How should we handle avoiding one friend in my husband's group?

[miserablegrump]

So my now-husband moved to a new city several years ago for work, after struggling to make friends in a previous town he knew this was a priority for him in this new city. He quickly settled in with a lovely group of men in a similar life stage to him, and found the social outlet he'd been looking for. When I started dating my now-husband I was introduced to all his friends and found them nice, affable guys, and got along with their partners as well.

One friend, John, was a single dad and quite keen for my son to join play dates with his son. The kids don't really get on (different ages)

John's got a chequered relationship history, often having dramatic breakups and moving on very quickly. I found out he was accused of DV by a couple of former partners.

Both his parents passed away very suddenly in March last year and then he quickly formed a relationship with a new lady (within a week of his Dad's funeral) - Sue. Sue was pregnant and moved in within 3 months of their first date.

I just don't see any of this behaviour as stable, or healthy. I think John confuses intensity for intimacy, and I think beginning a new relationship and having a child with a stranger so fast is damaging to his existing child.

So, I don't wish to attend social engagements with John, and made this clear to my husband, who understands this choice.

However my absence at social gatherings has been noted and John and the wider friendship group are continually pressuring my husband to all spend time together.

I don't really want to cause drama, but I am just not interested in a friendship with this man or his new partner, when I so object to their life choices.

How do my husband and I navigate this with the wider group? Do we just explain to everyone else that I don't like John and won't be attending events he is at (noting this will probably get back to John and end my husband’s friendship with him, and cause a fraction in the wider group).

Finding a friendship group as a middle aged man is tough and it’s important to me that my husband has a social outlet, and so I don't mind if he spends time with John.

So far we have navigated this by me having other plans whenever the group hangs out together, but as they have frequent catch ups, this is becoming unsustainable.

It's a good point. Thank you.

See, OP, this is why its really important that you're precise and specific on here!

By the end of the thread, your husband will be the abuser.

He isn't, but thank you.

Still learning the art of being specific enough to solve my actual conundrum without drip feeding information or writing a terribly long post.

Hopefully the OP has better reading comprehension than you.

It’s your husband that has put you in this predicament. His friends. His problem to deal with.

No, I've just seen how threads go when people stop reading what the OP has actually written and employ a bit of hyperbole.

There is a saying "You are known by your friends and (judged) by the company you keep"!

You can’t solve this one OP . You need to organise meet ups with the acceptable couple and also have a jolly good chat with your DH about why he can overlook this pretty major defect in a friend . Not sure about whether you mentioned whether your DC are boys or girls - but it’s not inconceivable that one day you might need DH to protect his own .

The person I feel really sorry for is the new pregnant partner who very likely is already a victim and just signing up to more of the same . Lovely that some posters are suggesting that you befriend her - only you know whether you have what it takes to be that person

I think you're being a bit ridiculous refusing to hang out with John in a social group because you don't think Sue should have got pregnant quickly. He hasn't said or done anything inappropriate to you and your DV rumours seem to have been acquired through gossip that may or may not be true. While I agree you shouldn't have to attend so many events with your husband's friends if you don't want to, your reasons for not doing so are a bit unhinged and your husband could end up losing his friends.

When I first met my husband we hung out together, but I didn’t like some of them. After a while I asked my husband to meet them alone and I’d hang out with my friends instead. I’m happier with my friends although he grumbles as his mates bring their wives/girlfriends. I don’t mind getting along with someone but when it’s my personal time to enjoy myself, I want to be with like minded people. Just tell him you’d prefer to hang with your mates when he goes out with them.

John told me about the DV allegations himself.

This is my preference too. I have a lovely group of friends and a few of us do a really fun hobby together that I adore!

If your DH has been friends with the other couple for such a long time, would it be possible for him to take them aside and say you're both uncomfortable spending time with John after learning that he has a history of domestic violence allegations and you're really happy to continue the friendship with them separately?

The OP has written the precise details that her husband can compartmentalise his friend having multiple DV allegations. And the detail that he isn't bothered by it because it "only" led to the police being called. No need to be a twat to me and say I'm making stuff up.

Realistically, OP. If you have your own friends, then go out with them or do your own thing.

This may be fairly new information (about his past)? If your husband didn't find out until you did. The others may not even know.

And if your husband has struggled before to make friends then it will be difficult for him to take a hard line stance on something that isn't clear/verified/known to the rest of the group.

It doest mean he's compartmentalising DV. It means he's thinking about his bigger picture which is that he finally has a group of friends. You don't need to socialise with them because you have other options. He may feel he has no choice for now because he doesn't.

You could suggest going out with a couple you do like (I'm unclear as to how many they're are - 3 others or 3 including you) if you have no problems with them. Because it can be nice to socialise with another couple sometimes if you all get on.

There's not much you can do re upcoming weddings other than be civil for the bride and groom's sake.

Maybe if/when you husband makes more friends, he may naturally drift from John anyway.

When people feel they have more options, they tend to become a bit more discerning.

Your dh wants you to hang out with his friends now and again. That is reasonable and you dont need to be best friends with john.

