struggling with my university-age son's boundaries when he comes home

[lurchersforever]

I am struggling to adjust to ds and the changes to our relationship now he is an adult and away at university but home in the holidays. I've always considered us to be close but something he said when I picked him up from university threw me and I would like an outside perspective on it. I think this is a bit waffly as I'm trying to give context.

As soon as he got in the car at pick-up, he said there was a non-negotiable for when he is at home. He said I wasn't to make a fuss about unimportant things and gave an example from when he was home for Easter and I questioned him at times about how he was spending his time and other fairly trivial stuff he was doing. He said that can't happen. I said while we were on non-negotiables he would have to help out at home over the summer and he said that was fine and he gets that but that if he didn't it wouldn't have the impact of stopping us having a functional relationship in the way it would if I kept up my behaviour. That seemed quite nuclear to me.

I get where he is coming from. I do get anxious about things (I have sought help for this) and really struggle to stop myself from spiralling if I think, for example, that he is making bad choices or that something may be wrong that he's not telling me. I'm divorced and he and ds2 spend 4 nights per fortnight at their dad's and always moan but pretty good-naturedly nowadays about going there. Dad does no parenting really so everything has always been on me.

Neither ds has ever given me any real trouble at all - excelled at school, good friends etc. I'm not that strict on chores but they do stuff I ask generally speaking notwithstanding a bit of nagging sometimes being needed. Ds1 is at Oxford and I know has worked incredibly hard this year, as he always does. He's had some great feedback, thinks the exams went well and tutors are mentioning post-grad already and have recommended some reading/home learning specifically for that over the summer, though he's only done 1 year.

He had a part time job while doing A levels and last summer - it wasn't huge and was based at his school in the canteen etc so he can't do it now and he doesn't plan to work. He says the cricket team he used to captain will pay him a bit to umpire and he may be able to get some shifts at their bar. Other than that he will be doing the home-learning and we are away for a couple of weeks in the summer. But he'll be home for more than 3 months so this is what I struggle with. But I know he's not lazy and he says he doesn't need money from me as he has saved some over the term (I top up loan and he has some money from GPs etc, Oxford is quite cheap). He has never asked for extra money. But I know there will be times when I say wtf are you doing? How does this fit with his non-negotiables?

He has also started now and again commenting on how snappy I was when the dc were young. Like I'll say something like how long it is taking in a shop and he'll say 'Oh, if I had said that when I was 7 you would have been like..' and then exaggerates me 'blowing up.' He is laughing at these times and being OTT but I'm starting to think he is looking back and thinking I was a shit mother and we will soon have no relationship. I did my best but I have a stressful job and I have no doubt I wasn't always as patient as I could have been but I also feel we had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time together. He never went through the being in his room all day phase so despite his busy social life we've spent so much time together talking etc. He also struggled at Oxford in the second term and had a lot of essay crises which meant a lot of 3am phone calls and tears, which obviously I supported him with.

What does all this mean for our relationship? I feel a bit sad and daunted. I think he wants to be treated like an adult but isn't quite there and I don't really trust my judgement.

Breathe for 10seconds and say to yourself "he's fine!".

It's not long in the great scheme of things, and downtime is invaluable to someone with intense learning. He really doesn't sound like a child to worry over. You could encourage him to go for walks with you if he's really just stuck in his room for hours or something.

I would check that lip of his though, make sure he's not picking up nonsense from uni.

This puts it amazingly well. I also went there, and my parents at the time (a long time ago) encouraged me still to prioritise the study workload over jobs in the holidays, while at home. It did not do me many favours for actually hustling to go and find a longer term job outside the dreaming spires after university. I wanted to stay there, really, and work within the university, which I did succeed in doing, in a few guises, but even then, the experience is very different from how it is as a student.

He will know this on some level, and it should become ever more evident, but: all through A-Levels and university, I would say that most of the time everyone has your back in terms of supporting your study and abilities. But the study skills are probably your major strength, refined over a few years, and are the thing that you find easy to immerse yourselves in and to harness to the pattern of the terms. By the time you search for, and go into, work, that big wave of support breaks. The softer skills and grit are equally as important. No-one will be as interested in what you read and how you took it apart as they are when you were being taught. Things have to be managed for longer than 8 weeks at a time of 'run and rest and run again'.

The things he is thinking about (umpiring and so on) sound to be a good plan if he can arrange them - they may be more 'agile' than the few options available. But try hard not to nag him, let him find out whether they are that easy to come by. I also hope he might decompress a bit in a couple of weeks and fit more cooperatively back into the relationships at home.

