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Relationships

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Noisy new boyfriend and sleep deprivation

202 replies

RainbowFee · 18/06/2026 23:17

I've started sleeping over at my new boyfriend's house. He lives in a very quiet street, other than the odd dog barking once or twice at night and in the morning, he's off the main road, has lovely quiet neighbours, so it should all make for a good night's rest, right?

Wrong... I knew he was quite a hyper person, very talkative, can monologue on for ages until you say, hang on, can I speak please, very witty, quick, intelligent, but he doesn't seem to have an off switch. The first morning I woke up at his house, I could not believe the racket he made! Slamming cupboard doors shut, literally banging dishes and pots and pans around, throwing the teaspoon down onto the bench after making tea. Slamming doors. Waking up shouting and moaning about how tired he is, yawns that would wake the entire street! The TV is put on instantly, blasting out the misery of the news for almost 2 hours.

This all happens around 5 am or earlier. He starts work shortly after 7. I've brought it up with him a couple of times and he has managed to keep the TV at a much lower volume, got me decent ear plugs etc., but a few weeks after discussing it, he's still doing the kitchen slamming and banging. Most recently he cooked a nice meal and I cleared up every single thing, not a single item was left to be put away in the morning and yet he still opened and slammed pretty much every cupboard and shouted about how exhausted he felt.

Anyone else have a partner who does this? It's as if he's making sure he wakes me up. He always slams the front door really hard when leaving as well.

He won't go to bed early and falls asleep in a chair instead of getting to bed to get enough rest before an early start. He keeps saying why am I so tired... !!

I'm beginning to wonder whether he likes me much at all!

OP posts:
PetulaGordeno · 05/07/2026 10:00

He’s thyroid isn’t the issue. The issue is that he’s a selfish nob.
The end.

impartialusername · 05/07/2026 10:26

yes my ex was like this, never let me sleep. It all went downhill when we had a child I was up in the night with a million times and he still refused to let me sleep! He would always make it seem like he was doing me a favour by making me a coffee I didn’t ask for at 5 am and leaving on my bedside table and waking me up when I didn’t need to be up until 7! I could tell him till I was blue in the face I needed my sleep.
things got even worse when he took a job meaning he needed to be up at 3am and made sure to shower and spray deodorant in the bedroom etc and wake the whole house up. BYE!

Eddielizzard · 05/07/2026 10:30

He doesn't think your need to sleep is more important than his need to have your company. Think very carefully whether this is the type of relationship you want, and since you've already decided you won't stay overnight, why stay in it at all?

While you're with him, you block other opportunities to find someone kind and considerate.

Justanopinionnothingmore · 05/07/2026 10:35

summitfever · 18/06/2026 23:26

ADHD screaming out him. It doesn’t get better, this is the package. I don’t miss my exh’s apparent complete lack of awareness that other people might still sleep after he’s up or before he went to bed 🫩

Excuse me?

I don't think so. You can have self awareness and not be a complete selfish arsehole with ADHD you know.

Somehow I manage not to do any of what the op describes of her partner! So no, it is not the package at all. You know one, you do not know us all.

Justanopinionnothingmore · 05/07/2026 10:39

likelysuspect · 18/06/2026 23:34

Definitely likely ADHD with the talking and having the telly on and sleeping patterns being odd.

However the banging in the kitchen is just like my mum, unbelievably heavy handed, does your ears in with how much she clangs while stirring a cup of tea, like a cemet mixer or something.

Also over the years I have become a slammer of cups, cupboard doors etc. Ive got a disability in my hands and now neuropathy so I cant always feel what Im doing, dropping things and banging into things frequently.

Another armchair diagnoser. You don't know this at all.

It's just another selfish man with selfish qualities, unable to control himself. This is nothing to do with ADHD!

We are quite capable of understanding etiquette of volume control and not being an absolute shite to our partners. I would never do any of this and many people I know with ADHD don't.

