Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

DP is stirring for a argument.

She sounds a bit abusive herself.
I'd go ahead with the party and ask DP to stay at home.

How did it come about that your ex is invited, and staying over in your house?

why can’t ex book a hotel?
this can’t really be blamed on the friendship with your business partner, I wouldn’t expect a colleague to be okay with me bringing along their abusive ex to their birthday and to house them overnight in the process.

it’s very nice that you’re cordial but this is a bit enmeshed. Ten years on is quite enough time to have found a new dog sitter.

how long have you been with your partner? Do they live with you?

They shouldn’t be threatening to kick off at your party, that’s not helpful. But if this is a celebration for your closest people, it doesn’t really make sense for your abusive ex partner, who you say you barely think of, to be there.

But I wouldn’t cancel the party. I don’t think either woman sounds very nice. One was an abuser and another is combative and threatening to ‘kick off’, this isn’t great. I would uninvite them both and think about finding a nicer partner.

Why does the ex need to stay over?

I'd not be impressed with my partners abusive ex staying at their home for their birthday. It's all very enmeshed.

I mean … did you not talk to your DP first , especially since you invited your ex to spend the night afterwards?!?!

It sounds like you have got yourself into another volatile relationship but also a bit of your own doing. This could have been prevented by discussing who you were inviting with your partner before inviting them.

Can you find a compromise with your DP and keep your ex invited to the event but not staying over?

It’s up to you who you are friends with and it’s nice you’re still cordial with ex. Everyone has a past.

Does dp live with you? If not, they gave no say about your guests.

DP sounds awful. You can invite who you want. I personally wouldn't be so friendly with someone who was abusive though.

I’m not sure I’d be very impressed if my partner had their ex staying over either

It sounds like your partner wants drama and is frustrated that you aren’t engaging. I had exactly the same issue with my ex’s new girlfriend a few years ago. I wasn’t abusive but my ex and I had a civil neutral relationship until he started seeing her. Then suddenly I was being baited and receiving texts from his phone that clearly weren’t written by him. Your situation seems similar

Your current partner sounds insecure and quite frankly controlling.

Go ahead with your birthday as planned. If you cave in what will happen in the future is that you will end up caving in for minor reasons and in all honesty, I would say current partner has set a tone now which I would say has damaged your relationship. It has zero to do with your ex, this is about control.

I think it's bizarre that you've invited your abusive ex, who you seldom see, to your birthday party and to stay over at your home. If I were your DP, I wouldn't be impressed either. You knew your DP hates the ex so surely you would have seen this coming?

From what you’ve written about your DP it sounds like you’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another

However, I do think inviting your ex who you say you are not really friends with to ‘stay over’ is blurring boundaries

Apologies, I've got an (unexpected) long drive this evening (friend's car has broken down!) But I assure everyone I will engage properly as soon as I can. But to quickly answer some questions.

Ex has always stayed over when visiting. Doesn't like hotels. Last time something like this happened I suggested a hotel and ex didn't come at all so DP got her way then.

I did discuss with DP that ex would definitely be at my birthday though. It was booked last year after my last birthday, just before me and DP got together.

I've also stayed over at exs when visiting my old hometown, it's my house, would seem nonsensical to stay elsewhere. DP knew all of this when we got together.

Me and DP both live alone separately.

Dog is reactive and nervous and would be unhappy with anyone else plus ex likes to have her as we had her together for 2 years before splitting. It's always worked well so never saw the need for other arrangements.

I have a large enough house, 3 spare rooms plus a large sofa, a few people are staying over. Wouldn't ask them to get hotels, would seem mean. Lots of mutual friends with ex including business partner. Hope I've not missed anyone's question(s).

Sorry OP, it does sound to me like you prioritise your ex over your partner and I wouldn't feel happy about this either so I'm team partner

It all sounds very enmeshed and weird.

"Last time something like this happened I suggested a hotel and ex didn't come at all so DP got her way then."

To put it another way, EX got her way, didn't she?

I too can’t get my head around you inviting your supposedly abusive ex to come to a birthday party, let alone stay in your house! That’s just weird. Nor can I get my head around her renting a house from you for 10 years! It all sounds too dysfunctional to me.

How weird. Why on earth would you want your abusive ex from 10 years ago staying at your house, and be so keen on the idea that you would piss off your current partner in the process?

I think your current partner probably sees the situation for what it is, completely blooming weird and quite dysfunctional.

You think she's overreacting because for some unfathomable reason you think it's perfectly normal for you and your abusive ex from a decade ago to still have this enmeshed relationship where you stay at each other's houses, you're her landlord, you share custody of a dog and you invite her to your parties. I feel like if you were the partner in this situation you too would see that it's beyond odd

Your DP is the issue in the scenario she is being unreasonable. Either she cons with good grace or is banned from ruining your birthday night.

You love drama and attention and your "partner" whom you don't actually live with should ditch you PDQ

It's pretty weird that you're friends with your ex who was abusive to you, but it's also not a good sign that your DP is being so difficult and aggressive.

I think you have poor taste in women OP. Try and enjoy your birthday party, you sound very kind and harmonious.

I split with my ex about ten years ago.
She rents the house we used to live in off me
We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often
Ex usually stays at my house to do this
We get along fine.

So you don’t “hardly see” your ex, you are quite enmeshed still and even have her staying in your house “semi-often.” Hardly seeing her would be her not renting from you and maybe once a year you’re thrown together via mutual friends in public places.

It sounds like your current partner is also awful but I don’t blame her for being upset about this. Perhaps you should dump her and not date until you are properly single without so much attachment to and interaction with an ex. It will cause problems in any relationship you try to have because frankly it’s not normal.

You’re inviting an abusive ex to stay the night, and being berated by your current possibly abusive ex about it? What a mess. Maybe ditch both and work on your boundaries but definitely you need to deal with this weird tie to your ex.