Boyfriend tells pointless little lies and I cannot understand why

[Niveashell]

My boyfriend tells stupid lies, I really don’t know why. A silly example is that if I mention a new song and say I like it and has he heard it he will say yes it’s a great song. I generally know when he’s saying it it sounds like a lie but then say a few weeks later I mention the band again and he will say never heard of them or the song. That’s seems so trivial but it’s all the time. It could be a restaurant I want to go to and he will say I love that place and then when we go he will say it’s the first time he’s been (clearly forgetting he’s said he’s been before). If I bring it up he will say “oh yes I think it was a few years ago but I can’t quite remember”

what’s the point of these lies? I think it’s to just make himself look better somehow (even though I don’t care if he’s been there before or not)

has anyone ever had similar to this? We’re together nearly a year and both early 40s

your examples sound like they might not be lies he’s just not remembering whether he has been or not.

if someone asks me do I like a particular song I often struggle to remember it from the name.

i mean if he’s lying to you deliberately that’s different but it’s not clear from your examples that he is

It's possibly a form of people pleasing?

But then why not just say he can’t remember, instead of saying yes he’s heard the song or yes he’s been to the restaurant?

Thanks for your reply. These sound so small and pointless but there’s many more and I just feel by how he says it he is lying.

the some was on the radio so it wasn’t just me recalling it

and the restaurant he said “oh yeah I love that place, used to go there all the time in the summer” as its outdoor dining. Then said he’s not been before? When I said you said you were always there in the summer he got flustered and said he couldn’t quite remember

I think that’s exactly it. But these things are so insignificant I can’t understand the need to try to lie to please me about them?

I have a pretty long-term friend who does this. It's weird, isn't it, and I feel it makes it a bit difficult to completely trust her, despite the fact that the lies seem to be trivial. I think with my friend it's almost a social reflex- it's not premeditated, lies just seem to fall out of her mouth, and I think it's underpinned by some sort or insecurity. She's quite touchy about it if anyone broaches it.

Well there's always the alternative, which is my DH, who I reckon disagrees on purpose over not much! He just likes a good debate over something. I guess we're all different.

There isn't a possibility he isn't really listening is there? Cos apparently i do this regarding all sorts of things my dc tell me about at great length: "But Mummy you said that was your FAVOURITE character/manoeuvre/part of the story/"

Telling lies stems from either learned behaviour or is the sign of psychological or personality issues.

If a person is a liar it's very unlikely they will change. And the lies will not just be about small things, they will be about anything and everything.

Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who lies. Not being able to trust what they say isnt the basis for a happy and relaxing relationship

You will never know where you are with someone like that and you will never trust a word he says, i couldn’t be with him personally.

Yes I find it so odd because I’m the opposite, I’m just honest and wouldn’t lie to try to impress someone at this old age.
i feel generally he’s stories about work etc too are exaggerated and not always believable

I think with my friend it's almost a social reflex- it's not premeditated, lies just seem to fall out of her mouth, and I think it's underpinned by some sort or insecurity.

I think that's very true that it can be social reflex. I have seen children do this: in a group they agree that something is very cool, then if you ask their mum if they'd like a birthday gift along those lines, they tell you their dc has never been/heard of it etc.

But it is disturbing if it lasts into adulthood and I can totally see how it just erodes trust generally.

I do this all the time. I have poor recall, and it’s so much more awkward in a conversation when someone asks you ‘do you remember this exact thing we did together’ to say ‘no’ or ‘did you watch the match’ to explain that you watched 20 mins in the middle. It’s just a bit of a tactic to keep the conversation flowing and not look stupid, imo.

But I really don’t care about white lies like that. If you do, you do.

i feel generally he’s stories about work etc too are exaggerated and not always believable

Curiouser and curiouser OP ...🚩

I am too !

My DH is like this! I swear to god, sometimes he just says the opposite to my opinion just to start a discussion. Sometimes it’s ok, sometimes it pisses me off. Depending on how important the subject matter is!
I would say that my first instinct is that he is agreeing with you in order to bond with you and keep you happy and liking him. The examples you give appear to be him attempting to have the same taste as you. He wants you to like him and believe you have lots in common.

Sounds like it. It becomes a habit to default to agree with someone/something without conscious thought. Almost an instinctive reaction, maybe due to stress/anxiety. What kind of personality does he have generally? Does he have lots of friends etc? Is he introverted? How good is he meeting new people or in social situations?

It could be that he’s just trying to please the OP and can’t help himself.

Doesnt have to mean he’d lie when it came to important things.

I couldn’t put up with this. How long have you been together? This kind of behaviour is usually to make themselves appear more interesting but I’d be worried about underlying character/personality.

He may want to keep the conversation flowing, he may not want to admit he doesn't know something you know, even about a song or restaurant. Seems that being accurate is low on his priorities. Could be tricky if he does it about important things.

This is not a good trait - people who routinely lie will do it for big things as well as little ones. It gets them out of trouble or any awkward situation so they will utilise it whenever they deem it necessary. It makes them fundamentally dishonest and untrustworthy because they don't have the moral fibre to accept the consequences of being truthful. It signifies a weak character and would give me the ick.

It is just when you put it alongside the stories that seem a bit far-fetched about what happened at work etc, it starts to move into a realm of what CAN you believe, which isn't really a basis for a good relationship.

Lots of children do this, and also the agreeing thing to create a sense of belonging in a group when developing social awareness of others, but at 40 I think it would be normal to have moved past that?

Because social skills are high level and learned behaviours. If he didn’t have a good opportunity to learn them- bullied at school, ND, erratic parents, then he’s having to rely on random strategies that may or may not work in all situations.

He’s trying to be agreeable, avoid arguing, contradicting etc. Trying to fit in with the group (even if only 2). He feels safer that way.

I remember at school being hauled over the coals for not having a favourite Durani, or wearing the wrong brand of trousers. It was an absolute minefield and I wasn’t equipped for it. From the outside, it was really hard to know what to say to ‘pass’.

It took me ages to feel confident in my own opinions and experiences to ‘simply’ disagree.

This.

My sister, who I’m NC with, is and always has been, a pathological liar. It goes from small things, like what people said or did, to complete lies to ruin someone’s life and mental health. I don’t know if there are other reasons to be a consistent liar, but in my sisters’ case she is almost a textbook narcissist. Not some sad person that people pleases or whatever, just someone who is controlling, toxic and abusive. Look up narcissistic traits and see if any of it fits, as it’s one of their hallmarks. I couldn’t be with someone who lies, big or small, I’d be too nervous about not being able to trust someone fully. What else could he be lying about?

🚩 just had a spare one of these, I'm just going to pop it here for a bit.

....I will often change my reply as to which minion/Disney princess/bed time story I like if speaking to my DC because I don't honestly remember what I said the last time.(But they remember!)

But. This is more than that op, he might have a rather wobbly relationship with the truth, and it's already making you unsure of his motives, or be able to have a straightforward, low stakes, conversation with him.

Those lies wouldn’t bother me. I had a boyfriend who told me he was swimming in the sea and a dolphin with an erection hooked his penis in his trunks and started towing him out to sea. I did find those kind of lies a bit pathetic but maybe it’s just me.