Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Noisy new boyfriend and sleep deprivation

102 replies

RainbowFee · Yesterday 23:17

I've started sleeping over at my new boyfriend's house. He lives in a very quiet street, other than the odd dog barking once or twice at night and in the morning, he's off the main road, has lovely quiet neighbours, so it should all make for a good night's rest, right?

Wrong... I knew he was quite a hyper person, very talkative, can monologue on for ages until you say, hang on, can I speak please, very witty, quick, intelligent, but he doesn't seem to have an off switch. The first morning I woke up at his house, I could not believe the racket he made! Slamming cupboard doors shut, literally banging dishes and pots and pans around, throwing the teaspoon down onto the bench after making tea. Slamming doors. Waking up shouting and moaning about how tired he is, yawns that would wake the entire street! The TV is put on instantly, blasting out the misery of the news for almost 2 hours.

This all happens around 5 am or earlier. He starts work shortly after 7. I've brought it up with him a couple of times and he has managed to keep the TV at a much lower volume, got me decent ear plugs etc., but a few weeks after discussing it, he's still doing the kitchen slamming and banging. Most recently he cooked a nice meal and I cleared up every single thing, not a single item was left to be put away in the morning and yet he still opened and slammed pretty much every cupboard and shouted about how exhausted he felt.

Anyone else have a partner who does this? It's as if he's making sure he wakes me up. He always slams the front door really hard when leaving as well.

He won't go to bed early and falls asleep in a chair instead of getting to bed to get enough rest before an early start. He keeps saying why am I so tired... !!

I'm beginning to wonder whether he likes me much at all!

OP posts:
WeddingInvitation · Today 06:40

My DHs family are loud, it’s taken me years to get used to it after my very quiet family. But they aren’t inconsiderate.

just let him go.

SparklyGlitterballs · Today 06:40

Good grief, I couldn't bear this. The noise, the talking too much, talking over you, the noisy family....if it's irritating you now, it'll drive you insane eventually. The habits are probably too ingrained now for him to change.

Unless you want this to be your life forever more, I'd move on. Does he have his kids stay over? Imagine what it's like in the house when they're all there! He'll drive those poor neighbours into an early grave 😥

rwalker · Today 06:41

You’ve described my wife and my oldest to a tee they couldn’t be quiet if there life depended on it
it’s everything if they open the fridge they will slam it shut can’t even put a cup down quietly
its annoying as fuck but it’s not intentional you do sort of get used to it

Icanseeasquirrel · Today 06:44

My young adult daughters talk about what sort of man they might like to meet and they are very clear they do not want an OAF. You’ve got yourself an oaf.

AImportantMermaid · Today 06:47

It doesn’t really matter that he has ADHD/autism/bipolar/anxiety/depression. It does matter that he’s a noisy fucker who talks all over you and doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. I couldn’t date a man like that and it sounds like you don’t want to either.

If there’s one thing I have learned in my 57 years on the planet is that you cannot change a man. If you’re lucky you can tweak him round the edges, but you cannot change him. When women come on here and say things like ‘My partner disrespects me’, or ‘My partner is angry all the time’, or ‘My partner looks at other women’, they’re really asking, ‘How can I get him to stop these behaviours that I don’t like?’ and that’s the wrong question, because you can’t, not really, not long term. The real question to ask is, ‘Do I learn to live with this or do I walk?’ You can’t control his actions, only your own.

PetulaGordeno · Today 06:48

I couldn’t live with this. There is a offence between going on dates and staying over and if you aren’t compatible then that’s the end of it.
He doesn’t seem to care that it’s upsetting you and if he doesn’t care now he never will.
Let him go and move on.

OneNewLeader · Today 06:49

My husband and a son are both like this. Always have been. My son has ADHD so I don’t know if that is relevant. I think they’re disorganised and selfish.

Endless reminding helps. Both should get their stuff together the night before… never enter the kitchen before x time …

Weirdly I get up before them, but can’t stand the opening and closing of everything in the kitchen. Loudly.

OrangeJellySnakes · Today 06:50

Even our neighbours comment on how loud Dp and his family are. We are so quiet in comparison. Dp can’t even get out of bed quietly. Our neighbours joke that you can hear his family visiting before they’ve got to the front door 😂.

if you don’t like it, I would stop the relationship now because as others have said, he’s unlikely to change. I come from a big family (although not as loud) so I’m used to the kerfuffle but I totally understand why others wouldn’t like it!

WhatNoRaisins · Today 06:55

At best this is probably a date night only relationship. You'd be too sleep deprived and miserable moving in with him.

dontletmedownbruce · Today 06:55

Is he resentful that he has to get up early while you can stay in bed? ‘If I can’t sleep on for a while, neither can she’.

coolcahuna · Today 06:59

I literally couldn't be doing with this. Why is he shouting at 5am? I would literally be telling him to STFU but I cannot stand loud people.

LBFseBrom · Today 07:02

Don't sleep at his any more.

