struggling with my university-age son's boundaries when he comes home

[lurchersforever]

I am struggling to adjust to ds and the changes to our relationship now he is an adult and away at university but home in the holidays. I've always considered us to be close but something he said when I picked him up from university threw me and I would like an outside perspective on it. I think this is a bit waffly as I'm trying to give context.

As soon as he got in the car at pick-up, he said there was a non-negotiable for when he is at home. He said I wasn't to make a fuss about unimportant things and gave an example from when he was home for Easter and I questioned him at times about how he was spending his time and other fairly trivial stuff he was doing. He said that can't happen. I said while we were on non-negotiables he would have to help out at home over the summer and he said that was fine and he gets that but that if he didn't it wouldn't have the impact of stopping us having a functional relationship in the way it would if I kept up my behaviour. That seemed quite nuclear to me.

I get where he is coming from. I do get anxious about things (I have sought help for this) and really struggle to stop myself from spiralling if I think, for example, that he is making bad choices or that something may be wrong that he's not telling me. I'm divorced and he and ds2 spend 4 nights per fortnight at their dad's and always moan but pretty good-naturedly nowadays about going there. Dad does no parenting really so everything has always been on me.

Neither ds has ever given me any real trouble at all - excelled at school, good friends etc. I'm not that strict on chores but they do stuff I ask generally speaking notwithstanding a bit of nagging sometimes being needed. Ds1 is at Oxford and I know has worked incredibly hard this year, as he always does. He's had some great feedback, thinks the exams went well and tutors are mentioning post-grad already and have recommended some reading/home learning specifically for that over the summer, though he's only done 1 year.

He had a part time job while doing A levels and last summer - it wasn't huge and was based at his school in the canteen etc so he can't do it now and he doesn't plan to work. He says the cricket team he used to captain will pay him a bit to umpire and he may be able to get some shifts at their bar. Other than that he will be doing the home-learning and we are away for a couple of weeks in the summer. But he'll be home for more than 3 months so this is what I struggle with. But I know he's not lazy and he says he doesn't need money from me as he has saved some over the term (I top up loan and he has some money from GPs etc, Oxford is quite cheap). He has never asked for extra money. But I know there will be times when I say wtf are you doing? How does this fit with his non-negotiables?

He has also started now and again commenting on how snappy I was when the dc were young. Like I'll say something like how long it is taking in a shop and he'll say 'Oh, if I had said that when I was 7 you would have been like..' and then exaggerates me 'blowing up.' He is laughing at these times and being OTT but I'm starting to think he is looking back and thinking I was a shit mother and we will soon have no relationship. I did my best but I have a stressful job and I have no doubt I wasn't always as patient as I could have been but I also feel we had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time together. He never went through the being in his room all day phase so despite his busy social life we've spent so much time together talking etc. He also struggled at Oxford in the second term and had a lot of essay crises which meant a lot of 3am phone calls and tears, which obviously I supported him with.

What does all this mean for our relationship? I feel a bit sad and daunted. I think he wants to be treated like an adult but isn't quite there and I don't really trust my judgement.

This is a tricky stage.

They may step away from the home and realise it was quite a stressful environment at times, as families are. Mine have told me my shouting was awful when they were young, the teen years in particular, and I wish I had been different during those times as well.

That said, he doesn't rule the roost. It's your house. So, polite respect all around is needed. No need to quiz him on everything, but if he gets too bolshy, just remind him that you love him, but he doesn't have to be there in the holidays if he prefers to be elsewhere.

Your relationship is changing from him being the child to being more adult, but he's still young and often this comes out a little difficult or immature to the parent.

This is just a stage though.

I find it helpful to have my own life, my own friends, live independently, do things to calm myself down/control my emotions more and love them but in a more distant way.

Supporting them through the hard essay crises and then backing right off afterwards and them flying the nest is normal though, it's a learning curve for them too. My dd says 'I have to remember it's your first time on this planet, too, Mum' when it's all gone a bit wrong between us and I think that's something you can both understand.

Or he is talking about his home relationships with peers and discovering that his “normal” is not like everyone else’s. That was my BF’s experience at uni: until we became friends she’d never realised that being shouted at by your parents over fairly minor issues wasn’t just how all families worked. It was quite painful for her to recognise that she didn’t like her family dynamic and didn’t want to repeat it in her own future.

She gets on well with both her parents now (over 30 years later) but she did have to get them to recognise that they let their own marriage miseries and personal anxieties spill over detrimentally into their relationships with their children.

I agree it’s common courtesy to say bye to someone when you leave the house and to let them know if you know you won’t be back. But it’s also fine to go out without knowing when you will be back and not need to say where you are going and when you will be back

Does he? He sounds like a future red flag for someone. Listing his non-negotiables and saying they will prevent him having a relationship with his mum but that hers won’t. Nitpicking on her previous behaviour to the point she is on edge.

If this was her boyfriend not her son we would all be cautioning her about his attitude and entitlement.

