Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

An alternative scenario is that the OP is one of those people who never gets angry, never holds grudges, while meanwhile there are battles going on all around her as she allows other people to fight her battles for her. Or a bit of each, maybe.

Your DP hates your ex, she doesn't like your business partner... how many of your other friends and family does she dislike? Please don't ignore anything you feel might be controlling. This is who she is.

To be honest, at this stage, I'd ditch the partner (who is a hypocrite by the way as she has maintained contact with her ex) and enjoy your party.

I think I'd see those as being two sides of the same coin, tbh.

Either way, it's passive and absolves the OP of taking any responsibility.

I don't think it's the friendship she objects to, tbh.

She knew about that from the start. I'd say it's the past abuse and the ongoing enmeshment.

I wouldn’t be pleased if my partner invited their abusive ex to come party and stay overnight at their home

They aren't going to be alone together overnight. Other people are staying as well, and as the OP has already explained, they now get on well and there is no abuse any more. It is possible to forgive people who change their ways. I'm still in touch with my exH (who was indeed abusive towards me), but it was a very long time ago and we have both moved on since then. We get on fine now, and there's absolutely no chance of us ever wanting to get back together.

In case you missed it, the OP has also mentioned that the current partner has shown controlling tendencies before, and can be seriously unpleasant. I suspect that the OP has been minimising it thus far.

Your whole post is a mass of contradictions. For someone who doesn't emphasise birthdays or like attention you sure do put on a show; you've hired a singer and invited 100 people to celebrate your birthday! Including your ex.
Ex stays in your house to look after your dog, yet you claim you aren't friends, just friendly, and you seldom see her. You invited her to your birthday party.
Your DP isn't jealous but has a huge issue with your ex attending your birthday do, and asks who you would side with in an argument. She is at the very least insecure, as well as jealous, and you're fanning the flames, maybe even enjoying her reaction.

It seems to me that you very much do like attention, and on some level are enjoying the drama this is creating.

I think have the party, split up with your DP (it clearly isn't working), and create some distance between you and your ex so you don't set yourself up for issues in future relationships.

I think you need to do something about your boundaries and people-pleasing, OP.

I just got stuck on the fact you bought a house with someone and because they don't want to sell up and don't want to spend money on it, you're forced to keep renting it to your ex.

There is a solution to this. It may cause friction or a falling out with your co-owner, but you do have options and you shouldn't be locked into a silly situation like that.

"Anything for a quiet life" isn't really working out well for you.

They're definitely not 'fighting over me!'

Ex has been with her current girlfriend for a long time, I think from roughly 6 months to a year after me and her split up. My DP knows 100% that I wouldn't ever go back out with my ex, even if she didn't exist. It's nothing to do with anything like that.

I didn't have to tell DP that ex was abusive unfortunately, she picked up on it years ago when we'd all briefly had a social life together while me and ex lived together(we lost touch after this, coming back in touch more recently). Of course I have confirmed it, but some posters seem to think that I'd started seeing DP and gone to her ranting about what my ex was like and now expect her to be fine with her, but it wasn't like that. She knew from a long time ago.

I could have put this in the OP and I didn't intend to leave information out but it was so long already and I didn't predict what might become relevant.

I am sorry, I don't understand this, I definitely accept some blame, I just didn't expect this to happen and I definitely didn't expect the volatility toward me about it. My ex doesn't know how DP feels, I don't want to make things worse for anyone.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, and I am sorry for all you've been through, I also had an abusive parent, it is awful to notice how much it shapes one's life.

I honestly do not feel that I am close to my ex and I am surprised that people feel that I am. She lives over an hour away and I seldom see her. If we do talk (over text) It's rarely about anything other than the house and occasionally the dog. I don't mind her coming up for my birthday, and if it is important I didn't (strictly speaking) invite her, she just asked what I was doing for it after my last one, and said she and (business partner) would come up for it again. I didn't think much of it at the time of course.

Sorry, I did explain this in a previous post but it was never anything serious, we just see each other at events sometimes, she doesn't actively try to spend time with me.

A friend of mine's husband has just had his long-term ex girlfriend stay over for a week with them, they're all friends, I don't think everyone in the world believes that once you've split up with someone they have to completely cease to exist in your world. I don't spend time with ex often, never 'one on one'. It's mostly for practical reasons that we're still in touch but I don't want to make everyone's life (including mutual friends, her children and my own!) difficult by refusing to be myself with her and holding a huge grudge.

