struggling with my university-age son's boundaries when he comes home

[lurchersforever]

I am struggling to adjust to ds and the changes to our relationship now he is an adult and away at university but home in the holidays. I've always considered us to be close but something he said when I picked him up from university threw me and I would like an outside perspective on it. I think this is a bit waffly as I'm trying to give context.

As soon as he got in the car at pick-up, he said there was a non-negotiable for when he is at home. He said I wasn't to make a fuss about unimportant things and gave an example from when he was home for Easter and I questioned him at times about how he was spending his time and other fairly trivial stuff he was doing. He said that can't happen. I said while we were on non-negotiables he would have to help out at home over the summer and he said that was fine and he gets that but that if he didn't it wouldn't have the impact of stopping us having a functional relationship in the way it would if I kept up my behaviour. That seemed quite nuclear to me.

I get where he is coming from. I do get anxious about things (I have sought help for this) and really struggle to stop myself from spiralling if I think, for example, that he is making bad choices or that something may be wrong that he's not telling me. I'm divorced and he and ds2 spend 4 nights per fortnight at their dad's and always moan but pretty good-naturedly nowadays about going there. Dad does no parenting really so everything has always been on me.

Neither ds has ever given me any real trouble at all - excelled at school, good friends etc. I'm not that strict on chores but they do stuff I ask generally speaking notwithstanding a bit of nagging sometimes being needed. Ds1 is at Oxford and I know has worked incredibly hard this year, as he always does. He's had some great feedback, thinks the exams went well and tutors are mentioning post-grad already and have recommended some reading/home learning specifically for that over the summer, though he's only done 1 year.

He had a part time job while doing A levels and last summer - it wasn't huge and was based at his school in the canteen etc so he can't do it now and he doesn't plan to work. He says the cricket team he used to captain will pay him a bit to umpire and he may be able to get some shifts at their bar. Other than that he will be doing the home-learning and we are away for a couple of weeks in the summer. But he'll be home for more than 3 months so this is what I struggle with. But I know he's not lazy and he says he doesn't need money from me as he has saved some over the term (I top up loan and he has some money from GPs etc, Oxford is quite cheap). He has never asked for extra money. But I know there will be times when I say wtf are you doing? How does this fit with his non-negotiables?

He has also started now and again commenting on how snappy I was when the dc were young. Like I'll say something like how long it is taking in a shop and he'll say 'Oh, if I had said that when I was 7 you would have been like..' and then exaggerates me 'blowing up.' He is laughing at these times and being OTT but I'm starting to think he is looking back and thinking I was a shit mother and we will soon have no relationship. I did my best but I have a stressful job and I have no doubt I wasn't always as patient as I could have been but I also feel we had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time together. He never went through the being in his room all day phase so despite his busy social life we've spent so much time together talking etc. He also struggled at Oxford in the second term and had a lot of essay crises which meant a lot of 3am phone calls and tears, which obviously I supported him with.

What does all this mean for our relationship? I feel a bit sad and daunted. I think he wants to be treated like an adult but isn't quite there and I don't really trust my judgement.

He sounds like an entitled twat tbh. He's had a very cushty lifestyle and now he's away with a lot of other privileged people they've had to sit round and find SOMETHING that makes them feel hard done by. And he's chosen you, OP.

My son gets the train back so does that mean he isn’t going back to mummy’s house and is just going home?

He sounds like he had a difficult, anxious dm growing up whose behaviour has impacted his wellbeing and he's asking her to try and rein it in a bit.

This is one of the few times I would be relaxed on him not working much. Oxford is intense during the term and in most subjects he will just have done his prelims. So he isn’t if way through courses he needs to revise for.

If he is looking to a city career next summer will be internships. And most other holidays he will have exams at start of term. So this is the last time for a long while he doesn’t have exams hanging over him on a holiday. So if he can find himself I wouldn’t be insisting on full time work. You know he has a good work ethic already.

I think it shows that he trusts you and feels safe with you. He talked to you right away about it when he got in the car. Even if his way was abrupt and clumsily, he communicated. He’s young, he is trying to tell you what he wants that’s all. I’d see that as a good sign, he wouldn’t tell you if he didn’t feel safe or trust you.

i am No contact with my parents and I can tell you I would never ever have spoken to them the way he spoke to you, because I didn’t feel safe and I didn’t trust them. I would have pretended and told them what they wanted to hear and snuck around their control.

