The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Just realised reading that contents page that the introduction is by Joseph Needham. That’s Joseph Needham of The Needham Question, which asks why China with all its technological advancements was overtaken by previously backwards Europe. There are arguments over holding back reasons, pushing forwards reasons and the third school of it wasn’t about that actually. School 4 might be DE. Anyway, I never said anything about Sven who might be Saturday’s date.

Sven (28) I change names of course, he is not really Sven but I want him to be. ‘Sven’… hmm, ‘Sven and Lena request the pleasure of…’. Sorry, where was I? Swedish. Software something. Very tall, very blond, very Scandinavian cool. He’s got that brooding look in his photos, some are black and white shots, staring out of windows in Berlin I think. Looks like he could be cold emotionally, but probably fun to look at across a dinner table. LinkedIn suggests he is a senior backend developer for some fintech startup. That’s something I suppose must exist but am clueless about what it really means. He’s also got a photo of himself breaking ice in a lake somewhere, looking miserable but triumphant. That basically means he's insane, or Nordic, or both. He's definitely going to be high maintenance one if it comes to weekend activities. I'm not freezing my tits off just to prove I'm fun, but we have a hot summer so that is not a prospect right now, is it?

It's adorable!

I hear you. The only person making an effort with me is boats and he's in the "friend" category.

how long do people usually chat before meeting? Its been nearly 2 weeks now no mention of swapping numbers either
is this normal?

In no rush to swap numbers but two weeks is my limit.

Yes same @Nosdacariad
thanks

Yes 2 weeks seems like a maximum unless off on tour (in which case...). Other things being equal, if I don't meet in 7 to 10 days it is unlikely to happen.

Thanks @LenaFromTheNineties is this beacause they generally dont ask or have intentions of ever meeting?

I wouldn't worry about swapping numbers to be honest, and never suggest it. If the bloke wants to I MAY agree to it if I like him enough, but a few times I think it has served as a precursor to them sending inappropriate messages (because it's harder to then report them to the site and get them banned). Staying on the app does provide a degree of protection from that kind of thing, and I think the unpleasant ones are getrinf wise to that.

I do like to have a date booked in within a week of matching at most - at that point I woke probably suggest it myself if I was interested, and see what happened.

I have made the mistake of messaging for a long time without meeting before, and it can lead to a false sense of intimacy, and greater disappointment if they turn out to be very different from what I expected.

Everyone is different of course, and I don't think there are any hard and fast rules that work for everyone. You have to kind of find your own pace I think.....

So, Mr Law, who I have a date booked with on Friday night, has definitely slowed down with messages - they are now very short, and one or two a day. I can't decide whether this is breadcrumbing with a view to a slow fade, and I should now expect the date not to happen?

But I am also aware that some people on here have said they prefer not to message too much once the date is arranged, and he could be the same?

Anyone got any thoughts on how to play it? I do like him - to be honest it's only the fact that I like Mr Insurance even more, that is stopping me getting too exvited about Mr Law - out of most batches of irons I have had, he would be the definite forerunner! But the gods of OLD seem to be (briefly) smiling on me..... No doubt that will change at any moment.

Match his effort and don't go to any effort/expense unless he confirms the date 😉

I'm sort of annoyed that the date is arranged for Friday night, and also the last day of term! As if it's not happening I would quite like to arrange something else..
.

But I feel like confirming it now, when it's still days away, will make me appear a bit anxious and weird. (And even though I am a bit anxious and weird, I would quite like to keep that hidden for now.....)

Have plans been made?

If nothing tomorrow I would go ahead and plan something else.

I think it's fine to ask him what the plan is tomorrow. If no plan then you have an answer x

The thing is, there is a clear plan. Location and exact time are arranged.

I suppose I could contact and ask to tweak it slightly (move it by half an hour say). If he responds to that I will assume it's going ahead I guess. And that will give him a chance to pull out if he wants to.

(If he is luke warm I would rather not bother, and just put all my energies into obsessing about the lovely Mr Insurance!l. Who I told my mom about today and even SHE was positive about him. And if my mom likes the sound of a man, I know he is an angel who walks among us....🤣)

That's a good idea, ask to tweak it 💜💙🩷

Sorry, feel like I am dominating the thread a bit, but there is another situation I would value some advice on.

There is an iron I will call Mr Friendly - we haven't been messaging long, but he is currently supporting his nan through her end of life - sounds very close to the end, could be any day now - so he is in the hospital most of the time and inevitably has a lot of time to message.

It's quite a similar situation from the sounds of it to my dad's end of life, which was in January so still quite recent for me. So obviously I have quite a bit of knowledge I can share with him about that, just from personal experience.

The trouble is, though he seems a lovely guy, and I deeply feel for him in this situation, I don't really feel we would be a good match dating-wise. Mostly because of life circumstances, location etc, and also few interests in common etc.

But I kind of feel that maybe, understandabky, because he is in this awful situation, our connection might feel like more of A Thing for him

What would you do? I don't want to just unmatch suddenly or anything, that would seem cruel. In a way I wish we had never matched, not because I mind sending the odd supportive message, but because I don't want to create a false expectation and upset him further down the line......

Ilovelurchers If you are sure, then I think I'd send a message blaming myself, along the lines of 'I am really sorry for what you are going through & I wish you well, however due to my own circumstances right now, then I need to take a step back' Something like that.

I was in an almost identical situation to this and sent a message along the lines of it’s been lovely talking to you but I’m met someone and am pulling back from dating others to see where this connection goes. I wish you well, etc.

He sent a nice reply saying he understood and would do the same in that situation so it seemed to work well.

@Ilovelurchers you are not dominating the thread, it's literally what we are here for 😘💐

Good suggestions already - another one - you say truthfully that your Dad's death is raw for you and you are finding the chat difficult for that reason. As you'll know, anticipatory grief is real and (I genuinely think) he may benefit from professional help. Maybe don't say that bit!

Also sorry you lost your Dad. This is a lot on top of that 🖤🖤🖤

Thanks guys, some really good ideas here.

Have a great day everyone! X

@Ilovelurchers Oh that’s tricky. Firstly, although he might have a lot of time for messaging, you don’t have to respond at the same pace. You could also just be honest with him and say while it’s been good to have the opportunity to chat to him, you don’t feel you’re compatible and that you wish him all the best in this difficult time. I don’t think it’s necessary to mention anyone else.

I don’t think you need to ask to tweak it. I’d just ask “Hey, just checking in to see if we’re still on for X night?”. Perfectly reasonable thing to ask if you’ve not had much contact otherwise.

Good on you for at least getting out there with some dates though!

Work colleague Mr Social told me today that two people in our team of 30 at work have just started dating each other. This has led to an interesting chat on whether it’s a good idea to date work colleagues or not.

Mr Social said he thought it was “super risky” for them to be dating, and that it’s a small team and small office (we all sit in the same area of the office). So I guess it’s clear why the vibe from him so far has been interested but hesitant to cross any lines.