Uninvite the ex..any staying over should be not at your place, is this why dp is so upset? Was ex or the dp abusive to each other?
If dp doesnt settle down she can stay home too.
Some people are best left separated and avoiding the upset to start with Op.

I would never literally prioritise ex over DP in any way, but I truly did not realise this was a problem until closer to the time.

Also, if I cut ex off/start being hostile toward her I have a new host of issues to deal with. DP was aware of ex being still in my life, and I had no idea it would cause any problems especially with things such as the event I had planned. I don't like to be someone who assumes that because something wouldn't bother me, it wouldn't bother anyone else, but I would've appreciated DP being more honest about how she felt, a long time ago and without hostility.

DP also doesn't like my business partner, and I can't cut him off either for obvious reasons, nor would I want to sour relations by saying either of them can't come to things, or can't stay at my house like they have for the past over a decade. It's a hard one for me to get my head around, but I certainly will not be planning anything else like this because I have had a headache for almost a week now due to all the shouting and upset.

👌 its a typical expectation of spme types of men nowdays too...its so farked all for what...well his ego.

No, it wasn't like that, I did explain this in a previous post.

I didn't think at all that I was doing anything dramatic. Things have been fine since me and ex split, my previous DP (first one after ex) never had problems with it, all mutual friends knew we still had connections but everything was fine.

I have felt that it is a bit like this, a bit like a test. It might be that it is just so far from my way of thinking, to do that that I couldn't understand it. My DP spends a lot of time with her ex, and until things like this have happened I've never given it a second thought.I trust her and I am of the thought that if someone wants to be with you, they will be, if they want to be devious/cheat etc they will do. Telling them who they can and cannot see is not the way toward a good relationship.

This is why I organise things, perfectly put. I just like to have an occasion to laugh and have some fun, in a world where there isn't much of it! My DP lives an hour or so away unfortunately but the hotel thing is a good idea, thank you. I might even make it into a part of the occasion in itself, a hotel stay for us, and maybe DP would be happier with it.

I have heard people say things such as this before 'We work much better as friends'.

As I've said, I don't see ex as a 'friend' as such, I'd never confide in her about anything, I'd never ring her for a chat, I'd never be at a loose end and ask if she wants to meet for a coffee/wine/dinner.

Apologies, I have honestly not meant to ignore anything I was just responding to ones that had questions or something that I felt needed a reply.

As I've said, I didn't need to tell DP as such, she already had noticed things a long time ago when me and ex were still togehter but obviously I have confirmed thigns with honesty since then.

I am not sure what to say to the last bit? I am not enjoying any of it, it has been a very upsetting few days, related to something I organised that was meant to be an enjoyable little event.

I think the sort of relationship you describe with an ex is more commonly in the lesbian world and may sound odd to people without experience of it. It sounds like your ex has fallen into a role of old friend/ distant family member. The fact they were abusive makes it a bit more concerning though and if this is severe then expecting your new partner to be around this is a lot, particularly if you have told them details or used them for support. Unfortunately your new partner also seems to have a few red flags, making a drama that they will fight your ex which is pretty controlling and aggressive. An example of this is saying you can't tell your friends as it will sound controlling. That's because it is. Tell everyone they need to behave themselves and the party is not alm about them. Do not cancel. If your current partner acts badly you may want to to consider the relationship. It might be worth doing some work about why your putting up with this kind of behaviour. Have you got an exit strategy for the house eg selling up in the future. It's a bit of a worry if you're reliant on one person to pay the rent

I agree that this sounds like one abusive/controlling relationship to another.

OP you need some work on your boundaries and thinking!

I wouldn't say it was 'dilapidated', but I have other houses I rent out and it just isn't up to a standard I would be comfortable with putting on the market. It needs a new kitchen, a new boiler and a lot of modernisation.

They have just always stayed if they've been here for any reason. I didn't realise this time would have to be any different, and have only recently learned that DP had an issue with it. She was abusive, it just feels like a lifetime ago, things have been harmonious for a long time now, which DP is and was aware of. There are occasional social events which we're both at (although I mentioned the funeral, if it counts, that she didn't end up coming to, that was a very upsetting time for me as DP was so angry with me over the possibility of having to be around her) that have happened in the past.

Funerals aside, and even current DP aside, why do you invite someone you say you barely speak to when you see her in dog sitter/ tenant capacity to your birthday party with overnight accommodation in your home?

Or even to your birthday party at all?