struggling with my university-age son's boundaries when he comes home

[lurchersforever]

I am struggling to adjust to ds and the changes to our relationship now he is an adult and away at university but home in the holidays. I've always considered us to be close but something he said when I picked him up from university threw me and I would like an outside perspective on it. I think this is a bit waffly as I'm trying to give context.

As soon as he got in the car at pick-up, he said there was a non-negotiable for when he is at home. He said I wasn't to make a fuss about unimportant things and gave an example from when he was home for Easter and I questioned him at times about how he was spending his time and other fairly trivial stuff he was doing. He said that can't happen. I said while we were on non-negotiables he would have to help out at home over the summer and he said that was fine and he gets that but that if he didn't it wouldn't have the impact of stopping us having a functional relationship in the way it would if I kept up my behaviour. That seemed quite nuclear to me.

I get where he is coming from. I do get anxious about things (I have sought help for this) and really struggle to stop myself from spiralling if I think, for example, that he is making bad choices or that something may be wrong that he's not telling me. I'm divorced and he and ds2 spend 4 nights per fortnight at their dad's and always moan but pretty good-naturedly nowadays about going there. Dad does no parenting really so everything has always been on me.

Neither ds has ever given me any real trouble at all - excelled at school, good friends etc. I'm not that strict on chores but they do stuff I ask generally speaking notwithstanding a bit of nagging sometimes being needed. Ds1 is at Oxford and I know has worked incredibly hard this year, as he always does. He's had some great feedback, thinks the exams went well and tutors are mentioning post-grad already and have recommended some reading/home learning specifically for that over the summer, though he's only done 1 year.

He had a part time job while doing A levels and last summer - it wasn't huge and was based at his school in the canteen etc so he can't do it now and he doesn't plan to work. He says the cricket team he used to captain will pay him a bit to umpire and he may be able to get some shifts at their bar. Other than that he will be doing the home-learning and we are away for a couple of weeks in the summer. But he'll be home for more than 3 months so this is what I struggle with. But I know he's not lazy and he says he doesn't need money from me as he has saved some over the term (I top up loan and he has some money from GPs etc, Oxford is quite cheap). He has never asked for extra money. But I know there will be times when I say wtf are you doing? How does this fit with his non-negotiables?

He has also started now and again commenting on how snappy I was when the dc were young. Like I'll say something like how long it is taking in a shop and he'll say 'Oh, if I had said that when I was 7 you would have been like..' and then exaggerates me 'blowing up.' He is laughing at these times and being OTT but I'm starting to think he is looking back and thinking I was a shit mother and we will soon have no relationship. I did my best but I have a stressful job and I have no doubt I wasn't always as patient as I could have been but I also feel we had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time together. He never went through the being in his room all day phase so despite his busy social life we've spent so much time together talking etc. He also struggled at Oxford in the second term and had a lot of essay crises which meant a lot of 3am phone calls and tears, which obviously I supported him with.

What does all this mean for our relationship? I feel a bit sad and daunted. I think he wants to be treated like an adult but isn't quite there and I don't really trust my judgement.

Agree!

Especially applauding "bumptious posturing".

The cheek of him.

I am still not entirely convinced the OP has given enough context. When did the relationship start to go wrong? What were his last years at home (GCSEs, A levels) like? Were there any major fallings out before? Over what? Has he always lived at home up until he went to uni? Where’s his other parent, is that where some of the issue is coming from?

OP, all credit to you for your honesty about your anxiety etc.

It must be really hard work but we all owe it to those close to us not to let our own anxieties / less rational worries affect them.

Honestly, everything you have said about your son shows that he is a young man of whom you can be extremely proud. So maybe focus on that in your mind. A student who gets themselves to Oxford and is doing well enough to get high marks and impress is doing very well. Dwell on that, not on feeding your worry mill.

