Boyfriend tells pointless little lies and I cannot understand why

[Niveashell]

My boyfriend tells stupid lies, I really don’t know why. A silly example is that if I mention a new song and say I like it and has he heard it he will say yes it’s a great song. I generally know when he’s saying it it sounds like a lie but then say a few weeks later I mention the band again and he will say never heard of them or the song. That’s seems so trivial but it’s all the time. It could be a restaurant I want to go to and he will say I love that place and then when we go he will say it’s the first time he’s been (clearly forgetting he’s said he’s been before). If I bring it up he will say “oh yes I think it was a few years ago but I can’t quite remember”

what’s the point of these lies? I think it’s to just make himself look better somehow (even though I don’t care if he’s been there before or not)

has anyone ever had similar to this? We’re together nearly a year and both early 40s

What was his childhood like? I read years ago that compulsive lying can start from feeling ashamed of neglect that’s happening at home, children lie to try and cover up what’s going on at home and the habit sticks.
Could you sit him down and explain.. No judgement but it’s causing me not to trust you and you need to get help to stop.
I have a friend who does the same and I take everything she says with a pinch of salt.

Hmm - I don't think that sounds like people-pleasing at all.

I think it's much more narcissistic than that - people-pleasers don't say self-aggrandising things, which it sounds like he's doing.

Alternatively, if you really don't think he's trying to make himself seem more experienced/sophisticated/successful (or whatever) than he is - I saw a really interesting interview with a diagnosed psychopath (not the violent kind) the other day. He said that telling random inconsequential lies was very common for people like him - it's a habitual part of the 'masking' they do to gain the confidence of others.

I realise that this is a fairly dramatic thing to say lol, but it might be worth a look to see if you recognise any other behaviours.

It's here:

As an aside, the top comment on the clip is 'surely his barber is the psychopath' which is excellent.

Interesting. There was a girl in my class at secondary school who lied constantly. In her case I don't think it was neglect but could have been abuse. I remember after her lying about something at about age 15 her dad saying he "ought to give her a good hiding" which wasn't a normal thing to say even in the 80s

Also I saw her online saying it didn't do her any harm to have hidings

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who did this. He would lie all the time about inconsequential things and it used to drive me mad. I also felt like I couldn't rely or trust anything he said which made me uncomfortable.

It was one of the many reasons I split up with him.

Looking back to how he was with the lies and other aspects of his personality (lots of energy, finding it difficult to focus/finish a task) I do wonder if he was neuro diverse in some way. Being ND wasn't a thing in the late 80s/early 90s.

I've never been out with anyone quite like him.

Threatening a good hiding was very much a thing to say in the 1980s because my dad used to say it to me.

I feel the same antipathy to people who post self aggrandising shit on facebook portraying some glossy uber-smiley life when the reality is so different. It’s all lies, and rather than looking impressive it just looks a bit desperate. It is a glimpse of someone lacking in character and integrity. If you can’t cope with your raw normal self, you have work to do.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

Surely honesty in your relationships/friendships is the basic in life....

Micro destabilisation

If someone creates uncertainty about the certain and distorts the trivial they are doing it in preparation for more intense lies. They can alter your perception from the outset with this tactic and then are prone to gaslighting.

@Backedoffhackedoff I don’t agree at all. Our friend had a father who thought she was amazing and so does her mum. She’s well educated and had a very good job - PR spin! It’s a character flaw and a need to compete. Nothing to do with safety.

You will never be able to trust him, do with that what you will.

This. The fact that he lies about such trivial matters, tells you that lying is woven into the fabric of who he is. He doesn't even think about it. He's a habitual liar. It's an extremely corrosive trait in any relationship.

I would suggest you do some research about why people lie as it could help you understand his behaviour. We all do it at some point and although I am someone who says I don't like lying there are times I do tell a small white lie, often to protect myself from shame or to protect someone else's feelings.
I had a friend in my teens that would lie about random things and eventually I spoke to him about it and it was basically because of insecurity and wanting people to like him. I have a friend now who I have heard lie to others, usually people we don't know, about things in his life. These are usually what I would call 'status' lies and are again his insecurities.

