How should we handle avoiding one friend in my husband's group?

[miserablegrump]

So my now-husband moved to a new city several years ago for work, after struggling to make friends in a previous town he knew this was a priority for him in this new city. He quickly settled in with a lovely group of men in a similar life stage to him, and found the social outlet he'd been looking for. When I started dating my now-husband I was introduced to all his friends and found them nice, affable guys, and got along with their partners as well.

One friend, John, was a single dad and quite keen for my son to join play dates with his son. The kids don't really get on (different ages)

John's got a chequered relationship history, often having dramatic breakups and moving on very quickly. I found out he was accused of DV by a couple of former partners.

Both his parents passed away very suddenly in March last year and then he quickly formed a relationship with a new lady (within a week of his Dad's funeral) - Sue. Sue was pregnant and moved in within 3 months of their first date.

I just don't see any of this behaviour as stable, or healthy. I think John confuses intensity for intimacy, and I think beginning a new relationship and having a child with a stranger so fast is damaging to his existing child.

So, I don't wish to attend social engagements with John, and made this clear to my husband, who understands this choice.

However my absence at social gatherings has been noted and John and the wider friendship group are continually pressuring my husband to all spend time together.

I don't really want to cause drama, but I am just not interested in a friendship with this man or his new partner, when I so object to their life choices.

How do my husband and I navigate this with the wider group? Do we just explain to everyone else that I don't like John and won't be attending events he is at (noting this will probably get back to John and end my husband’s friendship with him, and cause a fraction in the wider group).

Finding a friendship group as a middle aged man is tough and it’s important to me that my husband has a social outlet, and so I don't mind if he spends time with John.

So far we have navigated this by me having other plans whenever the group hangs out together, but as they have frequent catch ups, this is becoming unsustainable.

Going on from my last message, I would be inclined to do a Claire's Law application, as if this bloke has been violent toward other partners, then his new girlfriend needs to know just how bad, or otherwise it has been, as the last thing she wants or needs is to be hurt by him while expecting his child. In fact, if she's not too far gone, and finds out what he's really like, then she might even decide to terminate the pregnancy, so if you don't do anything else, I think you should do this.

How on earth do you know the pregnancy was deliberate?

You could say you are busy with work, children etc and you prefer not to spend time drinking every week. That you have other activities, hobbies etc to be spending time doing. Or tell them you're introverted and very much dislike spending time drinking and being sociable?

Understandably twice weekly to be in the company of someone I dislike is a bit much to ask.

I would however, in order to protect another female, make damm sure to see her at some point.

Have you thought about a once a month dinner party at your house maybe as a solution then you could fudge all the other meets. Your deep seated resentment of being in his company might however mean you cannot rise above it.

Are you controlling by any chance.

Very well put, I agree totally with this

I would go on perhaps one out of three events. And just have as little as possible to do with him

Why are you so concerned about his relationship? It has absolutely nothing to do with you. If he and his partner are happy then that’s a good thing and they could end up staying together.
Whether you want to or not you are going to make this awkward for your husband.

So you find John a convenient friend for your husband because it’s difficult to make friends but not good enough to hang out with. Talk about double standards. If you don’t like the guy, both sack him off and get better friends or suck it up and admit this is all the friendship you’ve got.

That poor pregnant lady may need a friend if the accusations about dv are true. But you do need to stop being so judgemental as your absence as a couple may be taken that you don’t like the whole group of friends. Just go along and distance yourself and stop causing drama for your poor husband!

"Whether you want to or not you are going to make this awkward for your husband."

Her H is making it awkward for OP! He's the one hanging out with a man who has committed DV against 3 women already.

Why are the H's feelings being prioritised over OP's?

OP, you just made me laugh out loud. If you don't want to hang out with John for any reason under the sun you don't have to. If DH wants to, good luck to him. I think I would struggle to keep my facial features positive whilst listening to John's take of his multiple crazy exes. He doesn't sound like my sort of guy and I wouldn't want to spend my precious leisure time with him either.

The quick pregnancy may help here. They'll be too busy to go drinking every weekend with a newborn, or at least she will be, so you won't be the only spouse missing. I would certainly not be spending a weekend in a country house with John either.

