struggling with my university-age son's boundaries when he comes home

[lurchersforever]

I am struggling to adjust to ds and the changes to our relationship now he is an adult and away at university but home in the holidays. I've always considered us to be close but something he said when I picked him up from university threw me and I would like an outside perspective on it. I think this is a bit waffly as I'm trying to give context.

As soon as he got in the car at pick-up, he said there was a non-negotiable for when he is at home. He said I wasn't to make a fuss about unimportant things and gave an example from when he was home for Easter and I questioned him at times about how he was spending his time and other fairly trivial stuff he was doing. He said that can't happen. I said while we were on non-negotiables he would have to help out at home over the summer and he said that was fine and he gets that but that if he didn't it wouldn't have the impact of stopping us having a functional relationship in the way it would if I kept up my behaviour. That seemed quite nuclear to me.

I get where he is coming from. I do get anxious about things (I have sought help for this) and really struggle to stop myself from spiralling if I think, for example, that he is making bad choices or that something may be wrong that he's not telling me. I'm divorced and he and ds2 spend 4 nights per fortnight at their dad's and always moan but pretty good-naturedly nowadays about going there. Dad does no parenting really so everything has always been on me.

Neither ds has ever given me any real trouble at all - excelled at school, good friends etc. I'm not that strict on chores but they do stuff I ask generally speaking notwithstanding a bit of nagging sometimes being needed. Ds1 is at Oxford and I know has worked incredibly hard this year, as he always does. He's had some great feedback, thinks the exams went well and tutors are mentioning post-grad already and have recommended some reading/home learning specifically for that over the summer, though he's only done 1 year.

He had a part time job while doing A levels and last summer - it wasn't huge and was based at his school in the canteen etc so he can't do it now and he doesn't plan to work. He says the cricket team he used to captain will pay him a bit to umpire and he may be able to get some shifts at their bar. Other than that he will be doing the home-learning and we are away for a couple of weeks in the summer. But he'll be home for more than 3 months so this is what I struggle with. But I know he's not lazy and he says he doesn't need money from me as he has saved some over the term (I top up loan and he has some money from GPs etc, Oxford is quite cheap). He has never asked for extra money. But I know there will be times when I say wtf are you doing? How does this fit with his non-negotiables?

He has also started now and again commenting on how snappy I was when the dc were young. Like I'll say something like how long it is taking in a shop and he'll say 'Oh, if I had said that when I was 7 you would have been like..' and then exaggerates me 'blowing up.' He is laughing at these times and being OTT but I'm starting to think he is looking back and thinking I was a shit mother and we will soon have no relationship. I did my best but I have a stressful job and I have no doubt I wasn't always as patient as I could have been but I also feel we had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time together. He never went through the being in his room all day phase so despite his busy social life we've spent so much time together talking etc. He also struggled at Oxford in the second term and had a lot of essay crises which meant a lot of 3am phone calls and tears, which obviously I supported him with.

What does all this mean for our relationship? I feel a bit sad and daunted. I think he wants to be treated like an adult but isn't quite there and I don't really trust my judgement.

Your son, whilst entitled to his privacy is coming home to be part of a household, not dominating what goes on within it. Your expectations that he muck in and do what’s needed whilst he’s home are realistic. Respect the times when he’s maybe disinclined to talk. He’s been away from home and is used to his independence, it’s a balancing act I suggest.

I think he’s started up an open conversation and actually that’s a brilliant sign for your relationship.

Nothing is “non-negotiable”, it’s your house! But your DS is trying to move the relationship onto a more adult footing which is right at this stage of his life.

I would try really listening to what he’s saying without being defensive, it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to attack you.

Sorry op i’m not 100% sure i understand.

What do you mean when you are asking him ‘wtf are you doing’? That he’s not doing enough in his summer holidays? You’re worried when he goes out? What’s your issue with what he’s doing or not doing?

You could tell him you’ll do your very best to do as he has asked but you’re not perfect and can’t change overnight. Thank him for being open with you about how he feels.

Young people often go through a separation stage where they move between adulthood and teenager hood at this age and it can be very frustrating. Don’t take things too personally, try and give him his space and don’t let up on expecting him to do his bit to help while living at the home you are fully financing for him. I’m sure he’ll come through in a year or so as the lively young man you know he really is.