Can you have a gentle conversation with your partner about this. It might be a habit he doesn't think about or recognise the consequence of how it might make you feel.

@bigboykitty We have noticed our friend is liked and admired by many people. They seem to be oblivious or they think the friendship is more important than the lies. They are not constant though but we are aware other friends think like us. It had occurred to us that our friends dad put her on a very high pedestal. He clearly thought she was a princess and was perfect. I think she lies to preserve that persona. Her DF died some years ago but it’s still there and we’ve seen it resurface again recently. We just don’t take everything at face value. It’s not sinister but it is odd when some of the lies can actually be fact checked!

My SIL is like this, drives me absolutely insane. Literally can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth. She will mimic whatever you are saying and say she is facing the same dilemma.

I agree it is a form of people pleasing. She is VERY senior (£350k/year salary).

Do you know what his childhood was like?

Did he grow up with someone pouncing and picking apart whatever he said?

Did he have a childhood fearing the consequences of disagreeing, so automatically going along with whatever they said in the moment, to placate, keep the peace and avoid drama? Then later on when the tension had passed and the conversation forgotten, not remember the details?

Has he kept this people pleasing habit into adulthood as his only way of dealing with the potential consequences of having a different opinion?

We've no way of knowing what his point of view or experience might be, here.

Wouldn’t want to continue dating him.

That makes a lot of sense. It's often to boost self esteem or to hide character flaws and it can definitely become ingrained in childhood, to the extent that it's barely in the person's awareness that they continue to do it. They can also underestimate other people's capacity to recognise it. It's a different thing to manage it in a group of friends compared to in an intimate relationship with a partner who's supposed to be your most trusted person.

Lots of lying is a massive red flag and would be an instant dump from me.

He doesn’t want you to be ‘more knowledgeable’ about things than he is and wants you to think he’s ‘beat you to it’ 🤮 how insecure and pathetic of him

@bigboykittyI think in a relationship it’s very difficult. I see it at times in DH. Only child and always “right”. Will say black is white to be top dog. I don’t think his parents ever called him out and he is rarely challenged. It’s often “recollections may differ” but me and DDs do call him out. He definitely has a need to be admired! We’ve been married 45 years and he has some redeeming features but self reflection isn’t in his dna!

When people have parents who think they are amazing, that puts a lot of pressure on them.

If they have learned that their parent thinking they're amazing is based upon what they do/achieve (eg success) rather than who they are as a person (eg kind, resilient) then their fear is that, if they don't 'succeed', they will lose the love.

Therefore, their safety is built around maintaining that position of 'amazing' in the eyes of others/their parent. Hence the competitiveness and the lies.

After all, people generally know their own strengths and weaknesses and people who are told they are amazing can feel guilt and fear at the times they are not being amazing.

It's complex.

My ex had an awful overbearing mother and she used to kick up a huge fuss over the most insignificant of issues.

Consequently he used to just come out with what he thought you wanted him to say almost as a knee jerk reaction and sometimes this would in effect be a lie. Like the OPs example of agreeing with me that something was great or conversely awful. It was almost avoidant behaviour because he couldn’t deal with any sort of conflict (when obviously there wouldn’t be because they’re non contentious).

Also he would lie about the most mundane things where if he’d told the truth it might have been mildly annoying but I would definitely not have kicked off. In fact most people say I’m too laid back!

Sometimes it's simply people who treat others really badly but lie about it to feel better about themselves. It's not always low self esteem or not feeling good enough.

Even if it is low self-esteem or fragile self-image, that doesn't mean it should be overlooked or accepted. You might understand why they do it, but unless they're doing the work to change those behaviours, I don't see how it isn't damaging and a dealbreaker.

If they can't admit to not knowing a restaurant, how are they going to admit to, say, a parking ticket or unpaid bill? How are they going to show up and be accountable when they actually make mistakes?