Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Acrossthepond giving excellent advice here.
Get the twattoo out of your life. Out of your will, and off your pension.
Divorce is money well spent for you in this case.

Taking off your ring brings the reality that it is all over, the future you had envisioned isn’t going to happen and the person you thought would put you above everything hasn’t, so it’s totally understandable you’re upset removing it.
You’re grieving really for everything that’s happened and your emotions will be all over the place.
I would try not to put it back on or second guess yourself/worry about his feelings because as you say it’s better that it comes off at some point, and he hasn’t cared about the meaning behind those rings/vows at all anyway.
I would get the ball rolling with the divorce, yes you will lose out fees etc however he’s made it clear he is going to be hopeless with money, getting a divorce now he has moved out is not going to be high on his priority list.
He doesn’t need to be divorced to enable him the freedom to do as he pleases, being separated will be enough until someone else manages to catch his attention enough for him to listen to their complaints about him still being married to his ex.
Better to be the narrator and writer in this next part of your journey so you can control the story x

Do you think he would ever file for divorce himself? I’m just wondering if it won’t go forwards unless you lead on it. I’m questioning what would actually give him the motivation to get up and file himself, given what you’ve shared about him. You deserve the closure of a divorce 🤗. Your solicitor can help you ensure that you don’t spend more than your fair share on the legal fees

My friend got herself a freedom ring after her divorce

he will get engaged to some sucker he thinks will look after his kids for him, and the someone new will realise he never got divorced if you don’t do it for him. Wouldn’t that be terrible😁😁😁

@PetulaGordeno I know, it's going to be a lot for her...and she may end up seeing her son in a new light if he proves as useless as he has been so far. What a mess.

Yeah another reason I wanted to get the divorce moving is because throughout this whole situation, I feel as though I’ve had no say or made any of the decisions at all. He decided he was leaving, he decided he wouldn’t move out to his mum’s until he found a house. So I want to feel as though I’m taking back some control of my life by getting the divorce moving. When I told him this a few weeks ago when I started the application, he said “so this is about control.” It’s like he missed the entire point of what I was saying to him. I’d had no say in my own life at that point for 2 months.

She will find it hard to look after all 4 of them, however my eldest is helpful and will keep one twin entertained while the other is getting their nappy changed for example.

I really like the idea of a freedom ring, such a good idea!

Removing your ring and proceeding with the divorce yourself are big steps to untangle yourself from this man. You've been so strong and held your head high whilst he has tried to control and manipulate the situation.

Unfortunately I don't trust that he's going to stick to your agreement regarding the children as he's clearly selfish at his core.

Whether it's about control or not is irrelevant, you do what's best for you because he definitely has!

It’s such a hard thing to finally do, but I know I need to do it. I feel pathetic for feeling this way after everything he’s done and put the kids and me through.

Paying to get the divorce going is an investment. It will cost you in the short term but will be worth it. It puts you in the driving seat somewhat.

He won't like it because he likes to be in control.

OP you are so strong, your kids are lucky to have such an amazing mother.

Please give yourself some grace, it’s not pathetic to feel the way you do, it’s completely natural and understandable. The majority of people in your situation would feel exactly the same as you. You have been so strong and it’s obvious your every move has been with the children at the forefront of your mind. Every step of the way you have put them first, they may not realise it yet but your children are so lucky to have such a caring, loving Mummy.

At the end of the day you are still at the very beginning of this journey and it’s okay to take things at your own pace and doing what feels most comfortable for you. If you’d feel happier filing for divorce, file, if you’d rather wait and make him do it, wait. Don’t be swayed by people in real life or on here, do what feels right for you and if you need to take more time to think about it, take that time. Luckily there is no house to split and I believe you can update your NHS pension/death in
service beneficiaries without processing a divorce. It might be worth writing an updated will too (if leaving the money to your children I believe you can leave it in trust until they are older and you can appoint trustees too - it can be your parents/siblings etc if you don’t trust your ex to be responsible with their money). All that can be done without actually filing for divorce, if you’d rather wait but still protects your assets.