I am so tired of the pile on, on this website, attributing terrible behaviour to ADHD when in actual fact, it is badly behaved men time after time.

summitfever · 05/07/2026 11:19

@Justanopinionnothingmore I have it too and I’m very conscious of how my behaviour impacts on other people then probably overcompensate to my own detriment. My exh has adhd and is also a self centred cunt with no consideration for anyone but himself and he can’t learn it so that’s the package. This guy sounds like the same type of prick. No need to take it personally, wasn’t aimed at you nor was my comment a generalisation, though we do all share certain traits, personality and attributes will ascertain how we conduct ourselves in relationships 😊

Comtesse · 05/07/2026 11:35

Waking you up at 4.45am for a CHAT? Intolerable. I have no idea what is wrong with this dude but seriously awful behaviour. Bin!!!

kalokagathos · 05/07/2026 12:01

I have come across this - my maternal aunt (suspected undiagnosed ADHD - amongst many other symptoms ➡️talks loudly to the cats as she’s making breakfast whilst her guests are sleeping in), my dad (in the morning when has a very early shift and others still in bed ➡️banging pots, pans, clearing nose/throat in the bathroom- always been like that), my now daughter (running up and down the stairs like a horse, banging bathroom/bedroom doors- had silencers put on to stifle the noise-she can’t control it) - like her dad, she has ADHD (he needs telly humming in the background from dawn to dusk). I wear earplugs and eye mask to survive 😅.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/07/2026 12:19

"I really see no serious future if this all continues."

OP, it's obvious to everyone else on this thread that this man is a complete wanker, and 'this' will continue - so my question is, why do you see any future in this relationship at all? Because you saying you see "no serious future" does not rule out a non-serious future, i.e. a continuation of this relationship. Why? Even if you were never to stay over at his ever again, just go there, have sex, drive home - there's still the rest of his less-than-charming behaviour to contend with.

Look at what you've said :

  1. Getting a bit fed up of it all and bored with him as well.
  2. "Thoughtless, inconsiderate, disrespectful, unkind and uncaring.... "I think you've nailed it.
  3. he has been thoughtless and disrespectful about a few other things in our relationship
  4. I've felt really taken for granted quite a few times.
So, why continue this relationship at all? Why go to quite a bit of trouble over these blood tests, why offer to accompany him to a doctor's appointment? Why? What is there in you that drives you to put him first and you second? Saviour complex? People Pleaser? I think you need to have a bit of a ponder on that, or you'll end up staying in this asymmetrical relationship forever. Or, enter other relationships and find yourself in the same position anyway.
CardiBTEC · 05/07/2026 13:15

I read a similar thread a while back and someone mentioned they left their abusive exH. One of the things he did was purposely deprive her of sleep as a way of control and then gaslight her or act oblivious when she complained. The similarities between her story and yours are startling!

RainbowFee · 05/07/2026 16:59

To the people asking what I see in him... saw in him, what his good points are.. he has been really helpful on a practical level when I have needed him, helping me move house, driving me to places so I wouldn't need to take two or three buses, offering to do practical jobs in my house and garden, which I have not allowed him to do as we had paid people for certain jobs. I have helped him a lot with officialdom with some stuff that he was unable to manage and he was very grateful and keeps saying he owes me lots of favours, although I don't see it like that at all.

He's funny and intelligent .... He's lifted me up out of the doldrums when lots of stuff was going wrong in my life. I guess I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on with the sleep thing, the extreme noise.... as in, is he really pig ignorant or is it neurodivergence. Or is it deliberate? But then why be so helpful in other ways?

He seems to want my company a lot, so I figure if he doesn't like me in some way, then why ask to see me, cook for me, go out for trips, help me so much? He doesn't seem all that bothered about sex either, so I know he's not using me for that. He's definitely not waking me for that! That's another issue though!

But then I'm not naive, old enough and wise enough to understand that abusers can be wily, clever, covert in the way they seek to harm another person. It isn't all that easy when you first meet someone, figuring out compatibility, do you click, do you have shared values, are you both equally attracted to each other, are there things that are dealbreakers. I'm not in the habit of discarding people or LTB without working it all out first. That would be unfair.

But nor am I a pushover or trying to fix other people, which someone implied earlier. Helping someone with their health and paperwork when you care about them doesn't mean you're after fixing other people. Maybe I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm still working it out. In the long run, I cannot see myself staying with him if he who he is is this noisy, shouty, ignorant and selfish idiot underneath it all. He is showing me who he is, I'm trying to understand it given the stuff that seems quite good.

Oh and he behaves just the same when he has family staying.....

