Husband furious after seizure linked to drinking and now refusing to talk

[TaupeBird]

Hi everyone,
I’m a newbie, never posted anything like this before, but I’m feeling a little lost right now and struggling with what to do.

Almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I had a great support from my husband, MIL, FIL & some friends. Since then I’ve had a few seizures while they worked out my medication, but I was seizure free for 2 years until this past weekend.

There has always seemed to be some link between my seizures and alcohol but when I brought it up with my consultant they couldn’t say yes or no, but suggested I minimised the amount of alcohol I consume, which was fine by me as I’m not a huge drinker. However over the 2 years I got more comfortable drinking alcohol, and probably became a bit complacent. This Saturday past I was out with friends and likely had more than I should have but whilst I was out I didn’t feel overly drunk, just feeling the effects a little.

The next day, we had a little family day out - me, my husband and our 3 kids, we had a good time until we left and as we were leaving I had a seizure. It was awful for everyone involved, obviously not good for me to go through but equally awful and traumatic for my husband and kids,I would never have wanted my kids to see it.

My husband is very angry with me and has said that I had put alcohol before him and my kids, he’s told me he can’t look at me, he told me I had to make a choice either the kids or the alcohol, which isn’t even a choice for me, it’s my kids every single time, over and above anything else, ever. He won’t talk to me, I feel like he hates me. He has told his mum not to tell me what they spoke about, which makes me think he has said things he doesn’t want me to know.

I’ve taken full responsibility for this situation, it was completely my fault and I’m so incredibly sorry to put them through this and now can’t drive for 12 months again, which does put more pressure on him, so I completely understand him being angry and disappointed but he just doesn’t seem to want to work through it. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t and I just want the love and support of my husband again.

For a while recently I’ve been worried that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now I feel like he is using g this as an excuse to drag things out even further.

I'm just devastated, I’ve tried talking to him but he’s just not interested.

You have been careless with alcohol by your own admission and some things can't be undone unfortunately.
You need to leave him to cool down and stick to your word re no alcohol to build trust.
If he decides to leave perhaps it is just the excuse hes been looking for. If so there's nothing you can do.
Work on you for now.

He sounds like an arsehole. He should be supporting you not childishly ignoring you. Does he drink?

Go with instinctive feelings they are usually correct.

Back off and start thinking about taking control of your own life without somebody who impacts negatively on your mental health, and fails to support you in the physical health issues.

I expect from his POV he needs to know you will never drink again. One drink is one too many in his eyes because of the possible risk of seizure and how it affects everyone.

For you there’s so much to deal with too. The fact you have this condition, how it affects you, the emotional impact as well as the physical. And I expect some guilt that you went and had an enjoyable time Saturday, took a risk (as you have before) but this time had a seizure.

Him not talking to you isn’t great (I hope he’s talking to you about other stuff? If not that’s emotionally abusive in itself) but perhaps you can say you need to discuss when he is ready to talk - you understand he may be frustrated and angry (as well as worried over the impact on the kids) but you’re a partnership and need to communicate.

Does he drink at all?

What does that matter? Presumably he doesn’t have epilepsy.

He should be supporting you with a difficult and unpredictable medical condition. Not berating you for enjoying yourself. You said yourself the consultant couldn't confirm or deny whether there is a link with alcohol. It could come on with stress, temperature change etc. I think his reaction sounds unfair and I am sad that you now feel guilty and are having to grovel for something you can't control!

It was a traumatic event- he had to manage your safety and needs, his own feelings, the children’s feelings. It’s not surprising he’s still scared and angry. Think of it as being like when your child has dashed into the road and you react by grabbing them back and shouting at them, from your own fear.

It isn’t unreasonable for him to take a while to come down from that, to be honest. I think you just have to wait it out, and demonstrate by your sensible behaviour that you will be more compliant with your treatment.

It’s a big deal. And you weren’t doing all that you could to avoid a relapse.

