Boyfriend tells pointless little lies and I cannot understand why

[Niveashell]

My boyfriend tells stupid lies, I really don’t know why. A silly example is that if I mention a new song and say I like it and has he heard it he will say yes it’s a great song. I generally know when he’s saying it it sounds like a lie but then say a few weeks later I mention the band again and he will say never heard of them or the song. That’s seems so trivial but it’s all the time. It could be a restaurant I want to go to and he will say I love that place and then when we go he will say it’s the first time he’s been (clearly forgetting he’s said he’s been before). If I bring it up he will say “oh yes I think it was a few years ago but I can’t quite remember”

what’s the point of these lies? I think it’s to just make himself look better somehow (even though I don’t care if he’s been there before or not)

has anyone ever had similar to this? We’re together nearly a year and both early 40s

@SqueakyFrommeAbsolutely for real. He used to tell tall tales and I’d just let him get on with it. “Hmm.” “Fascinating.” “That’s nice dear.” I think it was a competition with himself to see just how outrageous a story he could get me to believe. It got very old very quickly.

I had a friend who used to lie like that too. Bring in a photo of her new boyfriend - he’s at college. No, that’s Roger in our year. I used to live in Dorset. I once flew in a hot air balloon. Like I say, “That’s nice dear.” Bizarre behaviour.

Yes, I’d put this down to people pleasing which although irritating wouldn’t be a deal breaker. I’d just call them out on it. The outrageous made up stories are a totally different ballgame .

Bit of a turn off, isn't it.

@Ladybyrd crikey that is on another level. Reminds me of a post here recently where an ex showed a photo of his new girlfriend and it was Jennifer Lopez 🤣

Usually people do this because they don’t feel safe. It’s a protective response and very likely unconscious

I think it’s either he’s trying to get you to like him by agreeing with you/trying to be someone else. Or he feels he is very boring and/or he’s insecure so lies to make himself seem more interesting. We all have insecurities, but being a generally insecure person (and a liar!) isn’t great in a relationship. What is your gut feeling about why he does it?

I don't want to blow this out of proportion OP, it might be completely different. The person I knew who did this was Schizoprenic. I once asked them why they constantly lied they said they didn't know.

😆

People be strange.

I couldn’t be doing with this from a partner - he’s in his 40s, no one gives a shit whether he’s been to a Wagamamas before or heard the latest from Harry Styles. How do you know if they’re telling the truth about the present you got them or the film you went to see or the holiday you’ve booked though if they’re constantly lying about inconsequential rubbish?

I had a boyfriend who did this. He would tell me he went to the black horse pub with Steve last night whereas he actually went to the coach and horses with Adam . Had he lied because he gone out with another girl the reason for the lie would have made sense ( although obviously I wouldn’t have liked it) . When I questioned him as to why he’d lied ( again) he’d shrug and say he didn’t know. I really loved him but ended our relationship after a year because I knew eventually I wanted children and I couldn’t have a family with someone I didn’t trust at all. I ended up not believing a word he said and that’s no way to be in a relationship. Years later I ran into him by accident and he apologised for the way he’d treated me but still couldn’t tell me why he lied constantly. A bullet dodged!

I have zero tolerance for lying after a very long a difficult relationship with someone who couldn't tell the truth about anything. There's just no genuine human connection there, you may as well be talking to AI.
Only you know if this bothers you and can be excused, but it would be a huge no from me.

I think there are at least two kinds of people: the kind (like me) who think words literally mean something and you use them socially to get closer to people by telling them literal truths (even trivial ones); and the kind who think words are just tools you use in the moment to get outcomes you want, including a sort of comfortable feel. If you are the first kind, you find the second kind slippery and maybe evasive or manipulative. There is a limit to how close you can really get, it will be an arms length friendship.
I am curious about how the second kind find us, to get on with. Do they prefer their own kind and find us maybe abrasive, pedantic and contrarian?

When I was about 10 another kid's lies got me into a lot of trouble in school. I was a naive child and convinced that if I looked the teacher in the eye and told the truth I would be believed. Despite telling the honest truth the other child's word was taken over mine. I was bullied by the teacher into admitting something I had not done. It caused me such trauma that I had a sort of mini breakdown and failed the 11 plus. The incident taught me that truth tellers are not always believed. Often it is the clever and manipulative liars who prosper and divert trouble from themselves. It changed my entire personality. Nowadays my relationship with "the truth" is a flexible one.

@Newstartplease24 well I don’t think I can speak for everybody who lies but personally….i don’t like liars. If I notice somebody lying I will tend to back off from them/start limiting contact, because it’s kind of pointless and fake to have a relationship where you have no idea which bits are true.

So I wouldn’t assume that people who find themselves instinctively telling lies don’t also value the truth and dislike the fact that they lie.

Having been raised by a compulsive liar I am now the extreme opposite so this would have me sending him off on his merry way. In my case the parent just loved 'getting one up' on people she lied to and the lies were ridiculous but some downright harmful too so it has taught me that telling the truth while not always what people want to hear, is better than ever trying to remember a lie.

MIL does this, to a pathological degree. She will lie in the moment if she thinks it's what you want to hear. She will lie if she fucks things up. She will also tell entire stories that are bollocks to make herself look good. She had a physically/psychologically abusive father so I assume a lot of it originally came from that (she's in her 80s now)

It drives me bonkers though. The long winded just making shit up in particular. I first realised the extent of it when she invented a load of twaddle about how, in the run up to our wedding, my Mum was having a bit of a meltdown and MIL sat her down and gave her loads of sage advice about 'not losing a daughter but gaining a son' . It was complete piffle, non of the circumstances/timelines added up, my Mum doesn't do meltdowns in front of virtual strangers (ILs live in the States) and MIL can't actually give good advice to save her life. Mostly because she doesn't listen properly to anything or anyone.