I think this can open up a conversation between you both and deepen the relationship. I don’t think it means it’s breaking down, I think it’s just transitioning a bit.

My gosh. When did we get to the stage where parents are being told what to do by their kids?

'She needs to back off with the anxious mothering, but he needs to back off on his bumptious posturing. They can meet in the middle.'

A good summary

from his POV, he might have felt that he wanted/needed to say that stuff and was afraid that if he didn't say it then and there, he would lose his nerve?

Then he needs to get a job and go somewhere else for the summer. He's just rude! We all have parenting fails but op managed to support him to get to oxford and he's happily taken all of that with both hands. My dm annoys me after a few days, solution was to get a job and a flat, not to make demands and 'non-negotiables'.

OP your son is at Oxford. He's doing well. He captained a cricket team. I mean, the kid is hardly a waster. Give him a break. I would hate someone standing over me asking how I'm spending my days.

Sounds like a great kid so pat yourself on the back OP! You also sound like a lovely mum. We can all acknowledge I think we aren’t always perfect parents and patience was sometimes lacking. Kids (even grown up ones) need to also understand their parents are human beings with imperfections too. I would just laugh off the ‘you used to lose your temper’ stuff, ‘Yes I wasn’t always as patient as I would have liked to of been, I’m sorry! You know I love you and I’m always here for you.’ Try and bite your tongue on the small stuff, young adults are by nature, a bit lazy and self indulgent I think!

That jumped out at me, too. It feels an incredibly controlling way of putting it. Whatever happened to ‘this is important to me’ or similar? I’m all for having, setting and respecting boundaries, but done in a spirit of openness and respect, which I don’t believe the son did.

I don’t necessarily disagree with what he said beyond that, but his approach would have rankled.

The relationship is changing, he is not a child and doesn't want to be nagged or hovered over any longer.
He's had time away from your anxiety and gently, he has noticed the difference.

Have a conversation with him where you ask for some grace as you get used to the new dynamic. Admit faults quickly to show him you are learning and trying.

Acknowledge to him that you understand where he's coming from, and that you will try your very best to allow him the adult relationship he's asking for.

Get professional help for your anxiety if it still is an issue.

So he’s just saying leave him alone and don’t pester him about what he’s doing with his time in the holidays? I don’t blame him. He’s an adult. Can do what he likes, surely?

As long as he mucks in around the house, the rest of the time is his own and his own to take responsibility for.

If you back off and give him space, I bet your relationship will be a lot healthier.

I mean he’s clearly doing well. He’s at Oxford. Going places. Give him a break.

This quote is perfect. Both DD and DS went through a phase of being very judgy about my parenting when they were 18/19 - I think they have to do it as part of the separation process. They’re now mid twenties and have done a complete turn around. Both have separately and sincerely thanked me for everything I did (and do!) for them. It’s like they have to get some distance and life experience to realise they have had it pretty good!

Like other posters I think it says a lot for your bond that he’s trying to have a convo about this. But he also doesn’t get to dictate what is negotiable while under your roof and presumably not paying rent/food. If he’s smart enough to do a PHD he’s smart enough to understand that!

Have you trampled over his boundaries before? Is that why he’s chosen the strong arm approach of this is non negotiable?

I think children of any age should be able to tell their parents if the parents behaviour is upsetting them. And good parents will listen and reflect on whether it's reasonable.

Do you think a dynamic where the child can't speak up and just has to put up with the way they are treated is preferable?

It's like that parenting classic - Get Out Of My Life: but first take me and Alex into town.

Having uni kids home for the summer can be tough as everyone changes during the year and tensions can easily appear. He’s come home from uni a bit full of himself. You need to have a proper chat. First he doesn’t get to dictate his non negociables, because he is living in the house you pay for. However he is a young adult and there are negociables that can be discussed in a respectful way. Mocking you isnt respectful, nor is criticizing your past parenting. Explain to him how hard it was being a single mum. Remind him he has hard times at uni too. We all have times when we don’t act our absolute best under stress. But overall I assume he had a good childhood and should appreciate what you’ve done for him. From your side try and take a step back from having a view on how he spends his time. As long as he chips in around the house and doesn’t ask for money it’s up to him if he’s productive or a lazy arse. You’ll find after uni he’ll wind his neck in and appreciate that working and paying your way is a bit harder than he realised.