ChilledProsecco · Today 07:02

My ex was like this - night owl, noisy for morning starts etc.

It was just a manifestation of his general selfishness, lack of consideration for others & not giving a shit about others feelings. Because everything was about him.

He also had anxiety & depression.

Reader, I left him, for a whole range on behaviours related to self-centredness.

BauhausOfEliott · Today 07:03

You’re not compatible. At all.

Snowpaw · Today 07:07

That’s horrendous behaviour. When my DP has to leave for work at 4.45am he goes to bed at 9pm and gets out his bowl and spoon / cup the night before to minimise noise in the morning. Puts his clothes in the living room so he can change quietly and wears headphones to listen to tv while he eats breakfast. It can be done.

LondonLass2026 · Today 07:11

I have neighbours on both sides who do this. The woman on one gets up at 2pm and then it's non-stop loud TV all day. You can hear her cook - spoons banging, spatulas being tapped on pans, etc. Loud music.

Then there's a teenage girl on the other side. We all know when she's getting ready for school - runs up and down the stairs a hundred times, you can hear her yelling to her dad, "GET MY BAG!" etc. 7:30 every single day.

Some people are just hectic and noisy. Maybe that means they're inconsiderate, maybe they genuinely don't realise. You need to tell him how annoying and disturbing it is. I can't be doing with these bang, crash, wallop people. They get on my nerves and it'd be a deal breaker for me if he didn't change.

PinkEasterbunny · Today 07:23

RainbowFee · Today 00:05

Sometimes I get up and go home after he falls asleep because I'd rather be in my own bed and not have to bear witness to almost howling type yawns and misery at 5 am 😆

OP, this sounds horrendous, what on earth are you getting out of the relationship? Yelping at 5am is not normal

MeridianB · Today 07:24

He’s a ‘new boyfriend’ but you say you’re Getting a bit fed up of it all and bored with him as well.

Walk away. He doesn’t get it. He won’t get it. It won’t get better.

I feel exhausted just reading your posts. You deserve better.

Pancakeorcrepe · Today 07:27

ItWasInKensington · Today 06:25

I have severe misophonia. He would be forced into a rocket and launched so far into outer space that by the time it stopped he'd be 3,000 years into the future.

😂😂😂😂😂

CheeseFiend40 · Today 07:27

As I was reading your first post my immediate thought was also ADHD. My oldest DS8 has ADHD and I used to get woken up in the morning when he opened his door as he wouldn't pull the handle all the way down so it would catch. He's usually first up and goes straight down to the playroom to watch TV.
I had to tell him several times that he needs to be quieter opening his door and it still continued. I then showed him exactly what I meant and how he needs to pull the handle all the way down and he got it immediately, cos he could see it and understand. He didn't want to be waking me up every morning, he just didn't understand what he needed to do differently.
You need to tell your boyfriend several times and maybe demonstrate how noisy he is before it will sink in. But if he cares about you, even with ADHD he should want to try to change so he doesn't wake you.

TubeScreamer · Today 07:40

He won’t change and this will only annoy you more and more as time goes on (it would annoy me too).

HelpMeNavigateThisPlease · Today 07:40

KnickerlessParsons · Yesterday 23:26

Sounds like my DH, who is also very heavy handed and footed. You get used to it.

Why would anyone “get used to this”?

It sounds awful.

Are you happy?

HelpMeNavigateThisPlease · Today 07:44

RainbowFee · Yesterday 23:33

I really don't want to get used to it, nor do I think I should have to.

I did notice when I met his family, his sisters and his children from his previous marriage, that they all spoke at a really high volume, shouting at each other quite often and talking over each other. Beyond animated. It all seemed very rude. They're not from a southern European or African country either, as that might go half way to explaining it. When I said to him that I found them all a bit loud, he said well maybe they all have something important to say.

I don't know, I was brought up to respect other people's quiet, especially late at night, first thing in the morning, to kind of creep about if others were still in bed or resting, napping etc. It feels so rude, especially after I've brought it up a few times now.

He doesn't stay at my house as we don't really have the space right now. Major renovations. The builders are quieter than him though!!

I am with you generally @RainbowFee but I am not sure why Africans are catching stray bullets here…..Africans are not all loud rude and selfish - which is what your boyfriend is. Leave Africa out of it.

Jennalong · Today 07:48

summitfever · Yesterday 23:26

ADHD screaming out him. It doesn’t get better, this is the package. I don’t miss my exh’s apparent complete lack of awareness that other people might still sleep after he’s up or before he went to bed 🫩

Yes my dh has adhd ( it's undiagnosed but his child , brother , mother ) has it and it's obvious so does he .
I'm amazed that he is so messy , leave cupboard doors open , slams down things even in cafes teapots , salt & pepper pots , cups back on saucers all get the same treatment .He even talks loudly everywhere .

Flowerlovinglady · Today 07:56

Ask yourself this question: can I live with who he is? The thing is if you are hoping for a long term relatinship/marriage, those types of things tend to get on your nerves more over the years.