The length of your op, the amount of detail you give, the tangents you go off on - all indicate to me that you are a quite an over-thinker and worrier. It's extremely tiring having to accommodate someone like this when you're living in close proximity and your son (maybe a little flippantly) has given you a heads up about this. You (one) absolutely do have to make huge adjustments as your children get older.

@lurchersforever , I agree with this post. However please take care reading this thread, because I imagine it may send you off down various avenues of worrying or over-thinking.

Take it as a way to see how things may have been for your DS, and try and focus on appreciating how close your relationship is despite that. This in itself shows you got much more right than wrong over the last nineteen years!

"He also struggled at Oxford in the second term and had a lot of essay crises which meant a lot of 3am phone calls and tears, which obviously I supported him with."

He just means Oxford is bloody hard and relentless -- the terms are short but there's not a second to breathe and now he needs some breathing room. He's asking you in what sounds like a fairly good-natured way to not interrogate him about what he's doing, which sounds fair enough to me.

I know grown adults who sit in the passenger seat of their partners car.
It doesn’t make them childish.

I assume OP enjoys picking him up and enjoys having her child in their own home.

I think it sounds as though he’s going fantastic and I’d be so proud if it was my child.

OP has said that she has issues and is getting therapy and so you know that she is quite difficult to live with.

I think him seething ground rules about her going at him is fine.

Perhaps you could get yourself some therapy to deal with your anxiety.

Oh yes pointed reminders of stressful snd embarrassing moments of dependence are always welcome! Absolutely great idea!

I think I need a strategy for when I feel the anxiety mounting when he's lazing around, which he is perfectly entitled to do now and again as he's inherently not a lazy person, but I really don't want to wreck the relationship.

Perhaps you should start by figuring out why his lazing around creates anxiety in you - what are you concerned about.

I’m assuming this anxiety stems from your own childhood or perhaps abusive relationship and so you really need to figure out why you have such an issue with it.

He is in full time university and is going to have to work full time for potentially the rest of his life.
He will never get another chance in life to just laze around and be carefree.

Let him enjoy this freedom whilst he’s still got the chance.
Before you know it he’ll be working full time, stressing about paying bills, having kids and aging health issues etc.

Let him do him x

Lordy, where is the balance here?! Folk saying you must 'rest' during the break from university? What on Earth? A few weeks, a month maybe, but what is wrong with a part-time job? Sounds like the OP's son could be doing with experiencing normal life- I love PP's analogy of Oxford being like Narnia & you come tumbling out of the wardrobe 👏.

DS1 has just finished his degree. RG & he's got a very high 1st in a STEM subject (very heavy contact hours)- he worked a 12 hour job throughout. DS2 is similar & working part-time this summer (has 4 weeks off in August to travel, for 'rest'). Some of his mates are working full-time!

However, OP should chill a bit & give him more freedoms. All you need to say when they're off out is 'Will you be home for dinner?' That's enough, so food isn't wasted. I also have had a key safe outside since they were at secondary school, works great for everyone. They also both know to mention if they'll be out all night/ have a friend nipping over/ staying. I still have found the odd body emerging of a morning, but that's grand & I just pop some more toast on.😀 OP does need to chill, they're young adults & you'll only have a good relationship going forward if you unclench!

It is really difficult to adjust to treating your children as adults but so important to do so.

My son & I really struggled with this - I could see ways that he was going wrong and wanted to give him advice and he really did not want that - he wanted independence and to learn though his mistakes.

Hard as it is, you have to treat him as an adult, so no 'telling him off' or letting him know when you are worried about the small stuff.

It is great that he is telling you what he needs, your job is to respect that and do your best to adjust. You can tell him that you are trying your hardest and will he let you know and forgive you if you slip up sometimes.

He's talking to you just now, so continue with what he's saying, discuss the past, your behaviour and responses, you don't have to make a big deal or be defensive, agree you went too far, and you wish it had been different. Discuss and talk it through, let him tell you how it made him feel. Be adult and hear what he's saying, you can't fix the past but you can agree it could have been different. All of that can stand alone and be seen as a good conversation.
Telling you how it is, how you can talk and subjects he won't get involved with, probably will change after your initial talk about your previous reactions. If your both open and honest and willing to hear without reacting.
But it's your house, he can't call the shots, that too needs discussed but it sounds like he's trying to work through his feelings towards your reactions, it can and hopefully will work out, denial and defense really escalates problems at this stage. Good luck

@PineappleSunrisehe’s needed a fair bit of parental support to be fully organised and capable of the academic demands of Oxford, otherwise he wouldn’t have been having 3am essay crises in the second term, for which my had to support him in the middle of the night.