Well I would give all visitors to my home a lift there from the station. Regardless of who it was.

Oh wow, I didn't expect these responses!

I have to defend ds in that, although he said it as soon as he got in the car, we had already spent some time in his digs finishing his packing - the attic room he had was lovely and characterful but had no room to store suitcases so I had to keep bringing them back and fore empty. So it wasn't the first thing he said to me but I think the poster is right that he had been thinking about it and wanted to get it out sooner rather than later, which makes me feel bad to be honest. I can be a nightmare with questions. He didn't use a rude tone in fairness either.

I have no reason to think he would go out and not say goodbye or refuse to give me an idea of where he's going and likely time back, but obviously he's an adult and plans can change. I don't mind that so much. I struggle with when he's home and perhaps not doing much and I keep thinking shouldn't he be getting a job/working instead of just trusting him, which really I should do. I just find it really hard to not find something to worry about but I know I just need to keep it to myself more.

I don't force them to their dad's - they find him a bit useless but are happy enough to go now but if they weren't I wouldn't force it.

I think I need a strategy for when I feel the anxiety mounting when he's lazing around, which he is perfectly entitled to do now and again as he's inherently not a lazy person, but I really don't want to wreck the relationship.

I'm struggling to get a proper handle on what his issue is. Is it that while he's home in the summer you're likely to ask him what he's doing daily with the suggestion he should be working or helping out in the house? But that he'd rather relax and do the reading that uni has given him? That sounds pretty normal.

It's frustrating as the parent to see children that age have the longest summer holidays of their lives and not use them as we'd want to. 3 months off with no responsibilities? The things I'd do with that time now if I could do it all over again!

But we also do need to let them choose their own paths and as long as he's doing some learning, some working, some socialising, some volunteering and some helping with the household chores, then it's fine if he wants to have lie ins.

Or is this about not wanting to tell you when he'll be home? I'm currently living with my parents while we have work done on our house and it's mad that I have to let them know when I'll be home BUT it's not because they're controlling, it's for practical logistical reasons - like how many people will be home for certain meals and how much food needs cooking or who's responsible for putting the dogs to bed and locking up the house.

If your son's got used to not having to tell anyone what time he's home or where he's going, maybe he feels like he shouldn't need to tell you. And maybe you are anxious when he's out out (I have teens, I get it) but frame it for him as "what time to you reckon you'll be back, no rush, I just want to know in case you need tea / if I need to leave the front light on, hope you have fun".

Household chores wise, it's just about being part of a team, it's not a parent bossing around a kid, it's about being polite and helpful.

There's also an element of your post that makes me think he's just going through that stage of entering into adulthood where he thinks he's looking back on his childhood as an adult but really he's not yet got the perspective or experience in a caring role or as a parent himself to really understand the challenges and stresses of parenting, especially as a single parent. Rather than rock the boat on that front though I'd just quietly roll my eyes to myself and let him. You know what it was like to be you at that time. You'll have had good intentions.

He'll have been talking and comparing lives with his new peers and the grass is so often greener.

Enjoy your summer with him but ease off on any pressure you maybe unknowingly push his way. Arrange a couple of fun trips, events or meals out with him and let him be the rest of the time.

It sounds like you don't have much to worry about considering his achievements. However, I wouldn't overly worry about the comments as this therapeutic narrative, pathologising ordinary human experiences is the language of the day. It is pretty ordinary to feel slight discomfort at the new set up i.e. he's been away from home, lived independently and now has to return to the family home that he perceives won't afford him the same lifestyle. I mean, he's right really but that's just a discomfort and he's making it out to be a problem created by your mental health issues that you have personally failed to address, hence bringing up childhood. The reality is, we well all fail at some point in life, including your son and this culture of self optimisation is toxic and very damaging to familial relationships. He is objectively clever so hopefully he will have enough imagination to understand this one day.

Let him enjoy the time off, you never get that again when you are working full time! I definitely wouldn't appreciate someone questioning how I spend my spare time after living independently.

I also have a mum who "fusses about unimportant things" and I am very careful on what to tell her as an adult so I can live a quiet life. It was the same when I was at uni about 10yrs ago. On the other hand when I tell her about things that I think are important she isn't always bothered. It's worth remembering everyone's idea of what is worth time/energy is different.

He is right. It’s not ok to hassle an adult “child” on minor stuff re: how they are using their time.