Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

😂 - one of us at least must be having a new patio laid and can help a girl out. And to think he has no idea he’s so universally hated on the internet 🤣

@mummy917 What he’s done re the mattresses is awful but he’s also done you a favour by being so blatant about it because now you’ll never give him money again, and you’ll just keep the children with you any time he can’t cover what they need. If he’d strung you along about repaying you, you might’ve been tempted to pay for other things.

Additionally he hasn’t paid for the three weeks he was in your house IIRC. Add it onto your claim OP. What a shit he is.

You can hold your head up and know that at every turn in this sorry saga you have done what is best for your kids, while Twattoo has repeatedly proved what a useless selfish arse he is. Don't beat yourself up for hoping he'd make some effort to live up to his responsibilities towards his kids - now you know better and can adjust accordingly.

You did it for the right reasons OP, it's not your fault he is behaving like this. I agree with PPs that this may not be such a bad thing, as the lesson has now been learned early on in the process. It could've been much more expensive later. Also, he is clearly too stupid to realise that he is handing you so much documented evidence of his twattery. You may find that very useful in future.

Not having a new patio, but can offer use of an old carpet.

I like to imagine all the MNers, who virtually attended the moving out day, lined up along the street, silently glaring him down and causing broken wardrobe karma.

What shall we do now?

This. And it is a clear statement that you want the divorce to happen, and that there is no going back. It’ll be the best £500 you’ll ever spend. In any case, this is peanuts if you think of all the assets that will have to be split.

Yikes…he’s such a loser. And his kids will find that out soon enough. And they’ll probably not want anything to do with him anymore. And he’ll be a sad, lonely, bitter old man whose family don’t visit.

“Better start saving for that home help now asshole because no one’s coming to visit a wanker in the old folks home”.

Also, of the solicitor can establish he needed those mattress and you bought them for him with the intention of it being a loan then that will be taken into account at divorce time presumably.

You have learned a valuable lesson and in the end it will be cheap at the price. When he makes any promise to you in the future you are just going to shrug snd say “oh a mattress promise!” When he says “what??” You will say “Its no promise at all. When you tell me you will pay me back or do something to make it worth my while I know you are lying. So no. I won’t agree to (whatever).”

Sorry to hear he’s being such a t**t. I agree add it to a list to inform your solicitor; type it up and put it in a file of accounts owed so it’s listed and dated and taken into account in the divorce settlement. At least you know to watch your back and to formalise everything re finances and agreements as he’s shown you who he is and how he’s going to act going forward.

He really is an utter twat.

At least now you know for sure you cannot trust a single word he says.

@mummy917

Breathe. You are doing great. Defo chalk this up to experience, and valuable at that!

You were not wrong by giving him the benefit of the doubt. He needed to show you how he’s going to be behaving and now you know, but you needed to experience it to really learn it.

Thankfully you’ve got it in writing, the agreement to pay back and the refusal - great! I know it doesn’t help you financially now, and things must be tighter, but you can add to the financial settlement as others have said.

I love the ‘mattress promise’ idea! 😂

This will shape how you trust, or don’t, him moving forwards. Absolutely better to know now than him string you along and being unreliable but keeping you dangling for months more, like others have also said, that may mean you would still help and half expect him to pay you back eventually. Don’t underestimate the anxiety and stress from that. Now, it’s very clear moving forward, that clarity is useful.

He’s going to take months to learn and grow up into being a financially responsible adult, if ever, so just make sure you don’t get dragged down with him.

He’s waking up to the fact his new life isn’t a bed of roses and things haven’t turned out how he imagined. He’s probably now got less disposable income than he’s ever had and ironically more responsibilities. I doubt he did that much actual hands on childcare before, I’m sure you did the majority of it, so even the small amount he’s doing now is a shock. As things aren’t going how he wanted, obviously it can’t possibly be his fault, or that he’s made a mistake, therefore he has to find new ways to constantly villainise you and push the blame on to you. You requesting money for the mattresses is you being controlling and trying to limit the money he has in his eyes. It’s just his way of having a massive tantrum. Whah, whah, whah, it’s not fair, how dare you not help me out more whah, whah, whah.