OP posts:
ClaudiaCasswell · 05/07/2026 17:11

RainbowFee · 05/07/2026 01:01

So many replies! Just catching up on them all. There are some that really made me laugh and so relatable, I really want to respond to some individually, but it's late and guess what.... oh yes I am sleep deprived from yet another disturbed night at his place and it really will be the very last time so here comes a general update...

I've been so busy with family stuff that I hadn't spent any more nights over at his house at all since my post, nor had the opportunity to talk about it again in a more decided way, with a view to ending it if things didn't change.

Well this weekend has been one hell of an eye opener for sure! I have been helping him set up an NHS account. Just discovered he had bloods done earlier in the year and he thought they were for specific issues like his elevated cholesterol and a couple of other things. Turns out the doctor decided to test his thyroid function, which came back abnormal, with one particular hormone outside of the upper range and some odd iron readings that would indicate anaemia or something else going on. He can't remember whether he told the doctor that he was struggling with his sleep or not. The notes page may have mentioned fatigue somewhere over the past year or so. Some other blood readings have been abnormal for over a year, but they've been repeatedly retesting.

We had a long chat about this and I did offer to go to the appointment with him when he gets the next lot of results back. If he has a thyroid problem then his sleep, mood, circadian rhythms etc. will no doubt be affected by it and quite badly if they are really out of whack.. whatever is causing the readings to be off. It could also be making him hyperactive but then causing him to crash later on, then waking him up at odd times. Still, really doesn't excuse the rudeness of the noise levels.

So last night I was there quite late, he had ferried me about to my own medical appointment and then we had dinner together. It got really late so I decided to stay. Fell asleep next to him, snoring started so I took myself off to the spare room. I couldn't get off to sleep, I remember seeing 2 am on my phone. Then suddenly there he was at my bedroom door, he sat on the bed and immediately launched into a continuation of the conversation we were having before going to bed about his son. I asked him what time it was, he had no idea, when I looked it was around 4.45... I was livid... he apologised for waking me, then went downstairs yawning and shouting and put the TV on, albeit quietly. I went down and lost my shit and asked him did he have any idea how rude he was..... that his neighbours were old as well and to bloody well keep it down.

I then went back to bed, put ear plugs in and was woken some two hours later by him bloody singing, coughing as if he were about to choke and then making fake sneezing noises. I got up to the loo, went onto the landing and noticed he had actually come up the stairs a little way up and was looking to see if I was up! He then shouted did I want a cup of tea.

So I sat him down and went through all of my feelings about getting disturbed, that he needed to be much more considerate and that if he couldn't be, then I would have to reconsider staying over. He was extremely apologetic. He even said "I'm SO noisy aren't I? I REALLY need to change!" after slamming the bloody spoon down onto the horrible glass counter protector! Anyway, we headed out for breakfast and then some shopping and when we got back I was exhausted from practically no sleep. He complained about been tired too so we lay down for a nap together. Two hours late he gets up and starts making a LOT of noise again, slamming cups and glasses, throwing the teaspoon down. I went down and he started FAKE SNEEZING!

I have come home tonight and I won't stay there again. Haven't had the conversation with him as he was asleep again when I left, but I left a note to tell him I needed the peace and quiet of my own home. He KNOWS he disturbed me and I am exhausted from it and yet he banged around while I was still waking from the nap as if I had never brought it up! The fake sneezing was so bizarre, it's like he wanted to annoy me. And yet he asked me to stay over.

I could never live with this person. Unless it is due to a major hormonal issue that can be addressed, I really see no serious future if this all continues.

Sorry this is so long!

Quite frankly am exhausted just reading that. You’re doing an awful lot of sitting him down and explaining. Isn’t that a rather lot of effort? Bin the guy. He doesn’t exactly sound like a catch. Plenty more fish in the sea.

PetulaGordeno · 05/07/2026 17:38

So he’s a useful odd job man with no sex drive?
My ideal man, that.
Well apart from the rest of it.

RainbowFee · 05/07/2026 17:38

PetulaGordeno · 05/07/2026 17:38

So he’s a useful odd job man with no sex drive?
My ideal man, that.
Well apart from the rest of it.

😂When it comes down to it, yes!