A woman will appear soon, I’m pretty certain of it at this point. If I’d lost my head with him completely, he’d have only thrown that in my face. Can read him like a book.

If there had been an OW in the wings throughout all this, the reality of his new situation may not be very appealing. He is no longer forbidden fruit, which tends to take the shine off for both parties, plus 4 young children 50/50 will deter a LOT of women, particularly if that means his Mum spends half the week at his house!

Agree with PPs that paying for the divorce is an investment in your future, keeps you more in control of the timings, moves you out of limbo and will help to obtain the necessary access and maintenance orders. You could always sell your wedding ring to put towards the costs.

Divorce is always a horrible business and a stressful time, so it's best to rip the plaster off and get it done and out of the way. It also allows you to finalise arrangements and to make a new start and free yourself.

You are right to keep a detailed record of his contact time and overnights. The likelihood of him actually doing 50/50 is slim.

This!

I know in the grand scheme of things that I’m still at the very start of everything. I’m undecided on what to do in regards to the divorce. I know I want to feel as though that part of things, I’ve actually had some input into it, and I am leaning more towards that than thinking he should pay for it as this was what he wanted.

It is all in my to do list about changing things on my life insurance, beneficiaries etc.

I have been looking at freedom rings this morning after someone suggested it and it is something I am going to treat myself to once the divorce is finalised.

Please prioritise your will / life insurance etc.

This is going to sound horrible and it is not meant to be, but
most of us do not know when we are going to die, many people die through/from accidents rather than illness/old age.

Unexpected accidents like a gas explosion in a house you are walking past - rare I know but it has happened. Or a driver having a heart attack and the car mounting the pavement killing people on the pavement.

A friend of mine took a lot of her old jewellery - gold and precious stones (especially guilt gifts from her cheating ex) and got them re-modelled into something new and beautiful. She called it her f-off ring and wore it with joy and pride. It was expensive, but she said it was better than selling the jewellery at a ridiculously low price, or leaving it in a drawer and coming across it periodically and allowing it to reignite her sadness or anger.

You're doing great - keep going one step at a time. Plan ahead and then make the right decisions when the right time arises.

Read from the beginning - can't really be anything I can add.
Wishing you, and your children, all the very best for the future.
I had a beautiful wedding ring. I sold it. Felt it never brought me any luck when I was wearing it, and didn't want it in the house. Also, didn't want my daughter to inherit it for the same reason.
Wedding dress also gone (✂✂probably should've recycled it✂✂)
Never heard of a freedom ring - perhaps buy one and wear it now. Don't mention it - then, if he asks what it is, you'll have the pleasure of seeing his reaction.💐

I think you should start a “tip jar” and every time he says or writes the word “control” you should throw in a pound. Extra points if you let him know. As you know its just a form of control on his part. Laugh at him publicly, say “oh great my tip jar is really getting full” and he will be absolutely shocked and defanged.

You could also treat yourself to a lovely necklace...

Or a bingo card! A screenshot once on your phone that you can cross off and every time you get a full house you buy yourself a treat.

Bingo card:

• Controlling
• This is why I left
• Finally put myself first
• Need to focus on myself
• Need a break
• So glad I left
• You always try to tell me what to do
• Can I borrow...?
• I didn't know....!
• Lend me ...... please

Ha ha there’s literally only “need to focus on myself” that he hasn’t said to me over the last 3 months 🤦‍♀️

I have thought about selling it down the line when I feel more okay about something like that.
I took my wedding dress to the tip the day before he moved out and that was hard, but it felt right as I didn’t want it in the house either.

Does anyone want to set up a go fund me dor
the Op - I would happily contribute to buy her this… 🤣🤣🤣

Hahaha that is amazing 🤣🤣🤣

I think we’d all contribute to this if we could 😂