Quite the read ,he dosent wan to be questioned on his decisions as is his right at his age . IF he makes a mistake he's a big boy and will learn form it . Maybe he finds you overbearing. He doesn't need parenting any more a d aslong as he stays respectful in your home and his decisions a d plans don't directly affect you your household or finances then I'd relax a bit and not overthink it.

@lurchersforever

"which he is perfectly entitled to do now and again"

You seem to have been a good Mum, if somewhat anxious (by his given example)

You are not, now, the guardian of what his life should look like.

Let him fly, we only have our children for such a short while, this is his next stage, becoming an adult and advocating for himself.

Please take on board what he is asking of you, transition is always difficult, especially for a parent but he is no longer a malleable young one and will not just blindly accept your direction.

All that is required of you now, is an adjustment, seeing your son as no longer a child but as an adult on an equal footing.

If you respect how he wants to walk his path, without helicoptering, you'll be absolutely fine, the love you have for each other is there, that's obvious.

If he’s 18 he’s an adult and perhaps you might point out that he should not be helping at home but assessing the situation and doing what is needed. Otherwise hi is future partner in ten or twenty years will be on here complaining that he won’t parent and expects banners and trumpets if he so much babysits his children or stacks his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. BTW I haven’t read the whole thread. I’ve had children at oxbridge and have hosted their friends in the summer and enjoyed seeing them unwind.

OP, your other posts show you are indeed massively anxious. Listen to your son; he seems smart and well-raised. Let him be.

I struggle with when he's home and perhaps not doing much and I keep thinking shouldn't he be getting a job/working instead of just trusting him, which really I should do. I just find it really hard to not find something to worry about [...]
I think I need a strategy for when I feel the anxiety mounting when he's lazing around, which he is perfectly entitled to do now and again as he's inherently not a lazy person, but I really don't want to wreck the relationship.

You have identified the issue, and identified what you need to do: you need a strategy for when your anxiety is triggered by seeing him "not doing much".

Just keep telling yourself: as long as he does his fair share of chores, it is absolutely none of your business how he spends the rest of the time.

Perhaps put some clear guidelines in place for the chores, e.g. a rota for which one of you cooks the evening meal (with the expectation that X times per week you will be sharing a meal). Have a discussion to make sure you are both on the same page and have crystal clear about expectations that you both agree to.

Do you want him to do cleaning jobs, like cleaning the bathroom?
Do you want him to take on a responsibility for something like the gardening?
Be really clear in your own mind what you would expect from another adult sharing a home, e.g. a flatmate or lodger, and therefore what you expect from him as an adult, in terms of household tasks.

Apart from that, you need to find ways to back off and let him do nothing much with his time.
What strategies might help you?

At this age we are here to advise and guide not dictate . My kids are fairly open with me I give them my thoughts and support whatever decision they make even if it makes me inwardly cringe and think that won't end well . It show they learn and also how you encourage them to remain open and transparent with you . When you constantly question your giving him anxiety and it's suffocating. He will have changed being self sufficient at uni and he probably does not want to revert back to a kid when at home .

I think I need a strategy for when I feel the anxiety mounting when he's lazing around, which he is perfectly entitled to do now and again as he's inherently not a lazy person, but I really don't want to wreck the relationship.

Good idea. That would be beneficial for both of you.

"Bumptious posturing" - exactly correct @Aluna. Oxford (I went there) tends to have that effect. It's like Narnia. You feel like a little king or queen while you're inside the quads - albeit one who has to cope with thermonuclear workloads - and then term's over, you tumble back out of the wardrobe, and you're just a plain human being.

This can be disorienting. Hence the laughable attempt to establish "non-negotiables" while riding in your car, at your expense, going home to your house. Deep down, he needs a feeling of special power in order to cope with the terrifying pressure that he has to endure while he's in college. He's scared of letting it go.

A good antidote to this is to earn money alongside other plain human beings. I'm guessing that - like many Oxford undergrads - he finds the idea of doing this a bit icky. But by the sounds of things, this is what he needs to do.

Summer study btw is normal, for all undergraduates, not just the extra-clever ones - college exams ("collections") are at the start of each term. Factoring in family time away plus revision, there absolutely should be time for him to pick up a few shifts somewhere local. Remind him that future employers - yes, even the fancy-pants ones he no doubt expects will snap him up - will expect to see student summer work.

Little kings are a pain to live with, and most get their comeuppance in the end: if you take, it turns out, you have to give. See if you can gently remind him of this, before life does.

It sounds like you keep nagging him about getting a job. Honestly I wouldn’t. When I was at uni none of the other students had jobs. While they spent evenings and weekend socialising and bonding, I was working. Eventually I got pushed out of the friendship group as I was missing all the events due to work. I had quite a miserable time.

i have very few regrets in life but giving up my student life for £5 an hour is one of them. There is plenty of time to make money later, it sounds like he is clever and confident as he is studying at Oxford and has the assertiveness to tell you what for. He has a bright future. Let him enjoy his youth.

