Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Thank you 😊 I’m trying to remain as level headed as I can be, and I won’t lie I am finding it harder and harder as the time is going on. I just feel like none of it is fair on the kids. They never asked for their family to be blown apart and to have to get used to this new way of life. Breaks my heart when I think about them having to have separate Christmases etc.

You are doing so well, well done OP.

Do you think he’s already found someone? Or just that you don’t think he’ll hang around finding someone new?

Eventually in the future, once you feel ready to date again it will be interesting to see how he reacts.

I genuinely don’t think he will care if I find anyone in the future.

And I’m not sure if I’m being honest. At times I still think he potentially already has someone and has for a while (the not acknowledging a missed FaceTime from the kids until 1am), but if he hasn’t, I don’t think it will be long before he does have someone else. I’d say by September if not before.

If he does, for the kids sake I hope he doesn’t rush into introducing them to the kids. They are going through such a big change, throwing in a new girlfriend too, isn’t going to help them.

No I completely agree and he has said that he wouldn’t do that, but at this point I don’t particularly believe much he says anymore.

Just following to offer my support op x

In you original post , cant remember if you posted your kids age etc , and I'm not asking you now but , if he has got someone then I'm sure your eldest ones would soon mention a new person they are introduced to .
If he tries to convince them to keep quiet about them - then more shame on him .

I’ve posted this previously but you can minimise the impact for the children based on how you outwardly respond.

I have a former neighbour who after her split for years, said regularly to all of her friends that her ex H ruined her life by leaving. Their now adult children absorbed this oft repeated message and now the DC say the divorce ruined their lives.
Knowing that family made me reframe the message I gave my DC. I said truthfully that I would have kept working on the marriage. However although it was not what I wanted, my ex H wanted to leave and in fact I felt it would make little difference, as he was never around lots anyway. The result is that my DC, the eldest especially says she doesn’t understand why people make so much fuss and she didn't notice a huge difference.

The point is that DC generally take the lead from us. So Christmas needn’t feel so sad, you can say Father Christmas may come twice, or plan to add a new Christmas tradition where you invite friends around for games in the days before or afterwards or something.

You’ve already framed things well by saying it’s fun to have two houses and you can continue to influence how they perceive it.
I know you’ve a lot on your plate, but any chance of a small new pet at your house or new sand pit or similar as a sort of positive association with this new chapter?

Yeah we have been honest with them from the start that this wasn’t my decision or what I wanted but sometimes these things happen and tried to put as positive a spin on it as possible.

I will keep making things as positive as I can for the kids. I’d already thought about saying Santa visited both houses etc.

I genuinely don’t have the time realistically to bring any type of pet into the house at the moment but looking at a toy or activity they could all get involved in is a good idea, thank you.

You'd be surprised.

If he doesnt want you, well thats life you will just have to get over it (in his view). But finding out that you dont want him either and have happily paired up with someone else, that is a massive blow to his ego. Men like this like the thought of us still pining over them, its almost like an insurance policy in their heads "Oh I can always go back to her". And then they find out that no, actually they can't. The double standards can be mind blowing! Ask me how I know.....

I think even if his Mum thinks he’s a delight, the fact he’s walking around with a half finished tattoo and hasn’t been able to get things for the house will show her that is not a fully fledged adult and take what he says with a pinch of salt…
Deep down inside I’m sure she realises he’s been a twat. I know parents usually side with their children but if one of my sons when grown behaved like your ex has, I’d be deeply ashamed and would be telling him to get a grip!

Wonder if it will be the half finished twattoo or that mummy helps him parent his children that the new woman (who is bound to turn up) will find attractive? 🤔

Or the inability to even buy nappies for children…
He should have to walk around with a warning sign attached 😂

Rooting for you OP. Keep being strong xx

I have often thought that men like this should be labelled.

In The Scarlet Letter the adulteress Hester has to have a scarlet A on all her clothes. In their case I think it should be ICCK for I Cant Care for my Kids. Unfortunate pronunciation, or perhaps not!

I don’t think I’ll ever know what his mum really thinks of the whole situation, maybe that’s for the best.

I said in one of my previous posts that I don’t think he will find it hard to find someone new (if he hasn’t already). He’s got the gift of the gab and knows how to make you feel special. All a bit icky to me now but it’s definitely what made me interested in him when I met him.