Can you take matters into your own hands either way the other two couples? Invite them to yours. Don't invite John. He'll be too busy with the pregnancy. Instigate social stuff you want to do. If DH still wants to hang out with John, let him. I reckon his true colours will show in time.

You don't sound horrible to me, OP. You sound like you are feeling pressured to spend your time with someone who will not make you feel happy and like yourself. Social things should feel like a fab opportunity not pressure. If it feels like pressure, don't go. Your intuition is telling you something. Listen.

Be honest OP and say you just don’t like him but don’t make up BS reasons to try and get everyone else on your side. It’s frankly none of your business how two consenting adults choose to move their relationship forwards! I wouldn’t be blowing up my DP’s close friendship circle on such an unreasonable excuse

This is the perfect reply!

But it’s OP who has said she doesn’t want to make it awkward for her husband. That’s her choice.

I'd be more concerned about my DH still showing interest in being part of a small group of men where one of them has so often been accused of DV & with police involved. Unfortunately people are judged by the company they keep.

Women are socially conditioned to put up with shit that men wouldn't put up with, and to disregard their misgivings about someone so that men don't feel uncomfortable. I doubt Op's H would agree to hang out regularly - or at all - with a friend of OP's who he really didn't like and didn't respect.

I hope OP knows now that she doesn't have to do this, that many women would not tolerate to hang around with an abusive man just because their H likes them.

In fact, hopefully she will be questioning her H's ethics and giving him some literature to read on the DV statistics in the UK. One of the biggest red flags for an abuser is that he calls his exes crazy. Here the H's friend has THREE crazy exes. He's a dirtbag, and Op's H is giving tacit support to a serial abuser.

What l would suggest that if you are worried about John bringing another woman into his young son' life, for the sake of his son keep going with the group to ensure that the little boy is ok as daily we hear so many cases of abuse for children; l know that it's not your responsibility but it would be nice that someone is looking out for that little boy.

Im intrigued by the DV ‘allegations’ . Would it make a difference to your stance to know if he had actually been convicted of a domestic violence offence. ? If not - would you still have the same attitude. ?

If the answer is yes - then you’re making your husband’s life difficult simply because he has been stupid enough to have a child with someone he barely knows. ? This was one of my closest friends 30 years ago. Had a baby with a one night stand. A happy 29 year marriage and 2 more kids later they are still going strong. Sometimes you kiss a few frogs then a prince just appears in a flash.

You do know that accusing a man of DV after you have broken up is not exactly rare. ? The fact that women can lie just like men may of escaped you.

My sister did this to my brother in law. Never once in their entire 10 year marriage did she ever mention any form of violence, abuse or threat. She saw not one medic or consulted one dv charity about the campaign of violence against her that left her so traumatised that her wealthy husband would have to maintain her for life as unfit for any future work due to her trauma. (she hadn’t worked since marriage) . The eldest child (15) was so upset by these accusations that he even gave a statement to the court. It alienated my nieces/nephews from their mother as they knew their dad was a gentleman. It didn’t convince the judge but her lies stuck. It’s very difficult for a genuinely good man to defend themselves from accusations. Even if they are never charged or even found innocent. It’s one of the stickiest bits of shit. It sticks.

And before people pile on and say DV is rife - it is and yes it does go on behind closed doors but it is highly unusual for there to be NO evidence. It happens that people also lie

If you care so much about your husbands social outlet just swallow your own feelings for a few hours and be civil its easy you're making it complicated.
You don't need to act like bosom buddies just keep a distance from that particular couple .
It's you putting hubby in an awkward position from being judgemental and self righteous might I add.

Why can't your husband handle this? It's his friendship group, not yours. And straight forward enough to say '@miserablegrump is at her own thing with her friends'. Couples don't have to be joined at the hip.

I am not in the UK, and there's no equivalent here. But thank you

They both told me and DH that it was.

I have a large busy social life with lots of friends thank you. Mostly we participate in a hobby that DH cannot because of injuries (think surfing type thing).

My DH moved cities a few years ago and, like a lot of middle aged guys, has struggled to find a new group of friends in a new city.

This is mostly what he does. But he's been getting lots of questions about why I haven't been going, how they can facilitate catch ups at a time I can go, if I don't like them.

This is VERY helpful. Thank you!