I’m on the fence really. He shouldn’t have shouted at you but do you think it’s because he’s stressed due to the trauma of the whole experience?

all you can do now is accept that you probably can’t drink at all just to eliminate that risk of it happening again.

I hope you are ok and this is the last time you have a health scare:
sorry but I’m with your husband.
you knew the risk around drinking alcohol and took it anyway. That was a choice you neee to own.
now your kids have seen you have a fit & your husband has to deal with the resulting restrictions on you & probably the fear he saw on your children’s faces.
he is probably sad and upset.
work on you & understanding why you made that decision to drink, let him stew and try to show your words and actions match in future.
good luck.

Can’t say I disagree with him. You were aware of the link between drinking and your seizures, your consultant told you to limit drinking.

The woman who I know can’t have alcohol as she ends up having a seizure so I think there is definitely a link there.

tiredness also sets them off so no late nights for her! If she goes to an event in the evening and knows she will be back late, she finishes work earlier and goes home for an afternoon sleep.

when you say that you’ve got more comfortable with alcohol, does this mean you’re drinking regularly?

has your husband expressed concerns before and you’ve ignored him and now this has happened?

It's not certain that the seizure was caused by the previous night of drinking, there is also a chance it was a coincidence (hot weather can be a trigger for some people too)

Tbh it sounds like there are other challenges in your relationship which have caused him to react in this way in conjunction with the fear/stress/additional feeling of responsibility he feels from the seizure itself.

I'd focus on evaluating whether this relationship is salvageable and if he isn't usually emotionally abusive then consider some joint therapy to work on the relationship- you should be operating as a team rather than him treating you like a naughty child

Alcohol is notorious for lowering the seizure threshold in lots of people with epilepsy. What if you'd been driving?!

Clearly with so much at stake, it's best not to drink at all any more. But as others have said there could be a number of triggers. My brother is more susceptible to seizures if he gets overtired.

I’m trying to leave him to cool down, but the more I’m left with my thoughts the more I worry and get upset.

I'm just going to have to focus on me and the kids for now and hope he comes back round eventually.

Im really surprised your consultant seemed to be on the fence, it’s given you a false sense of security.

alcohol significantly reduces the seizure threshold with you being especially susceptible within a couple of days after.

yes he does drink, in all honesty he drinks more than I do.

I would give him some grace
Seizures and sn awful thing to go through, but they are also terrifying to watch. Seeing your wife have a seizure in a different place, in public, in front of your kids while you are also managing them

You might find he is frightened and lashing out

I'd wait a few days before any rash decisions

When my wife had a car crash i found myself a bit angry, but was just processing it i think

Sorry I think you’re being incredibly selfish . I say this with absolute kindness and not wanting to scare you, my best friend had epilepsy and alcohol was her trigger. She got diagnosed at 18 and told not to drink, she didn’t listen and drank and had numerous fits until she had one that she didn’t survive at 21. Yes it’s scary for you but to witness the fits is horrific for anyone and I will never forget my friends. Don’t be that person, think of your health and your family

Completely agree, it was complete stupidity, and I have no issue with him being angry and disappointed. I have issue with him not wanting to work it out.

I have epilepsy and on medication. Please, I am not judging, but you should not drink. at all ever. I do believe with epilepsy comes great responsibility if you have your driving licence back (I know the post didn't mention this) or you are in charge of your children alone. You need to stop drinking to minimise the chances of a seizure and to let the medication work. Your husband is understandably angry and I can see why. I hope it's a wake up call for you to get the help you need. Big hugs, my post really isn't here for judgement, hope you're feeling better soon x.

Presumably him drinking doesn't mean he will have a seizure that means he can't drive for a year, putting all the pressure on you when you have 3 children?

If I’m being totally honest I would be fuming if this was my husband and would give him an ultimatum not to drink again.

I'm surprised people with epilepsy are able to drive at all. My brother rarely has a seizure, likely not had one for years but does not drive at all any more.