After a shower tonight, I didn’t put my wedding ring back on and instead have put it in a box in a drawer. It feels very odd and I don’t know if it’s the right thing but I can’t help but think that I had to do it at some point?

My MIL of almost 25 years never spoke to me after I left my ExDh. She died about 5 years later and my ExSIl told me she had said she was sorry she never spoke to me but she felt bound by loyalty. She asked me to attend the funeral which I did.

Taking off your ring is a big step, well done you for being brave. I’m sure it must hurt, but you are right, you have to do it at some point and I’m guessing he already took his off a while ago.

Have you decided when you are going to start the divorce yet, or are you going to let him make the application? I believe the benefit of you starting the process is that you can control the timeline a little more.

This reminds me of something and takes me back to the "he wont care if I am dating" thing.

Mine, who was removed for abuse but was also cheating, was hugely affronted when I took my ring off. Demanded to know why. I remember thinking that he really must be dead from the neck up, something I have long suspected! When I pointed out that he had been taking his off to cheat on me, he said something to the effect of "Oh you cant wait can you?" implying I was after a new man and/or a slut. Again, the double standards!
I think his "logic" was that with my ring on I was less likely to get hit on but with it off I am obviously available. I pointed out our best couple friends werent married and didnt have rings but that was different apparently.....yeah sure mate. Control.

He is still wearing his wedding ring, or at least was when he was dropping the kids off on Sunday. I honestly feel guilty for taking it off and it makes me well up when I think it may possibly hurt his feelings. I don’t understand where this emotion has came from tonight.

I think that’s awful what your husband said to you @PyongyangKipperbangespscially as he was cheating on you, abusive and continued to take his ring off so he could cheat!

I haven’t gone any further with the divorce yet although I did start the application, just haven’t paid anything yet. I feel as though I want to get the ball rolling but have people in real life in my ear regularly, telling me I shouldn’t be the one forking out for it as it wasn't me who made this decision or blew our lives up. So I don’t know if I’m being too soft to just pay for it because a part of me also thinks he won’t magically say he has found the money for it within the next month or so either.

“don’t understand where this emotion has came from tonight.”

It’s come from decades of that being important- mustn’t hurt his feelings! Partly because you didn’t want to as is natural with someone you love. However I suspect there’s been a bit of quiet control/manipulation- that if he’s happy everyone is happier, and if he’s upset then everyone suffers. 💐

It’s natural to feel upset by it and for it to make you feel emotional. Honestly, you have to do whatever feels right for you, go at your own pace. For now your ring is off, however in the morning if you change your mind, that’s okay too. You are doing so well and you deserve to put your needs first on this choice. Don’t feel bad about upsetting him though, he obviously doesn’t care about upsetting you. I doubt he’s even checked in once to see how you are coping, or how you are feeling.

I’m surprised he was still wearing his ring as of yesterday. To be honest i assumed it would have been off a while ago.

With regards to the divorce, I suppose there is no real rush. I can understand the desire to get him to pay for it as he’s the one that’s chosen this route.

Come on now. He isn’t the gem really. He’s unlikely to want more children, is selfish, unstable, self-absorbed and a proven flake. On the other hand you’re amazing, purposeful, resolved, have fortitude and integrity. My BFF had a stepfather whose wife had 4 children. They were very happy and a dream team. Her mother was a tower of strength. Like you.

@mummy917

I feel as though I want to get the ball rolling but have people in real life in my ear regularly, telling me I shouldn’t be the one forking out for it as it wasn't me who made this decision or blew our lives up.

Yeah well, they aren't the ones having to deal with his bullshit and/or any shenanigans he decides to pull. Nor are they the ones living in 'limbo'. Filing (and yes, paying for) the divorce puts you in control and able to forge the path you want. You would be being pro-active, not re-active. After all, unless he's in an all-fired hurry to get married again (which I doubt) there is probably no real 'benefit' to him to file for a divorce. He's already living his bachelor life, he's not paying maintenance, he's not having worry right now about you making any claims on 'his money', and he's in complete control of his finances and can spend at will. Why should he file? On the other hand, you want an access & maintenance order, you want to get finances settled and receive what you are entitled to under the law. And you want the house issue 'settled', too. So who should file? The one who wants to be able to truly establish their new life with no 'unknowns' as to their financial future.

^ This.