How should we handle avoiding one friend in my husband's group?

[miserablegrump]

So my now-husband moved to a new city several years ago for work, after struggling to make friends in a previous town he knew this was a priority for him in this new city. He quickly settled in with a lovely group of men in a similar life stage to him, and found the social outlet he'd been looking for. When I started dating my now-husband I was introduced to all his friends and found them nice, affable guys, and got along with their partners as well.

One friend, John, was a single dad and quite keen for my son to join play dates with his son. The kids don't really get on (different ages)

John's got a chequered relationship history, often having dramatic breakups and moving on very quickly. I found out he was accused of DV by a couple of former partners.

Both his parents passed away very suddenly in March last year and then he quickly formed a relationship with a new lady (within a week of his Dad's funeral) - Sue. Sue was pregnant and moved in within 3 months of their first date.

I just don't see any of this behaviour as stable, or healthy. I think John confuses intensity for intimacy, and I think beginning a new relationship and having a child with a stranger so fast is damaging to his existing child.

So, I don't wish to attend social engagements with John, and made this clear to my husband, who understands this choice.

However my absence at social gatherings has been noted and John and the wider friendship group are continually pressuring my husband to all spend time together.

I don't really want to cause drama, but I am just not interested in a friendship with this man or his new partner, when I so object to their life choices.

How do my husband and I navigate this with the wider group? Do we just explain to everyone else that I don't like John and won't be attending events he is at (noting this will probably get back to John and end my husband’s friendship with him, and cause a fraction in the wider group).

Finding a friendship group as a middle aged man is tough and it’s important to me that my husband has a social outlet, and so I don't mind if he spends time with John.

So far we have navigated this by me having other plans whenever the group hangs out together, but as they have frequent catch ups, this is becoming unsustainable.

Yes I have a lovely and busy group of friends I socialise with a lot.

Most of them are not partnered though so no husbands for DH to meet with.

Are you serious? You come across as sanctimonious. If they’re happy what on earth have their life choices got to do with you? My mums friend married after 6 weeks of meeting a man via a dating agency and they’ve been happily married with a blended family and now grandchildren for almost 40 years.

Totally agree.

OP is the one causing the drama and problems in the group.

So he's not capable of being friends with women? You seem to be beaming in from some alien planet where men can't handle their own social lives, and socialising is some compulsory hellfest of couples. If your husband has been friends with the other couple that is not John and Sue since long before you started seeing him, surely he can just see them on his own? You keep saying things like 'wider friendship group' but if there's only six people involved, 'Sue' is brand new to the group and quite possibly has no particularly interest in socialising with you, and you don't want to socialise with John, then we're back to just your DH, the couple he's been friends with for 15 years, and possibly John.

Im surprised so many people are focusing on the baby bit and not the MULTIPLE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ALLEGATIONS????

He sounds awful tbf. What activities do they do? Is it all drinking?

I think people are focussing on the baby and new partner because it seems that this friendship group have known about the multiple allegations and police callouts (plural) and have seemingly done nothing, and not distanced themselves from John so the opinions of strangers on the internet is not going to make any difference at this stage. This group have chosen not to believe it.

My DH’s group is similar. Most of them are lovely, some have lovely wives, while some wives are snotty as hell. A couple of the men aren’t “my people” including one who has a DV conviction.

I just go along, am polite and suck it up for my DH’s sake.

You don't want your husband seeing his mate because he got someone pregnant shortly after his dad died.

Just leave them to do what they want?

So she should be, did you read the bit about DV.

Anyway @miserablegrump I would just give him zero head space. I come from a lot of seriously objectively dysfunctional people, I just interact as though they are complete strangers to me and I am at an emotional distance of the Artic circle to Antarctica from them and equally as frosty. What ever social niceties are required in a a group context I will do and nothing more.

No. I am happy for DH to see him.

I don't wish to because of a long history of behaviour that I don't think is particularly healthy of which the pregnancy and moving in together so quickly is an example.

It's how I navigate the other 4 people in the group insisting on group catch ups constantly and pressuring DH for me to attend.

Pretty much.

Not about the women at all, just that we mostly do a hobby that DH isn't able to participate in because of injuries.

This was in response to the comment my DH should socialise with my friends husbands.

"Put pressure on", or just ask where you are? Big difference

I got pregnant within weeks of meeting my partner, married within 5 months and are still happily married 40 years later. You are being judgy. Don’t do play dates, don’t go out just as a couple but other than that just be polite to him

Other than the potential abuse, this has to be the judgiest thing I’ve ever read. I would be horrified if you were my partner, fortunately my husband is not judgey.

don’t go. Your husband should tell them you’re judgey and quite unpleasant.

It's a lot of "we should all do something together, ask when miserableGrump is free so we can make sure she's there" "let's book a holiday house we can all stay at for the weekend"

I wish he would. It would solve a lot of problems tbh.

Tell them yourself?

If you're out with a big group it's perfectly simple to be distant with one member if the group.

Judging by your holier than thou tone I'd say bring aloof will come easily to you.

Your dh’s friends love life is so far beyond any of your business it's untrue.

You sound awful and you're well on track to ruining either your husband's frienship group or your marriage, or both.

Just avoid John and Sue. Be polite if you are at a gathering but nothing further. You don't need to avoid an entire group of people, just because you don't agree with one person's life choices.

Well according to a lot of people on this thread it's very obvious how horrible I am, so I'm actually sure they already know I'm unpleasant and rude.

It more than not agreeing with their life choices though. It's not wanting to associate with someone with DV allegations and a history of unstable behaviour.

This is an interesting thing to say. Can you tell me why you think this?

I'd deeply love to understand your opinion on how awful I am.