It is a hard transition watching out Dc becoming young adults, both making their own mistakes and becoming their own successful selves. I am a few years ahead of you, I don’t think we will ever not worry about our loved offspring but we have to learn to respect them as adults too.

Good luck!

@PineappleSunrise I wouldn't say the relationship has gone wrong, which is partly why this shook me a little. I thought I did explain we have always been pretty close and talk loads - he never went through the surly bedroom--dweller stage of being a teen. Often quite explosive when stressed with me absorbing that a lot of the time. He is very sociable and out a lot as well. He loves being busy. He worked at his school canteen throughout A levels and was the only student they kept on throughout the summer term after the exams and had him back last Sept before he went to uni - gave him a lovely card from all the dinner ladies when he left. He's not a lazy, entitled (misogynist?) twat as some have said/suggested! He sees his dad as quite pathetic as he doesn't work for various reasons but they get on well enough though but certainly not someone he looks up to.

But I do worry about the job market and him needing to work part-time to be able to impress graduate employers/get internships next year. That is my main worry.

He has bar work and cricket
for his cv. and if you explain this concern, your son is the type of conscientious and clever student who will get on to it.

Does he run any clubs etc at university?
Does he have positions of responsibility?

possibly he’s exhausted after an
immensely transformative year in which he has worked hard and started discussions about post grad. Amazing!’

But he will be working part-time if he umpires and picks up bar shifts.

What part-time job are you expecting him to get for 3 months that'll dazzle the job market?

Stop! Stop justifying yourself. He wants to be trusted. He needs to be trusted. He is figuring things out himself and he has lots of examples from Uni and people outside of his family to point him in a useful direction. He may make a mistake or some things might not pan out but these are his mistakes to make.

step way back and respect him and the parenting you already gave him.

I didn’t read you full post but this is what I told my own son when he came with that shit at 16:

“if you were in care, at 16 they would have put you in the streets, at 18 you won’t even get help and my responsibility to provide a roof and food for you cease. These are no longer obligations for me, so if you don’t like the rules, you are free to go but if you decide to stay you adhere to them.”

I think he was suitably impressed, as I didn’t have any problems after that. Now that he is back from uni, I have a flatmate not a child, we split house chores and he pays rent at market value. I am not exploiting him though, I use that rent to provide for the extra costs of having him around and to save for his PG degree.

He is asking for more than full adult priviledges but still wants picking up- full adult means he picks himself up and helping out, for you, is just as non-negiotiable as ,what he, clearly sees as you prying.
It's your household, it is not up to your son to dictate to you what can and can't happen.
Don't beat yourself up with idea you didn't do a brilliant job - he made it to Oxford FFS, and stuck with it because you were supportive. If he can't see what a good job you did then he is clearly not a bright as he thinks he is!

It’s a bit annoying he won’t work. But he is getting a cracking degree. I don’t think he should pick holes in your parenting, set that boundary. Try to give him lots of space and stay focused on yourself.

He is working - umpiring for cricket and bar work. That's plenty.

I’m actually feeling quite sorry for this lad. Are you the type of person who can’t sit down for 5 minutes and think everyone else should also be up and running 24/7? He sounds like he’s working hard enough to me, I’m not sure what else you expect.

Agree that bar work and umpiring is work .

My Dd is also doing a very similar sounding degree to the one your son is doing and I feel I've had to try to be as chill as poss.

I have in the past harangued her into getting a summer job but it backfired really and hence I've let her apply for things off her own back.

I'd be annoyed at this laying down the law while getting a lift tho. I'd be tempted to get in the house and make just myself a cup of tea.

My view is that he is an adult. He needs to be treated like one and he needs to behave like one and muck in.

I’m not sure why you need the relationship to be really close.

I’ve always thought that a parents job is mainly to get them to adulthood and then just be there when needed.

My view is that he is an adult. He needs to be treated like one and he needs to behave like one and muck in.

I’m not sure why you need the relationship to be really close.

