Boyfriend tells pointless little lies and I cannot understand why

[Niveashell]

My boyfriend tells stupid lies, I really don’t know why. A silly example is that if I mention a new song and say I like it and has he heard it he will say yes it’s a great song. I generally know when he’s saying it it sounds like a lie but then say a few weeks later I mention the band again and he will say never heard of them or the song. That’s seems so trivial but it’s all the time. It could be a restaurant I want to go to and he will say I love that place and then when we go he will say it’s the first time he’s been (clearly forgetting he’s said he’s been before). If I bring it up he will say “oh yes I think it was a few years ago but I can’t quite remember”

what’s the point of these lies? I think it’s to just make himself look better somehow (even though I don’t care if he’s been there before or not)

has anyone ever had similar to this? We’re together nearly a year and both early 40s

@Ladybyrd for real ? 🐬

What did I just read?!😳

I think someone had shrooms for breakfast

Ok….I do this.

It’s an instinctive immediate reflex - if I’m in a group of people talking about loving a particular restaurant that I haven’t actually been to and don’t like the look of, I’ll usually go along with it, talk as though I’ve been there as well (by repeating things I’ve seen online about it or heard from somebody else).

It comes out of my mouth with no conscious thought and afterwards I’ll think “oh fuck why did I say that, what a pointless stupid lie!”, I don’t ever plan to do it in advance, it just happens in the normal flow of the conversation.

In my case I think it comes from having a really weird childhood (not unhappy or troubled, but very unusual in the quite small insular town we lived in) - I felt really intense embarrassment about how odd and different our family was, never invited people over, never told the truth about how we spent our weekends, and just generally lied to fit in.

People definitely still knew about some of the weirdness and I was bullied a bit, but I mostly hid it and just lied to seem more normal.

Its something I’m consciously trying to stop, and I don’t lie about big things or plan in advance to lie - it’s a habit borne of a form of people pleasing/fitting in so just going along with stuff.

Obviously you may not want to be with somebody who does that, fair enough, but just offering a possible explanation.

This is my sister. She goes out of her way to say something was grea, the price was x or she went there or someone said x to her. Only to find out it never happened, none of it. The family including our nan calls her liar behind her back! They are the most pointless lies ever. I remember her saying she bought a brand new car for x. My brother wanted one for that price so went to order one too. The
guy remembered my sister and told him it wasn’t true and she actually paid £10,000 more. When confronted with this, she replied that’s right I forgot?! I pressed her about it and asked her why she lies a lot because everyone has noticed. She admitted she couldn’t help it as she likes to make herself look more interesting!

I know someone who does this. I think it’s a mix of not listening very well, people pleasing and wanting to be included.

Great. Just double checking that person wasn't me!!!😂

It definitely does come from a people pleasing place for some people. I recognise my childhood self in CornishCornetto's post. I was always the new kid and I had very strict parents. I remember fibbing about having seen things on TV that I wasn't allowed to watch, what time my bedtime was (it was the same time as my toddler much younger sister - 6pm until I started secondary school) and about liking bands I had no interest in or knowledge of. I don't do it as an adult, though.

My ex did this endlessly. Stupid things and easy to spot. He later went on to lie about how much he made (so he didn't have to contribute as much to the pot) and an affair. I now have very little tolerance for even small 'harmless' lies

A lot of people are giving excuses for his behaviour but honestly some people are just straight up liars and he sounds like one of them. I used to know a girl like this and it's gross. I honestly don't have any time at all for this shit. I'd say you should tell him it's obvious he's lying, it's embarrassing and ask him why he's doing it but on reflection I'd just stop seeing him because why bother.

I watched Scamanda on iPlayer last night, and they interviewed an old school friend.

Trish said that Amanda told daft lies back then, and she said that (even as kids) she knew she couldn’t/shouldn’t call Amanda out, cos the silly lies were just part of her personality.

Silly, easily disprovable lies that wouldn’t fool an 8 year old would drive me absolutely crazy. I genuinely couldn’t tolerate that in a grown man.

🤣 Its the only possible explanation for that anecdote.

I think it wins the thread?

Check for early onset cognitive decline.

@Niveashell We have a friend who still does this and she’s in her 60s. She also boasts about how much something costs and then is very tight about other things! It’s very odd.

What a fabulously self-aware post.

It's really helpful and everything you say makes sense. Incidentally, I think it's not as unusual in children, and with your background probably quite a normal social coping development. But I think it should fade by adulthood - but you are aware of that by the sound of it.

Who does this?! Not arguing with you but just thinking about the kind of blank slate of a person who would be so absent in a conversation and so divorced from their own feelings that they just lie to your face to keep the conversation beige. We have AI for that, we really don't need that quality in our partners.

I have friends and a family member who do this and I believe in all cases the reason is some version of this. It’s feeling insecure/socially awkward/people pleasing/wanting to belong in response to feelings of being on the outer in some way during childhood.

I don’t think it’s a red flag. None of the people I know who do it ever tell lies about big or important things. It’s just these little lies. They’re the sort of lies children and teenagers tell to fit in but some people don’t grow out of it.

I am a fairly confrontational person, for better or worse, and if it were my partner I think I’d have to say something. I’d do it gently, but say I’ve noticed the contradict themselves a lot and I wondered if there was some reason they felt they needed to say they’d done things or experienced things they actually hadn’t. They can deny it’s the case, of course, but bringing it up directly will probably make it harder for them to continue it. I think it’s a kindness to do this because these people do tend to become known as liars and no one wants that for their loved ones. I think a lot of the time they don’t realise how obvious their lies are and that everyone knows.

Perhaps he isn't really listening so has no idea what song or restaurant you were talking about, so just says yes.

Yes I definitely know I should have stopped by now! I’ve had therapy to try and combat it, and I find I’m sometimes able to stop it now or sort of reverse course/correct myself in the moment (like I might say “oh yes that’s a great film…..oh wait sorry is it the one with John cena in? No, ignore me, I haven’t seen that yet”, as though I’d just got confused for a minute).

It’s not normal in adulthood I agree.

Talk to him. Lay your card on the table about how it’s making you doubt the relationship. Ask him not to try to impress you as you don’t need to be impressed, you’d rather be able to trust him- which is the most impertinent building block of a relationship.

If he can’t/won’t stop then I couldn’t continue - but give him a chance first.

I totally agree with this, whatever the reason is behind it I don’t really care, I couldn’t listen to this and think ‘oh well it’s okay because xxx’ I could not be bothered to have any sort of conversation with someone where I couldn’t trust a word that comes out of their mouth, I like honesty.

I like a quiet life will just agree or play along for ease guess that baked me a pathological lier

Well being aware is the most important first step.

I think what you have described is a good way of catching yourself and repositioning. We all have our quirks, and you understand where it has come from, so don't be too hard on yourself!

I had a friend at school who I absolutely got on like a house on fire with. But she was having a tricky childhood due to the illness of one of her parents. She moved schools in year and she lied about lots of things - partly to fit in I think and partly to make her life seem better than it was. I wish she had known that she didn't need to do that.

Thank you @Calliopespa :)

Just to elaborate - she’s talked about jewellery she allegedly owns that her husband had never seen, Michelin starred restaurants she’s been to - without her husband apparently, and it’s always something to make her look better than everyone else but we all know it’s lies! What makes it difficult is that no one really knows what to believe and what isn’t true when it’s more nuanced. Sometimes it’s obvious but she spins everything to make her look good, and it’s tiresome! I do prefer people who are straightforward to talk to.