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Relationships

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Noisy new boyfriend and sleep deprivation

115 replies

RainbowFee · Yesterday 23:17

I've started sleeping over at my new boyfriend's house. He lives in a very quiet street, other than the odd dog barking once or twice at night and in the morning, he's off the main road, has lovely quiet neighbours, so it should all make for a good night's rest, right?

Wrong... I knew he was quite a hyper person, very talkative, can monologue on for ages until you say, hang on, can I speak please, very witty, quick, intelligent, but he doesn't seem to have an off switch. The first morning I woke up at his house, I could not believe the racket he made! Slamming cupboard doors shut, literally banging dishes and pots and pans around, throwing the teaspoon down onto the bench after making tea. Slamming doors. Waking up shouting and moaning about how tired he is, yawns that would wake the entire street! The TV is put on instantly, blasting out the misery of the news for almost 2 hours.

This all happens around 5 am or earlier. He starts work shortly after 7. I've brought it up with him a couple of times and he has managed to keep the TV at a much lower volume, got me decent ear plugs etc., but a few weeks after discussing it, he's still doing the kitchen slamming and banging. Most recently he cooked a nice meal and I cleared up every single thing, not a single item was left to be put away in the morning and yet he still opened and slammed pretty much every cupboard and shouted about how exhausted he felt.

Anyone else have a partner who does this? It's as if he's making sure he wakes me up. He always slams the front door really hard when leaving as well.

He won't go to bed early and falls asleep in a chair instead of getting to bed to get enough rest before an early start. He keeps saying why am I so tired... !!

I'm beginning to wonder whether he likes me much at all!

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · Today 08:02

What a selfish idiot! He's obviously lived alone but it doesn't take much to modify a behaviour for another person staying with you, that he's still doing it is hugely selfish and extremely self centred. You're not his audience, listening to him monologues! My mum does this and I say, "Hang on, I didn't buy tickets to this lecture".

NotSure222 · Today 08:08

there are some neuroversities that need the extra sensory input of sound. I think my son has this - he's always had a gentle caring nature and one of the first people to check on me if I am OK .... but he likes noise without understanding that other's might not. He really does not understand it so its something I have had to train him to acknowledge noises he is making which might be too loud for others.
Sorry you are not compatible, you need quiet and he needs someone who is OK with his noises as he needs them for his own stimulation I am guessing.
The falling alseep in front of TV ... total ADHD procrastination.

Eddielizzard · Today 08:16

Imisscoffee2021 · Today 08:02

What a selfish idiot! He's obviously lived alone but it doesn't take much to modify a behaviour for another person staying with you, that he's still doing it is hugely selfish and extremely self centred. You're not his audience, listening to him monologues! My mum does this and I say, "Hang on, I didn't buy tickets to this lecture".

I love that! 'I didn't buy tickets to this lecture' hahahaha

I unfortunately live with a lecturer. I'm going to trot this one out on occasion

thetinsoldier · Today 08:19

He sounds totally disrespectful. And talking over you all the time in the day too? No thanks.

I’d leave him.

ERthree · Today 08:30

I bet his neighbours hate him.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Today 08:36

It sounds like ADHD to me too, I'm afraid and it sounds as though it's running in his family.

If you don't like his behaviour then you don't like it and you're entitled not to want to put up with it, but if he does have ADHD then he really can't help it and he's not going to change. (I have ADHD myself, I try to mitigate my behaviour and I can to a certain extent but it leaks out somewhere!).

Not his fault, not your fault, you just aren't compatible.

CaesarAugusta · Today 08:46

I'm curious about this. Has he ever explained why he behaves like this? ADHD or not, surely it's not difficult to work out that you don't start shouting and banging around when other people are sleeping? What is his thinking process, if any? If he absolutely had to be quiet, for instance if he was looking after someone who was very ill, would he manage it?

ExplodingSmittens · Today 08:48

I have ADHD and don’t act like this. It’s a choice he’s making ADHD or not.