I wouldnt go everytime if I don't enjoy the groups company. But I could easily tolerate one person within a group. In fact a couple of my own friends can be annoying but if i only hung out when it was the perfect group of people then I would never leave the house.

This is an excellent summary of what is happening. Thank you for articulating it so well. I really appreciate that.

We've tried to organise things with just the couple that are old friends, but they always invite John.

Look, all she said was that he 'can' compartmentalise.

And I was responding to the fact that you suggested her child wasn't safe around her husband because he is 'blasé' about DV, which is a bit of a leap. That's all.

It's not a leap at all. That's all.

Then specify that you don't want John invited on the next occasion.

"It'll just be nice for us to all get together."

They're not joined at the hip even if they need reminding of that! It's quite normal for people in freindship groups to do things without including everyone.

There would be NOTHING that would induce me to spend ANY of my private time with someone I don't like, let alone someone who has exposed *himself as a serial violent abuser of women.

H and I are not joined at the hip, I am not an extension of H, and I am not H's damned social crutch.

Menopause brought with it a very clear "I am not fucking wasting what precious time I have left with oiks, bores, and jerks anymore" clarity.

My H has a social group of 3 other men and sometimes they do things where the other partners are included. I don't go because H going away with his friends is the only time I am actually on my own in the house, so I gleefully take the opportunity to have a glorious girl's-time-alone day. They've put pressure on H to get me to come but stiff shit: they're not my friends, they're his, and I don't want to join them.

And also I don't like the guy who organises all these get-togethers, he is intense AF, and so completely attention-grabbing and overwhelming that my mild-tempered H sometimes comes home in a bad mood and it takes him 3 months to get over it.

OP, you're not obliged to spend time with unstable people who will cause you trouble down the line. I wouldn't even go to these get-togethers to specifically help the pending DV victim, I'd tell H to keep an eye out and help her if he sees any signs of DV.

And btw, men compartmentalising their mates' abusive behaviour towards women is EXACTLY why DV is an epidemic in this country: where 13% of all girls/women above the age of 16 experienced domestic abuse last year. Men need to stand up and shame other men who do this shit, otherwise they are complicit dirtbags.

DH has a sneaky slime ball of a friend. Married with one child. He has always treated women badly, one being my unfortunate sister. He has cheated on partners with both males and females. He went out with one of my best friends and unceremoniously dumped her as his parents “didn’t approve”. Roll on 30 years, he heard my friend had split up from her husband so he starts messaging her on instagram suggesting they meet up. Told her his marriage was dead in the water. First my husband had heard. I stopped going out with dh and his friends (not that I went that much). Even though the friend isn’t always there the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I haven’t even asked dh what he says to people because I don’t care and don’t owe them an explanation. If I happened to be asked by someone directly I’d have no problem saying why I’m not around.

That’s a long way of saying I just wouldn’t bother giving an explanation.

I know we don't have to be best buddies, the issue is that DH is, and they all spend time as couples, and I don't wish to go along. How do I do this without making it weird or awkward for my husband who is constantly having to explain to his friends why I'm not there.

The solution you’re looking for doesn’t exist. You basically have two options here - accept that John is part of this group and go along a bit more often to prevent questions, or be honest that you don’t like him and accept that there will be consequences for the friendship group. There isn’t a magic option three where you get to avoid John and nobody gets upset.

He quickly settled in with a lovely group of men in a similar life stage to him, and found the social outlet he'd been looking for. When I started dating my now-husband I was introduced to all his friends and found them nice, affable guys, and got along with their partners as well.

I’m confused about this part of your opening post. It made it sound like this is a big group and John is just one small part of it, whereas your later posts seem to suggest it’s literally just two couples apart from you - including Sue, who had only been with John for five minutes. What happened to all the other couples? Is there some backstory about the friendships failing or drifting that makes your husband more nervous about losing other friends because of John?

If you really don’t want to spend time with John, your husband will just have to keep making excuses for you. It might be awkward, but what’s the alternative? If you get on with the other wife, maybe you could tell her privately that you’re not keen on John, but would be happy to meet up with her and her husband - but if they’re the ones driving John’s inclusion, be prepared for her to be offended.

Have YOU been a part of the group for very long OP? If not, then just tell your DH to tell them that you're not very keen on socialising, but initially made the effort as he wanted you to meet his friends, but you actually prefer to spend your time doing your hobbies, OR, you're actually a bit of a home bird, and prefer reading a good book or whatever to going out drinking. If you haven't been going along for ages, then that shouldn't be a problem.

On the other hand, if you've been going for ages, get DH to tell the group that you won't be joining them much in future as you've found a new hobby that you really enjoy, and want to get more involved in that, which means that your time for socialising in future will be very limited. Or tell them that you've started studying for something with the Open University, and so all your spare time will be taken up with that, and chilling at home, when you're not busy with your studies.

Just some ideas.

Every DV man uses the “my ex is crazy/psycho” etc and they aren’t crazy clearly they just have been abused by this horrible man and I wouldn’t want to give him my time or energy either!!