Should I tell my ex my fertility test results after our split?

[ThatCuteGirl]

The thing that just sucks about this whole thing is it wasn't a case of "He wants kids and I don't" or "He wants kids and I can't have them."

So the reason for our breakup….was a difference in opinion (in his mind) on kids. Bear in mind this was something we had talked about all along, and we were always on the same page. It was always..."If it happens, it happens. And hopefully, it does. If it doesn't, we will explore the other options." Like I said, we were both in agreement. Up until the last month or so. I guess his thoughts on the matter had shifted, which is fair…totally his right.

The thing is….we were still mostly on the same page….I was just taking a much more pragmatic approach of…Let's take things one thing/kid at a time, type of thing. His desires for kids had become very, very specific. he wanted 2, preferably 3 kids….biological kids. He wasn't really (and he had never told me this before) a fan of surrogacy. He wanted to have kids the old-fashioned way, essentially.

To be fair, I didn't help. I always approached our conversations from a very "prepare for the worst" place. I always said there is a chance I can't have kids. It was never, "Oh I can't wait to have kids with you!" It was…"I hope so, but we'll see…." It was a self-defense mechanism. Or not wanting to get his hopes up if I can't deliver. During the breakup, he made it clear that my hesitancy and lack of enthusiasm played a part.

So, he had sort of done the math, and knew how long it had taken his Mom to have 3 kids, and knew his Mom had a hysterectomy at a certain age, and ultimately, told me he thought he needed to look for someone younger. He said he still loved me, and he always thought he was going to marry me. But…he didn't want to have regrets 5, 10 years from now. And that was that.

Now, I never shared our conversations with anyone, I always kept them between us, and now I am kind of wishing I hadn't. Because after the fact I talked to several people, including my sister who is a labor and delivery nurse, and they kind of…acted like I was silly to assume the worst. They feel like I jumped the gun by jumping to fertility issues and alternatives. Don't get me wrong…they think he is silly too, to put a number on things. For all he knows, he might have trouble. He isn't young. Or if he does meet a younger woman…maybe she has trouble. Or maybe after 1, she decides she doesn't want anymore. There's just no guarantee, with anyone.

But like I said…my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so her opinion mattered the most, both professionally and as my sister. She asked me if there was any reason to believe that I cannot have kids. Any concrete reason. No. Basically what she said….the long and short of it….was that we had these conversations based on a lot of assumptions and virtually no actual data. She said that moms and first time moms my age were a regular occurrence. I wouldn't be some miracle exception…women like me are the new normal, essentially. And she urged me to get tested, not for him, but for my own peace of mind.

So I did. And the numbers aren't good…..they are great. Exceptional. My doctor said if she saw these numbers in a woman several years younger than me, she would still think they are good numbers. So for me….they are excellent. It's very bittersweet because I feel like if I had had these conversations with my loved ones and knew the numbers….I feel like those kid talks with him would have gone very differently. I would have been able to have them with enthusiasm and excitement. Because I did want kids with him. I did want a family with him. Anytime he mentioned our future kids, I would tense up, because...like I said before, I feared that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, inside, in my heart, I was so emotional at the thought of it.

I feel like I should tell him. But...I also feel like...he's made his decision and it may not make a difference anyway. My age is still my age, and on average, a younger woman would be a safer bet than an older woman. But...it's also not a complete shot in the dark anymore. By all we know now, the doctor feels like I should be able to have kids naturally, with vitamins and timing. But...he didn't choose me. He didn't choose me the way I would have chosen him if the roles were reversed. At the same time, it's hard for me to be angry at him for his reasoning.

How old are you? Were you trying to conceive (lots of unprotected sex?) and for how long?

I am 42. We were not trying to conceive, no.

We did have unprotected sex yes, but I don't even know my cycle, as far as ovulation goes, so we definitely weren't timing it accordingly.

I think if you get to 42, in a loving relationship with someone who does want children and you still didn't get around to trying to conceive then you probably dont want children. Sounds like he sensed that too with your lack of enthusiasm.

The problem is it sounds like you were dithering, and he was worried you might be stringing him along because you didn't want dc.

If the situation was reversed, and it was the man who was being noncommital, any woman coming on here would be told to leave in order to have a chance to have dc.

Your numbers may be great at 42, which means you have a good chance of having one dc, but the chances of having two dc, let alone 3 are still fairly low.

Well, I mean...for one, we were serious, but we had only been together for almost a year. We had been talking about marriage. But, we certainly weren't in a "trying to conceive" point in our relationship.

I explained my perceived lack of enthusiasm in the post, I thought relatively clearly.

I don't not want kids. I want kids. I've always wanted kids. I thought the chance had passed me by, so I sort of grew a thick skin.

I am also a person of faith, and for me it was always a "God's will" thing. So, I had to prepare myself for the possibility that maybe it just wasn't in His plan for me. And, that sometimes manifested itself as lack of enthusiasm. I can see how for some people, "If it happens, it happens," sounds like....meh. Whereas...for me, it's just another way of saying, "If God wills it."

