The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Did you say "so one of us will have to move jobs then" 😅

I wonder if he was exploring your views as his senior colleague...what did you say to the super risky comment?

Good morning daters ☺️ A lot to catch up on, turn my back on the thread for a day and there’s so many updates!

@OctopusSting that made me laugh! I’m not sure how my neighbours across the road would feel about me lying across my doorstep all day though!

@Ilovelurchers I like the suggestion of asking to tweak the time for Friday night. However I feel like your heart is with Mr Insurance at the moment, he does sound lovely! And as for your other situation, I would just be honest with him and say that it’s too raw at the moment due to your own circumstances. It sounds as though (from what you e said but could be wrong) that one of your main bonds is over grief/anticipatory grief. And just remember, the inevitable will happen and he’ll probably either look to you support or he himself will be out, due to grieving.

@Nosdacariad I’ve got my “last seen” switched off. However Mr Peach has his read receipts switched off, so no blue ticks to say he’s read a message on WhatsApp. I find that a bit infuriating.

Speaking of which, I’ve pulled back from Mr Peach a bit and he’s sent a message asking why, and has said “don’t do this, I dont do one-night stands” This is obviously in reference to us sleeping together on our second date. So technically not a one night stand, but he’s becoming quite needy. I know I need to pull the plug on this but I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t want to upset him. I’ve let myself get into a situation which is too deep for me to handle. I know if I send him a message then he won’t accept it kindly and wish me well.

Still messaging Mr Tall and the chat is ramping up nicely. No suggestion of meeting yet although I have hinted.

Haven’t seen Mystery Dog Walker again despite my best efforts!

@BoxOfCats ooh that was an interesting response from him. What did you say back?

@Nosdacariad @empirebiscuits12
Yes I agree the comment was to sound out my views. I replied that it was somewhat risky however they work in different parts of the team, not closely together. That it had the potential to be awkward if it didn’t work out, but then again YOLO 😂

That was when he said it's a small team and office space, I agreed with that and we left it there. We've since been messaging about other things this evening. I do think he's at least somewhat interested, we even had a chat over lunch today about going on holiday as a single - it turns out we both want to travel to Italy next year but have no one to go with 😂

@BoxOfCats what a coincidence about the holiday 😆

It seems as though you obviously like each other but are both scared to make the first move. Being senior to him I wonder if he said it was a bit risky because he was expecting that to be the “correct” response? Someone has to make the first move and I’m here for it!!

If he won't accept it kindly and wish you well then he is not emotionally safe for you.

I don't like the tone of what he wrote.

At this point feel free to tell him you don't feel the two of you are compatible and block. Does he know where you live?

@BoxOfCats I thought the same as @empirebiscuits12 .

@Nosdacariad oh god no, doesn’t know where I live. Only the area of the city but it’s a huge area with around 3,000 residents so doubt he’ll work it out! I’m with you, I didn’t like the tone and tbh there’s been a few messages where I’ve felt like this.

I agree, it sounds a bit desperate / controlling. Best to just let him know it isn't working out and block.

Haha yes I do like him, although he’s physically not my type so I’m unsure if the chemistry would be there? I think he’s smart and funny and he comes across as a really nice and genuine person.

I’m also aware I’ve been seeing Mr Charismatic for 6 months now and I can’t seem to break away from the situationship we are in. I am definitely emotionally invested, probably far too much 🙁

Ooh I forgot about Mr C being on the scene. Remind me, he doesn’t want to commit while you do? I’ve never been in this situation so no meaningful advice to offer. I hate when things get a bit messy though

Yes, I would like a relationship whereas Mr Charismatic is putting a lot of effort into our dates but said last weekend he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Things do seem to keep changing with him though - I guess a tiny part of me hopes he will change his mind even though my logical brain says he won’t. And to add further complication, I move house next week and he lives a short walk away.

This gives me anxiety on your behalf @BoxOfCats x

This must be really hard when he’s behaving like a partner but doesn’t want to be. This would be a total mind fk for me, I don’t know how you do it.

@BoxOfCats this is exactly my predicament with Mr Mullet. I'm seeing him later this week for an event and he's already putting in so much effort for the day. I know I need to knock it on the head and go with Mr Hat but it makes it so difficult.

While I'm typing about that, any idea what to say to him, Hive Mind?

I think you're lovely and I've decided that I'm only available for a full monogamous relationship.

Then stop talking.

@empirebiscuits12i too have a real problem with the way Peach speaks to you in that message. He can't refuse to be broken up with (not that it even counts as breaking up at this stage) - it doesn't work like that.

If he has some kind of problem with ONS, it's on him to wait longer before he has sex with someone - nobody can possibly know by the second date whether they expect things to continue long term or not.

So that's something for him to reflect on hlmself - he has no right to make that your problem.

To be honest I would probably send a polite message saying you had fun but you've decided not to pursue the connection, then block him before he can reply. As recieving a load of manipulative bollocks is only going to upset you.....

