Noisy new boyfriend and sleep deprivation

[RainbowFee]

I've started sleeping over at my new boyfriend's house. He lives in a very quiet street, other than the odd dog barking once or twice at night and in the morning, he's off the main road, has lovely quiet neighbours, so it should all make for a good night's rest, right?

Wrong... I knew he was quite a hyper person, very talkative, can monologue on for ages until you say, hang on, can I speak please, very witty, quick, intelligent, but he doesn't seem to have an off switch. The first morning I woke up at his house, I could not believe the racket he made! Slamming cupboard doors shut, literally banging dishes and pots and pans around, throwing the teaspoon down onto the bench after making tea. Slamming doors. Waking up shouting and moaning about how tired he is, yawns that would wake the entire street! The TV is put on instantly, blasting out the misery of the news for almost 2 hours.

This all happens around 5 am or earlier. He starts work shortly after 7. I've brought it up with him a couple of times and he has managed to keep the TV at a much lower volume, got me decent ear plugs etc., but a few weeks after discussing it, he's still doing the kitchen slamming and banging. Most recently he cooked a nice meal and I cleared up every single thing, not a single item was left to be put away in the morning and yet he still opened and slammed pretty much every cupboard and shouted about how exhausted he felt.

Anyone else have a partner who does this? It's as if he's making sure he wakes me up. He always slams the front door really hard when leaving as well.

He won't go to bed early and falls asleep in a chair instead of getting to bed to get enough rest before an early start. He keeps saying why am I so tired... !!

I'm beginning to wonder whether he likes me much at all!

A person who is noisy? Yes. Do I want to wake up with them living in my house every day? No. Have I had to? Yes. What did I do? Grow up and move out and find a man who was not and trained my kids not to be through organisation and with one, really working on fine motor skills.

It sounds like it's normal to him, from what you say about his family it's probably all he's known and he won't even realise.

That doesn't mean you should put up with it though.

What does he say when you ask why he's so so loud in a morning?? Or have you not spoken to him about it.

My eldest has autism and ADHD. He does the loud yawns and is naturally heavy footed BUT he is also very considerate and caring, and so when he's up before others none of us know it! And I know this must take him some effort as it's not his natural movements or volume lol. My point is even if it's hard for a person due to ADHD or similar, that doesn't negate them wanting the people they care about to be able to have a sleep in, or to feel considerate about others.

I'd part ways in your shoes. It won't get better and if his whole family is the same do you also want this every holiday/special occasion/family party etc. hell no would be my answer.

If he's thoughtless and rude at this stage there is only one way this will go and it's not up.

Dump

Sometimes I get up and go home after he falls asleep because I'd rather be in my own bed and not have to bear witness to almost howling type yawns and misery at 5 am 😆

It doesn't matter why he's like this, what matters is whether he is worth putting up with it. You will eventually move to sleeping together more like 3 to 4 nights a week, do you think you'll cope or will you want to get the builders to dig a new patio? Personally I would ditch him just for waking me up every single time. Thoughtless, inconsiderate, disrespectful, unkind and uncaring - absolutely great qualities in a partner (not).

You might. Some of us never will and, fortunately, we don't need to. Living with someone else is not compulsory.

That's exactly writing down my dh adhd and I learnt to live with it and be thankful he is out the house from 5am to work lol great dh but noisy lol

"Thoughtless, inconsiderate, disrespectful, unkind and uncaring...."

I think you've nailed it. I've brought it up, he hasn't even tried to be quiet, in fact he has been thoughtless and disrespectful about a few other things in our relationship and I've felt really taken for granted quite a few times.

Glad I posted here. I could never live in the same household as someone who does this. I already hate loud noises, bright lights, too much sensory input gets me quite overwhelmed. My Dad was exactly the same. I think he would have knocked his block off for carrying on the way he does. When he was alive and still working and up at 5 am, we barely noticed him getting up. We'd hear bathroom noises and he'd be gone.

Definitely sounds like ADHD, the foghorn yawns and shouting about how tired he is after choosing to stay up to stupid o’clock, and instantly getting on the news, perhaps getting agitated or outraged about how shit the world is?

This describes my boyfriend to a tee and although he has so many lovely qualities, his morning self is not one of them and it’s such a beatdown that I am seriously considering ending it.

You sound like you actively dislike him. Why are you still with him?

How is this ADHD? I'm just curious because my DH bangs and crashes around the place too and it really pisses me off!