This is a brilliant reply! OP, I was all set to think he was being an entitled twit, but then I read your comments on your anxiety. It is hard to over emphasise how wearing this is for the people around you and it sounds like your son, a very smart young man, does not want you to continue to be over-protective, micro managing or projecting your anxiety on to him. Because anxiety feels so necessary for the people doing it, you will feel like your judgement is superior. But he’s clearly told you he’s ready to take full responsibility for himself. It sounds as if you’ve done a fantastic job raising a mature and kind son and now is time for a more adult to adult relationship.

I suspect your internal unresolved anxiety is discharged externally as micro-managing, judgmental behaviours which are experienced as ‘controlling’ or overbearing by those in the line of fire.

Your DS sounds very well balanced. He’s worked had and is choosing to restore and reset in the summer doing and being around the things and people he loves - he has squared this with having already balanced the books financially for himself.

He has found his own agency to speak up on expectations and boundaries and how he sees his relationship with you transitioning. A next step would be for this to be a mutual, respectful, reciprocal exchange.

I think him reflecting on his childhood experiences and how events, interactions impacted him is healthy as is him feeling comfortable expressing that to you. IMHO the important piece now is that you accept his experience without feeling attacked or jumping to be defensive - because that will be counterproductive to your relationship. Accept how he felt and how he reflects and accept that none of us were the perfect parent at all times.

It seems he has emotional grown significantly. Can you be proud of that and let go and then work for your own personal growth in supporting you anxiety which seems to cause you to be reactive and maybe considered irritating or controlling by others?

Hmm. And what else has been happening?

This sounds like AI.

Bottom line is it’s perfectly possible to come home from uni, even Oxbridge, and remind your mum that you’ve grown up and don’t need fussing over without coming over as a pompous twonk.

I certainly managed it - but I drove myself there and back in a cheap car I bought for £500 and never did it occur to phone my mum in tears during an essay crisis, let alone lecture her. But by the time I went to uni I’d lived abroad for a year.

I'm surprised everybody thinks the way your son spoke to you is fine - I would be really unhappy, angry in fact, if someone I have a loving relationship with tried the threaten and manipulate me like that.

He is insisting you behave as we wants you to (don't challenge any of his choices) and is threatening you with the withdrawal of the relationship if you don't comply.

I don't like men who bully wonen like that. I don't like anyone who bullies anybody like that.

And he also seems to think he can tell you that your "non-negotiatbles" are less non-negotioable than his. Because why? Because his word is law now?

I'm all for compromise, but this isn't compromise. This is his way or the highway, and yet, amazingly, he intends to live rent free on your house, financially dependant on you, while he imposes his will on you?

I hope it keeps fine for him ......

Hes not looking for you to fund his holiday, hes willing to do house work and he just wants you to rein in your anxiety about him not having much to do?
You need more support for your own mental health, its very sad that he feels he has to tackle this with you. Deal with your own issues before your DC move on without you.

Not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult?

”5th Week Blues” is a well known phenomenon in 2nd term for first year students at Oxbridge - when first term novelty has worn off, work load is high and it’s the middle of winter -when a spike in burnout, loneliness and emotional crisis are reported so much so that the colleges have a proactive programme. Be glad your DS reached out in stress and didn’t suffer or spiral in silence. Good luck to you both.

You sneak that word "independent" in there as though that means he isn't an adult. But what you're saying there is that OP is buying the right to be controlling towards her son.

If she doesn't want to pay for him to go to Uni, she should say so. If she wants him to pay his way at home during breaks, she should say so. She shouldn't provide financial support and think that imposes an obligation on him to let her control his life when she doesn't like where he is taking it.

@ClayPotaLot No it means he’s not independent which is what it says. At no point did I say OP “is buying the right to be controlling” or anything of the sort.

You did. You didn't use that phrade but your reasoning is that the OP is in the right to think she gets to direct his life as he is financially dependent on her. That is saying she can buy the right to be controlling.

It's extremely short sighted and even perhaps a bit entitled of him to assume taking a whole summer off won't backfire spectacularly on him when it comes time to apply for internships and then a career level job after graduation.

Don't listen to those here saying his exceptional Oxford brain needs three months of decompression time.

If you're at work all day then he needs to see to everything around the house while you're out. Laundry, meal planning, cooking, cleaning the house - all his until October. Big of him to offer to 'help out'...

He can fit in his summer study around those tasks and perhaps learn to manage his time better by so doing, so you won't get quite as many 2am essay crisis calls next term. (And if he does call, please promise me that your solid night's sleep is your non negotiable, so you're going to put your phone on silent).