How should we handle avoiding one friend in my husband's group?

[miserablegrump]

So my now-husband moved to a new city several years ago for work, after struggling to make friends in a previous town he knew this was a priority for him in this new city. He quickly settled in with a lovely group of men in a similar life stage to him, and found the social outlet he'd been looking for. When I started dating my now-husband I was introduced to all his friends and found them nice, affable guys, and got along with their partners as well.

One friend, John, was a single dad and quite keen for my son to join play dates with his son. The kids don't really get on (different ages)

John's got a chequered relationship history, often having dramatic breakups and moving on very quickly. I found out he was accused of DV by a couple of former partners.

Both his parents passed away very suddenly in March last year and then he quickly formed a relationship with a new lady (within a week of his Dad's funeral) - Sue. Sue was pregnant and moved in within 3 months of their first date.

I just don't see any of this behaviour as stable, or healthy. I think John confuses intensity for intimacy, and I think beginning a new relationship and having a child with a stranger so fast is damaging to his existing child.

So, I don't wish to attend social engagements with John, and made this clear to my husband, who understands this choice.

However my absence at social gatherings has been noted and John and the wider friendship group are continually pressuring my husband to all spend time together.

I don't really want to cause drama, but I am just not interested in a friendship with this man or his new partner, when I so object to their life choices.

How do my husband and I navigate this with the wider group? Do we just explain to everyone else that I don't like John and won't be attending events he is at (noting this will probably get back to John and end my husband’s friendship with him, and cause a fraction in the wider group).

Finding a friendship group as a middle aged man is tough and it’s important to me that my husband has a social outlet, and so I don't mind if he spends time with John.

So far we have navigated this by me having other plans whenever the group hangs out together, but as they have frequent catch ups, this is becoming unsustainable.

Most my social plans don’t involve my partners social circle. Is there a reason you all need to have the same social circle?

I like the other couples quite well enough, and there are a few big events (like weddings) coming up that we'll be invited to.

And they all hang out as couples so put the pressure on Husband when I'm not there.

Just keep him at arms length. I’ve made clear to my partner of behaviour I won’t tolerate. As long as it doesn’t impact my partner it’s not for me to say who they can and can’t be friends with, I do communicate what I find distasteful about someone if needs be.

You sound judgemental AF

You are being judgemental. He sounds like he's bad at relationships - so what? How does that affect you at all?

Just go along to these things. You don't have to be best buddies with him.

It's absolutely fine to keep your child away from John's child and refuse play dates.

But I think you're being OTT to refuse to go to any social gathering when John or his partner are present! Can't you just go along and not talk to them much? Definitely don't do the thing of telling the whole group you don't like him.

The only thing that would give me pause is DV, but who is giving you this information? Messy break ups sounds more like gossip.

Exactly. I wouldn't date this guy or be organising kid hangouts, but a big group is different.

yeah I know I am.

I just can't see how having a baby with someone you've known for 8 weeks is normal or healthy, and I don't wish to spend time with people who I judge so negatively. I can't sit in a room with someone who has multiple DV allegations against him and watch him play happy families with someone he barely knows.

I know we don't have to be best buddies, the issue is that DH is, and they all spend time as couples, and I don't wish to go along. How do I do this without making it weird or awkward for my husband who is constantly having to explain to his friends why I'm not there.

John is, he told me he has 3 exes accuse him of DV, but they were all crazy.

Its us, and two other couples, not really a super big group.

I’m worried your husband is so hard up for mates he finds the company of an abuser to be desirable! What is his opinion on the “crazy exes” story?

The DV thing would give me pause for thought. Other than that you are being super judgmental. You seem more bothered about the new partner getting pregnant so quickly than anything else. This is absolutely none of your business, and whilst it’s your choice to see him or not see him, you do sound very judgmental on that point.

Of course no one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to but perhaps to make things less awkward you could go along to the absolutely necessary events where it looks very noticeable if you don’t attend and tricky for your DH if you aren’t there and keep your distance. Far easier to avoid someone at something like that.

Something else struck me too - if there is a grain of truth in the DV rumours and your feel strongly about it, then perhaps getting to know his DP might be a good idea as there may come a time when she could do with a friend from your side. Do you not want to get to know her for a particular reason (Ie you don’t gel or she’s done something awful?) or are you choosing not to purely on her life choices too? If it’s the latter then once again, you do come across as very judgy and as someone who is not able to see anybody’s situation or viewpoint from anyone’s but their own.