Hi OP, this might not be how you feel the situation is at all, but thought it worth reflecting that from how you describe things in your OP it sounds like your partner had a clear vision of a) wanting children and b) how many. I wonder if your attitude of 'pragmatism' is actually ambivalence around having them? (Which is also 100% ok). It just feels like maybe your words - "yes I want them as well" didn't match the actions - no conversations/ planned attempts to convince and consciously work towards a shared goal of having a child together. Telling yourself that you were both 100% on the same page does help provide comfort for you, but it doesn't read like you were.

To answer your question from your post personally I wouldn't tell him your fertility results. Obviously this is great news for you if having children is something you definitely want to pursue, but ultimately from his perspective it's unlikely to offer him reassurance that you would want to have children with him if throughout the relationship there was no committed attempts to try and conceive. I can completely understand though how this feels bittersweet for you given it's the reason he's ended the relationship.

Fair enough. My doctor felt like (again, just her opinion based on the numbers and the imaging) I could have several years left.

My sister told me of a recent 48 year old in her delivery room, who had twins. Perfectly healthy mother and children.

And again, there is no guarantee that a new younger woman would go for 3. Maybe they have a hard pregnancy and decide....no more, one's enough.

The point being.....there is just no guarantee.

As far as the situation being reversed premise...I am not asking him to give up a chance at kids. I WANT kids with him.

Just read your latest reply OP and this information really helps to give context. I still wouldn't be reaching out to your ex about this unless you genuinely feel that he didn't understand your position as being how you've explained it in that update post, but as others have kindly said the likelihood of meeting his desire for 2/3 children is not high (and also would come with other considerations for you such as parenting multiple children at a slightly later stage in life).

I would tell him. Ask for a conversation, perhaps with a counsellor present.
Track your cycles. Make a go of it.

I’m sorry, but from all you’ve said, it still seems you might be quite incompatible in terms of your ideas on what you want and how you want to get there.

I’m also 42 and have 2 children now. The first was only conceived after 3 cycles of IVF and I learned quite a lot about fertility whilst we were trying.

Firstly, there are no tests that can tell you that you will conceive easily. Most tests focus on measuring your ovarian reserves, so they can say you have lots of eggs left over, they can also say if you appear to be ovulating regularly, but what they can’t tell you about is your egg quality. This is the most important factor influencing fertility in older women. The proportion of eggs that are chromosomally normal and can produce a healthy baby decline the older you get. Also both egg numbers and egg quality decline quickly once you reach a certain age. The age that this decline happens is different for different women, there’s no universal ‘cliff edge ‘, but even if you conceived now, (which you may well, as others have told you, pregnancy in early 40s is not really unusual), the chances of being able to have 2 more children in future, which seems to be what your partner has their heart set on, would still be quite low. Also, I’m guessing he hasn’t had any testing? You mention that he is older also and his age will also factor in, although male age is often ignored, I understand some studies in recent years have shown it to be far more influential than most people assume.

Im sorry if all this sounds blunt, but I do see so many people pinning hopes on these fertility tests and I just know from experience they don’t tell the full story, but are often sold to women as if they do.

If you both did want to have 2- 3 kids at this stage, probably the thing to do to give you the best change would be to do several rounds of egg collection and then create and freeze embryos using your partners sperm for future use, but besides being costly and a physical and emotionally intensive process, if he’s just not open to anything but the ‘old-fashioned ‘ way, then it sounds like this isn’t feasible

By your ‘numbers looking great’ I’m guessing you mean your standard fertility tests. I work in fertility myself and TBH your age means a lot more than any numbers. Nothing can test egg quality and it will be poor by 42. Your chance of conceiving are low at 5% each round with high miscarriage rates.

I can see both points of view then.

At 42, your numbers may be excellent for your age, but you are still towards the end of conceiving naturally, so you were right to be cautious about your chances. However, you were being a very unenthusiastic Debbie Downer, and may have given the impression you weren't bothered. The whole 'if God wills it' approach can be a sensible acceptance of a situation, but can also be very passive and not willing to do anything about it.

A lot of those older first time mums mentioned to you will have had some sort of fertility treatment.

Him - I mean, yeah, if he passionately wanted children, he had no business starting a relationship with a 41 year old. Having you fall in love then dumping you for a younger model was shitty of him.

If you are having unprotected sex then you are trying to get pregnant, unless you are post menopause.

Surrogacy seems an odd only option to discuss about possibly needing help to have a baby. I'm with him, it's unethical. But was there no look at all the more usual options?

I think I'd leave it. If you still want a baby you could try doing it alone with donor sperm.

EDITED TO ADD:
In the time I was drafting the below, there were two further updates from the OP, which obviously weren’t there when I commented - but I haven’t deleted because it took ages to write!

🎯 ^^This nails it for me.
OP - reading your post I thought you were going to be about 34, 35. I think if you had wanted kids you would have been throwing the kitchen sink at it by age 42. But you say you were not trying to conceive, and weren’t even tracking your cycle.

My sense is that possibly you have some unrealistic ideas about fertility also. You are setting a lot of store by the result of whatever fertility test you had as being strongly indicative of your ability to have a baby. I’m guessing from your post that it was measuring your Anti-Müllerian Hormone.

