struggling with my university-age son's boundaries when he comes home

[lurchersforever]

I am struggling to adjust to ds and the changes to our relationship now he is an adult and away at university but home in the holidays. I've always considered us to be close but something he said when I picked him up from university threw me and I would like an outside perspective on it. I think this is a bit waffly as I'm trying to give context.

As soon as he got in the car at pick-up, he said there was a non-negotiable for when he is at home. He said I wasn't to make a fuss about unimportant things and gave an example from when he was home for Easter and I questioned him at times about how he was spending his time and other fairly trivial stuff he was doing. He said that can't happen. I said while we were on non-negotiables he would have to help out at home over the summer and he said that was fine and he gets that but that if he didn't it wouldn't have the impact of stopping us having a functional relationship in the way it would if I kept up my behaviour. That seemed quite nuclear to me.

I get where he is coming from. I do get anxious about things (I have sought help for this) and really struggle to stop myself from spiralling if I think, for example, that he is making bad choices or that something may be wrong that he's not telling me. I'm divorced and he and ds2 spend 4 nights per fortnight at their dad's and always moan but pretty good-naturedly nowadays about going there. Dad does no parenting really so everything has always been on me.

Neither ds has ever given me any real trouble at all - excelled at school, good friends etc. I'm not that strict on chores but they do stuff I ask generally speaking notwithstanding a bit of nagging sometimes being needed. Ds1 is at Oxford and I know has worked incredibly hard this year, as he always does. He's had some great feedback, thinks the exams went well and tutors are mentioning post-grad already and have recommended some reading/home learning specifically for that over the summer, though he's only done 1 year.

He had a part time job while doing A levels and last summer - it wasn't huge and was based at his school in the canteen etc so he can't do it now and he doesn't plan to work. He says the cricket team he used to captain will pay him a bit to umpire and he may be able to get some shifts at their bar. Other than that he will be doing the home-learning and we are away for a couple of weeks in the summer. But he'll be home for more than 3 months so this is what I struggle with. But I know he's not lazy and he says he doesn't need money from me as he has saved some over the term (I top up loan and he has some money from GPs etc, Oxford is quite cheap). He has never asked for extra money. But I know there will be times when I say wtf are you doing? How does this fit with his non-negotiables?

He has also started now and again commenting on how snappy I was when the dc were young. Like I'll say something like how long it is taking in a shop and he'll say 'Oh, if I had said that when I was 7 you would have been like..' and then exaggerates me 'blowing up.' He is laughing at these times and being OTT but I'm starting to think he is looking back and thinking I was a shit mother and we will soon have no relationship. I did my best but I have a stressful job and I have no doubt I wasn't always as patient as I could have been but I also feel we had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time together. He never went through the being in his room all day phase so despite his busy social life we've spent so much time together talking etc. He also struggled at Oxford in the second term and had a lot of essay crises which meant a lot of 3am phone calls and tears, which obviously I supported him with.

What does all this mean for our relationship? I feel a bit sad and daunted. I think he wants to be treated like an adult but isn't quite there and I don't really trust my judgement.

He's smart. He studies hard. He has never given you any trouble. He agreed when you said he needs to help out at home more. He has worked when he can. He was clear and not disrespectful in how he stated the boundaries he feels need to be put in place. He sounds like a lovely young adult. Listen to him. Really listen to him. It's coming across that this may be a you problem.

You need to take in what your son is saying.
You are clearly a fantastic mum who is doing a brilliant job.
But you need to let your son grow into an adult.
Asking him WTF he is doing or questions over timings? As an adult, you are going to drive him away.
Your job as a mum is to now step back a little. Most parents would be thrilled to have a son like yours. Take most of the credit for how well he’s turned out.
You sound like you need help with your anxiety. Your son is not your therapist, it’s not his job to calm your anxiety.

I’d step back from worrying the things he may or may not be accusing you of. He can list non negotiables, but courtesy and consideration are also non negotiable whether they’ve been added to a list or not!

So if he says something about you blowing up when he was younger, point out a pressured job, tricky marriage and home responsibilities meant things were tough at times.

If he’s pushing his luck, remind him that you’re still ‘looking after him’- bearing in mind his schedule, doing the uni run, topping him up, and that you are happy to do it because you love him, but it would be nice if he could be kind in return.

If he’s never been difficult, he may have been late reaching the ‘cutting the apron strings’ phase and be doing that now.

Adolescents need to prove to themselves and you that they are adults now, and don’t need you. They tend to do it by being a bit obnoxious- it’s a totally normal part of the becoming an adult process. It’s a developmental stage, just like ‘me do it’ and separation anxiety!

