How should we handle avoiding one friend in my husband's group?

[miserablegrump]

So my now-husband moved to a new city several years ago for work, after struggling to make friends in a previous town he knew this was a priority for him in this new city. He quickly settled in with a lovely group of men in a similar life stage to him, and found the social outlet he'd been looking for. When I started dating my now-husband I was introduced to all his friends and found them nice, affable guys, and got along with their partners as well.

One friend, John, was a single dad and quite keen for my son to join play dates with his son. The kids don't really get on (different ages)

John's got a chequered relationship history, often having dramatic breakups and moving on very quickly. I found out he was accused of DV by a couple of former partners.

Both his parents passed away very suddenly in March last year and then he quickly formed a relationship with a new lady (within a week of his Dad's funeral) - Sue. Sue was pregnant and moved in within 3 months of their first date.

I just don't see any of this behaviour as stable, or healthy. I think John confuses intensity for intimacy, and I think beginning a new relationship and having a child with a stranger so fast is damaging to his existing child.

So, I don't wish to attend social engagements with John, and made this clear to my husband, who understands this choice.

However my absence at social gatherings has been noted and John and the wider friendship group are continually pressuring my husband to all spend time together.

I don't really want to cause drama, but I am just not interested in a friendship with this man or his new partner, when I so object to their life choices.

How do my husband and I navigate this with the wider group? Do we just explain to everyone else that I don't like John and won't be attending events he is at (noting this will probably get back to John and end my husband’s friendship with him, and cause a fraction in the wider group).

Finding a friendship group as a middle aged man is tough and it’s important to me that my husband has a social outlet, and so I don't mind if he spends time with John.

So far we have navigated this by me having other plans whenever the group hangs out together, but as they have frequent catch ups, this is becoming unsustainable.

Dislike the guy by any means and judge him if that's what you feel is ok but I'd just hold my nose and socialise occasionally for the benefit of my husband since the group is important to him

So, tell them that you won't join in as whenever John is there. Leaves them to either stop inviting you or stop inviting John. Problem solved.

This was essentially my question. is it the answer to say "hey I don't want to spend my limited social time with someone who has multiple DV allegations against them, please stop inviting me when he's there"

Or is there another way to handle the situation that limits the impact on my DH

This is essentially where I'm at. But it's sometimes catch ups twice a week!

The OP seems to have thrown that in to add weight to her argument. It's not even the part she's particularly bothered about, tbf.

The only thing she has shown any actual feelings towards is the fact he got together with someone soon after his dad died and they've intogether and had a baby quite quickly.

You seem very concerned with the social life of a man who is fine with one of his close friends being someone who has had multiple DV police callouts in previous relationships.

Well, in your OP it was a couple of accusations and now it's multiple allegations.

Actually, in your shoes I'd make sure I was going along and befriending his new partner so that if these accusations/allegations turn out to be true, she's got someome she can talk to.

No, the post was just worded badly. They're muddled together because I found out about both at the same time.

John basically said "sue is pregnant, hopefully she won't go crazy like my ex's" and then told the story of what happened with them.

Since then I've distanced myself.

But I appreciate your viewpoint and understand I could have been clearer

Yeah how dare she not want to spend her free time with someone she doesn’t like 🙄

Does the number matter?

Yeah tricky. It’s a shame DH doesn’t hold his friends to a higher standard of behaviour. I’d continue to avoid meeting as a 6 but encourage DH to arrange socials with the unproblematic couple.

And everybody else present just sat there laughing and saying 'You're hilarious, John!' as he recounted DV allegations with two previous partners? Including your husband?

I think this is where I went wrong in my OP. The reasons don't particularly matter. I don't want to spend time with this man.

But! A lot of other posters seem to be as judgy about me as I am about this couple so it seems I am at least in good company ha

This is what he's trying to do! He's known them a lot longer. But they keep inviting John!

No, DH and I were the only ones there. DH hasn't heard it before either.

You've got the responses you did because it's fairly clear you just don't like this guy and are producing reasons to justify this. In doing so, you make DV sound like some lapse in manners, like nose-picking.

Are you saying that none of the other people, including your husband, believe that John was violent towards previous partners?

That's helpful feedback, thank you. Yes I don't like John, that is very true. And I guess the reasons don't particularly matter why I don't like him.

John has told the other couple a complicated story about how each of the exes were "crazy" and it wasn't his fault and admitted things got hostile and physical but it was because they were pushing his buttons and then kind of brushed it all over.

His sons mother is described as being "controlling and demanding"

DH doesn't know what to think. He's a guy that can compartmentalise.

Bit weird for John to confide in you about the DV allegations.

I'd clean your own house before condemning John. Your child lives with a man so blasé about domestic violence.

No but it I find that, on here, waters get muddied when details get changed!

Tbhf, if he linked crazy exes to his new partner, then as I said before, I'd share your concerns.

But I think I'd be befriending his partner (whether I was really interested in doing so or not) rather than stepping away completely.

If what he has said is true and wasn't exaggerated for effect (eg to show just how crazy his exes were without considering how it reflected on him) then she may need a friend.

Thank you. Yes. I shall divorce DH

But as a previous poster tells me 1 in 5 relationships are abusive so I guess I'm just lucky he's not an actual abuser.

This is a really nice perspective and one I hadn't considered. Thank you.

It sounds like John could do with some serious therapy because he sounds like a relationship car crash.

I get you don't like this man OP, but I think you're being a bit unreasonable. How is he really affecting you? He's not actively seeking you out of being inappropriate/mean to you.

Could it be he triggers something in you that you'd rather not address?

At the moment.

Do you think it's healthy for your child to be around someone who can "compartmentalise" DV?

If your DH is fine with being friends with someone who you find abhorrent, does it really matter if it affects him? Maybe it should.