How should we handle avoiding one friend in my husband's group?

[miserablegrump]

So my now-husband moved to a new city several years ago for work, after struggling to make friends in a previous town he knew this was a priority for him in this new city. He quickly settled in with a lovely group of men in a similar life stage to him, and found the social outlet he'd been looking for. When I started dating my now-husband I was introduced to all his friends and found them nice, affable guys, and got along with their partners as well.

One friend, John, was a single dad and quite keen for my son to join play dates with his son. The kids don't really get on (different ages)

John's got a chequered relationship history, often having dramatic breakups and moving on very quickly. I found out he was accused of DV by a couple of former partners.

Both his parents passed away very suddenly in March last year and then he quickly formed a relationship with a new lady (within a week of his Dad's funeral) - Sue. Sue was pregnant and moved in within 3 months of their first date.

I just don't see any of this behaviour as stable, or healthy. I think John confuses intensity for intimacy, and I think beginning a new relationship and having a child with a stranger so fast is damaging to his existing child.

So, I don't wish to attend social engagements with John, and made this clear to my husband, who understands this choice.

However my absence at social gatherings has been noted and John and the wider friendship group are continually pressuring my husband to all spend time together.

I don't really want to cause drama, but I am just not interested in a friendship with this man or his new partner, when I so object to their life choices.

How do my husband and I navigate this with the wider group? Do we just explain to everyone else that I don't like John and won't be attending events he is at (noting this will probably get back to John and end my husband’s friendship with him, and cause a fraction in the wider group).

Finding a friendship group as a middle aged man is tough and it’s important to me that my husband has a social outlet, and so I don't mind if he spends time with John.

So far we have navigated this by me having other plans whenever the group hangs out together, but as they have frequent catch ups, this is becoming unsustainable.

You don’t have to agree with John’s life choices to just go along and be civil for a couple of hours in a group.

From what you’ve said, your husband has struggled to find friends in the past, and your behaviour is jeopardising the friendships he’s got. Is that what you want to do?

I think you’re being harsh, but if you dislike him and his new partner so much then you need to sit out the meet ups. Your DH can just say you prefer staying home these days. Sounds like everyone else gets on well so its you missing out from being judgemental.

In an ideal world, the men within the group would say “John, due to your history of DV, we don’t feel safe with you around our wives, and actually we don’t want to socialise with any man who is violent towards women, so we aren’t going to see you any more.”

But sadly they don’t. Men can commit awful atrocities to women and society will just accept it and carry on as normal.

i wouldn’t want to mix with a man who beats women either (& let’s be honest, if all three of his last relationships say that’s what happened, it’s likely to be true)

From what you’ve said, your husband has struggled to find friends in the past, and your behaviour is jeopardising the friendships he’s got. Is that what you want to do?

I was about to post this. You are putting your need to sit in judgement ahead of your husband's needs. I would judge you for that.

You're being precious. Your obsession with the sudden relationship and early pregnancy is unhealthy in itself. Yes it's odd, but it's not a reason to risk your husband's hard-won friendships, and to spurn the other couple.

I read the first post as if this was a big group, 5-8 couples, in which case I’d also say to socialise as a group and avoid John. There’s so magic way of not doing that sometimes and also not making things awkward for your husband.

But am I right in understanding that the new male friends your husband made are just 2 men, one of which is John?

If so I would add that to your OP as you’ll get different advice.

You may be perfectly right about the wisdom of their choices.
But your presence at a group event is not a moral beacon. You can attend, without morally endorsing any of their behaviour. You can also be in the presence of people who make other lifestyle, health and risk choices you disagree with. That also is not a moral statement.
His "sins " are not infectious, they won't land on you if you attend a wedding where he is , and you aren't responsible for trying to reshape his behaviour by withholding your presence.
You don't have to lie and pretend you would choose similarly or that you approve, and just by being there, you aren't saying that.
I'd say go along, you don't have to never breathe the air this guy breathes, you don't have to be his friend but don't blow up these friendships for the sake of sanctimony. It won't change him anyway.

You sound very judgemental. He hasn’t done anything to directly harm or offend you, you just dont approve of his life choices. Stop being so invested in the business of your husbands friends and you’d probably be a lot happier. Honestly you sound really hard work.

Well if you don't want to spend time with them, your DH is going to have to say so. It's really up to him what he says - he can either tell the truth or keep making excuses. They're his friends, not yours. If I were him, I'd probably tell John that you're not comfortable spending time with someone with multiple accusations of DV levelled again them.