Yeah he's working on it, but I think new friends in a new city in your 30s is just hard, and men seem to have a particularly tricky time of it a lot of the time. DH feels like he's fallen in quickly with this group of friends and John particularly is the instigator of a lot of the social catch ups.

I think DH is of the opinion it didn't progress beyond police call outs so its hard to determine.

What bothers me is the pattern of rushing into relationships, and not considering their older child. Their son hadn't even met her at all before she moved into their house.

I'll own it that I am very judgey about their choice to have a baby. I don't think deliberately getting pregnant to someone you've known for a couple of months is healthy or normal, I feel like this is particularly damaging to their older child, who is now on step mum #3 and he's not even 10.

It's their life and their choice but when there is such a values misalignment between them and myself. I don't wish to spend time with them. I make this choice about lots of different people - if the values don't align, I don't pursue a friendship with them.

The domestic abuse would give me pause for concern
but the utter judgement attitude you display is ghastly
be honest and admit you think you are far superior to these people

Just go to every other gathering and be try to avoid John by speaking more to the people you prefer and be polite but cool to John. Isn't that what we all do in social groups? I think its weird to make such a big deal of it and avoid everyone to be honest.
Sometimes it helps to remember no one is perfect. For example, I wouldn't avoid you or stop attending functions that you're also attending but I'd be cool but polite- because of your holier than thou attitude.

There's only 6 adults, so its hard to avoid them at these catch ups when they make up 1/3 of the group - and John tends to dominate conversations.

But if its normal to move someone in with your child after 8 weeks of meeting them as a new step mum before the child has even met this person, when the new step mum was already pregnant, I'm happy to be corrected, its just not something I thought was standard.

I can understand your point of view. However you made it sound like a big group and now you say there's only two other couples - does that include this guy and his girlfriend? If so, it's awkward, but in a truly big group it would be less so.

I rarely socialise as a couple, and when I do, the other husbands are either likeable or tolerable for a few hours so it's not an issue. Usually I don't even talk to everyone individually during a gathering as it's always at least 8 of us. Also because my issues with them (if any) are only based on lack of common interests or their politics, not any moral failings, it doesn't worry me.

If you don't want to socialise with him, don't- life's too short etc etc. Why can't the men socialise together? My social life consists mainly of meeting up with women friends and DH does his own thing too.

I think it’s very unfair to call OP holier than thou. I think some people don’t deserve my friendship, a man with a history of domestic violence certainly doesn’t. Can’t you occasionally invite each of the other couples over for drinks or Sunday lunch or something, one at a time to show you’re happy to socialise with them? Or do coffee or a walk occasionally with each of the other wives. Identify an activity that they like. Or if you need to justify it go to a concert or something you know that one of the couples especially likes. This is not splitting the group but just making it a bit more flexible?

If your out in a group just keep him at arms length
say no to play dates
and stop assuming and judging

quite a lot of what you have issues with is absolutely nothing to do with you
dating after soon after his dads death you are being ridiculous
I doubt the pregnancy was planned by the sounds of it it happens
you sound over invested in peoples lives you have nothing to do with

I agree with this.

Ultimately, John is with this woman and they have had/are having a baby. Whether you isolate yourself from the group or not isn't going to change that.

Your judgement will have absolutely no impact on anyone other than you and your husband.

You removing yourself and taking this moral high ground stance will impact on no one but you and your husband.

But if its normal to move someone in with your child after 8 weeks of meeting them as a new step mum before the child has even met this person, when the new step mum was already pregnant, I'm happy to be corrected, its just not something I thought was standard.

It's not relevant whether you think it's normal or standard. Or even whether everyone or no one on here agrees with you.

At this point, you are the biggest problem and the most difficult character this social group has to deal with, not him.

His life choices are literally none of your business. Have an opinion by all means. I would and it would be the same as yours but I wouldn't be going round causing 'drama', which is what you are doing despite saying you don't want to.

The drama of you not going, the drama of the judgement, the drama of potentially making other group members 'choose'.

This is literally a 'wind your neck in' situation.

I think it’s very unfair to call OP holier than thou

I agree,if this thread was written from the GF viewpoint she would be absolutely ripped to shreds for moving in with a man with three! Crazy exes who accused him of DV, a 10 year old child, getting pregnant after 8 weeks!!!

Go to the group things and just don’t chat to him one to one. You risk damaging your own marriage and friendships by taking your current position, even though it is understandable.

Totally agree with all of this.