It's a particular pain now because DH tries to help manage her affairs from afar and when things go wrong you know you'll never ever get to the bottom of what she actually did. Because she's an entirely unreliable narrator, and defensive and aggressive to boot.

Some of my family does this - I think because they grew up with caregivers who do it too, so just think it's normal and acceptable. Those of us who don't do it - its only because we found it really annoying/it affected us negatively in some way/ we stopped to think how silly it was and chose to correct it. Whereas other people in the family I guess didn't have that moment of self-reflection and change so continue the pattern.

I agree think it's a form of people-pleasing/ stemming from insecurity and wanting to be l

Some people are just habitual liars. They lie about anything and everything all the time, much of which is completely trivial, but you end up feeling like you can't believe a single word they say.

How much do you know of his background?

My exh husband lied all the time and it was the main contributing factor to the breakdown of our marriage. I didn't realise some of the lies until after we'd separated. Some of them were big and some of them were utterly pointless. It got to the point where, if asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, I couldn't trust his answer!

He did it for two reasons. The main one being that his parents were both alcoholics and anyone who has lived with alcoholic parents will know that it's a survival strategy.

The other was that his parents' relationship was toxic and littered with aggressive arguments and violence (in both directions).

He knew he didn't want to be like them so wasn't but what he fashioned himself into was equally dysfunctional and he believed in the mantra of happy wife, happy life and so just lied. He told me once that he believed that if he told me what (he thought) I wanted to hear, I'd be happy so he'd be happy. He didn't understand honesty or partnership at all.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a liar again because the problem is it becomes like the house built on sand or rock. Your house can only ever be built on sand and you cannot trust a single word they say about anything because you never know what is a lie or whether you're ever hearing the truth.

It got to the point where I couldn't be bothered talking to him about anything. Even what we were going to have for dinner or where we were going to go on holiday because the responses were never honest.

He's now remarried and I know he lies to her too.

It's a trauma response. Even being asked a simple innocuous question triggers a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response in him so I guess he fawns - hence the lies.

But it's very damaging to be around.

I have this thing too for similar reasons - had a weird upbringing and wanted to seem a plausible normal person. It embarrasses me and I do it a lot less as I get older but the habit is still there. I also have poor recall so some things I just don’t remember and find my mouth filling in the blanks.

Also I was brought up to be really ashamed of failure, so I find it hard to admit when something hasn’t gone well. Like when I failed my first driving test I told my mum it was by one major - or whatever - when actually I failed really badly. That was years ago and I regret it. She should still be able to love and approve of me even if I fail at something spectacularly, but I never felt this, so I sometimes find myself lying like that to avoid other people’s censure, even though it never really matters and basically no one cares and just wants me to do well next time etc

I’m not saying your bf has these explanations but just saying there’s lots of reasons for thing that don’t involve him being a bad or really untrustworthy person.

To be clear I don’t lie to my partner about important things ever, and I’m doing my best to grow out of lying at all (eg exaggerating a bargain or how long I was stuck in a traffic jam etc)

My exh did similar to this.

He tried to explain it but it was an emotional respomse to lie not an intellectual or logical one.

It basically boiled down to this.

If you didn't mind him going to the Black Horse with Steve, it would stand to reason that you wouldn't have minded him going to the Coach and Horses with Adam. So, in his head, no harm done.

If you'd been displeased about it for some reason, well he was protected by knowing that he wasn't at the Black Horse with Steve anyway so there was a distance between him and that activity (because it didn't happen) and so anything you said about the Black Horse and Steve wouldn't have affected him mentally or emotionally because he wasn't there anyway and so didn't apply.

In my exh's case, it was a very damaging form of self protection. Lie until you work out whether the truth will be a problem or get you into 'trouble'.

In my exh's case, it wouldn't have mattered if you didn't ever have a problem with him going to either pub with either friend and never had. The self protection drive had kicked in before the rational brain even had a chance.

It was nothing to do with me. It all came from his upbringing.

My brother does it and my first boyfriend did it. Neither maliciously and never for anything important/serious. It's people pleasing as both were very lacking in self confidence and had had "issues" in childhood/bullied at school, etc., so were hard-wired to want to be liked.

But while people-pleasing like this may be relatively innocuous, what happens when something goes wrong, he forgets something important or he makes a mistake?

Will he take accountability or will he just make something up to look better or shift blame?

I'm not sure I'd want to be putting my faith into someone who'd choose "look interesting" and "seem knowledgeable" over admitting they don't know something.

Yeah this. Once you start committing money/ making life plans on the basis of his assertions, and it turns out he was just saying 'he has booked it" "the last train is definitely after 11" because it sounded better, you could be in for a lot of annoyance - and potentially expense 😬

If you are mainly after the FWB side then perhaps nothing serious is at stake so crack on (though I'd find it a turnoff as, as pps have pointed out, most people grow out of it and/or make commendable efforts to do so once they realise it's happening.. So it feels a bit immature, thus icky -to me anyway).

Trying to fit in or impress you so probably comes from some source or self esteem issue I’d say. People pleasing tendencies