This exactly. Easier said than done though! I mean, I’ve no intention of ending things with my situationship any time soon.

I definitely wouldn't if Mr Hat wasn't such a catch. He's just lovely to me and I know he's the right decision. Mullet has upset me in the past and I know that's not the basis for anything lasting.

Do you think you can carry on as they are or might you have to run to save your own skin?

@Dancemom1 Thanks ^ is this because they generally don't ask or have intentions of ever meeting?^

On my 7-10 days then meetup or never idea:

I had some interactions that just seemed to go round in circles. Ever increasing ones. Some people are clearly 'dating' without wanting to follow through to reality I think.

Some of my rules that are a bit fuzzy and I have not necessarily firmed up.

1. No sex is on the cards until meet 3.
2. Meet within 7-10 days.
3. If you have something as a Red Card, that's it if it crops up. No rowing back.
4. However, I tend to think I can often allow one hmm thing that is not Red, but two Yellows = a Red.
5. If someone has blanked or blocked me, OK reciprocate if necessary and move on. No inquest stew necessary.
6. Someone else knows where I am and generally what I am doing in the early days if I meet.
7. Have PimEyes. Google image searches are getting worse and tend to analyse clothing so far as I can see so they it can link to a sale. PimEyes (facial ID) saves being fooled by many scammers or deceivers. I pay to cut the hassle.
8. Favour Telegram. I use WhatsApp too but Telegram can be used for early messaging without giving out a number and on first contact shows the country where the account contacting you is. If things develop I am good with being more open but once a pest latches on to you they can be hard to shake off, so minimise the risk.
9. Don't do early video calls. Bad actors like to record you saying things you regret. I'm not against video calls but don't rush to them.
10. No need for loads of pictures before meeting. In my profile you see I have a face, scrub up in a dress and have a body you will probably approve of as one shows me coming out of a pool. Want one of me crossing my eyes with a pencil in my hair... OK. Spare your carp, pike or dick too thanks.
11. Confirm any meet 24 hours before and when setting out. No reply? Not wasting my time.
12. Verified profiles. Take care, some sites are verifying that they are pretty sure that the person in the profile is as they state, through official IDs or matching pic to a live video and so on. Others have got someone to stare into their phone while moving their head and an algorithm has said 'yes, seems adult'.
13. I'm not their mother. Some people are damaged beyond what I can cope with. Sorry, if the state is failing with many people's issues, I am not going to patch you up. I hope for a positive outcome from dating.

Ben [Friday} and Sven [Saturday] progress [not real names but I wanted a rhyming pair]:

I’m actually dreading Ben a bit, if I’m honest. The roof garden sounds nice, if he has located it, but I’m worried he’s going to be as dull as the rest of the architect types I’ve encountered. He’s sensible, probably has good ongoing career and pension prospects, and might actually know how to fix a shelf or draft a how to fix a shelf drawing. If his photos are anything to go by, he cleans up nice. I’m hoping that translates to not being a slob. Green flags these days are a low bar, sadly. I'm just hoping he can hold a conversation that isn't entirely about crypto or an ex.

Sven, on the other hand… I’m intrigued. He sent a voice note earlier and the accent is doing things for me. Plus the ice swimming implies a certain mental fortitude that I find attractive, but am also concerned over what it reveals. The sheer insanity of voluntarily jumping into freezing water? I imagine it requires a level of masochism, just thermal rather than erotic. If we actually get to the point of sharing a bed, I might have to worry about him trying to drag me into ‘a boutique lagoon I know’ at 5 AM. I value my warmth, so that’s a hard limit for me.

I'm stressing out a bit as I haven't heard from Mr Insurance since this morning, and he is normally a regular massager, even when working. He is at a training day today (sent me his schedule) so I guess he could be caught up in that? It ended at 6 though.

Post-schedule drinks?

I am aware I am being totally absurd over a guy I have never even met. I hate, hate, hate it when I get like this!

To make it even worse, lovely FWB has come over with pizza to watch the match with me, and he fully deserves all of my attention - though we didn't work as a couple, and he has his faults, he is a good friend and wonderful lover, and I genuinely really enjoy his company.

And instead I am stressing over some guy who may be married, a liar, a total tosser.....

Will I ever actually grow up??? I despair of myself sometimes.

@Ilovelurchers stop being so hard on yourself.

You are ace 😘😘😘

As has already been said, don't be hard on yourself. It's futile. It's a completely normal reaction to the situation. When we put ourselves out there like this, we are vulnerable and it triggers all sorts of feelings. Feel them and let them teach you something about yourself if you want.

I returned to dating after a seriously long period of being single and celibacy. I tell myself the negative emotions come with the good stuff and it means I am actually living.

@Ilovelurchers if it helps I'm getting attached to Boats who smokes which is a definite no for me. But he is so good at messaging!