Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

I've never 'invited her for a sleepover'.

DP definitely sounds unhinged. Can you at least ask ex to stay elsewhere as I can see that might be a problem? I wouldn’t cancel though. Nothing wrong with being friendly with an ex though and if dog used to her I can see why she looks after him. Why does DP hate her so much? Surely there will be enough people at the party for them to avoid each other.

You've invited your ex multiple times in the short just under 1 year relationship with your current partner to sleep over at your house, yes or no?

No, DP didn't want to be in the same room/at the same event as her and became very angry. I did ask ex to stay in a hotel but she didn't come. I didn't give details but she sensed that something was wrong unfortunately. DP was furious with me over it all at the time.

I genuinely do not understand the 'loving the drama' replies at all. What drama?

I'm responding to ones where I feel there is something to clarify or a question has been asked. So far the ones in agreement with me haven't required it but I will respond more later, I have to go out shortly.

This.

What a strange thing to do and expect no fallout.

No.

Unless while I was not there counts? I wouldn't call that circumstance 'a sleepover'.

No. The ex looks after the dog on occasion and that often takes place at OP's home when they are away. I think some people got in such a panic at imagining their partner interacting with an ex that they stopped reading.

Apologies this should read 'with her girlfriend'. I do have to leave now but won't abandon the thread, will respond later.

I think a lot of women here need fo reflect on whether their "boundaries" are just abusive contol that they've been led to believe is normal and right in a relationship. Just like an abusive man who thinks its normal to not want your girlfriend out dressed up without you with her. He thinks it's just how "proper men" think.

Op does say ex was abusive - it's a stand alone very short paragraph in the opening post.

"Ex was abusive. DP knows this".

The renting a run down house to ex and having ex do holiday dog sitting for elderly,bonce shared, dog makes some degree of sense, but inviting the abusive ex to your birthday party and to stay over in your current home with you is just courting drama.

It sounds more as though the OP is setting up tests for her current partner to see how much she'll tolerate than that it's the partner being irrational.

Either way it sounds like an almighty dramatic headache and the current partner would be best off ending the relationship.

How many men do you know who would organise a birthday party like that for themselves?

Tell your DP of one year not to bother coming. Problem solved.

@paltandsepper you said ex arrived to dog sit after you left. Does that mean she has a key or do you have a keysafe on which you can change the pin? I mean, I think your ‘new’ DP is controlling but I also think your ex having a key would be a bit much. The funeral stuff - DP should have had enough maturity to put feelings aside and then deal
with it separately - like you say, talk it through.

With regard to the house, can the co-owner buy you out? Then up to them who you rent to.

I can see why DP might be a bit unsettled with the presence of your ex, but I definitely think DP is controlling and you’d be better off on your own - and consider undoing some of the links to the past as well.

How come you have access to Mumsnet but not Google?

Going to guess eveyone posting has missed the bit where OP is a woman in a lesbian relationship.

Also seems that OP hasn't invited ex for a 'sleepover' she's invited her and business partner to stay in her house while she stays with her DP for the party night.

My 2p is that you're a people pleaser OP and want everyone to be happy with no drama, unfortunately this usually attracts dramatic people and they love to disrupt. I personally think your DP is in the wrong, if you already had a working set up/friendship with your ex then I'm sorry unless you cross boundries she can't be suddenly dictating you don't see her. Especially by shouting and swearing at you, if she doesn't like the situation then she's free to leave, not bully you into doing what she wants

Your ex has changed, apologised. Your current DP is an issue in there here and now.

Rage that your ex may be at the same funeral FFS, raging over your birthday plans that you informed her of nearly a year ago.

Your current DP doesn’t sound that pleasant.

@paltandsepper I must have got this wrong... you are inviting your abusive ex to your party?!!

“Why does DP hate her so much? ”

Because OP told her that she was abusive.

No you didn't get it wrong. It's fine though apparently because the OP is easy going. This whole thread is bonkers.

Did your abusive ex break into your house @paltandsepper to stay there with your dog? No. Then you invited them, so stop splitting hairs.

I see you, standing in the middle of all of this drama acting like none of this has anything to do with you and you just can't understand why the others are being so crazy. This is your mess. You have a triangulating relational pattern. Do you work as a therapist? You have some serious work to do on yourself.

You don’t communicate with your DP

you don’t care about your DP

your priorities are all wrong

there’s no way I’d want my partners ex to stay in the same house as me or my partner stay in their house either. It’s a weird set up and there’s just no reason for it. I bet the ex is loving it making your DP uncomfortable

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was that close with their ex, but that would be my issue, not theirs. You aren’t really doing anything wrong, if your girlfriend of a year can’t handle it, she can split up with you. Not on her to be furious with you about it

There are some odd dynamics at play here.

And, as usual, some responses are because people have focused on one part, applied their own experience and not employed any critical thinking beyond that.

An abusive ex with whom the OP is still enmeshed after 10 years isn't a standard friends with the ex situation.

I wonder how much of renting a house from the OP, staying over in the house, sharing the dog etc is driven by them as a way of still maintaining some form of control over the OP and a presence in their life?

We also know that it is common for the victims of abuse to reframe things to themselves in order to feel a sense of normality in a situation or acquiesce to the abusive ex's demands many years after splitting up. And this is seen often in threads on here where ex partners seem to exert control over someone's current life and it doesn't make sense to people reading.

I suspect that I'd 'hate' my partner's ex if I knew they'd been abusive and I'd also find it very difficult to understand why, after 10 years, they'd want to invite them to their birthday party and to stay over in their house if id been told they were abusive. It smacks a bit of passivity and people pleasing and I find that an undesirable trait in people!

I can understand the DP not wanting to be in the same place as someone I'd been told was abusive to the person who invited them and I'd feel the same, tbh.

I also suspect the ex is quite enjoying the sense of power. This isn't a friendship. This is a dysfunctional dynamic.

I see you, standing in the middle of all of this drama acting like none of this has anything to do with you and you just can't understand why the others are being so crazy. This is your mess. You have a triangulating relational pattern. Do you work as a therapist? You have some serious work to do on yourself.

Yes this is what I meant by the passivity.