I think it's time for you to reflect on how your anxieties have impacted his life. He's living away from home and fending for himself. It is courteous to inform people when you'll be home (approx time) and possibly where you're going (vague area) so they know when to expect you and where to find you if needed.

However it sounds like you've perhaps been interrogating him with "WTF are you doing?" type conversations.

Also perhaps worth trying - Tell him you trust him totally to do the right things for him (even if you’re not always sure) because he needs to hear that right now and has never given you reason not to trust him.

My DS will have nearly 4 months off (last exam at the beginning of June, back to uni late September). He has lined up an internship and he'll be working full time during that, but it's only for 6 weeks, so that leaves 2.5 months when he expects to do pretty much nothing! I guess it's because they're used to having a carefree summer holiday every year. Like yours, mine has worked hard during the year and got a 1st so I'm prepared to indulge him a bit, after all they've got their whole lives ahead of them to work. However, I would struggle if mine didn't have the internship and didn't plan to work at all. Maybe you're giving him too much money if he can afford not to earn all summer?

I think he's right that you need to stop fussing over him and let him make his own decisions. He's trying to lay down a boundary, he may not have expressed it very well but try not to see it as him "going nuclear". You need to let go and accept that he makes his own decisions about how to spend his time etc.

You're absolutely right that he needs to contribute to the household, stay calm but firm on this.

When he brings up the past and you feel he's being a bit unfair, try to counter it with happy memories. Do you remember when we went to the fair etc.

This stage can be tricky as they are negotiating their way towards adulthood.

he’s happy to help in the house. That’s great.

the fact that you mention you get anxious and spiral sometimes about him being lazy and you ask him what he is doing - it’s possible that this is something he finds quite difficult.

he’s at Oxford. He’s bright. His tutors are talking about post grad. In the scheme of things this is massively successful. Most young adults don’t like people on their back about getting jobs, what they are doing with their time etc and it sounds like you may have been doing a bit of that.

for what it’s worth I went to Cambridge and the terms are seriously intense. If he’s got enough money to not work over the summer and rest and get ahead for next year that sounds like a good thing.

at this age, coming home for the summer is optional, one of mine moved out for uni in year 1 and went straight into a flat share over the summer (he liked London a lot more than my boring village in the middle of nowhere) and didn’t move back at all. I visit him now.

You e really got to stop with the “wtf are you doing” conversations.

I have a Dd of a similar age and I don’t make those sort of comments. I don’t give advice unless asked for. She is quite sensitive and tends to interpret any such advice as criticism and nagging.

so apart from maybe a general question of “how’s things going at uni” I keep everything else to neutral topics such as weather, national news, tv programmes. I let any other conversation be led by her. If she is venting about something rather than jump in with advice which I used to do I ask her “do you want advice or do you want to vent”. Previously I used to offer advice which I felt was natural as I was trying to help. But I think she felt this was me being controlling and was stressing her out more.

Your son is an adult. I think one good thought to keep in your head when talking to him is “would I say this to a friend of mine”. To some extent anyway. I would nag Dd if she hadn’t stacked the dishwasher for example!

He sounds like the model son to me! Let him do what he’s doing.

It sounds like your anxiety stresses him out. Maybe being away at uni has made him realise this.Listen to him op.This is a good opportunity to improve your relationship .He sounds like he is doing really well so really try and let him make his own mistakes.

You mentioned your DSs going to their Dad's and that they don't always go. How old is DS2? It seems like maybe you encourage them to go when they don't want to, which I would not bother with at all now, it's not your problem.

Take a bit of a step back now and drop the rope a bit. I think he is likely being too hard on you and will come around again as he becomes an older adult.

Why would you need to say to him ‘wtf are you doing’, even once?

I assume he came back at the end of Michaelmas and Hilary when the necessary readjustments - for both of you - took place. Students at Oxbridge have a compressed and intense education; now he needs down time.
He’s responsible and sensible whilst you appear to see yourself as the manager of his time, of his future success, the sole engaged parent, the worrier who will maximise his opportunities, prevent him making mistakes. It seems to me he has it all organised and planned.
Back off. Give him some freedom to grow.
Above all, stop berating yourself. He knows your positive influence but is trying to contain it as he becomes, rightly, increasingly independent of you.
Relax, detach and enjoy his company.

