DH says I am being unreasonable

[changedmyname24]

DH is very unhappy atm. Made redundant a couple of years ago & now in less than great job, we don't have loads of money & I don't think he has come to terms with DMIL dying in 2021. He is openly jealous of me as I work half the week & have lots of friends & love my job.

We have 3 DC age 12, 15 & 17. 15 is disabled & needs somebody with him at all times, hence me only working part time. I work every other Saturday so DH is with DC then. We both go out - him more than me by about 3 & DS1 babysits around 1-2 evenings per month. We have no other help except maybe 1-2 nights per year from FIL, due to distance. I would like to develop my career but can't see how I could due to caring duties.

DH has been doing stand up comedy in London, about 1 hour away. He is good. He has now been offered a place in a big competition at the Edinburgh Fringe, it has made lots of big names. I am happy for him, but also scared for me. I see a future of late nights, weekends & me alone with the DC. I don't know if I could cope. I already struggle on weeks when he is out 2-3 nights (at least once a month). DH says I am being selfish & should be supportive of him no questions & no doubts.

Even for the Fringe itself he is away a whole weekend, on a day I'm working & it will cost money when we haven't yet booked a holiday. He says he is supportive of whatever I do & has been when I wanted to go away with friends in the past. I didn't do it in the end, because it felt like too much.

Well done if you have read this. My question is, should i be more supportive?

That’s a really hard situation, but what leaps out at me is he doesn’t seem to want to talk about how to manage or improve things - he just wants you to be supportive with no questions or doubts.

Thats not reasonable, or sustainable in a partnership. You can absolutely be supportive of him doing this while also wanting to talk through how it works for the family.

So maybe try to talk to him again - frame it as obviously you’re proud of him, excited that he’s doing well at this, pleased that he’s found something he really enjoys. You just want to talk through how this works, you’re not asking whether he should do it just how it will work as it feels challenging right now.

Yes, you should be more supportive of him. Probably not the answer you wanted though

You're right, it's not the answer I wanted but it's good to hear nonetheless.

What I'm struggling with is the idea that he will potentially have lots of nights out while I have to stay home with our disabled teenager. I may well have to give up the job I love too, because the every other Saturday is non-negotiable & I can't do that if he's not here.

You work part-time, he works full time, I’d support him re the fringe festival and see what happens from there, it sounds like an opportunity of potential regret if not taken.

Given up a job you love would be an issue, could you employ a companion on twice a month for those Saturdays if needed or carer depending on needs.

We don't have enough money for this & I don't know who would look after DS2. The combination of his age & his particular condition means that most people are reluctant to look after him, including family & most recently a SEN group he attends.

Short-term, I think you should be very supportive of his stand-up comedy. You mention that he is somewhat miserable about his current circumstances so if this is bringing him joy, you need to support it. (It might not last forever ...)

I know people love holidays but they're only a week or two of the year so I think you should invest in this day-to-day, year-round activity which is helping your DH cope with the less pleasant parts of the daily grind. So definitely talk to him about the logistics and be ready to compromise here. The alternative is that your DH becomes more miserable and resentful.

Maybe you could all have a holiday together in Edinburgh and go to his show/competition? Maybe FIL could join you for this? You say you are working on one of the Fringe days but could you swap with someone?

I figure you are on highway to nowhere if you don’t support him. If he fails he will blame you forever for stressing him out on his one major opportunity to succeed. If he succeeds you’ll be the wife who didn’t believe in him or want him to succeed. The outcome of both scenarios is that he leaves you and you have to cope on your own. If you value your relationship then you should maybe become supportive. If he is successful you will potentially have more money for help I guess. My husband made me stay in a job I was deeply unhappy in when I begged to leave. I blamed him for every unhappy day afterwards. I did eventually leave with his support. If he hadn’t have supported me later I would have left him.

He has already booked his flight & hotel for this. It does mean we're unlikely to have a holiday this year as it takes most of that budget.

i think you should be supportive but he needs to realise what it actually means in terms of family life, your job etc and help come up with a suitable way of managing it. He doesn’t get to check out of all responsibility because of this opprtunity

My work have turned down my request for annual leave as it books up very far in advance & I only learned about this a few days ago.

I think you should support the Edinburgh competition and see where it leads. Maybe nowhere, in which case you can draw a line under it and move on. But maybe it'll lead to something good? The latter is hugely unlikely to be a full time thing, unless he turns out to be the next Michael McKintyre, but a (paid) gig now and again would surely be a good thing?

Yes you should be supportive of him but he should also be willing to take on board your very real concerns about the effect this potentially life changing project of his will have on your life and family life in general.

This isn't something where he can go off and do his own thing without it having an impact on you. You are supposed to be a partnership and there needs to be conversations about making this work for all of the family, not just him.

This is all very interesting & it does seem that I am being unreasonable. I really didn't think I was, but it is good to get other opinions. I just need to buckle up & deal with it.

What's your husband's solution for this? Why is it down to you to work out? It's his Saturday that he normally does childcare, so surely he should be coming up with solutions.

That aside, he sounds very unhappy and I think you should think about that aspect of it and how resentment could eat away at him if he doesn't do this

If he does do well, wouldn't that potentially mean money you could throw at additional support at home?

I think you should suck it up on this occasion for the Fringe, but long-term, something has to give.

If he's unhappy at work, he needs to be putting efforts into changing his day job as well as into the comedy.

Nobody will look after DS2 regardless of money 😏

I seem to be the only person here to think this is not ok? It sounds like other posters are siding with the husband because he works full time and isn’t happy about it but OP works full time 24/6 (except for Saturday) as a carer! In addition this comedy gig is a hobby-a costly one at that. This is coming out of joint family money and is costing everyone a holiday.

I doubt if anything O say will make a difference. Underlying all this deference to the dh is a well founded fear that unhappy men will walk away from wife and disabled children if they don’t get a treat.

I think OP will have to let him go but be prepared that he may dump everything for a new solo career in comedy.

She works full time, unless you don't think caring for a disabled teen half the week is work.

I think it sounds like an amazing opportunity so for that reason I’d do whatever I could to support my husband if it was important to him. Knowing that if the shoe were on the other foot, he’d do the same for me.

You work on Saturdays. He if he can’t look after your son on Saturdays, that’s his problem to sort out. He wants to spend your family holiday money on something else. Fine - he needs to replace that find so that you can go on holiday. These two things are perfectly reasonable and you can still be supportive.

Paid carer not an option? (Genuine ask, my friend has an adult - 22 - disabled child and they have a paid carer/companion come in once or twice a week)

You're not being unreasonable to want to talk about and work out your doubts and concerns. You clearly do a lot for your DC on top of working. It's not your fault he doesn't like his job.

What level of care does he need? Personal care / toileting? Is he violent / aggressive?

Why can his 17yo sibling manage him but not paid carers?

It's a chance of a lifetime, so I do think he should do the Edinburgh trip.

I also think it's his job to sort out support/babysitting/whatever to facilitate this.