@Aluna and @earlyr1ser both very interesting and illuminating perspectives which I hadn't even considered tbh.

Pause for thought, thank you.

I thInk he’s clumsily asking you to treat him like an adult and leave him to make his own choices. I wouldn’t have liked the mild threat about him not contributing to the household is not as important as his wishes being respected. Fuck that.
I would try not to mother him, if he wants to lazy around/ play his computer etc it’s up to him but equally I’d remain firm on doing chores, letting you know if he will be back late, not cooking/ being noisy at unsociable hours.
The reminiscing that holds you in a negative view yes it’s crap but try to ignore it if it’s a load of rubbish or acknowledge it if they have a point. Al adults make mistakes it’s good to be aware of it.

he's at that annoying stage where young adults start to question their parents and where they went wrong. he's mature enough to see that things may not have always been perfect, but not quite mature enough to see that that is just life and one's parents may be deeply flawed but still doing their best. i'd not be a doormat but try not to argue about it too much - it will pass.

however, he's right about you needling him to get a job. he's at university right now, and oxford no less, that should be his top priority. summer rest is necessary in order to be in best shape for the next term! i only worked one summer at uni and it was a pretty crap part time job, to be honest. not sure i would do it again. and didnt seem to make any difference to my employment afterwards.

Hard agree. It may (ironically) be due to the his youth but this "independent " adult is coming off as someone who feels entitled to live off a woman whilst dictating terms to her.

Perhaps his dad could step up and keep him for a bit? As he's far to important to keep himself.

Bloody hell, you sound intense. Back off and let him grow.

Yes, I agree with this and the post you quoted.

@lurchersforever, this isn’t the end of your relationship with him by any stretch. You are self-aware about your anxiety but you probably don’t quite realise the impact it will have had on him. My DH grew up with a mother a bit like you and he wasn’t able to articulate at 19 what the issue was, so withdrew (not no contact, just didn’t know how to relate to her) for a long time. Be proud that your DS wants to retain the good relationship you have. It’ll be ok.

Why are you so worried about him 'lazing' around? Just let him know the minimum that you expect him to do around the house and let him get on with it. Some of the other poster have given some good suggestions of what he could be doing.

It sounds like he's already got some plans in place to keep active and possibly earn some money so as long as he's not looking to you to fund his social life with his mates I think that's fine. Between those plans, his study and your family holiday the 3 months will fly past.

It sounds like he feels that when you are questioning him on how he spends his time or 'other trivial stuff' that he feels you are judging him or are being critical of him. Can you change your approach so that your showing a genuine interest in what he's doing?

Perhaps ask what his plans are for the day / week, if he's out doing something tell him that sounds great, ask him to say hi to his friends from you, ask him if he'll be home for dinner or if you should just pop his in the fridge. If he says he has no plans, ask him if he could pop to the shop / cut the grass for you / get suitcases out for the holiday.

There's no need to give him a hard time just because his day isn't filled with activity.

I wonder if op's background is less privileged than the one she's created for her ds? I know I would have a hard time with DC lazing around because at that age I HAD to work otherwise I wouldnt have a room or food for the next term at uni.

I skim read- but my general impression was what a pompous entitle insufferable twat your son has become. Tell him if he acts like an adult you will treat him like one, but he is part of the family and you would like to know about him. If he feels that you bombard him with questions then perhaps he should freely tell you about his life that you are funding. Tell him to get a fucking job and touch grass whilst he’s at it. Christ alive, my kids know I’ll support them no matter what, but if I see they are being pricks I’ll call them out. Did you gentle parent by any chance?

I think I need a strategy for when I feel the anxiety mounting when he's lazing around

Yes, definitely spend some time reflecting on and addressing that. It's good that you recognise it as an issue.

My mum always has to be seen to be Doing Something and often lists everything she has accomplished that day in the group chat. Or she will lament how "lazy" she is for watching TV on a Saturday morning when she could be out reorganising the gravel in her driveway, or some other pointless shit. Honestly, I didn't realise how toxic her attitude is until recently.

My elderly neighbour often asks me "do you never sit down, lassie??" but I still can't relax without feeling guilty 🙃

These are hard transitions to negotiate for both of you. You’re lucky to have a son who’s prepared to enter into a discussion about it so take advantage of that. It’s hard not to treat them as children when they come home and it’s hard to come home from the freedom of uni and slot back into that childhood role. Compromises must be made on both sides.

They're particularly bumptious for the first 2 or 3 days - after that it might be easier to genuinely discuss. I know this from my 3 DC and can also remember how I felt myself and what I witnessed with my siblings!

Things will settle down I’m sure with love and communication on both sides.

They come back wanting to live as independent adults but to be looked after as they were in childhood - your son will learn to adapt to a new way of being at home.

I would say he's got a damn cheek laying down his rules while you are driving him home to live in your house. If he wants to dictate rules he gets his own house and learns to drive. I would make sure he gets a job for the summer and pays his keep as a non-negotiable, not helps out a bit at home.