Your son has been living independently for the last year, making his own decesions and functioning as a grown up. Basically he wants you to respect this, and not treat him as a child, or to judge him. He’s happy to partake in household stuff, and said he’ll get paid work where possible.

“What does all this mean for our relationship? I feel a bit sad and daunted. I think he wants to be treated like an adult but isn't quite there and I don't really trust my judgement.”

Why sad and daunted. Be proud you’re raising a mature, young, man. As dc grow older, relationships do change and you have to respect this. You may not think he’s an adult yet, but he’s been living as an adult away at uni. Basically he’s asking for you to recognise this.

Why don’t you just spend some time together going through the house rules together if he wants to live at home as an adult. All the rest is up to him.

He is a young adult. He's trying to set some what sound like reasonable boundaries with you, it's your job to listen and do your best to take them into consideration. He's at Oxford university, they work incredibly hard and if he wants to sleep til 12 and laze about all day every day of the holidays what's the harm? As long as he does the chores you ask him to do, his time should be his own.

I don’t really get why you concern yourself with what he is doing as long as he is pulling his weight with chores etc
He is an adult, up to him how he spends his time

I’d back off a bit but I’d pointedly remind him about the 3am phone calls about essays and how he may wish to pipe down and show some respect if he intends to live in your house. And that showing respect is a “non-negotiable”. Tbf when I came back after first year of uni I was insufferable too and thought I knew it all and had figured out all the parenting mistakes my mum had made (she did make some actually but doesn’t everyone). Then I grew up a bit more and realised how I was still super dependent on having a place to stay during the holidays and decided to temper myself a bit.

I think I might have left a child at university if they opened with “non-negotiables” when I picked them up. But he is an adult now and would he appear to be a capable one. So that is how you have to treat him.

I have a similarly aged son and I think it is important to remember that they are not a child that needs your input into everything. They are a reasonably competent adult who occasionally wants to talk things through with you- albeit one that would still like a roof over the heads provided and their dinner cooked.

It’s SO tricky to negotiate these years, when they come home from uni for the holidays!
My dd is in her second year, we are very close, but when she comes home there is always a period of adjustment as we get used to each other again!
When she came home after her first year, she was at times an insufferable brat, now she’s older she’s a lot better.
Keep going, it gets easier, and you are doing a fantastic job.

I think you take his ‘non-negotiables’ on board and come back with a few of your own. He’s got a lovely lazy summer ahead of him and he doesn’t quite know it all yet, despite his youthful confidence.

I agree that you should just let him get on with it. If he lazes around all summer, so be it, as long as he tidies up after himself and is considerate.

Obviously he wants to be recognised as an adult and one way to do that is to be honest about the difficulties we encounter through life, as parents, work, relationships etc. He might have come back thinking he knows it all but he doesn’t. I don’t mean in a “my life is so difficult!” dramatic way, I mean in a casual conversation that highlights how you’re happy to take a step back and are grateful he’s now mature enough to for you not to have to worry about him. That you can now have proper conversations with him, perhaps even speak about your own hopes and dreams for yourself now they’re becoming adults. Life is stressful though and I think perhaps he needs to shift how he sees you too!

There is nothing wrong with what he has said, it does sound like your anxiety has had a negative impact on him growing up and everything has been dominated by your need to control, if you don’t step back and stop he might not come home again. He’s an adult, he doesn’t need you quizzing him and demanding answers. I’d find it very hard to live with you.

Mine still live at home in their 20s and didn't go away to university so different situation but I realise that the transition to being the parent of adult children can be tricky. You are still in a parental role which feels normal to you, but they are changing fast and it can seem intrusive to them. More so I imagine for them if they've been living away. I have had to step back and recognise it is their life to lead and their choices to make, and just because I'm the mum, it doesn't mean I have the final word or can intervene or judge. My concerns can be seen as none of my business. It sounds like he is just pre-empting this in your case. Having expectations is good re household duties but nagging is bad (and he won't care about them anywhere near as much as you do) so my policy is to be appreciate when they help out or get sone shopping or whatever.

Otherwise, let him do as he likes, as long as it doesn't directly impingement on your peace/ life.