He's shown you exactly who he is, and in writing too.

I love the new phrase 'mattress promise'. Lets all start using it. 😁

One thing I would be wary about is that at the moment I imagine you receive the child benefit for all 4 children and I think you’ve mentioned you are now entitled to a small amount of Universal Credit. I believe you’ve also said you are also slightly the higher earner. He might not realise it yet, but by doing 50/50 he is technically entitled to claiming the child benefit for two of the children and also therefore I imagine some Universal Credit too. This would obliviously affect your claim.

My hope is that as he’s so clueless he won’t realise this, especially as I doubt he’ll pay for legal advice for the divorce. However it is something you should keep in mind and try and keep meticulous records showing that whilst you both technically have 50/50, you actually perform far more of the mental load, doctor’s appointments, dentists, school issues etc so are therefore really the resident parent.

“I’ve run out of money so I can’t have the kids this weekend unless you supply nappies, money for food etc”

”sorry to hear, you can leave them here this weekend and hopefully you’ll have budgeted for next time around”

call his bluff on this - while the kids will
initially be disappointed (if he goes through with not paying for them) at least you will know they are properly fed and watered.

There We Are Then indeed!!

Wow so he literally just said "I'm not paying you back and there's nothing you can do about it"? You're a bloody saint OP and part of me really wished you'd just let rip on him even though I really applaud your ability to keep your cool.

Yes it’s taught me a very very valuable lesson and shown that I absolutely cannot trust him in any aspect.

I will bare that in mind re child benefit and UC.

If he hasn’t got what they need then no, they will be staying here and he can lump it! No more mattress promises from him 🤬

I don’t know how I managed to keep my cool either, I think it was because I knew that if I lost it, he’d twist it round in some way to make it my fault. I told him last night that I find it quite embarrassing the way he’s handled this and I feel shame for him. Funnily enough he didn’t like that either.

He's an arse and is showing his true colours. I think telling him that you feel shame for him and it's embarrassing how he has handled things is a great response. Of course it would have been great to lose it with him but saying what you did was excellent. I can imagine he didn't like it 😅😂.
Also, you can highlight this recent debacle as a great example of why you won't be helping him the next time he can't manage to sort himself out.

I'm sorry to admit OP, I thought this short-lived civility may have resulted from his mum having a word in his ear after doing the bulk of the grunt work, but Twattoo, the mattress lothario reverted to type pretty quickly.

I’m sorry but I love the name ‘Twattoo, The Mattress Lothario’. It’s a great name and the best thing is he’d absolutely hate it 😂🤣

You have tried so hard to keep things amicable but now that he has shown you EXACTLY who he is, believe him.

Not sending the children when he next says he has no money is actually falling into his trap. He's calling your bluff and thinks you will step in every time and provide what is needed. Going forward, every single time he says he hasn't got this/that, you say "I'm sure you will figure something out" and send them as planned. Remind him this is the reality of the 50:50 he wants.

Yes, he’s really shat in his own nest now, hasn’t he? Do you think he said that for the pleasure of denying you and demonstrating that you have no power to “make him do anything”, or because he’s stupid shortsighted enough that he just didn’t think it through that you would not be minded to help him out in future?

@mummy917 expect him to be similar over child arrangements. He’ll ask for favours but never ever return them, unfortunately you will have to stick like glue to your arrangement and never ask for changes because he will use that to mess your plans up if he can- spiteful behaviour like this can be a real weapon these men use. My ex would do petty things like “forgetting” that he was bringing our dc to a party at a friend of mine’s house, or being late enough to spoil the event and ruin her and my pleasure in it. Or short-notice dump her on me “I’ve been asked to work and [his] mum can’t have her” so that I had no choice but to change my own plans. By this I mean turning up at my home with her and literally driving away even as I protested. Don’t expect high standards of behaviour even where your children are concerned.

I'm sorry you had to put up with that, but your response was brilliant.

We're all embarrassed and feel for you too, Mr. Twattoo the Mattress Lothario.

What a superb response to Twattoo the mattress lothario. I’m in awe of your composure and dignity OP.