Yep
I think he was trying to make it clear to the Op, that her anxiety probably upsets him
The proof of this in OP’s MN posts where she appears to concerned about things that shouldn’t worry her
With respect Op, you really need to relax .
You did a great job with your kids . Try to enjoy them

I think you can flip it a little and say something like ‘I’m finding the language you’re using to frame how you want the summer to unfold a little challenging and I wonder if you could reflect on that and how there may be a gap between how you envisaged it landing and the potential of it having a more damaging impact than you initially conceptualised?’

Or just say ‘sure hon’ and book a lot of yoga classes for yourself and take yourself off. And make sure you set some non-negotiable chores - for sure you can mentally decompress while mowing the lawn etc.

I grew up wit a mother who suffered, and still suffers, with generalised anxiety disorder and it is very very difficult to manage that relationship in a way that she is comfortable with, without feeling like I am being drained of my life force. Even now, in my 50s she asks question after question after question, passes judgement on every single response, and then asks the same questions 2 hours later - really unimportant and irrelevant questions like ‘what colour is Mary’s wallpaper?’ ‘Was there a big queue for the toilets?’ etc. It was worse when I was your son’s age - she’d try to stop me going out by telling me I looked tired and wouldn’t it be better to have a night in, or she’d get my dad to come and collect us and she’d be in full panic mode if we were home 10 minutes later- and so on and so on.

I manage her carefully now, but we don’t have a close bond because I need to treat her like a child - shielding her from bad news, or minimising negative events. I couldn’t rely on her to be supportive - if anything, if I have bad news I then have to support her on top of everything else because it becomes all about how she can’t cope with it.

Try to get more help for your anxiety. Your DS is an adult and he’s entitled to his privacy.

He's telling you very calmy that yes he'll contribute to chores but he wants you to manage your stress better and perhaps stop taking things out on him?

Just back off and try to be a bit more relaxed, easier said than done I know.

You say you've sort help before so you obviously recognise there's an issue. After being away from home he clearly enjoyed a more relaxed environment and is asking you politely to give him some space and not to be ott such as asking 'wtf are you doing'.

Obviously he pulls his weight chore wise but you must try and help him feel relaxed at home.

Tbh, you should be absolutely proud of the child you have raised. He sounds like he has coped so well with the transition to partial independence and sounds like a very mature and self sufficient young man. I think maybe referring to issues as ‘none negotiables’ was maybe OTT, as it sounds like he wants to control issues whilst home. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with asserting boundaries, he can’t dictate what he is prepared to do at home when it comes to chores etc.

I think this was a good chat. He said you can’t blow up or question him. You said he needed to help out. Fairly normal discussion, and better than resentment building up.

you have a son at Oxford, he is working part time and into sport., thats fantastic be proud of what he is achieving.

He has communicated really well what is frustrating him now that he is independent. These are all such positives

now you can take on board not "mothering" not "questioning" he is spreading his wings. Just let him - I tell myself often just zip it. Our grown up children will come to us for help, but learn form their own experiances.

If he needs help, he will come to you first

let him be

and no he doesn't think youre a bad mother he is taking the mike and if your sensitive about it - ask him not to take the mike as it upsets you and you're sensitive about it

Ah. He's an adult. So he can pronounce his non negotiables. Fab.

But he needs to know that no other adult gets 3 month of summer with zero responsibilities, safe in the knowledge that he will be going back to university fully funded by you and his grandparents. This isnt adulthood. This in in-betweenhood.

And during in-betweenhood loads of stuff needs to be figured out. One of those things is how to approach wanting to not be questioned on why getting up at 2pm is ok in his adult world. While you work (to fund the home he lives in, his higher education and no doubt his holiday) and get home and the kichen is a state and nothing has been done around the house. This is a negotiation and as I see it he has very little by way of leverage.

Yes, of course we want our high achieving inbetweeners to have a lovely summer and to rest. But he doesnt get to get into the car for the lift home (how adult! Being picked up by mummy) and demand that you don't sometimes say oi. What ya doing? Because you wouldn't have to if he behaved like a proper adult and mowed the lawn without being asked, or cleaned the bathroom, or whatever chore without being asked first. The fact he cant see that connection just shows he's a way off adulthood! And therefore not in a position to make his demands.

I'd have told him to act like an adult for a few weeks and then we would see where we were!

At a guess you say you questions his choices it could come across as though you still treat him as a child

This. he has lived somewhere else and learned that there are other ways of being and other people's home life is different. Be glad that he feels that he can talk to you about it and be prepared to negotiate too. Think "housemate" rather than "child" Not sure how old your other child is but do you think its time you stopped making them spend time with their father if they don't want to?

