. Easy for him to absolve himself of anything and all focused on you and your age, with you having helped it along with the assumption you’re infertile to boot. I know you’re ruminating and trying to find sense in it - you won’t.

Whoever he went to for advice (and wtf is he sharing your relationship with ANYONE) his words will have been staged to present him in the best light. He doesn’t want to be the baddy. He may already have his eye on someone else.

You’ve had a lucky escape, he sounds like a very selfish, unrealistic man-child, and I suspect kids or no kids you would have seen this more and more.

YOU DESERVE BETTER, OP.

I remember being where you are now.

2 weeks before my ex husband (who was a sailor in the Royal Navy) told me he wanted a divorce, I had been cleaning out a cupboard and I found the start of a letter written to a female name in his writing. It was clear it wasn’t a new association and I confronted him with it. Obviously he denied anything and called me a lunatic etc.

I felt guilty for going mad at him, and was all ready to make a humble apology (I was away during the 2 weeks in between, on a work thing). He stopped me speaking and coldly said ‘I want a divorce’.

i analysed every conversation, every interaction in minute detail. I kept begging him to tell me what was wrong, we could fix it. He stood firm and we divorced.

He married the girl from the letter.

It’s not you, it’s him. They just try to make it feel like it’s you.