Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

What does PDQ mean please? I think I completely avoid drama!
Not much really bothers me (DP is still very close to her ex and I've never had an issue with it, just as an example, in my experience it isn't unusual in lesbian circles).

“It was a a mutual friends funeral so very much a public event,but DP was so angry with me that ex might come that I had to make excuses/lie to ex about arrangements.”

I don’t understand why she couldn’t attend a mutual friends funeral? Did she have to stay at your house again or something?
You only seem to want to respond to people telling you that your DP is wrong. She isn’t, no one would want to put up with this bizarre arrangement.
If ex doesn’t like staying at hotels, she could get an Air BnB. It seems like you are loving the drama. You don’t need to cancel the party ffs, just tell ex she can’t come.

If you have your ex turn up knowing it makes your DP uncomfortable rather than explain to ex it’s not a good idea she turns up then yes you are prioritising your ex’s feelings over your DP. Then you need to ask yourself why?

I don't understand how your relatively new partner knows so much about your Ex to hate her so vehemently.

Did you do a character assassination of your Ex and now regret it?
For someone who doesn't do drama you seem to live it. Honestly if this is real, the issue is your relationship with DP.

If you dont like the relationship your partner has with an ex, you break up. You dont try and coerce and harass your partner into breaking uo their friendship to prove their love you. That is abusive.

Because ex is a friend and it isnt healthy to allow new partners to dictate who you can associate with. In healthy relationships, people don't set up tests or challenges to see what their partner will "pick".

For context I last saw ex in april when me and DP went for a stay over in a town near ex, for DPs birthday. I saw her for less than 2 mins it was 'knock knock here's the dog' 'great, have a good time' 'thanks, bye!' Then similar when collecting dog. Prior to that, when I visited DP not long after we got together ex came over to have the dog but I didn't see her,she arrived an hour or so after I left and was gone by the time I got back a couple of days later. Prior to that event I cannot remember but it was probably close to a year, at a festival so I said hello to her and had a bit of a conversation but she was with her, but before me and DP got together. We message about things to do with the house occasionally.

Since breaking up with ex I've had a five-year relationship, we broke up obviously but that was due to a change in circumstances meaning we couldn't progress, and not on my side, nothing to do with ex. That DP didn't like her as such but didn't have a problem with anything to do with her.

Or you try to help them understand it's completely bananas to be so enmeshed with an ex that they've told you was abusive towards them.

Dont cancel your birthday. There are few enough occasions to have a laugh and celebrate as we get older, so go out and enjoy your night. Perhaps a daft idea but you stay with current partner on the night at her place. Or at hotel or anywhere except where ex is. Let ex and b.partner stay at yours. Tell current partner stop being jealous, you ve moved on, and not to come if she s annoyed by it.

I think you have totally inappropriate boundaries.

No, you leave other adults to it. I mean, I might put that across one time, but once it is rejected as relevant then I'd be moving on if I thought it was toxic.

However, I do believe that a relationship can be toxic and then change shape and not be toxic. I think I can be friends with exes where we had unhealthy romantic relationships because the toxicity was isolated to how we interacted as potential life partners. Not as friends.

That isnt with everyone, but definitely some exes. And I'd hate anyone else to try and dictate to me what relationships could become healthy friendships and what can't.

Especially a newish partner. Husband of many years? Yeah, maybe.

I can't see anything the OP has done wrong.

The current partner sounds a nightmare though.

Don't you see?! He hasn't done EXACTLY what his new owner partner has instructed him to do!

I love the way you have ignored my posts OP and seem to be enjoying the ones that blame either your ex or your DP.

YOU are the problem here because you are the link between both women and you are the one who has created this problem with your lack of boundaries and the fact that you admit to telling your DP that your long time ex was abusive. If she is still in your life but you have moved on from this & made peace with it then this was not necessary to reveal because it would clearly cause drama and for your DP to dislike her.

But you really enjoy painting yourself as the reasonable, cool guy don't you?

I agree with the posters who think you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. That's a pattern worth thinking about (so you don't repeat it again).

Some posters are getting a bit stuck on the fact that it's unusual for you to get on with your abusive ex. It is unusual, but that's not the point. Your relationship was over a decade ago and it's only a positive that both of you have got to a place of civility. I don't think it's "enmeshed" at all. Having someone to stay in your spare room for convenience doesn't indicate enmeshment!

The point is that your current partner shouldn't get a say in any of this. Unless you're actually cheating on her - which I'm glad no one has suggested - she doesn't get to control how you conduct your relationships with your friends, family, exes or anyone else. She can think it's unusual and she can express that and if it's too unusual for her then she can leave - but she doesn't get to be aggressive, borderline-abusive and controlling.

And let's be real, your ex being abusive is a red herring. I suspect that your new partner would kick off even if that wasn't the case.

I am a woman.

Maybe my ex in between these two was unusually easy-going. I did speak to (current) DP (calmly!) About whether my still having ties to ex wasn't going to work for her.
There are (adult now) children too (ex had four, not mine).

This! You've answered this post but your answer was about why your ex rents a house from you (because it's delapidated and not fit to rent commercially) but not about why you've invited your ex to stay in your current home.

Why have you, in this specific case, invited your abusive ex from ten years ago to your party and afterwards to stay overnight with you, in the home you live in now?

You say you barely speak to your ex when you see her to give her your dog, so why invite her to your birthday and then to stay with you when no dog care is involved and she was abusive?

I'd not be happy with my partner still being in touch with exes, let alone inviting them for parties and sleepovers. But I wouldn't hound you for it like your partner is, I'd just dump you because we clearly don't align when it comes to our views of being involved with exes.

Even if ex is a friend at some point your DP becomes more of a priority. I’m not saying I agree with DP behaviour but I also don’t agree with OP pretending to be all naive either

The OP is loving the drama I think.

The whole thing is a toxic mess and the OP is trying to paint themselves as the hero of the hour.
I'm out.

Not if being a priority means forcing me to cut off my friends or other people in my support network. You'll see your a priority because I'm building a shared future with you. If that isnt good enough and you need to prune my friends too, you'd have to fuck off.

That is what normal, healthy people do when something doesnt work for them.

Agree.

And those missing boundaries are EXACTLY why you're in this situation. WHY are you hanging about with an abuser?

You're also prioritising your relationship with ex over that with DP. No one who is investing herself in someone else is going to like that. It's not honouring the primacy of the relationship.

You're also not respectful towards DP. You're trying to force her to hang around an ex of yours, and an abusive ex at that. She doesn't want to. She's probably already made that clear, but you have chosen to ignore that. Now you expect her to endure being in the vicinity of someone she detests so you can laud yourself.

You're very busy painting DP as unreasonable, but all of the above would piss me off too and make me rethink whether I should continue the relationship.

If you see how YOUR actions have led to this fracas, you can resolve it.

Yeesh there are some scary people out there on those apps. Good Luck, OP. It's a fucking minefield of abusers.

I hope not but I can reflect on it. I work in a very 'care focused' profession and all my close friend group are calm and understanding of one another.

My dog just dislikes other dogs and is sensitive and very bonded to me. I've tried dog sitters but she cried for hours before they rang to tell me she wouldn't settle. As I have someone who loves to have her who she is happy with I didn't see the need to bother putting her through something like that again.