Your poor husband. You don’t sound very nice tbh.

I don't like the sound of John either.

But I would go to the big events like weddings, just bodyswerve the others, and say no to play dates.

Ridiculous that you are being pressured to join in with a group you don't want to be in. They will just have to accept that.

You seem obsessed with this man, and more 'upset' about his new partner having a baby than anything to do with DV. Thats probably what you've used to make yourself seem less insane to your DH.

The fact that you think you have a right to tell people you're not coming to weddings because you just don't like him is insaaaane.

His personal life is non of your business. Spend this mental energy asking why you've spent so much time on this mans life.

Unless he has done something personally wrong to you his life choices are none of your business. You don’t have to be best friends with him but you’re missing out on all the other social contact with the others that you like. You might not agree with how he behaves but it’s nothing to do with you.

Do you think lesbian parents are 'normal'? how about blended families? How about mixed race?

Realistically, how often do a group of 3-5 middle-aged couples get to socialise at the same time in between juggling kids and work? You're making your life sound like FRIENDS or some american sitcom where 6 grown adults meet for breakfast, lunch and dinner three times a week and are constantly popping around each others homes. I highly doubt that's the case.

In real life, even the closest friends may only end up seeing each other 1-2x a month and it's also not rocket science to make up some excuse related to kids or work to drop out of one meeting. It's hardly like you're being forced at gunpoint to socialise with a man you don't like. The guy doesn't sound very stable but he seems to have gone through difficult times too.

For what it's worth, 1/5 relationships are physically abusive. So you have problems sitting in the same room with abusive men you need to take a close look at everyone around you. You probably know more than 5 men. If you go to a small wedding of about 50 people, 10 of those there are abusing their wives or children. It's so common you cannot avoid it.

You’re making it sound as if this is some kind of tight knit couples-group, but you also then say your DH was single and joined it before he started dating you, and that John, when you first met him, was also single. So, given that the group currently consists of only three couples, (John and Sue, you and your DH, and a third man and his partner) it can’t be that difficult for it to revert to just the three men, surely?

I dont blame her tbf - especially given the updates.

I don't really understand why the men in the group care if you're there or not?

If you like all of the other couples, just talk to them?

Play the long game otherwise, if it's as you say, he'll fuck it up again and they'll all realise. Definitely don't bad mouth this one guy to the rest of the group.

Well you and your husband just agree a bunch of things he can say?
”OP has her own group of friends and is using this time to see them”
”it’s so nice having seperate social groups, as there is lots of news to share back and forth”
”OP has a really social job and really likes a potter round the house when she has it to herself”
“OP isn’t much for group dynamics, she’s really a one to one kinda lady”

also encourage your husband to start inviting the lads he likes to do things more one to one. Not everyone has to hang out all together all of the time - it would be much easier to have one couple for dinner, and one couple to try a pottery class with and then your husband could invite MaybeAbusiveJohn to get a beer together without you.

Why should it have to revert to the men, when the other women presumably enjoy socialising in the group? And it's absolutely batshit to expect the others to revert to men only, purely because OP is so sanctimonious and 'main character' about it all.

Well, it sounds like this friendship group is doomed, one way or another. You don’t wish to participate and your husband ends up making excuses for you. John apparently has multiple allegations of DV against him and is now about to become a father again with a new partner. It’s unclear what the rest of the group think about his behaviour, character or the allegations. either they don’t believe them or are prepared to overlook them so, rightly or wrongly, it isolates you from them. But, as others have said, how frequently do you all meet up as a group of eight anyway, particularly as at least some of you have children? How noticeable can your absences really be?

It sounds like time for you both to make some new friends. If your husband wishes to, it’s really not that difficult. Don’t you have friends with partners to whom you could introduce him? Can he take up a new social activity or sport? You say you have a child, many friendships arise from nursery/school/being involved in kids activities and parties over the weekend? If this group is really your only current social outlet, it’s time for both of you to spread your wings.

I agree with this OP.

You would be reasonable to want to avoid John due to the number of DV allegations from his previous partners. However, you seem more disgusted by the speed of him getting his partner pregnant and moving her into his home. It sounds as though, if the latter hadn't happened, you'd still be OK with socialising with the group even if John was present.

Do you have your own friendship group that you and your DH could socialise with? If not, you will both be quite isolated.

Yes all those things are absolutely normal.

Are you ok?

Yes that is correct.

They hang out weekly. Almost every Friday.

My husband and the other couple have been friends for about 15 years.