Nerodivergent conditions like autism and adhd can have an element of coordination type issues or even dyspraxia as a diagnosis alongside the others.

It is also related to sensory issues where one can be hyper or hypo-sensitive and this can affect how they relate to their surroundings.

On top of that, people with these conditions can also be oblivious to how they impact on others. They don't automatically fathom that when they bang a cupboard, we all hear it. Especially if they can't see you.

Getting a bit fed up of it all and bored with him as well.
So why stay in the relationship? You are still in the getting to know each other stage where you work out if you are compatible long term. You aren't. When we start dating someone "will this relationship cause sleep deprivation?" isn't one of the top questions we consider but it is hugely important. Sufficient sleep is essential for good health and no endearing personality traits can compensate.

But perhaps more importantly you are betting bored with him. That's also part of getting to know someone and it is absolutely ok to stop seeing someone if you become bored.

Dump the inconsiderate arsehole. I couldn't cope with him.

His poor neighbours, noisy people are selfish cunts for not living in detached properties. If you cannot afford detached, then learn to be quiet you inconsiderate arseholes!

I have ADHD and dyspraxia and apparently sound like a herd of elephants crossed with a marching band without even realising.

My DP finishes work late and I cook meals when he finishes and have to have a sound monitor app on my Apple Watch because of things like banging pans, dropping things, slamming doors etc.
I try so hard to be quieter but just have such poor coordination and poor motor skills that I have to constantly make an effort to be considerate to my neighbours.

I also have the walkie talkie function on my Apple Watch so I’m not shouting from different rooms to my DP. It’s easy to forget sometimes and bellow something like “have you finished in the bathroom?!” But I mostly remember to use the walkie talkie.

The difference is that I’m not an insensitive bell end and care about my neighbours or waking DP who goes to bed before me. I’m a typical ADHD night owl and noise carries so I wear slippers and headphones and am hyperaware of slamming doors or drawers or crashing about.

Some people can’t help being noisy or heavy handed but they can help manage it if they care about other people.
It’s the same with interrupting or talking over people, I make a huge effort not to do it but if I blurt something out impulsively and interrupt someone then I apologise afterwards to let them know I care about their feelings and don’t think what I have to say is more important.

If you have told your boyfriend how much his noise impacts your sleep and he doesn’t listen then it doesn’t matter what the excuse is if he carries on doing it.
Dump him and find someone who takes your feelings into consideration and who makes your undisturbed sleep a priority!

He has ADHD.

Bin him now.

I have ADHD. It doesn’t make me a selfish inconsiderate bastard though. He sounds unbearable.

"very talkative, can monologue on for ages until you say, hang on, can I speak please"

I cannot for the life of me understand why you've stuck it out for so long. He sounds appalling.

He won't go to bed early and falls asleep in a chair instead of getting to bed to get enough rest before an early start. He keeps saying why am I so tired... !!

Have you pointed this out?

Sounds like ADHD but he’s being medicated for the wrong thing - anxiety and depression. Sounds like you aren’t compatible anyway.
My boyfriend has ADHD and he we sometimes argue in the night because of his carelessness. He just wakes up and starts talking to me full volume when I’m fast asleep.

I would say he and his family are all ADHD. Mine is. We are like this in my house. Loud, talkative, crap at turn-taking when chatting about our pet passion of the moment, messy, chaotic and erratic sleepers etc (it is 3am and I am here). My DD used to annoy the fck out of me with her vampire like sleep patterns and stomping around in the kitchen cooking at 2am, but I have actually got used to it. And my habits are not too dissimilar really, only I don’t crash about waking people up.

I think this guy is just not right for you. No reflection on him (or his family) but you just don’t fit together. I’d move on. Within this context, you’re the one who is different because his family culture is established and shared. It won’t change so you can learn to accept it (my DH did and is the only quiet, tidy, calm person in the family) or move on? I suspect the latter would be best for you?

Reader, I married him. And then divorced him. This is a big red flag OP. Imagine living like this when you have small children and have even less choice about when and if you can sleep.
My ex had absolutely no consideration for my need to sleep, I raised it fairly early in our relationship when we had counselling, even the counsellor couldn’t believe the basics lack of courtesy he showed.

I think you've said it all there, OP.

My dh gets up at 5. I’d be a widow if he did this. From my jail cell I’d mourn the good parts but think absolutely none of these outweigh waking me up at 5 in the fucking morning and I’m glad I did it.

You'd have to hope your cellmate was considerate, @99bottlesofkombucha !