I’ve always thought that a parents job is mainly to get them to adulthood and then just be there when needed.

It may not have been intended as "laying down the law" - sometimes if nervous about a difficult conversation, it can come out harsher sounding than it should. Sounds like he will have been thinking about having this talk with OP for a while. Putting in a boundary is always hard.

I can see both sides to this. I’m with you in that young people need to be working in the holidays, the bar work and umpiring is ok depending on how many shifts he is getting. He also needs to muck in at home. On the other hand op you need to reel in your anxiety and avoid nagging him or he’ll withdraw from you, or worse become an anxious adult himself.

Do you treat him like he's still a child when he is home.
He hasn't worded it well, but it sounds like that's how he feels.

I think this is important:
He said I wasn't to make a fuss about unimportant things and gave an example from when he was home for Easter and I questioned him at times about how he was spending his time and other fairly trivial stuff he was doing.

If you are in fact doing this - and you seem to admit that you are - because of your anxiety, I don't blame him for asking you fairly strongly not to. It's incredibly annoying to have a parent who can't leave their adult offspring to manage their own time and keeps asking questions. You just have to let go and get off his back. If you're tempted to ask questions when you don't really need to, bite your tongue! If he was having problems because he's disorganised and not doing things he's meant to do, that would be different, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I think he expressed it badly with the "non-negotiable", but I completely understand how he's feeling. He's mature enough to say this, politely, instead of letting it fester, which really could be damaging. And your best response is to accept what he's said, stipulate some reasonable non-negotiables of your own like doing his share of chores, and believe that this isn't damaging your relationship at all.

Oxford terms are exhausting. The summer vacation is long. He has time to relax, time to engage with the careers service around prep for applying for internships for next year. In my day sometimes tutors would recruit undergrads as research assistants over the summer vacation - I don't know if that still happens but worth him making enquiries. And he already has some paid work planned.

Oh, DS, please can you cut the grass? It’s going to rain on Wednesday. Finds DS comatose at lunchtime on Wednesday and rain imminent. That sort of moment?
I sorted this by having no expectations at all and a stack of meals in the freezer because my DD’s life was busy and often last minute.

you are over thinking. Let him be?

Your son is an adult and you need to get off his case, it’s really none of your business what he’s doing. Your job is to support and guide - perhaps with suggestions - but not nose around in his daily/weekly schedule or ask him what he’s doing.

He said that can't happen. I said while we were on non-negotiables he would have to help out at home over the summer and he said that was fine and he gets that but that if he didn't it wouldn't have the impact of stopping us having a functional relationship in the way it would if I kept up my behaviour.

When I read this it sounded like he’s threatening you. He acknowledges that his behaviour last time home wasn’t ideal either but he negates the impact on you by saying your behaviour was worse and would result in him cutting you off basically, whereas his wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t like that at all.

Get him to explain what stopping you having a functional relationship would mean.

I think your DS is probably trying to manage his own anxiety (in a slightly clumsy and tactless way).

Nobody gets to Oxford and does well there without having that ticking clock constantly in their mind asking "have I done enough work? Is this good enough! Am I good enough?" Equally, all students worry to some extent about being employable after their course is over. Buy you can't worry about that night and day until the moment you join the graduate workforce. He's trying to carve out some time to relax, and to me that seems reasonable. I think it's probably enough to do small amounts of umpiring and bat work this vacation, but it may be your DS pivots to doing something else by August.

It's very very easy for older, careworn adults to impose our opinions of what young people should be doing with their time. Either through anxiety or jealousy, or through misremembered memories of our own summer holidays (which could have been super rosy or totally traumatic or anything in between), we can't resist imposing our own opinions of what young people ought to be doing with this huge chunk of golden time. But we should do our absolute level best not to get invested in it. The economic realites for young people are pretty harsh. The kind of independence people could aspire to in our era is almost completely out of reach for early twenties today, so we have to let them live within that reality and try not to blame them too much for their situation.