Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Thanks OP. As someone just said on Thread 2, I think its important to remind him that the summer holidays are coming up, and that he will need to make arrangements for 50% of that. Don't let him 'forget'.

I won’t be, don’t worry 😊 I do think it’ll end up being him doing his set days rather than anything else though, based on the fact he’s said he won’t change that week of annual leave and he doesn’t have loads left to use until his holidays renew in January.

And I said on last thread - do think about Christmas too .. be great if Santa is going to both houses but where do you want kids to wake up on Christmas Day ... Get in first!

What a dick he has been.

But he'll have to have them for those whole days, out of school, and be off work or have childcare for them - not just expecting to pick them up at 3.30 or whatever.

Of course he will. I expect they will be with his mum while he is at work. I hope the dc enjoy spending time with their granny. In any case, it's on him to organise.

I’m so pleased he’s sorting himself out RE: 50%.

I know it’s very early days yet and there’s a lot to work through, and I can only go from my own experience -not as a mother in this situation, my husband has children with his ex partner and when they split it wasn’t amicable, however they did have a plan agreed between them on childcare and never saw the need to get a court order. I met him 2 years later and things were still good at that time. In the passing years so much has changed which I won’t go into as it’s quoting outing, and the original agreement looks nothing like the system today, both sides have at times behaved horribly and if I ever had any advice for a person considering getting in a relationship with children is DON’T if there isn’t a clear court order, and I would urge anyone for their own sanity to get one if they divorce or separate. As much as DH and his ex love their kids their contempt for each other has led to some pretty mad decision making that’s been in their own interest, not the kids, however much they try and dress it up. I do my level best to keep things as stable as possible for the children but they aren’t mine and I’m limited (quite rightly) when it comes to any decision making. You deserve to have peace after such a dreadful time and I don’t want you to be the person who has to face interference to your schedule in 2 years time if he meets a new woman with kids of her own and starts mucking about with the rota, to fit new girlfriends rota. If he decides to move miles away and expects you to do all the driving to pick them up. If he decides to drop them back at 7pm on Boxing Day when they were meant to be back at 8am. If he decides to start arguing about the choice of schools when you’d previously agreed. If god forbid one of your children is SEN and you can’t agree on whether to allow them to be tested and appropriately supported because new GF / his mum / someone in his ear thinks it’s a bad idea. Or even just that he decides to be an asshole, just because he can. If suddenly he decides no more FaceTime for you to speak to the kids when they’re with him. All these horrible situations can be prevented with a court order, people generally think twice about messing around if there’s a legal agreement.

I skimmed through part 1, in awe at the way you've handled things OP, and was more engaged in part 3, but this is my first time commenting. I feel like this is the thread that I need to really follow as I work out how to navigate my narcissist (I know, extremely over used phrase, but it's extreme selfishness) ex, and boundaries. I so recognised your challenge of wanting to do what's right for the kids, but also being told you're being too nice by others, and too controlling by him! I have been trying to play nicely, we're nearly 2 years down the line, but I think it's about to get nasty with finances and he's going to get a shock if I need to be honest about some things. I'm scared it will ruin our fake "friendship", but if he's about to up his demands for more money then the shit's about to get real!

Ps, I've also been enjoying and using There We Are Then in my head!

You are an amazing woman OP. He’s about to get a reality check, his 50% is his. For him to sort, plan and pay for.

I agree with other posters, I think you are going to have to remind him that he needs to find AND FUND childcare during the holidays on his days. He might be relying on you to have it in place already and he just has to fund...when he has the spare cash 🙄

@mummy917 does his mum work or is she available and willing ad hoc ?

I completely agree. Always get it court ordered. I have seen it with people I know who have amicably arranged their own agreements but then it goes horribly wrong when other partners enter the picture. Also, get it court ordered what happens when the children are sick. Eg if it's changeover day and they would normally be in school - who has them if they aren't well enough for school? Will you drop them off at 8:30am or will he pick them up at 3:30pm? Will school holidays be treated similarly. Remove the ambiguity, get it court ordered and stick to that.

Thank you for all your advice again, it’s invaluable 😊

I was really hoping we wouldn’t need to drag this through the courts but I suppose I just have to wait and see what happens with this rota now he has agreed to it. I am hopeful that when he does meet someone in the future, and especially if they are a mother themselves, they will support the agreement we have in place. Although ultimately it would be on him if he tried to mess about with it because of a woman, as he is an adult with a tongue in his head and has the ability to speak up for himself and our children.

I have made him aware that if he needs childcare through the school on his days, then it can all be done through parent pay in terms of paying, and he would just need to speak to the school’s secretary to arrange the days he needs.

I know that through the school holidays too his mum will be looking after the kids on his days if he’s at work. She is retired so has already told him she is available to look after them.