Yes it’s harder for me to keep quiet and it’s harder forever to have a good sleep pattern but it’s not impossible and I’m quiet in the mornings because I care about my family and neighbours and I go to bed early enough so that I’m not too tired in the mornings.

Whatever the reasons for his behaviour though it sounds as though you aren’t suited in the slightest.

moderate · Today 08:51

TheHateUGive · Today 01:12

Nerodivergent conditions like autism and adhd can have an element of coordination type issues or even dyspraxia as a diagnosis alongside the others.

It is also related to sensory issues where one can be hyper or hypo-sensitive and this can affect how they relate to their surroundings.

On top of that, people with these conditions can also be oblivious to how they impact on others. They don't automatically fathom that when they bang a cupboard, we all hear it. Especially if they can't see you.

On top of that, people with these conditions can also be oblivious to how they impact on others. They don't automatically fathom that when they bang a cupboard, we all hear it. Especially if they can't see you.

Or maybe if they have sex with someone else, they don’t see how it affects you because you’re not there?

Doesn’t sound like someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

Sess249 · Today 08:54

My partner leaves for work at 5.30am for a 6.30 start (sometimes even earlier if he’s at a less visited site), so his alarm goes off sometime between 4.30&5am.

he manages to: shower, make a coffee, climb back into bed for a quick snuggle and to drink said coffee, and get dressed without waking me 95% of the time. Because he’s not a dick and is thoughtful!

this morning he didn’t have to go in, and I was the one waking up earlier for work. I made a cup of tea and climbed back into bed before he woke because I was thoughtful too! Even though I would have loved to have snoozed
my alarm!

don’t stay with this guy (at his house, OR in a relationship) because he’s showing very early on that he doesn’t give a toss about your comfort if he has to inconvenience himself for it! Big red flag

TheHateUGive · Today 09:07

moderate · Today 08:51

On top of that, people with these conditions can also be oblivious to how they impact on others. They don't automatically fathom that when they bang a cupboard, we all hear it. Especially if they can't see you.

Or maybe if they have sex with someone else, they don’t see how it affects you because you’re not there?

Doesn’t sound like someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

It's called mindblindness. I think it might genuinely work for some people in the way that you describe. Others might see a relationship as a contract so keeping to the contract would halt them straying into infidelity.

You can definitely decide to not associate with people who have these ND traits.

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · Today 09:09

Oh dear. I am ND as is DS. DD complains about both of us being like this. Although I don’t stay up late at all.

I agree with PP, just don’t stay over. He probably can’t change it.

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · Today 09:11

moderate · Today 08:51

On top of that, people with these conditions can also be oblivious to how they impact on others. They don't automatically fathom that when they bang a cupboard, we all hear it. Especially if they can't see you.

Or maybe if they have sex with someone else, they don’t see how it affects you because you’re not there?

Doesn’t sound like someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

Eh? I am in my sixties and have never cheated on a partner, not even come close. Being ND doesn’t make you more inclined to infidelity!

Monty36 · Today 09:18

As you explain he grew up in a very noisy family, all vying for attention I suspect.
I did. But I didn’t carry on being noisy because I learnt not to be. It can be done. It is not easy. And I still don’t always succeed.
Nobody taught me. But I learnt by observing and realising most other people were not as noisy as we were. And they closed their doors, they did not slam them. That talking over other people wasn’t something that other people did automatically. We were the unusual guys. Not other people.
We must have been intolerable to live next door to. Think trumpets, recorders, squealing, talking loudly. A baby crying.
People will say that it is impossible for some to change. Which may be true.
But learning that other people are around you, that you do not need to be a bull in a china shop is a good life lesson.
How much your guy can learn even if advised ( assume he never has been), that noise to that degree is not usual to adjust only time will tell. But he does have to want to as well. Good luck.

Shinyandnew1 · Today 09:28

Talking over you and monologuing sounds incredibly rude!

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