It would be interesting to know what cards he holds in this "non-negotiables" situation. Presumably he wants to live in your house, eating your food for starters. If you were to call his bluff, where is he going to live?

I'n not suggesting you necessarily want to put those cards on the table, but I don't like the tone of a man coming back home and dictating what can and can't be talked about.

Letting him have his freedom over the holidays is important, but he doesn't get to speak to you like that. If he's not asking for money, you can't insist he gets a job, but yes, contributing to housework / cooking a meal a few times a week / doing his own laundry sound reasonable.

And I think it's common courtesy to tell people where you're going if you're heading out. No details needed - just "I'm popping to the supermarket" or "I'm heading out with friends - might be back late" is how most families operate.

Don't take any guff!

I agree with this.

He lacks tact. His message is OK as part of a conversation but it should not have been the first thing he said to you, that feels like an attack. He could have waited until you did the action then asked you to stop and explained the effect on him.

Your tit for tat reply didn't help. He needs to be a functional adult in your house and pick up his share of the work so agree some duties and see if he does them.

I was strongly ushered out of the home at 16. My first response is to tell him this morning that you're taking on board his non-negotiables and you need time to think about them so it's probably best he escapes your draconian ways and finds somewhere else to live this summer.

Reading everyone's responses here is very helpful and I can see how my parents' parenting affects me still. (Concerned readers, don't worry, I opted to never, ever have children).

I agree. It’s fine to recognise he’s an adult, but his life is entirely facilitated by the other adults in his life so he’s not there yet.

It’s perfectly reasonable to ask what his plans are for his long holiday, to expect him to let you know when he’s coming home. I’d sit down with him and agree his share of chores (he is an adult after all) with the expectation that having agreed his responsibilities you don’t need to ask or remind him to do them (because he is an adult after all). I’d also expect him to contribute to his living costs at home (because that’s what adults do), whether that be from work or savings.

Or he can recognise he’s in an in between phase of life, an adult but one that’s dependent on his mother to facilitate his life and wind his neck in. No you don’t need to know his every move, and you shouldn’t still feel the need to nag him but if he wants to be recognised as an adult he needs to behave like one.

Hé needs to help around the house etc as he will be living there. It would be nice if he gives you the heads up on if he will be home/eating out etc and cooked some meals for you but he shouldn’t have to tell you everything he doing or whenever he is leaving the house.
it would be nice if he says I am off out bye rather than just walking out if you are there and not busy but shouldn’t need say where he is going and for how long.

you need to respect that he is an adult and no be asking him wtf are you doing (unless he’s about to burn down the house). Don’t have a go at him about the times he is sleeping/ what he is eating/ how much or little he’s going out, leave him to decide that. You will find he probably opens up to the you more about things like that if he doesn’t think you are going to judge or pry.

Agreed.

I think my DH and I are a good example here. We were both good uni students and when we were home in the summer we helped at home. But we also both desperately needed a rest and there were times we really didn’t do much. DH’s mum petered him terribly. Get a job, get another job, what are you doing today, why weren’t you up until 9, what time did you go to sleep, you haven’t been out for three days etc etc. Funnily enough they very rarely speak now. My Mum was much more chilled. She trusted me to make the right decisions. My life now is crazy hectic and I look back on those summers of rest with such fondness and appreciation for my mum to give me space. I’d do anything for another rest like that now but am glad I did it whilst I had the chance. Uni’s hard, back off him.

This.

If you're worried about him not working because you don't want to subsidise him, tell him up front what you can contribute. If you think he doesn't pull his weight round the house tell him what your expectations are.

Otherwise leave him to work out the rest himself - he's smart, Oxbridge terms are intense and decompressing during the vacation is important.

Choosing to focus the rest of his time on his subject is impressive. If he doesn't need dragging down to the level of daily drudgery that comes to us all in time don't force it on him - let him fly.

I think the difficulty is that a lot of the questions OP asks are reasonable in themselves, but they feel differently coming from a parent whose anxiety has had such a significant impact on the child. There's a context.

I think perhaps the 'non-negotiable' statement might have come from having to live with others at uni and laying down ground rules for house sharing or living in halls with shared facilities. He might have picked it up from others who've had to lay down the law to those who've never lived independently and expect people to pick up after them or who have behaved badly. So I'd cut some slack for that.

As to the rest - I've been through it four times with uni students coming home for the holidays (I had two lots of two going off to uni at the same time) and all I could do was to let them be. They're adults, but only semi-baked adults so to actual adults they might seem as though they have no idea, but they seem to manage. So you have to keep quiet (although you must lay down your own 'non-negotiable' house rules) and just let him be.

It does get better once they get more out in the wide world.