OP posts:
WhereAreWeNow · 05/07/2026 17:43

Haven't read whole thread but I see some of this in DH (and yes it drives me nuts). He's recently been diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly a whole load of things makes sense,including the noisiness. Apparently this is a common ADHD trait.

RainbowFee · 05/07/2026 17:44

Right so I've been Googling sleep deprivation and abuse. Found this:

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sleep-deprivation

You know I think the posters saying he's doing it on purpose could well be absolutely right.

He KNOWS he has disturbed me, he says sorry and seems guilty and annoyed at himself for waking me, but then he just keeps repeating the behaviour.

The endless coughing and fake sneezing plus the slamming and clanking of pans and crockery and the cutlery drawer despite me clearing every single thing up after he cooked dinner on several occasions (only right of me to wash up etc. if he has cooked), really makes me question the neurodivergence now. The throwing down of the spoon. The frantic stirring and banging of the spoon in the mug, the sudden "LAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" for absolutely no good bloody reason. KNOWING I am still sleeping. KNOWING the walls are thin.

He's doing it on purpose.

Sleep Deprivation — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

Definition: Sleep Deprivation - The practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another person's sleep cycle. Description: Depriving a member of the household of sleep is a common tactic used by emotional abusers because it has a...

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sleep-deprivation

OP posts:
RainbowFee · 05/07/2026 17:51

WhereAreWeNow · 05/07/2026 17:43

Haven't read whole thread but I see some of this in DH (and yes it drives me nuts). He's recently been diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly a whole load of things makes sense,including the noisiness. Apparently this is a common ADHD trait.

So does he wake you in the middle of the night, super early in the morning? Not even attempt to be quiet when you are sleeping? Talk over you?

OP posts:
WhereAreWeNow · 05/07/2026 18:02

RainbowFee · 05/07/2026 17:51

So does he wake you in the middle of the night, super early in the morning? Not even attempt to be quiet when you are sleeping? Talk over you?

He is always the loudest person in any room. He talks over everyone. He keeps weird hours and regularly wakes me up clattering about. When he does sleep, he snores like a foghorn. He's honestly the noisiest person I've ever met.
It's not great.

RainbowFee · 05/07/2026 18:02

Eddielizzard · 05/07/2026 10:30

He doesn't think your need to sleep is more important than his need to have your company. Think very carefully whether this is the type of relationship you want, and since you've already decided you won't stay overnight, why stay in it at all?

While you're with him, you block other opportunities to find someone kind and considerate.

Thank you. That sums it up really well!

OP posts:
MulberryFresser · 05/07/2026 18:29

OP I wish you the very best with moving on now that the penny has dropped x

PinkEasterbunny · 05/07/2026 18:31

PetulaGordeno · 05/07/2026 17:38

So he’s a useful odd job man with no sex drive?
My ideal man, that.
Well apart from the rest of it.

So if you leave your DP, and hire a handyman, there would be no change to your life (and your sleep won’t be interrupted)

RightnowNo · 05/07/2026 18:38

CardiBTEC · 05/07/2026 13:15

I read a similar thread a while back and someone mentioned they left their abusive exH. One of the things he did was purposely deprive her of sleep as a way of control and then gaslight her or act oblivious when she complained. The similarities between her story and yours are startling!

Its a classic abuse tactic
Sleep deprivation makes people easier to manipulate

PetulaGordeno · 05/07/2026 18:45

It’s the waking someone when they are asleep which should be the red line beyond the red flags here.
It is used as a form of torture.
It is absolutely diabolical and I can’t believe this man has got to his age and formed a relationship with anyone if this is how he behaves.
The other noise is attention seeking to the max. He might clatter about alone but I bet he’s not fake sneezing.
There is no point continuing is there? There is no intimate or romantic relationship here at all, just odd bits of support peppered with severe sleep deprivation.

ChilledProsecco · 05/07/2026 19:23

Oh, OP - in the kindest way.will you please stop obsessing about why he does this?! It really doesn’t matter.

You can only control your own behaviour & what you will/not accept in a relationship.

Focus on yourself & what is/not acceptable to you.

PinkEasterbunny · 05/07/2026 21:01

He's doing it on purpose.

I have no idea if he is doing it on purpose or not - but if so, WHY? However, that’s quite immaterial as the relationship is not working

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