The trouble is, these tests don’t really mean much. Your egg reserve might be great, and typical of a younger woman, but that doesn’t tell you anything about the quality of those eggs, or give any indication of whether your body is able to carry a pregnancy to term. There are so many factors involved.

Conscious you may well not be in the UK and I don’t know what the medical attitudes tend to be like elsewhere. It seems a bit irresponsible of your doctor to suggest that women like you are ‘the new normal’, having babies naturally at 43+.

For a healthy 42-year-old woman trying to conceive naturally, the chance of getting pregnant in any given single menstrual cycle is roughly 5% or less. So over a full year of regular unprotected sex, the cumulative chance of naturally conceiving and giving birth at age 42 is about 10-15%.

At age 42, the miscarriage rate is more than 50%, and that rises to 60% at 43. Obviously women can and do have babies naturally in their mid-40s, but I struggle to see how anyone could describe it as the new normal.

I suspect your ex is very well aware of these stats, and this knowledge will doubtless have fed into the way he’s felt about the situation. It sounds as though your split was the right thing to happen for both of you. It means you are no longer under pressure to have a baby you feel less than certain about having, and your ex is now free to have the family he longs for.

So long story short, I don’t think your test results are the mic drop to your ex that you perhaps feel they are, and I definitely don’t think there is anything at all to be gained by relaying them to him. Time to draw a line and move on to building a future that feels wonderful and right and in line with your values.

I hope you find a good way forward into whatever the next chapter holds for you. 💐

The clear vision for how many kids and how, as I mentioned, had only come to pass, as of recently...within the last month or two.

In the previous times we had talked about it, we talked about trying for a biological child, but also IVF, adoption, and he said to me, direct quote, "Even if we end up having no kids, and we are the cool uncle and auntie to...(my nieces and nephews), all that matters is we are together." This is what I meant, that we were on the same page.

Like I said....he evolved on that, which I totally get, and I don't begrudge him for.

You are right that there were no active attempts to try to conceive, but....he wasn't pushing for them either. For one, we were not living together or engaged. But, I made it clear to him that I was not on birth control, we were having unprotected sex, and he knew that I was accepting of whatever results could come from that.

Wow you OP was very flip flappy on the topic, difficult to read and difficult to understand your point of view until the end

Truth is if YOU want kids you need to get a move on - it’s not about Gods will it’s about putting it out there this is your plan

Is rhere a reason OP that when you were together you left it to chance and didn't look up anything about ovulation cycles or timing or anything like that? I am curious because it comes across that you almost took a very passive approach to things happening naturally and this may indicate something of a lack of desire for children, deep down. At, say, 40 you would have been aware that the odds were against you so I would have thought you'd want to maximise chances. Are you sure that deep down you do want children?

Sorry but there’s really no realistic way a 42 year old is going to be able to have 3 kids naturally. You’re not compatible.

Twins at 48 would have been IVF.

Those numbers from fertility tests mean very little unfortunately. My sister in law had great numbers at 41, her husband did too. They can’t conceive naturally and just had a failed IVF. It’s due to their age as other things come into play, not just ‘the numbers’.

I think if you genuinely really do want children and see a future with him, even after he's dumped you, then I would tell him. If you do I'd say something like - after our discussions I felt I really needed to know what was possible re kids. I've been told my fertility is excellent which could offer the chance to have multiple children. It may be that it is too late now and you don't want to hear this. But I thought you should know in case it changes anything, as I'd still love to have kids with you.

But fwiw it doesn't sound to me like you were super committed to the idea. I don't know anyone who at 42 wouldn't be tracking their cycles and doing their best to conceive swiftly. Maybe that's because you were afraid but I think you need to really be sure what you want as kids are hard work in any circumstances and at 42 you have a much higher chance of a difficult pregnancy, child with a disability etc. If you're sure you want it then go for it. But just be sure.

I think if you wanted kids you should have thrown more enthusiasm at it, I can see how he might have concluded you weren’t very keen. You sound a lot like a man who doesn’t want kids and is just going along with it to keep his partner on board would sound. I’m sorry, but I think it’s too late to go back. As you say, he didn’t choose you.

If you are 42 and he's the same age, he only has 3 years before his sperm quality starts to decline presuming its all ok now. It's funny how men never look at themselves when talking about fertility.

At 42, your pragmatism sounds realistic. I thought you were going to say you were 32!

It sounds like he was using you, or had his head in the clouds, if he wanted you to get pregnant within a year. There’s lots of threads on mn about the likelihood of getting pregnant in your 40s and the (unlikely) probability of it happening.

i wouldn’t tell him the results though. It’s a bit spiteful.

The relationship isn't the one for you. He wants three kids and you're too old for that. You were over 40 when you met him so it's hardly surprising you were equivocal about the prospect of having kids, I think you were right to be. He's older than you and thinks he's going to walk into a relationship with a younger woman who's up for having three kids with a man in his mid to late 40s - good luck to him. Don't contact him with your test results, don't contact him at all.

I read it as she's trying to get him back by telling him she's fertile (not that she can actually promise that)